I have to.
I have too many things that are tossing around inside of my head to not get some thoughts out on paper.
100 things....to clear out some space.
1. It's been 9 years since i lost my first baby
2. I'm alone in that saddness
3. Money sucks
4. I am scared
5. I have very few loyal friends
6. But, who needs more than that?
7. My sister is the best.
8. My family loves me.
9. I want to goto North Carolina
10. I miss Kelly and her family
11. I owe her -- she helped so much
12. I can't afford it.
13. I can't afford anything.
14. I think I'm going to like my work
15. There is so much to learn
16. People trust me with their health
17. They expect me to know.
18. I'm excited for Block 2
19. I can't wait to work OB and Peds.
20. I will be a better student this block
21. I love my mom.
22. I miss my dad.
23. I am grateful for Justin
24. I love my children
25. I don't think there is anything better than children
26. My doctor doesn't think it's very wise to think about having another.
27. I will never be as good of a parent as my parents were.
28. That's depressing.
29. My children are the product of divorce
30. Correction: They are a product of love -- affected later by divorce
31. I was so in love with Joel
32. I'm scared to love that deeply again
33. I love Justin -- it's just different
34. Different, better? Different, worse? Really...just different.
35. I cry each and every time I think about my divorce.
36. .....If I let myself.
37. I need to pick myself and dust myself off.
38. My life is starting to perk up
39. I feel like a tulip budding thru the snow after an extremely hard winter
40. I want to be yellow.
41. Yellow is light -- laughter --happiness
42. I have stained cheeks -- I've cried a lot today.
43. Wonder what color that is?
44. I feel punched in the stomach
45. I need to move on.
46. My life will never be perfect
47. But it can be damn good.
48. I should go back to therapy
49. I have to pay my insurance bill
50. I have no money
51. I hate that I'm working this weekend.
52. I can't wait to see Robin
53. The garbage smells...I should take it out
54. The house is clean -- I love that.
55. I get the boys back today
56. Interesting, I think I cry every Monday and Tuesday after Joel has had the boys for the weekend
57. I want my children 100%
58. I'm sure Joel does too.
59. LOSE/LOSE/LOSE
.......................................lose
this is too depressing.....
Well, I tried.
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2 comments:
You are back blogging, I am so happy for that! I miss you girl. You will get through this. Correction: You ARE getting through this. You are coming out the other side just like that beautiful tulip! Please stay in touch, k???? Love you much! I have much to say but a little one needs to be put to bed! ~hugs~
YAY! YAY! YAY! You have no idea how it perked up my boring little day to see Kristen's blogging again!
We love you hon...I know divorce, divorce knows me. It's different for everyone, but I can SO relate to so much you're going through. Just know you have our love and support -- probably more than you know!
If you ask me, things are looking as good as they can considering all you've been through. Really. You have been to HELL and BACK!
Love you,
Jules
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