October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month...

I don't really think we need a month to make us aware of breast cancer. I don't know a single person who doesn't know someone who has had breast cancer. It has touched us all in one way or another.

My first encounter with breast cancer was when my mother in law was diagnosed. I will never forget going with her to the doctor's appointment. I will NEVER forget how scared we all were, how devastated we all were -- and how calm she was. I vividly remember her eyes -- tinted with tears -- absorbing it all. She was sitting there quietly taking it all in. What do we do next? Which road will we go? She was a lucky one. She had yearly mammograms and they caught her cancer very early. Mere cells growing in her breast that changed all of our lives that day. It's crazy to think about. She underwent a lumpectomy, subsequent radiation and luckily she is cancer free today. Modern medicine brushed hands with her fate and we all came out winners. Thank the good Lord.

Last week I had the honor of taking care of a patient who was dying....her body was becoming overrun by cancer. It had such an intense hold on her that her time was fading quickly. She tried to fight. She was a young mother of two beautiful girls. Her husband was loyal and strong -- their relationship was awesome. Humour. They still laughed. Man, I love that. Here she was, dying...diagnosed only a year earlier with a stage four cancer that had already metastasized thru her body -- taking ownership of her liver, her bones and her colon. And they still laughed.

Yet, she was tired of fighting. I will never forget her. Luckily, as a student, I could spend more time with her than is usual. When her husband left, she wanted company -- and we talked about so much. Mostly she wanted to know about my life. I told her the gory details. LOL.... I told her about my beautiful children. We talked about the blessing of being a parent. I told her about my parents -- that my dad had died of lung cancer. She asked me if he fought it. I told her what I truly believe....he didn't need to fight. It wouldn't have mattered. And I told her that his faith in God was literally what made it all okay. I don't believe as strongly as he did -- but even today, when I get to missing him terribly, I try to remember that he fully believed we would be together again....and that gives me comfort. We got quiet. I thought perhaps I said too much.

She looked up at me. A bald head, pale face and big beautiful brown eyes tinted with tears and she spoke. She told me she was tired of the chemotherapy. She just didn't want to do it anymore. She didn't even recognize herself. She hurt. Every breath this woman took was sheer determination because she was in so much pain. But, she said, "they won't give up.....and it just kills me to think that one day my girls will say 'my mom was a quitter'" and her tears fell.

There it is.

A mother's love.

Raw.

I don't know what happened to her and I won't know-- I left my clinicals that day and told her that she would be one lady that I would always remember and I called her a tough cookie. We laughed. She told me some very kind words that will always be in my heart as my nursing career unfolds. I don't know if she decided to continue with the chemo or if she came to a place of peace and let her body rest. But I do know that I will never forget her -- or her brave spirit. Breast cancer....I hate it. And I certainly don't need a month to remind me of that.....all I need is the memory of looking into a another woman's eyes as her life flashes in front of her.

Living.

Dying.

The eyes.