I'm going to make this short. I was going to kill myself.

(I know this is a dark subject -- and no one really talks about it -- but I was thinking about it a lot tonight after a patient I cared for the past 3 days thought that downing 2 bottles of tylenol would kill her -- and not just her kidneys. A lot of things were said about this woman -- I could relate, so I kept my mouth shut. I can't believe I can or did get to that point, but I was. Only, there was one major difference.......)

I don't believe in "attempting suicide..." Let me see if I can explain...

I was gone. Done. Finished. I had just ended the best thing that had ever happened in my life -- I walked away -- cheated, essentially, on a man whom I loved (I know...I can't explain it) and still do. I was watching him fall into a drug induced stupor with drugs, prostitutes/stripers and ultimately, one of my best friends. I was forced to move out of my house. I was virtually unemployed and undesirable (stay at home mom for 6+years). I was beyond broke and in constant struggle. I was drinking a ton and abusing my body. My father died during that time (after only being diagnosed for a month) of lung cancer which quickly led me with very little time to do anything other than let him down. I lost many of my "friends" and had become to hate the person I saw in the mirror -- the person, who's actions, I previously condemned. More than anything -- anything -- I had lost hope. I lost my husband, life, house, and children in a flash. I truly believed that the world -- my very own children -- would be better off without me. It was the darkest time of my life.

I had a plan. I bought the rope. I assessed the tree and picked the perfect branch. I bought the alcohol. I wrote the letters. I was convinced that the world would be better off without me -- my family would get it and my boys would eventually understand the depths of despair of love lost, mistakes made and see the anger that ensued (I was still so bitter). I prayed and truly believed that my suicide would HELP them.

It was set == the boys were at their dads -- Justin wasn't due home...I was...set.

... and he fucking came home early.

let's say that again...he came home early.

Looking back now I believe Jesus Christ accompanied Justin home that day-- made him have a clue (when I really gave NONE, other than being depressed). I believe now that I wasn't suppose to die. Suppose to LIVE, in fact. I was fucking PISSED OFF that he came home, though. Noone knows what we went thru that night. I hated him. Cursed him. Freaked out and cried while he begged me, pleaded with me -- even called JOEL to help me -- and eventually, I called my sister.

S..........O...........S

...and my ass was committed for a week+....

In that time...well, I didn't think I was crazy. I thought that life had failed me -- and in turn, I responded by failing it. I still don't think I would call myself "crazy" but I know now that chemically something altered my normal brain pattern. I cannot BELIEVE I felt those feelings when I look back on it today. I wish there was a way to tell everyone in that place that now -- one day, you very well may be able to look back at this point in your life and truely not understand HOW you felt so down. Maybe one day, you will look back and be so GRATEFUL that you lived. Then again, maybe you won't.

So there are the facts: I was planning on killing myself in October 2007. And, bet your bottom dollar, I was going to be successful. There was never going to be a "suicide attempt" in my chart...and there still won't be.

And, yet I lived. Not my time.

Justin. Ah, Justin....I don't even talk to you, now -- but I loved you fiercely and I will NEVER be mad at you. Instead, perhaps, I will be forever grateful that you stepped up and SAVED MY LIFE and believed in me when I felt all my family and friends knew that I had: NO HOPE.

It is what it is...and I've become a person that I enjoy. I still have to work out the kinks -- Lord knows we all do. But I've managed to finish nursing school -- a lifelong dream -- raise beautiful children and become a fantastic mother (even moreso, time permitting.) I do still think about death more than the average person -- but no longer am in that place. It was lonely and cold. Yep, I have my own plans made for my funeral one day --- but it isn't going to be a day that leaves people questioning me...and I've got a long life to live beforehand.

sigh