The clouds have lifted and the sun is brightly shining. My head is clearing as well, and my eyes are beginning to see the beauty of the light. Promise. Hope. Happiness.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Happy Birthday, Justin

I don't know what's going on with me -- I'm quite sure it's just this time of year coupled up with that time of the month but I'm all fidgety, itchy, anxious. I'm leaving in 10 minutes to go and get my xanax....that should help.

I had a panic attack yesterday -- it's the worst feeling -- just out of the blue I can't breathe and feel all trapped. Then, I couldn't frickin sleep -- and the itches began. I tossed and turned -- hot and cold -- and finally gave up and got up...

I read a chapter of my Rebuilding book....it was titled "Transition" about the baggage we bring to a relationship from our youth and our parents relationship. It was the lamest chapter to date. :-) My parents had a great relationship -- and so did Joel's. Other than making Joel feel less than adequate growing up on occasion (mainly having to do with sports or oddly his work habits), our parents raised us well and we would have been LUCKY to have a relationship that either of them are blessed enough to possess. So, it was all kind of "hypothetical" -- to a point I don't want to do the homework.

I went and checked out the boards that I write on -- and read up about a friend of mine going thru the beginnings of a (what will probably be nasty) divorce and my heart just BREAKS for her. In one way, I feel so happy "that" time is behind me -- but I also know it just never ends. You just can't ever walk away when you have children together...or, I suppose you could...but then you deserve hell's wrath and fury. Joel is a good dad. It's a fact. The boys love him. And, there it ends. (by the way, I'm swimming with the dolphins in Cancun -- not ONE bad thing since I came up with my plan.....not that I don't THINK of it occasionally).

Then, I got an email from my friend from childhood mentioned in previous blogs. It was nice to hear from her, and I *think* we are starting to work towards the process of healing our hurts. We will see. The email still came packaged with a lot of "us" vs. "you" undertones (in my opinion) but her heart is pure and I know that letter was hard for her to write. To take that further -- I appreciate her -- and love her. I wrote her back addressing her bullet points -- and now I just feel exhausted....deflated almost.

But alas, it's Justin's 28th birthday -- getting old....so I'm going to suck it up and go do the things that need to get done this morning -- so I can goto lunch with the birthday boy -- hit the dentist and have a nice night with him.

Move Forward

No comments: