that's pretty powerful, if I do say so myself.
I think that I have to sit out and take some time to really reflect which direction I am going. I have been incredibly on edge lately -- and taking it out on those that I love the most. I guess I just don't feel very satisfied in my life right now -- it's a recurring theme in my world. I've been trying hard to stop the cycle. I seem to have landed straight in the middle of it. Again.
Work is work. Banner is fantastic to me. They are very accomodating to my school schedule. I truly enjoy most of the people that I work with and I treasure my director -- because she has a way of saying, "I have been there and I understand" without sounding condescending yet making you feel comfortable enough to talk to her about anything. That, I know, is very rare. But the truth is, I don't really want to work on my floor when school is done. I don't like the population. I am disappointed that I got "telemetry" for my internship. I've always said I'm not a fan of the heart. I don't like to learn the rhythms and even cardiac meds scare me. Sounds like a perfect fit, right!? On the other hand, I'm thinking that maybe this is exactly what I do need. I need to learn this stuff to do the very best job on the floor (my floor) that I am going to be working on. In this market, it isn't easy to find a job either -- and I'm blessed that I have been pretty much guaranteed one. I should be more grateful about that.
School is school. I'm doing okay so far in block four. I don't know how to explain it to anyone who hasn't gone through nursing school, though. You live in constant fear. The tests are very difficult. It's the kind of test where all of the answers are right but you have to pick the BEST answer. It seems rather arbitruary to me since each person, each situation in nursing is different. Yet on a test, there is a set answer. It doesn't matter if you know the information inside and out -- it's not about memorizing the details, it's about learning how to answer the questions. I'm hoping to get caught up a bit on school tomorrow. I have two case studies to do today. Happy Valentines Day, to me.
And home life? Well, I'm blessed in so many ways. I have the boys this weekend -- and they made me the sweetest cards. Cole made me a "gift" of a heart jewel and put in it some cotton he made (?) and 2 dollars and 21 cents. LOL :-) I got huge hugs and kisses from Dane. They are absolutey the loves of my life. Full of love. Full of happiness. Yet, lately I have grown extrememly saddened by the way my relationship with Justin is going. Stages and phases and I know that. But my patience is so short. I am sure I've set up my household where I am the one the does everyting and makes every decision, (a complete opposite of the relationship I had with Joel) and I'm tired of it. It feels like mothering to me -- and there is nothing worse than mothering your mate. I don't need to go into it much -- and like i said, I do believe this too shall pass. But really, I've said a million times that flowers on Valentines Day are the dumbest thing ever. They die and they are marked up 100%. Yet this morning, after Dane, Cole and I swapped cards, Justin had to "run out" for dogfood. Funny, at the pet store there are roses and Valentines Cards!" Puke.
I'd rather him just hug me tight and tell me he loved me. I'd rather he told me that we will get through this and that he will never back off, no matter how hard I push.
Instead I have $$$$ roses still in the packaging -- and a card left unopened on my counter -- while I have the boys getting cleaned up -- laundry going and Justin deciding to "help" and vacuum the carpets. We've said maybe 5 words to each other.
Not the Valentines Morning I ever dreamed of -- actually not any morning I ever want...and here, I sit. My heart hurts. And, you all know how much I hate the heart.
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