Rebuilding -- Grief

In the words of Charlie himself...

"Good Grief"



That was another trying chapter. It's taken me a few days to deal with it. I am fully entrenched in the grief stage of moving on...from so many things -- my dad, my house, my divorce, my friends. I am a smart woman; I know that grief is healthy and necessary. It just doesn't make it easier. The book suggested writing a good bye letter....so by following their outline, I'll try...

Goodbye. Goodbye to you Joel David,

Goodbye to the man you use to be. Goodbye to the man I dreamed you would become. Goodbye to the person that I use to be. Goodbye to the person I really thought I'd morph into. Goodbye to the friends that thought they knew me. Goodbye to the support I thought I had. Goodbye to the man that I thought I would grow old with. Goodbye to the dream that went along with being married to you. Goodbye to my financial support. Goodbye to simply fitting in -- married with kids. Goodbye to our future. Goodbye to comfort and support. Goodbye to "hubba hubba." Goodbye to "loving you with all of me." Goodbye to our home. Goodbye to the happy memories of finding this house -- thinking about how we were going to make it ours and spend years and years full of love in it. Goodbye to the stones that we made as a family -- all our names and handprints etched in the concrete. Goodbye to the memories of the vacations we had and longed to have again. Goodbye to my wedding ring. Goodbye to all that potential we had. Goodbye to the safety and confience I felt being "your wife" Good bye to the well defined roles we had and knowing what was expected of me. Goodbye to being there 100% for our children. Goodbye to being "room mom" or on the PLT board and goodbye to being a stay at home mother.

I've wanted so badly to say goodbye. To let go of you. To push you swiftly and completely from my life as you have done with me.

What is it that I've been holding onto?

Promises

The good old "as soon as we" promises...

...graduate....
...move...
...get married....
...buy a house...
...get better jobs...
...get away from your family...
...have children....
...have our 10th anniversary...
...travel...
...make more money...
...get past this next year...
...graduate nursing school...

(funny how they have changed to "as soon as I" promises....)

I loved you because you were a good, decent man who was the father of my children and provider. I loved you because we loved all the same things. I loved that we both loved the Packers and that I talked you into loving Harley Davidson's and now you are passionate about them. I loved you because we fell in love so young and grew up together. I loved you because you loved me. I loved you because you were always there. I loved you because you made me laugh. I loved you because I needed you and you made me feel needed.

I guess I've already said goodbye in more ways than I would have thought possible. You have been gone for a year and a half. Today, on our son's birthday, I remember one year ago is when I walked out of the retreat and we've never looked back. And today, I signed over our home that we built a life in to you and your new family. If you would have told me then that you would be moving into our home with her -- and I'd still be with Justin and we would be moving out-- and that my dad would be dead - all within a year - I would have NEVER believed it. I am not saying that I am less of a person that I was back then, I am simply saying that I am not 100% and I'm trying to say goodbye to my need for your credibility stamp on those feelings in order to make the valid. I'm trying to say goodbye to the role you took in my life -- the person that made it all okay. Goodbye to you. Goodbye to running ideas or thoughts by you for your opinions. Goodbye.

The last goodbyes are the positive ones. For they are goodbyes to the negatives....pesty dislikes (cause I always seem to romanticize the past)

Goodbye to the feelings of belittlement and feeling stuck.
Goodbye to letting you pull back and retreat.
Goodbye to the disgust you showed to our children simply for being kids.
Goodbye to the picky little dislikes: your bad breath, balding head, hairy back, fiber pills, allergy pills, your short and fat big toe.
Goodbye to your maritinis with garlic stuffed olives or moreso mushrooms.
Goodbye to your family. Goodbye to your weakness when it comes to them. Goodbye to taking care of your heart when they let you down yet again or judged you or called you a bad man.
Goodbye to your greed. Goodbye to new cars every year and new gadgets even more often than that.
Goodbye to your monetary fascination but ultimate lack of drive.
Goodbye to you always having everything handed to you.
Goodbye to your lack of creativity, your lack of appreciation and your lack of sensitivity.
Goodbye to your opinions on my friends -- especially when they were far from the truth (I still agree that your boyfriend is manly, has a large ass and zero morals -- yep, i'll give you that).
Goodbye to caring that my family still works with you, when they think you are worthless.

Goodbye to feeling guilty of getting angry and showing it, feeling embarrasseed for being silly, feeling ashamed that I still feel so strongly about you -- about the decisions you made. Goodbye to the saddness and self doubt that you continue to bring to my life.

Goodbye

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I can't do the questions thru the tears right now -- check back later, if you'd like....