Rebuilding -- Denial

...what is that saying??? Something about courage.... um, something like courage is when you know something is going to hurt or be hard, but you do it anyway (clearly, I'm paraphrasing, don't be mad at me, Oprah). Well, I am in a horrible place right now. Joel and I are in a huge fight -- he's reneged on an agreement we had verbally made, putting our children in the middle of it. What hurts the most is that I simply want to hang out with my boys -- but it's "his" day, so he gets to make the decision to have them be babysat rather than hang out with their own mother. I'm hurt. I'm disgusted. I'm angry. I'm absolutely in tears...

but I picked up the book...and I read the next chapter. Baby steps...baby steps...me and Bob are taking baby steps (man I *wish* I liked my psychiatrist enough to follow her across the country to a quaint little lake town....) anyway, I digress.

Back to the book.....so I pick it up and here's what I read...really...I'm not lying!

You may be making this journey even though you don't want to, even though you are still married in your heart. The emotional pain is so great that you know you have to climb. It will benefit you to learn as much from this journey as possible, so decide to make it a positive experience, rather than a begrudging one. (pg. 41)

I am courageous! And so I read the chapter on denial (not just a river, by the way)and...I cried, I sobbed, I wanted to bash my head (or someone else's head) through a wall...I read....and I came to the statements at the end (remember the answers are satisfactory, needs improvement or unsatisfactory)....

1. I am able to accept that my love relationship is ending

I need to improve

2. I am comfortable telling my friends and relatives that my love relationship is ending.

Satisfactory

3. I have begun to understand some of the reasons why my love relationship did not work out, and this has helped me overcome the feelings of denial.

I have begun -- yes -- satisfactory. I believe the new company and the stress that brought, boredom, alcohol, lack of trying, and weakness are the leaders of "why" it ended.

4. I believe that even though divorce is painful, it can be a positive and creative experience.

Unsatisfactory

5. I am ready to invest emotionally in my own personal growth in order to become the person I would like to be.

Most definitely Satisfactory

6. I want to learn to become happy as a single person before committing myself to another love relationship.

Well, I failed that one miserably...Un-sat-is-was and will always be-factory.

7. I will continue to invest in my own personal growth even if my former love partner and I plan to get together.

Null and void.

*gulp*