A child who is embarrassed by their parents is a child who just hasn't lived long enough....

That is from a book that I'm reading called For One More Day by Mitch Albom (I can't figure out how to underline, so deal with it)....I'll be done with it tonight...I started it a little bit ago but I'm watching my kids and my nephews, making dinner, cleaning the house, and dealing with the carpet people....but it's good and I don't want to put it down...a simple book with a million messages and I'm only on page 109....

but anyway.... back to my title....

and my thoughts of my parents....

It's true you know....that the older you get the more you appreciate your parents....the SHIT that your parents went thru.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately. This divorce crap sucks...it sucks on a PLETHORA of levels. One of those levels...and one of the bigger ones...is how it's affecting my parents. My parents. My parents.

My parents have known each other quite literally from birth -- they were born 3 days apart...their families have known each other forever. They are very much the storybook love story. One was rich, One wasn't. Love. Catholic School. Love. High School Sweethearts. Love. Cheerleader/Football star. Love. Notre Dame/Small Private Girls College. Love. Letters Home. Love. Reuniting (cause it feels so good -- it's a song people...laugh) Love. 5 kids. Love. Moves. Love. Money Issues. Love. Love. Love. Support. Support. Support.

Wait...

That is how I remember it.

And that is (pardon my french) fucking cool.

My divorce is almost, dare I say it, harder on them then it is on me. I never thought that would be the case. I know they support me, and love me...and I know that this is just eating them alive. My dad can't talk about it without crying. My mom tries so hard to love me, support me, yet her voice quivers and her heart is breaking. I never realized how the ripple of this wave would affect them.

My parents are religious. I would go as far as calling them old school. I understand this is a hard concept. But, I never thought for ONE MOMENT that they would look on the potential failure of my marriage as a fault OF THEIRS...

Recently I went up to the cabin with my parents and we dove into the conversation of where my life has taken me. I will never forget that conversation for a couple reasons.

#1. My mom said to me "maybe we failed in making you believe everything was perfect"... she might have a point. But, my God, how beautiful is that!? She told me that they, too, have had issues and times when the world and their love felt dark...it felt foreign to me...as if Mother Teresa was looking at me saying that once upon a time she stole from the poor. But what she didn't know was that I went to bed and couldn't sleep...and tossed and turned and thought about them. I thought about the years when they struggled with newborn twins at home, no air conditioning in Arizona, Dad in full frat mode, mom working... I thought about the money problems, the Las Vegas stories... I thought mostly about the stories I never knew about...the life they went thru that I was sheltered from...and I cried...I cried because I want my children one day to think about their daddy and me...and picture him pinching my butt when dancing on Christmas eve...or picture us finishing each other's sentences....or knowing what the other one is thinking when a particular song comes on... I want them to think of Joel and I and picture the love in our eyes...the gentle "I love you" whisper or even the crazy "you are crazier than I am" looks...I want them to know Joel and I like I know my parents...cause I don't remember anything but happiness...or maybe the times that were less than rose colored...I still remember them united... and again with the french....that is fucking cool.

#2. My dad said two things that stood out that night... He said to me that people would say two things about people who get divorced now...

One is that they will say we are taking the easy way out. He asked me what I thought about that -- I corrected him...and I will correct any of you who are thinking that. I am guessing that those of you who believe that to be true are not divorced yourself. I will also say...personally this is most definitely NOT the easy way out. The easy thing to do would be to have pretended that Joel and I had no issue at all. The easy thing to do would be to keep on in a marriage that was unsatisfying and cruel because it would be easier on our children, our friends, our family, the company, finances, etc. Splitting up from Joel and standing up for my right to a full love is quite possibly the most difficult and most brave thing I've ever done....

And the other thing he asked me was "Can you honestly say you've tried your best?" because people will say you just threw in the towel.... and I had to be honest. That honesty is what got the wheels turning to where I am and how I feel on this very moment. I think I've tried hard with Joel for the last 2 years and it honestly has not be reciprocated the way I felt was fair...but THIS time....THIS time when I made the poor choices I made, when Joel actually left and when divorce was filed...I *did* give up. I cashed in my chips and walked away. I believe Joel did too. And since that cabin trip...when the walls were broken down and I was allowed to feel and not be defensive, I can't help but think...think about how I have forgotten to fight for someone I love more dearly than anyone in the world. Think about how I have failed as a wife. Think about how I have cheated Joel, and in turn, my children, my family as a whole. Just think.

...and I don't want my kids to think of their mother as someone who gave in easily. I don't want their memories to be robbed. I also don't want them to think love is easy....or life and problem solving is easy....but that it is worth it. I want them to see real love. I want them to see us struggle and end up on the top of the mountain together. And, if worse comes to worse and we end up divorced, I want them to look at me and at Joel with respect and admiration that we gave it all we can because we believed in the power of love, that we DO love each other and, more than anything else, more than anything else in the world, that we DO love them everyday....

cause....that would be fucking cool.