May 17th, 1999 -- it's been Seven years...

since we lost our first baby. We found out that our baby's heart was no longer beating on May 14th, and then had a D&C on the 17th after it was apparent my body was going to hold on as long as it could.

This day has always been really sad for me. It's just been a time to remember where I was back then. The devastation that followed the loss of a child, the crushing of a dream, the reality that *I* wasn't able to be in charge of my own reproduction.

But today, I feel differently. Time has passed and I have healed. I have 2 beautiful children on this earth that are true treasures. I know that God had a plan and it all seems to be pretty great today. But, mostly I feel differently because of my friend Heather.

Heather is my beautiful friend. I call her my "Irish leprechaun Friend" because she is straight from Ireland, drinks with me, and makes me laugh like few others. This day is meaningful to Heather too. She lost her first born son on May 17th. Six years ago. Her son was born into this world with beautiful brown curls and a perfect face. She held her son, loved her son, and lost her son. This morning she wrote the most beautiful tribute to her son -- not negating the sadness that she is feeling, but accepting the emotion. Her way to get back, to get even, is to think about all the blessings she has in her life. Her family, her friends, the experience, the love. I was truly moved. Truly, truly moved...

and so today -- in a way of "paying it forward" I too will think of all the good things in my life...and I will do so in honor of Callum and his very very cool mum.

.........I am grateful for Heather...and the laughter she always provides. I feel like she was brought into my life for a reason. We are so similar. There are too many coincidences in our lives. She had my OB. She named her 3 year old Cole, just as I did (before we knew each other), we know some of the same people, we experience saddness on the same day....it's hokey, but I'm glad our paths have now crossed. I am so happy that I have such amazing friends -- some of which I've had since I was a little girl yet those friendships continue to grow as we learn more about each other. I am also so happy for the new friends I've met especially in the last few years. Friends that, while we don't have the history to fall back on, make it so fun to look forward to the future and making memories.

I am so lucky to have the family I have...the husband that is constant and safe and funny...the children that are healthy and crazy and keep me on my toes. I am honored to have their unconditional love. I feel blessed that I even got to hold that child in my belly -- and as time goes by, I can say that I honestly feel good that I experienced a miscarriage. I feel blessed to be able to share compassion, even sorrow, with those that have also miscarried, or those that will.

I am grateful my parents are still here to see me raise my children, to help me, to guide me without pushing their agenda. I love that they are my children's grandparents. I am so lucky that I am friends with my siblings -- best friends in fact -- we all really enjoy spending time together.

I am grateful for being born into this country -- making me a citizen to a beautiful nation. I am full of love and honor for those that went before me and stand beside me and work to keep this country free.

I am happy for my health -- for my independence -- for my ability to learn. I am thankful that my rebellious streak was nurtured to make me a woman who speaks her mind, doesn't take any crap and truly feels good about herself.

I am happy to be me --with all the bumps and bruises that come along with life -- if I didn't have those, would I really appreciate the good times??

I am happy.