and I don't know what to do about it. I really don't understand. I have worked thru many issues that I have had and come to some very painful realizations of what my actions have done and who was affected by the ripple. I suppose in some way, I sort of felt that the bad things that were happening to me were deserved for the pain I'd caused others. And, so I just rolled with the punches. Sure, I was down...sure, I hated it when things happened -- but I had some self-fulfilling inner angst that was pleased that I was hurting.
I've come a long way since then.
I would say the transformation began mid August 2008. That is when I kicked Justin out -- and started going to counseling 3x a week. I started drinking less and feeling more. Man, those were some lonely and scary times for me. But then, all of the sudden, I started lifting my head out from under the pillow and realizing that I am a strong woman. I started to feel empowered that I was making my own decisions and therefore had all the ability to make GOOD choices. I didn't have to doom myself to a life filled with mistakes and ugliness. I had the ability to make a GOOD life for the boys and for me. It was a real wake up call.
The months that followed were interesting. I met some very influential people during that time. I still made some poor decisions and ended up paying for them (another post, another time) but all in all, with each new day brought a newer/stronger me. I swear had Justin and I not broken up and went our seperate ways for a while, that we would NEVER be where we are now -- which is in a very happy, peaceful, healthy place. So each step was a step forward. Our lives are a journey -- you hear it so often -- but it is true and each experience creates the person you are TODAY. I think it's cool to think that who I am right now, in some essesnce, will not be who I am tomorrow -- or this time next year. It eases my stress when I think about it, actually.
Well...back to the cliff and why I'm there. Well, if you've been following my life -- or this blog you will know a few things for certain. One is that I am the mother of two beautiful children. They love me more than anyone on this planet and the feeling is mutual. The other is that I am in a rather bitter spot with their dad -- a difficult divorce compounded by all sorts of boundary crossing and hurt feelings. It's not pretty. There are some money issues that need to be dealt with -- and I suppose, if I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, that is why he can justify not paying child support. I am broke. The boys need new winter clothes. I cannot provide them. It makes me want to throw up. I quickly washed the one pair of jeans that Dane has that fits this morning so he could rewear them. I am so worried about Christmas. Justin and I are barely making it with the bills we have -- I have no idea how I'm going to provide them with anything monetary. (Please save me the psycho "christmas isn't about the gifts" babble). It's stressing me out. A lot.
In addition to that....you may know that I have been diagnosed as having some sort of funky cancer cells on my back. They have hacked at it three times -- and still my margins aren't clear. I've been sent on to an Oncologist/Plastic Surgeon. Those words scare me. A lot. Well, I can't get in to see him until Dec 8-- which is the day before my final at school. Ah, school....stress case. I have so much to do and study between here and there but just can't seem to find the time between working, the boys, all of our schedules, etc. I know that December should be a time of happiness, family and love -- and it's already setting up to be extremely stressful. I emailed the boys dad about schedules with the boys (ugh) and have yet to hear back. I really don't know if he is just unsure what his plans are -- or if he's still punishing me for God knows what. I'm envisioning tears in December...and that is so not what I want.
So I'm on the cliff....looking over it --and wondering if I should see the beautiful trees and landscapes ahead of me -- take it in -- watch the clouds roll in only to be sure they will roll out...
...or if I should just walk away -- go hide in a cave and cut the world out...
...or if I should jump... enjoy the freedom of the fall....and know in the end, there will be nothing but pain.
Seems like an easy choice...
... so why am I struggling with it?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment