Do you ever have moments when you feel like you are on the verge of something big -- not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing, but more of a life altering thing? I'm feeling like that today.
I had a fantatic weekend. I was surrounded by love -- friends and family -- and couldn't have asked for more. I turned 35 years old. I love getting older, I do. Dane, Cole, Justin and I participated in the Heart and Stroke walk, then we had a birthday BBQ. Yesterday we went out to the Phoenix Open (people watching at it's best.) It was great. Today, is Monday which means that the boys go back to their dad's today. I know myself well enough to know that these days always have me feeling really down. My house seems too quiet. I do their laundry and pick up what remains of their toys and feel like they will never be home soon enough. I cry every other Monday. It's not a wailing sad cry -- more of a somber bittersweet feeling. I've come to accept it.
Anyway, Monday's also tend to have me reassess my situation - and undoubtedly freak out about how much I have going on. I have ONE week to stdy for this bitch of a test. I realized I didn't remember to do my case study for the week. I'm feeling so out of control at school. There are clinicals --where we have to do a write up and a care plan -- and then there is class where there are case studies and tests. Friday I have to do a teaching booth on smoking cessation, so I'm working on the materials for that and I'm just overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm going to get any of this done...and I work Thursday and Saturday. ARGH!!!!! I know that I want to be a nurse, but I am afraid that I will never get there. I think nursing school is killing the drive I have had in the past. It scares me how much I think of throwing in the towel.
In addition to that -- the boys both have started football. There is just no way that I can get them to practice (or Justin can get them to practice.) I don't know what I'm going to do. I emailed Joel to see if he can help -- if not, I'm wondering if I should just pull Cole (practices are at 5 at a park 20 minutes away...on Wed when I'm in clinicals until 6:30 and Thursdays when I work until 7:30.) It all makes my heart beat too fast and anxiety to start to rule my world.
Then there is the wedding -- and trying to plan that. We are supposed to be going to Rocky Point in a couple weeks and the boys passports still aren't here. How in the world am I going to plan for and pay for a wedding, anyway? And, then of course a flood of questions and scenarios flood my already over processed brain and I question far too much which leaves me again in a bundle of nerves and scared of the future, instead of anticipating it. What does *that* say about me?
Ahhh CALGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to get control of my life. I know I need to simplify, but I really don't know what can be simplified at this point. Can I make it? Really, can I?
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