Rebuilding: Relatedness

Man, I should have read this chapter earlier.... I learned so very much. It talks about your relationships post divorce. Indeed, if I had, I think I could have saved Justin -- and my heart -- a whole lot of grief.

I feel terrible about the way my relationship with Justin ended. I will forever be eternally grateful (I'm aware of the unnecessary redundancy, however I see it fit) for Justin's role in my life. By that, I am also very aware of his toxicity on my life-- and ultimately his position in the ending of my marriage. But, alas, he was my rock. He got me thru what was undoubtedly the worst period of my entire life. He walked next to me when my marriage crumbled, listened to me sob when my father died, supported me when money and jobs were nowhere to be found, got me help when I talked about ending my life, sympathized with me when Joel decided to use poor judgment time and time again, helped me when my house sold, loved me more fully and all encompassing than anyone in my life ever has and was ultimately the only person that was there day in and day out when my life morphed into what it is now.

I loved him. Hell, I still love him. But this chapter taught me that I was unavailable for the relationship we pretended to have. We jumped right into "forever" without getting thru the "now". I take complete responsibility for that. I think I always knew that we would not be together forever -- but we sure played the part. We both tried so hard to make it work -- even when things got truly ugly. "By trying to stretch a short-term relationship into something longer than it's "natural life" you make it unduly stressful. When you finish stretching it until it breaks, it snaps back at you like a rubber band -- and hurts more than it has to." Oh, boy....we should have ended our relationship months earlier than we did..."You make them last longer than is healthy because you've started laying the expectations of a future on them." Absolutely. I wanted there to be a reason why my marriage ended. What a horrible weight for Justin and our relationship to bear. I understand now that was incredibly unfair. "A great deal of the pain in our lives comes from holding on to something too long when we need to let it go." That's powerful.... read that ... again... and again....and again.

Questions:

1. I'm ready to forgive myself for relationships in the past where I made the other person responsible for my joy and happiness.

Satisfactory. I'm sorry, Justin.

2. I am making a list of what I learned in each of my past growing relationships.

Unsatisfactory -- but I started one tonight. I'm sorry, Justin.

3. I will choose, using my present awareness, what kind of growing relationship I want to have in the future.

Satisfactory -- probably needs improvement, but I liked this... "Living in the future inhibits healing, while living in the present maximizes healing" I have a bad habit of thinking "is he the one?" or trying to imagine my future with someone instead of truly enjoying the moment that I'm living in.

4. I will take ownership for creating growing relationships as part of my healing process.

Satisfactory

5. I will take ownership of good feelings in my growing relationships; I am becoming the person I choose to be.

Needs improvement --but what a light bulb moment this chapter was...

6. I will put into practice all of the relationship skills I am learning in the book. I will use these skills in all of my future relationships.

Absolutely satisfactory.

7. I am being open and honest, and using good communication skills, in my current relationships.

Needs Improvement -- I'm working on it.

8. I am trying out new healthy behaviors, breaking old patterns, and making my relationships as growing and healing as possible.

Unsatisfactory to date -- but with this chapter I will mark "needs improvement" cause I am making changes...

Changes -- David Bowie

Still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets and
Every time I thought Id got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But Ive never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I cant trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Wheres your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you cant trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Ah changes are taking the pace I'm going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Oh, look out you rock n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon now you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I cant trace time
I said that time may change me
But I cant trace time