Rebuilding -- Letting Go

"The goal of working through this rebuilding block is to emotionally invest in your own personal growth instead of in the dead relationship. There is no return on an investment in the relationship's emotional corpse. The greatest possible return comes from investment in yourself."




...I like that. I think that I am doing a lot to make myself a better person.

*I am throwing myself into my work -- into the hospital and it's paying off. The people that I work with see that I have motivation and drive and they are providing me with all sorts of opportunities to further my education and career in health care.

*Nursing school starts in less than a month. I went thru so much in my last block, I want to prove that I am there, present, 100%. I am an intelligent woman achieving a goal. I feel like I am going to have to prove myself to several of them. I let my personal life change my studying habits and my attendance. I was on medication that made me sleep all day -- even in class. That is all embarrassing. I will be so different in block 2.

*I have opened up my heart to allow myself to love again. (I almost put "fully" after 'love' -- unfortunately I'm not quite *there*). I have put myself out there to meet new friends. I have opened up my heart and committed (Dane wants me to write that he saw a black dog. LOL) to my relationship with Justin. I have started taking care of my emotions, my heart. I truly believe I am worthy of happiness, love and true, unwavering, friendships. My eyes are open.

*I have tried to cut off conversation with Joel unless it is about the boys. He just keeps coming at me about the silliest things: the house, my relationship with JHo, the quad, threats of lawsuits, the company, my family, etc. I understand his anger and constant badgering are because he hasn't let go completely yet. I trust we will both get there, I do.

I haven't mastered letting go -- but I'm really working on it....let's do the questions and see my progress, shall we?

1. I think of my former love partner only occasionally now.

Unsatisfactory

2. I rarely fantasize about being with my former love partner.

Satisfactory

3. I no longer become emotionally upset when I think about my former love partner.

Needs improvement. The thing is that I am just disgusted that our relationship has come to this. I laugh at most of the stuff he emails or texts me about simply because it is ridiculous...but I could cry at the drop of the hat at what we have done to our kids -- and what we have done to each other. I also can get extremely upset when I think about his relationship with JHo...

4. I have stopped trying to please my former love partner.

Satisfactory -- but I'm not sure that's a good thing. I think part of "moving on" is actually respecting each other to actually attempt TO please each other...or at least respect each other.

5. I have accepted that my former love partner and I will not get back together.

Satisfactory.

6. I have stopped finding excuses to talk to my former love partner.

Satisfactory.

7. I rarely talk about my former love partner with friends.

Needs improvement. The thing is -- there is always some drama happening. In general, my sister hears it all. He still works with my brothers -- and so everytime I see or talk to them, they tell me how worthless of a worker he is...they tell me how little he works -- or how much he's taken from the company...I think they are saying it in a way to try and show me that they "support" me...but noone does anything to stand up to Joel. They let him treat me with the utmost disrespect, so those words are all hollow. And then when I hang out with friends that I haven't seen in a while, conversations always wind up talking about the grossness of the relationship choices that Joel and Jho made. People who haven't dealt with it day in and day out are always very vocal about how inappropriate it is (or was) -- and while I appreciate the "support" it also feels counterproductive. I've been dealing with their relationship for about a year now -- so the "shock" is no longer there for me....and all this talking ends up making me feel badly about everything all over again. Kicked in the stomach. Angry. Sad.

8. I have outgrown any feelings of romantic love for my former love partner.

Satisfactory. (well, I suppose I still *miss* the romantic love that we once had -- but those feelings are very very distant now and I certainly do not wish for romantic love with him now)

9. I no longer wish to continue a sexual relationship with my former love partner.

Satisfactory -- my God....definitely.

10. I have given up my emotional commitment to my former love partner.

Unsatisfactory -- how can you -- with children? And really, should you?

11. I can accept my former love partner having a love relationship with another person.

I don't know how to answer this. If Joel was with ANYONE other than MY friends or family....I would be accepting of it. I will never accept his relationship with JHo. I won't. I don't have to respect her. I don't have to like it. So take that and run with it.....

12. I feel like a single person rather than a person in a committed love relationship with my former love partner.

Satisfactory. I feel like we are parents. And, that's where it ends.

13. I am no longer angry at my former love partner.

Unsatisfactory. Most definitely.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr