I know...I mean I really KNOW that I have to start writing again

(this was written last night ~10:50pm)

I feel it in my bones....it's like I have a million jumbled things in my head and it all seems so overwhelming and massive. There is school and work, and money and rent and bills and the boys and my schedule and bills and money and relationships and friendships and my health and my sanity....I know that when I write I tend to put things into perspective. Even when I just post a poem -- or a song -- or lyrics -- it all means something very powerful to me. I hope you all know that even when I do something like that -- I'm doing ok....feeling ok...a little in control of a life that is so so so teetering on being so far out of control.

I'm on the final countdown of nursing school. I have my final on Monday. I am nervous as hell. I feel that my emotions surrounding school have masked some of my emotions about how my life has literally fallen apart again right out from under my nose. I'm scared that when I am done (well then I have my preceptorship and studying for the NCLEX, but nevertheless)that I am going to have to face some scary things.

1. I hate being alone. Wait. That's not really the case. I hate going to bed alone -- most especially when the boys are at their dad's. I end up crying every night. Every single night. Do you have any idea how totally and utterly exhausting that is? And then to have that exhaustion and not be able to sleep -- it is brutal. I sleep MAYBE 3 hours when the boys aren't here...just up ...pacing...wondering...crying...on the verge of a panic attack...every single night. No one seems to get it. And I'm tired of trying to explain it.

2. Justin. Ah, Justin. I miss Justin fiercly. I keep questioning what it is I miss about him. I miss his friendship. I miss the way he made me laugh. I started a journal to him....he'll never get it or read it but it's tear stained, gut wrenching, angry and just all around devastating that he is out of my life. I know we will never be able to be together. He is a liar and a cheater. It's not just with me either -- I knew this going INTO the relationship. He's never -- NEVER -- been faithful or honest in his life. He admits no male in his family has. Ugh. We've tried...or I guess we are trying to have him still be a part (minimal) of the boys life -- it was almost as hard for them as it was on me for him to move out and move on. He's come to their games the last two weeks...said he might goto church with me tomorrow. He won't. He tells me a lot -- but never shows up. He doesn't need to anymore. He doesn't have to do a damn thing for me and the boys...He texts me how much he loves me -- misses me -- he texts radio stations when "our" songs are playing -- he texts how he's destroyed, crying -- and then nada. He's out. He's better. I KNOW he's dragging me along. I KNOW it and I let those texts continue. I'm so fucked up.

3. And then there are other options -- one in particular -- that I just am amazed by daily. Yet I know that I'm not entirely available -- and he knows it too. We've been friends for our entire life...he knows me so well. There isn't any of the awkward silences or nerves. But man, he's put his heart out there quick. I don't know what to do with this information. I don't know if timing is perfect or terrible. His words are pure and they are beautiful. I don't deserved them. I am brutually honest with him. I tell him I'm flattered on one hand and feel like throwing up on the other. God bless him, really for just being there for me right now. I know what you all are thinking -- I'm thinking it too -- so please indulge me and just shut the fuck up. :-)

4. My dad. I can't help but feel like I am an ultimate failure in his eyes....the divorce, my life...where it's all gone (to hell in a handbasket). If I don't pass this damn class, I might as well call it a day...and forever go down in the books as the ultimate failure as a daughter.

Cutting this short -- apparently I have a great friend who is in need........