Nursing school graduation today -- an accumulation of a hard fought for dream and determination

....and I'm downright weepy.

I am feeling very nostalgic today. I woke up in tears and to an anxiety attack -- pretty much full blown -- gasping for air. I'm not exactly sure what in the world would perpetuate that, but I did. I called my sister -- early as sin... 5 something...and once again, she talked me down -- had me laughing even. I am so blessed to have her in my life.

I suppose that is what this is all boiling down to...people who made it possible -- this dream of mine.

Now bear with me....

...I know that I'm not accepting an Academy Award or anything of the sort -- but there are certainly people who got me where I am today.

I have to start with my children....who by God's grace are the air I breathe and the reason I long to better my life. Those boys have suffered...sacraficed...without even really knowing it. They have lived the last 2+ years with a mom who is working full time and going to school full time.....They know that they miss me -- but they have no idea how very much I have missed. I hate that I wasn't as available as I wanted to be, but I hope that one day they really understand that I prevailed. They have a mom that is strong....and smart....and who loves them more than anything in this world. I did this for them. I will see them at graduation today and I will hold on to them tight. This is MY moment with them....to show them that it wasn't in vain...it wasn't selfish...THIS is for all of us.

And then my ex's. Strange, huh? Joel, if we were talking (ha) I would tell you how very much I still want your acceptance and praise. I would hug you tight and look deep into your eyes and SEE how proud of me that you are -- because I know you are. Even in the worst of times....I know that you know how much this means to me. All the days (and nights) that you kept the boys late and accommodated my very crazy schedule have NOT gone unnoticed. I wish things were different. I wish I could call you my friend. I wish that today -- more than any other day (besides my dad's funeral day) -- we could go have a bloody mary and cheers to the people we have become -- the dreams we have reached and revel in the lives we brought into this world. Happiness. Success. Friendship.

And, Justin, dear Justin. *sigh* What a clusterfuck our relationship turned out to be. I can say that thru all of the roller coaster dips and turns that we were in it together. And, I loved you, completely. I would NEVER have been able to be where I am today without you. Your help with the kids -- your support -- helping me study (I still hear you fumbling thru those words -- which made me giggle even in the middle of a test -- but I got the answer right!) and overall support will never never be under appreciated. Your heart is beautiful and it's core is good. I thank you for blessing me with a happiness I hadn't felt in a long time and getting me thru the worst times in my life. Literally. I wouldn't BE HERE without you.

Friends....the ones who stood by me when the going was tough. Thank you. Thank you Rentch, Joy, Amy, Debbie, Erika, Melanie, Gena, Katreen, Angela, Robin, Becky...all of you that have supported me and pushed me and held me up when I fell down (and God knows I did.) I love you. Your friendship is the life that helps sustain me and I will NEVER ever love you less.

And to my family -- oh geez. Waterworks. Mom, I love you. I love you. I love you. I look up to you and want you to know that you hold the qualities that I long for -- fortitude -- strength -- love -- devotion. My entire family has always meant the world to me -- but in this dream of mine -- I am not really sure I believed in myself as much as they did -- and that's awesome. Kerry, you are my very best friend. Thank you for being there for me -- even on the tough days when I didn't want you to be. :-) And...dad....ah, I miss my dad...so very much. I don't need to see him, nor hear him, to know that he is proud of me. But, never the less, I miss him. This was *my* dream...but it was also one of his. And, I did it.

In my lame ass white scrubs taking the oath that many people took before me and will after me -- I did it.

I finally did it.