....Liked the new Doctor....he doesn't seem too alarmed...though i told him that -- while it was reassuring -- it wasn't his back. He laughed. I did, too, in fact. I feel okay about this. I mean...on one hand, this waiting is just ridiculous, but if you look at it a different way, it means that *they* aren't that concerned. So, I will be patient and wait for my insurance to okay the new doc to cut a 2x2 area off my back and hopefully suture it up well enough that it will be incorporated into my new tattoo one day (he said he will go exactly to the lines of the existing tattoos -- so I think that's good news too.).....
....my head was spinning when I left. I am trying desperately to feel the holy spirit in my life carefully leading me and assuring me that I am on the right path. I thought about a very dear friend of mine who is going thru a divorce and I actually started crying for her. I am so devastated for her. It's not like I thought that they had a relationship that was untouchable -- God, I've learned better than that -- but I truly believed SHE was untouchable. She was such a voice of reason and calmness in my divorce storm. I treasured her ability to see all sides of the issue and be able to make me see them too (sometimes when it was so painful to do so.) And, you know, maybe that is WHY this divorce is happening. Because she CAN see that it is better for her -- and definitely for her kids. And all the sudden, I felt grateful. I felt grateful that I had children with a man that loves his children-- wants his children. WE made the choice to have them together -- raise them together and that has never waivered in our divorce. Joel is not from here -- he moved back to Arizona to be by my family. He easily could have up and moved back to Wisconsin. Maybe, him meeting -- or well, deciding to date -- Jen (who is from here and has all ties to here) was another blessing in a huge ugly disguise. I know he is here -- and we will raise our children together --in seperate households -- but merely miles from each other... My friend, unfortunately, doesn't have this blessing in her life. She married and had children with a cowardless asshole who is flippant about seeing his kids again. He merely wants her to accept a lowered amount of money and he'll basically step out of their lives, living states away from them and apparently not caring much about it. Ugh.
...and so I took a nap. I guess I was just wiped out from the little mouse running circles in my brain. I woke up and started studying. I'm stressed like no other for the next week. I have 3 tests still out -- a lot of points...and I need to pass this block. I have no other shot. This is my life on the line. But you know what...I swear I know this stuff. I just want it over. I have to believe in myself and believe that I will do well on this test tomorrow. ONE DAY AT A TIME.
And on a different note, my bug guy came today. I don't have the money to pay him so I "accidentally" forgot to leave a check. "No worries he said, just mail me a check the address is on the slip." He's been our bug guy since i was a little girl. 28 bucks....but I don't have it. I am terrified about money. Justin and I have 26 dollars between us after my appt. today. TOTAL. He gets paid on Friday -- so there are just some things that will have to wait. We are out of dog food. My poor dogs...so I made them some dog food... a couple freezer burned hamburgers, two eggs, the butt of two loafs of bread and a little milk.... (one day I'll laugh about this.).... Joel still hasn't paid -- he owes from mid October. I hope he's getting a kick out of this. But you know what...we'll make it. It's not comfortable...especially in this busy holiday season -- but we do both have jobs...and a roof over our heads with all the ammenities.... and I have an AMAZING sister who let me borrow some money to get the boys some gifts (I love you and thank you endlessly). So, we just have to go without for awhile... I believe that God has a plan for me -- and I believe I am on the right path finally. I'm circled in love --by an amazing family...beautiful children and a man that has been by my side in the worst of days making me laugh and loving me thru and thru-- I just can't wait until the tide turns and we see the best of days...
In the words of Dolly Parton herself...
I'll be fine and dandy,
Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'll barely make it thru tomorrow
but still I won't let sorrow bring me way down!
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