Rebuiding -- Self Worth

I wasn't as afraid of this chapter as I have been with some of the others. I have always had a very strong meaning of "self." I have said it many times before. I don't know if it is because my parents were so GOOD at loving us unconditionally while pushing us...or if it was as simple as being a girl that could run fast in first grade, but someone deemed me "cool" or "popular" at a very young age and it carried thru my entire life to date. I don't really like the title of "popular" but I always felt that people were drawn to me and if given time, they surely would love me. LOL... It hasn't entirely changed since the divorce. Now, please don't misunderstand what I just said. ***I*** have changed significantly -- but my ***view*** of myself has not...in some ways, perhaps, maybe I am MORE proud of myself than I ever have been before.

This chapter did come at an interesting time, however. My brain is rather consumed with thoughts of my friends -- with those that I chose to work on my relationship with and those that I haven't. This very morning, I awoke to find myself in deep thoughts about my very best girlfriend (not related) that I've ever had in this world. We have resumed conversations via email lately after a bit of a falling out. We are both very hurt, upset, mad. I am not sure we will ever be able to be the friends we once were, but I adore her with everything in my very being. I also understand that she is coming from a place of never being in my shoes... and it's practically impossible to support someone when you haven't a clue what they are going thru -- even more impossible when you try to remain "bipartisan." I completely understand and accept that.

I remember when my friends divorced in Wisconsin. Joel and I were so torn and tried hard to be friends with them both. The fact is that we all kind of slipped away from each other. I didn't understand it then -- and it really hurt my feelings -- but I sure do now. I've been emailing with one person in that couple as of late -- and it's almost freaky how much our lack of desire to fight for our friendship hurt him. I can say, unfortunately, I understand it so much now and I apologized 100% whole heartidly. I also explained how very difficult it was for me at the time -- I really was such good friends with both of them... we all ended up hurt.

Isn't it ironic?

So anyway -- it's a timing thing...not so much of a "self worth" thing, perhaps. This chapter talks about getting rid of negativity (Joy -- it was like you were speaking to me...LOL)....

Step four: Re-examine your relationship with others, and make changes which will help you break destructive patterns and develop the "new you." If you see that some of your relationships with other people are destructive to your self-concept, choose either to end those relationships or to make them more productive and positive for you

I have been successful thus far at purging the emptiness and coldness from my world....I'm proud of myself for that.

To the questions:

1. I am willing to work hard to improve my self-concept.
Satisfactory

2. I want to improve my self-concept even though I understand that it will change many aspects of my life.
Satisfactory - I want to improve on everything

3. I like being the person I am.
Satisfactory

4. I feel I am an attractive person.
Satisfactory

5. I like my body.
Satisfactory

6. I feel attractive and sexually desirable.
Satisfactory

7. I feel confident most of the time.
Satisfactory

8. I know and understand myself.
Needs Improvement -- I am learning more about the person I am and the person I am going to be...I'm going to really like her, by the way. :-D

9. I feel good being a woman/man.
I'm not a woman/man...LOL, but
Satisfactory --

10. I no longer feel like a failure because my love relationship ended.
Unsatisfactory. And, I probably feel like more of a piece of shit cause my father had to experience a horrible year of our divorce in his last year of life...and he hated it all...and was disappointed in his daughter and that kills me.

11. I feel capable of building deep and meaningful relationships.
Satisfactory

12. I am the type of person I would like to have for a friend.
Satisfactory

13. I'm attempting to imporve my self-concept by using the 11 steps listed in this chapter.
Satisfactory

14. I feel what I have to say is important to others.
Satisfactory

15. I feel I have an identity of my own.
Satisfactory - now more than ever, acutally

16. I have hope and faith that I can improve my self-concept.
Satisfactory

17. I am confident that I can solve the problems facing me.
Needs Improvement...one problem is the absolutely ugly torture that my exdick puts me thru -- I don't see much of that improving -- which will always be a problem.

18. I am confident that I can adjust to this crisis.
Satisfactory. One day...if not today

19. I can listen to criticism with becoming angry and defensive.
Needs Improvement. I still am very hurt by certain people and their judgements. I haven't been with Joel for a year and a half and it's still raw to other people. I just want to say GET OVER IT LIKE WE HAVE (or are trying to do). Sometimes it seems like other people are more hooked up on it than we are -- and while I understand that is their own issues with their own lives...it just ticks me off. I still get really angry when people have no clue what they are talking about -- whether it's how the timeline occurred, how we felt, or why we did what we did. I can't hear "your divorce was hard on me" without wanting to bash someone's head in. I can't hear "I didn't approve of what you were doing" without bashing my own head in. Um, well...let's say Unsatisfactory to that one....

shalllllllllllllll we? (church lady, LOL)