Yet, here I sit -- uneasy -- after just dropping off my big boy with a million thoughts running thru the otherwise empty space my brain is suppose to occupy. Last year he was only at school for half a day. This year? all day. In and of itself, that isn't such a big deal, but I'm his mom...and I worry. Simple things seem to really bother me this morning. When I drop him off in the morning, will he remember where his class is? how to get to the playground? which line to get in when the whistle blows? And lunchtime...ack. I sent him with a sack lunch today in a lunch bag that he picked out. I gave him a capri sun -- but can someone please reassure me that someone will help him get the straw in the hole? Will he remember to bring the lunch bag home? I forgot to pack him a napkin, will anyone remind him to wipe off the peanut butter and jelly from his face? And, shoot! I probably shouldn't have made him anything with peanut butter in it, what if someone is allergic to it? Will Dane get bullied? Be a bully? Will Dane be homesick? I wish I would have made him go to the bathroom before the whistle blew..... Will we get as lucky with Mrs. Benson as we did with Mrs. Dawson? Will Dane continue to love school? Will he be challenged and have fun? Is that too much to ask?
Well, it appears that this is what motherhood is like -- and no matter how many kids you have or time under your belt, the questions still pop up. That insane doubt and worry still seem to creep into even the most confidant shells.
I seem to have held it together well. I decided to stay until the whistle blew -- but made a conscious effort not to crowd my growing boy. Cole sat tightly at my side as Dane wondered off onto the playground looking for his friends, old and new. Dane walked around cautiously taking it all in. He was deep in thought -- not really shy -- but not overly social either. He would check in with Cole and I every so often, apparently happy we were there, but just as happy when he turned away.
Then the whistle blew -- and into line he shuffled. His buddy, Nathan, was right behind him. I snapped a picture and then Dane looked up at me and said, "catch my kiss" and blew me a kiss. After it danced circles way up above my head, I jumped and snatched it out of the sky and smacked my lips with it. Nathan and Dane laughed. Cole grabbed my hand tightly and asked if he could hug Dane. SURE! So with that final brotherly hug, and to my utter amazement, Cole started to cry. He wasn't crying loudly -- but he was truly sad. We turned to make our way to the car, when Dane shouted, "MOM" and ran up, opened my hand, and kissed my palm. This is from our favorite book, The Kissing Hand. It's a great book about a little raccoon who is nervous to be without his mom on the first day of school...but the mom teaches him that he can always feel her with him by her kissing his palm of his hand. ith tears in my eyes, I did the same to his hand. He said "I love you" and walked back to line with his hand on his cheek.
Cole and I walked away.
The way to the car was difficult. Cole's tears just kept falling...and he asked for me to hold him. "I'm gonna miss Dane, mom" and with his sadness...I cried too.
But I'm sure Dane's there -- and enjoying his first day. I'm in a class and won't be able to pick him up for the week and I hate that. I can't wait to hear how his first days go....and if there were any bumps and bruises along the way. I can't wait to hear about the new people in his class and new experiences he's sure to explore...I just need to swallow the lump in my throat. It's okay to be worried about this child I love more than life itself -- and it's okay to miss him -- and if you see me with the palm of my hand on my cheek today -- well, maybe you'll know why.
4 comments:
Here's what I think: He probably WILL remember both where his class and the playground is. What to do when the whistle blows? He might just have to follow some of the other first graders. But who knows? Maybe they will be following HIM! Either way - he'll get there. The capri sun? Well, he might end up drinking out of the hole. LOL Some little bossy girl in his class will know how to do it - and she will WANT to cuz she will think to herself, "That Dane Nusbaum is cute!" The PB will stay on his face, which is a good thing - b/c then you can kiss it off later - no pb allergies there! Will someone in his class be allergic to peanuts? Maybe - and it will be adorable how he will explain that to you. I don't see Dane as the bully or the one that gets bullied - I even see him sticking up for peeps, he will get the underdog's back quicker than you can say "I love you, Daner!" because he is a big brother. (Much more likely that Cole will be a bully than Dane - but we have a few yrs on that...LOL) Will he have to go to the bathroom? Yep - several times...but he'll hold it until it is time. You are the most adorable ever to be worried about all this and to THINK about it so much!! Kira's first day goes something like this...
Me: Ok, BYE! Love you! Tell me all about it after school and PLEASE BE NICE TO OTHER KIDS!!! Ok, now I am in a really big hurry - so get out of the car!! LOVE YOU!
Kira: Bye, mom. I love you too.
The end.
Oh - have I told you lately that I love you so much? Dane, too. The one that I want to cry for right now, though, is COLBERS!!! Give him a giant hug for me, okay?
That is great...I have a couple of weeks left until my baby starts 1st grade so thanks for preparing me for the tears that will be running down my face. I love that you share this stuff. You rock and are one of the best mothers I know, and that makes me proud that you're my friend. Have a good day, and don't worry that kid is a smart cookie he will be fine.
That was so sweet to read. Dane is gonna do great because has a wonderful home with loving parents. That will take him a long way. Not to mention, he is smart and a little hottie.
Kristen!!!!! I'm sitting here feeling ALL the things you wrote about. Charlie is going to school on August 7th... all day Kindergarten. I'm a nervous wreck. No, it doesn't get easier. Yes, I'm sure he'll do fine... it's ME I'm worried about!! lol. We went on a tour of the school, (it was huge), but the hallways were each painted a different color, so Kindergartners knew their hall was blue, 1st grade was green, etc... and the lunch hall is red. (something like that). I was so worried, thinking "I can't find my way around.. how on earth is Charlie going to do it?".. and he looked up at me with big serious eyes, and said "we're on the blue hall mommy, and the hall to the cafeteria is red!!!". Sigh. Okay Charlie.
I didn't know about that book... I'm going to go buy "The Kissing Hand" today. How sweet that sounds :)
You know.. each of our kids handle their first days at school differently.... with Kristen.. she was so timid, and so nervous, and I was scared for her. I had to stay with her until the very last second, before she'd release the death grip on my hand. I cried. A LOT. Every morning she'd watch me from the fence, until she entered the class room. And every day, she'd scan the area looking for me when the day was over.
Now, with Sami... hahaha. She said "mom... you can LEAVE now!". "mom.. don't hold my hand"... "mom, NO MORE pictures!".. etc.
Thank you for your post. I sat here reading, shaking my head, thinking, yeah.. oh, and yeah.. I know what she means.
I worry too about the bully/bullied thing. But so far, at least... Charlie seems to be the kid who everyone loves... the neighbor kids run to our van when we're getting ready to leave, asking if they can say hi to Charlie.... I hope hope hope it continues.
Now. .Rachel... she's going to be the snob/cheerleader/prissy type. She'll snub anyone/everyone who looks her way, and only talk to those she's already decided she likes. She's kind of like a cat, now that I think about it.
Yeah.. she'll be a perfect cheerleader.
I love you Kristen!!!!!!!!!!
Your boys are sooooo lucky that they have YOU as their mommy!!!!! Your love for your boys just explodes from your posts... there is never any doubt!
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