A dear friend of mine (going thru a divorce) made a comment that I just can't get out of my mind.

It was about cheating. Her situation is awfully tough. She found out that her husband had been having an affair -- and even had a child with this woman. It gets deeper and more complicated but I just wanted to lay the groundwork. I love my friend. She is witty and spunky. She is brave in the face of adversity and a tough cookie who stands firm in her beliefs. In a "discussion" another friend commented that she knew this woman who's husband just up and left her after 10 years of marriage and 3 kids -- more so, he wiped out the bank account and is nowhere to be found. In response to her, my dear friend, commented that she didn't understand cheaters -- how they could cheat on their spouse but on their children too....

...how they could cheat on their spouse but on their children too....

and I felt the unexplainable urge to write. :-) I'm not making excuses or hoping for a reprieve...everyone has a different situation, but I wanted to explain something to her. I am not very eloquent in my writing, especially when my emotions are on my sleeve, but I want to try.

...how they could cheat on their spouse but on their children too....

Ouch..... (breeeeeeeeathe)

OK, I do feel like I cheated on my relationship. Correction: I did cheat (ownership...) I started talking to Justin while Joel and I were still in our facade of a perfect relationship. I didn't physically betray my husband until he left the house, however, I was very emotionally interested in Justin, so why split hairs. And, of course, I was-- as Joel was -- in a sexual/emotional relationship long before the divorce was final.

I, however, do NOT feel like I cheated on my children. I may have cheated them out of a 2 parent household, perhaps, but also may have blessed them with 2 - 2 parent households filled with real love, honor and happiness. I can't vouch for Joel's house -- although they have been together 2 and a half years -- but I can say that I am HAPPY in my relationship now and my boys see it. My life is far more difficult -- but I want to walk this road with Justin by my side until we make this life of ours easier. I would rather be in a 1 bedroom apartment, taking the bus to work knowing that I was coming home to Justin's arms of love than be where I was before. See, before there was a lot of being happy "for them" -- for my children, my parents, my friends, my family, etc... and it left me in tears almost nightly in the end.

Joel was NOT a bad person but we fell out of love. Something so simple and yet so complicated. WE both gave up at least a year before we separated, maybe even two years before. Should we have stuck it out -- oh who really cares now? It's not worth questioning that when we are nowhere near the same people we were back then. The fact is when I get home I am truly happy to be in Justin's arms. And when I see my boys bounce through those doors, I know they are happy too. And, when we tuck them into bed at night and they tell Justin and I that they love us...it all makes sense to me.

It's difficult not being with them day in and day out -- but I hope that their lives are full of love and happiness over there as well. Someday my children will figure out the timeline of things....and understand that Justin and Jen came into our lives pre-divorce, under some sticky circumstances and I hope that they ask me about it. It was never about the sneaky, cheating, affair type of thing in either of our situations -- but it was sad. And difficult. I want them to know that our relationship wasn't always bad, too -- and, more than anything, I want to teach them that they need to work on the relationships they are in so they don't find themselves in the situation we were. WORK on it...everyday. Every minute. And lose the ego. There is no room for pigheadedness in a marriage. Ever.

There were a lot of hurt feelings and confusion. A lot of pain and tears. But I like to hope that Joel and I carried the majority of that burden and that my children escaped as unharmed as they could have in that situation. We both love those boys more than anything in the world. And I really want the world to know that simply because I fell out of love with their father -- we made a different kind of vow in our marriage -- and that was to be the best parents we could be to our two boys. We promised to love them and respect them. We promised to teach them, learn from them, and overall love them. And, in that case, we are winners. Joel and I -- forever together, in a strange way -- if only for the love of our children. And we NEVER will stop working at that.