Part 1 leading up to the fall....

The past year has been incredibly difficult for me. I suppose the difficulties started before that. I began to realize that my marriage simply was not what a marriage should be. I loved Joel, sure, but the fire that we once had -- and man, we owned it -- had faded. Many people can live with mediocre....they live for years, perhaps forever like that, I can't. Joel can't. I've come to realize that is the problem with greatness. Once you have a taste of it, you just can't go back. I suppose it's like a shark that smells blood.

There were a lot of changes that happened. Joel had started a company with my brothers.... and the stress level was extremely high. (Side note: I am going to own a lot of my faults within this blog and those to follow, but I also will place blame where I feel it needs to be placed. This is not to hurt anyone, only to get all the thoughts out, so I can heal.) I believe that our drinking was taken to another level, especially Joel's and he was very frustrated with his home life. Being a stay at home mom, I found myself being extra sure that the house was extra clean, dinner was started, and I had a happy face on when he came blazing thru the door at whatever time he decided to call it quits. (I don't mean that negative necessarily, but Joel really wasn't working much, playing and spending much more -- I was benefiting from some of that, so I never said much). But when daddy would come home, I found myself shuffling the kids back into the kids room and begging them to stay quiet while Joel made his vodka on the rocks and tried to relax. He stopped beind "fun daddy" to them. The wrestling and uncontrollable fits of laughter stopped. One thing after the next, dinner would be on the table. Me with my Jack and Coke, Daddy with his cocktail....and we prayed for how grateful we were for our food. (Weird...I remember that... feeling very deceitful.... Simply Praying.)

Joel had burned some bridges in my family as well. My sister and her family who were really close with us as our kids are the same age told me that they just weren't coming around anymore because of Joel's negativity. He wasn't doing it just to me and my nuclear family anymore -- but she didn't like Joel. He was angry around their children and they were growing fearful of thim. It broke my heart. Joel then connected with a group of guys and was spending a lot of time with them...darts, going out -- always drinking -- and now smoking pot. At first I loved that he finally had friends outside my family circle....but looking back now...I think his ability to go out with them -- and then I'd go out with my friends (we were very tit for tat) -- simply took away from the family values we both really did (and still do) cherish. I mentioned splitting with Joel often -- wishing he would hear me and things would change... I begged him to get counseling -- which he did briefly. They put him on antidepressants that made him yawn...so he stopped them and going all together. We had deep rooted issues. Drinking. Anger. Sadness. And the lack of love and support from his family. His dad repeatedly told Joel he was a worthless man -- I don't know how anyone could overcome that. I still have a letter I read the other day that his dad wrote Joel in college. Brutal. As a parent, it's simply inexcusable to me. I was very protective of my love for Joel and his honor as a man with his parents. I let them belittle me and blame me for his lack of commitment to them. I shut my mouth when they never came to visit us or their grand kids. I sent pictures and cards religiously to everyone in the family -- and recieved nothing in return. I bit my tongue when they were rude to me and to Joel -- even to our kids. I grew to despise them.

In December, I decided to start sleeping on the couch -- and no one cared. The month of December was hard. Christmas is such a happy time and Joel and I faked it well. I knew he wasn't happy with me. I wasn't happy with him. But if there is anything in this world that we both love more than anything our the boys...so we put on a happy face and continued the charade. New years brought a whole new sadness for me. Promise for 2007 -- yet a heavy heart knowing that Joel and I would split. I had to GRAB him and kiss him for the new year...we were 20 feet apart. It was indicative of how far apart we'd grown.

I want to reiterate that I love Joel. It's now months and months later and I still love him. Up until lately, he was my safety blanket. We have been together since I was 17 years old. He was everything to me. My marriage was falling apart, but I really never thought we would ever get a divorce. January came fast and hard. Him drinking more....me crying more. We went our separate ways. I was losing him. I honestly don't know if he cheated on me -- but I felt that his time spent at the bars and titty bars were very telling of where he was in his mind. We were driving 100mph apart and there was nothing stopping us except for the belief that neither of us had the balls to do anything about it.

Jan 27, 2007 -- Bunco. The girls went out to Cook and Jacks. The Beastie Boys introduced me to Justin. We karaoked...and danced. I told him I was married straight up. He had just moved back to Arizona after getting out of the Army and just wanted a friend. I gave him my number. I suppose I don't know why. It felt good to meet someone outside of our circle. He was intriguing. I went to Angela's that night. He called to be sure we got home okay. I went home the next day, with a smile on my face.

Then he called me on Wednesday night....Jan 31st. I was awake on the couch...Joel was in bed. He wanted to meet for a drink. I did....

(To be Continued)