...it's time to just admit it.... ready for this.....really...ready?
I've never failed...until I failed Joel and our marriage....I failed our children -- the two people in this world I couldn't love more if I really wanted to.....I've changed their course of fate....divorce, doubt, anger, saddness.....they will forever associate those terms with love -- and I suck for that.
and now....all sorts of crazy doubts surround me....
I'm having nightmares -- really scary stuff...people dying -- and me falling down the stairs a lot....I wake up at least 10 times a night....and those times I jump straight up and gasp -- like I'm on my last breath -- and I'm in a full sweat. It scares me something silly....and Justin holds on to me...and asks me if I'm OK....and I just try to go back to sleep -- I lay still, I don't want to keep him up....but my mind runs and runs....my dad.....over and over again - I miss him so much --- I think so much about how I've failed my children -- made them a statistic. I think so much about how I'm 32...and in school AGAIN and serving tables AGAIN, like I went back 15 years...I worry about my mom -- and my brothers.... I get angry then I cry -- all in one night -- and then I finally fall asleep only to wake up abruptly to a horrible nightmare...I'm losing someone...I'm failing... I can't help you...I'm desperate...I'm drowning...I am crying, screaming, yet no one hears me...doesn't take a genius to know what these dreams mean..... but then again, I don't get it. I'm following my dream. I am SO HAPPY that my life is MINE and I am doing what needs to be done.... I'm really truly PROUD of myself.......and I think I may have fallen in love again -- which is terrifying and beautiful all at once. He takes my faults and welcomes them. His family adores me almost as much as I adore them. I always wondered what it would be like to be LOVED unconditionally by the "in laws" -- and while we aren't married, they adore me 100%. Maybe it's because I'm older and I might not care as much -- maybe it's cause I am more educated -- have more of a promise for the future then some of their other "sons and daughters in law" but Justin's family makes me feel the way MY family makes me feel. Loved. Treasured. Worth it. I never, never, never thought I'd feel that way.
Nursing school is great -- busy -- but so great....and then now that I"m working -- I don't see Justin hardly ever....but I came home to a house that was cleaned head to toe -- I mean vacuumed, mopped, toilets clean, mirrors washed, laundry done....and there he is saying, "I love you and i just want to make this easier on you".
I adore him.
I absolutely 100% adore him.
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5 comments:
Girlfriend, you have so much going on, it's no wonder your mind is racing at night. One day at a time okay? And, BTW... you, my dear, are NOT a failure! Get that out of your pretty little blonde head....
Love you girl!
The dreams - it's not just that you've got alot going on, but alot of NEW stuff going on. I mean, WOW, how different is your life today - the day to day, AND all the rest - than it was 6 months ago - 2 months ago.... I LOVE the quote you posted about not getting a new beginning, but making a new ending. SO apropo!
"NEW" always takes a while to get used to! Hang in there!
One day at a time, Kristen. You are such an amazing and strong woman. Justin sounds like a fabulous and much needed addition to your life right now and who knows where it will take you? One day at a time.
It is *so* scary to fall in love again so soon, isn't it? I was terrified of falling for Brew... but look at us now... I am so happy.
(((hugs)))
Oh honey, I am so sorry you are having nightmares, but so so happy you have found the love you deserve. I truly believe it will all come together for you. You just need to stop being so hard on yourself!
Many hugs,
Laurie
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