I've been very disturbed and uneasy as of late

My poor kids. Divorce is so hard. OUR divorce seems to be harder than most.

I can't quite tell you how much work I have done on my own psyche to get to a place of peace and calm in my heart. I no longer "hate" Joel -- I never did. I loved him, missed him and grieved that he never fought for our relationship. I no longer "hate" Jen -- I never did. I was angry with the choice that she made and especially at the time she did it. I was jealous that she was reaping the benefits that came along with Joel (monetary stuff, mostly) and I was resentful that she seemed to step so effortlessly into my shoes, living my life and into my relationship with Joel. She just picked right up where I left off -- especially in Joel's eyes. I was sad that it was simply about "filling the role" and not about the 15 years we had spent together. I no longer hate myself or am disappointed in myself. I acknowledge the mistakes that I have made, the sins I have committed and understand that those actions hurt many that I love the most. But I am who I am today because of each one of those things. Now, my concentration focuses on my own personal happiness. That includes seeing my children happy, falling more in love with Justin everyday, working towards a lifelong goal of becoming a nurse and working with dedication and confidence.

But, I can't help my boys any longer. I can't make them feel better about the separation between their father and me. I'm not just talking about the fact that we are divorced (a fact that they still tell me they wish wasn't the case) but additionally the fact that their dad still talks down about my life -- my boyfriend -- my house -- my pets. You name it. And my children are extremely torn. They have been acting out a lot lately. Dane is sensitive with me --asks for one on one conversations often and cries frequently. Cole is an angry little spud. When he gets upset there are very little ways to control him. He says words that aren't allowed in this household "I hate you" "you're stupid" etc and hits things and pretends he is going to hit people (correction -- he has up and layed out Dane, but the kid kind of deserved that one. LOL) I've mentioned it in peaceful times with Joel to which I get a polite "you are overreacting" and off we go on our merry way.

Well, yesterday was different. Two separate things happened that I believe God is hurling a brick at my head saying "GET THESE BOYS THERAPY!!!" My children are 9 and 6 -- (7 next month.) We separated when they were 6 and 3. Divorce finalized at 7 and 4. The boys decorated Valentine's cards yesterday in Kids Express (the after school program that they attend). They were all excited to show me them when they got home and have me hang them up until Valentines day. They were cute -- the typical cut out heart and construction paper stuff. Dane is my philosopher -- always thinking -- and of course the "do well on your exams" part makes me both so PROUD of him and also SAD that I am preoccupied with school and he knows it....but any which way...here are my happy cards.




This was my card from Cole. It says Happy Valentines Day, Mom and that he wishes he could be with me longer. He signs it with a beautiful, I love you, Cole. I love his fingerprints around the heart and of course all the Xs and Os. So sweet.

Then Dane's Card:


His card says Dear Mom,
Hope you have a GREAT Valentines Day, thanks for the note on the race. You have done a lot for me. I wish I could always be with you. Hope you do great on your exams - Dane -- (then below it he puts "Haste makes Waste" ~ Ben Franklin. LOL)

So we ate dinner last night and went around the table in our usual fashion (Good things, Bad things, Things we can work on, things we want to talk about). Conversation turned to Joel. Quickly both boys escalated into a bunch of stuff about being pushed around at their dad's house and Dane started crying when he said everyone at that house calls him an "idiot." Later that night, when Dane was in the bath -- he asked to speak to me privately. He started crying. He said, "I'm scared to play football cause dad gets so mad at me." I responded, "then don't! there are a million other things to do or play" and he went on "mom, he is so mean to me. He pushes me in my room. He tells me I can't do anything right. I can't play basketball on my door. (?) and he always calls me names and calls me an idiot." He then asked if he could stay at my house. *sigh* Now, I know that this may very well be just words and probably blown out of proportion as kids do. I understand that. I told him that his dad would be very sad if he didn't get to see him though and I asked him if he'd like to talk to someone...someone outside of this circle....a doctor of sorts who deals with kids going through divorce. "That way you won't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings and can get stuff off your chest." he nodded. I also said, "maybe you can get tips to control your frustrations, too!" and he said he'd like that. Now. I've brought up counseling to Joel before and he told me I was being ridiculous.

Of more concern: I walked out and started cleaning out their backpacks. I said, "Oh Cole, you made another card....is that for your dad!?" He said "yes" and ran up to show me. Please look at it -- and tell me how you feel.



It says "I love you Dad" on the front -- and then inside it says "if you don't love love me, you hate me." "I love you. To Dad From Cole" *gulp*

I took it out of his backpack before school today (somehow) embarrassed for anyone to see it, but I will put it back in there tomorrow so he can give it to Joel when he goes to his house for the weekend. :-( My first reaction was to protect Joel's feelings and throw it away. I decided that wasn't fair since Cole did take time and make it for him -- and maybe Joel will see that these boys are struggling and do need help. Maybe, he won't. Somehow I'm afraid he'll say I'm overreacting and to move on. I feel strongly that we need to deal with this.

I emailed Jen. Mother to Mother. With a picture of the card and a recap of the conversation that I had with Dane. See, I've tried to get the boys into therapy before and Joel told me it was ridiculous. I'm begging that her heart -- a mother's heart -- which I know loves my children and Joel -- will get him to see that they need an outlet. I haven't received anything back from her. I asked for her confidnance with what I told her. I don't expect her to keep it from Joel, and said such. But, I'm hoping she can sit on it and figure out a way to get through to Joel in a way that will maintain his dignity and not make him mad (which I surely would do if I mentioned it) or break his heart (which I would imagine getting this card is going to do to him without some sort of warning. I don't think he's a "bad dad" but I really want to get to the bottom of this. Joel parents much like his own father -- and he hated it. He help (perhaps still holds) a great deal of anger toward his father -- I don't want my boys to harbor any ill will toward him -- or me. I'm not naive either, and am guessing that they have negative things to say about this household from time to time, as well. And, maybe the boys are just getting things highly misconstrued because their minds and hearts are torn and confused. They don't deserve this angst and saddness. None of us do.