Rebuilding -- Fear

The third chapter is about dealing with fear.

Joel and I started dating in Feburary of 1994. I was 18. I was 32 when we got divorced. I didn't know how to live a life without him. I depended so greatly on him for my happiness, my safety, my security, my love, my life that I gave up so much of "me." Even the idea of getting to know "me" again scared the shit out of me, much less the knowledge that Joel would no longer be in my life. It felt, and continues to feel, like a death. I spent almost 7 years being a homemaker, raising our family and caring for others. I had the security and comfort of upper-middle class living. When I got a divorced, I had to change everything about my life which brought about a ton of fear. I had to give up having my children 100% of the time -- something that continues to destroy me. I had to support myself financially. (Truth be told though, I always thought that I would have my parents to help me if I was in a crunch...and then my dad died. His death literally paralyzed me with fear. It all seemed extremely overwhelming. I no longer had a fall back -- only the reflection in the mirror.) Fear was all around me back then-- encompassing the very core of me...now it's not quite so terrifying. I still have moments where I collapse in the unknowns, but I'm hoping with some work and some time I will get to a better place.


The Checklist:

1. I have identified and made a list of my fears

Satisfactory

Fears not yet identified can be the most powerful. Therefore, I will give my fears a name:

a. The unknown future
b. Money Trouble -- losing the house
c. The "stigma" of divorce
d. The affects the divorce has on my boys
e. Losing the kids somehow
f. Feeling crazy
g. Being angry
h. Getting hurt even more than I already have been
i. Loneliness
j. Having one more person walk away

2. I have found a friend or a helping person with whom I can share my list of fears.

Satisfactory -- thank you, Kerry, Joy, Robin and Cassidy

3. I am learning that fear can be one of my friends

Unsatisfactory -- I fear I've lost all control

4. I am changing fear from a paralyzing into a motivating feeling

Need improvement -- I don't have much of an option other than to dust off and move on -- there is no one around to do it for me (but I sure wish there was.)

5. I am learning more about myself by facing my fears directly.

Need improvement. I definitely have learned a ton about myself in the last year or so. There has been so much self evaluation and change...still so much more room for positive change though.

6. I am practicing deep relaxation regularly as a way to help deal with my fears and with everyday stress.

HAHAHAHA unsatisfactory.