Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Adoption
I currently have a friend going thru the process of trying to get matched up with her destiny...her future. I know that sounds dramatic -- but that is what adoption is to me! Tammy is part of my online board that I post on -- and I've been following her story with an almost obsessive nature. (Tammy's Blog) I am not really sure she even knows how much her journey means to me -- and I'm sure to so many people that read of her desire. I have to be honest and say that I don't really get it either -- yet here I am...
I am not adopted, nor have I placed a child for adoption. But I have been touched by adoption to the deepest core. I find the whole process to be amazing. There is a baby out there, growing, being nurtured by his birth mother whom loves him enough to continue the pregnancy, to reach out to an adoption agency, to admit that her child would be better suited to grow up in another home. In another home with another mother and/or father. That in itself is striking enough -- just think about it. It's an amazing thing even if you have never carried your own child -- but if you have, whether you chose to bear that child (or not), release that child to another family thru adoption or raise that child...it is almost breathtaking.
I had a friend in High School place a baby up for adoption. I was there in the delivery room and met the adoptive parents. It was an open adoption and full of beauty from the moment he was born into the world, to the moment he was named by my friend, all the way to the pictures and cards she received in the years to come... But, what affected me greater is that my sister, Kelly, is adopted.
There is no secret about that. Kelly is the third child in our family -- 2 older brothers, Kelly, and then 2 little sisters (me being the baby.) I do not remember a time when I was told she was adopted. I think we were told right away that she was chosen. I remember my sister saying that she was special because my parents had no choice in the four of us (biologically born to my parents) yet they CHOSE her... I have a vague memory of actually feeling jealous of her. I wondered who her birth parents were, and as I grew older wondered what their situation was that blessed MY life with such a sister. I quietly questioned if Kelly wondered about them, dreamt of them, even longed for them -- and if they did the same for her.
Kelly and I had a strained relationship growing up. We are hard wired differently and there is no denying that. I always questioned if there was something to the idea of "nature vs. nuture" but never once -- (I just grabbed you by the back of the head, put our foreheads together, looked in your eyes and sternly repeated in our father's greatest way --) NEVER ONCE did I feel Kelly was anything than my blood, my sister. While our relationship was challenging, I am the first to say that if I ever needed someone on my side, Kelly was there without me having to ask. She was smiling the biggest when I accomplished something (or acted like a fool)...She was there with tears in her eyes if I was hurt or if I was graduating. She was thrilled with me when I got married, or found out I was pregnant. I remember moments like that with Kelly, possibly more than my other siblings, because they just didn't happen all the time.
Anyway, fast forward to a few years back when she got an email from what was likely her birth sister. Kelly called me. Of course, it may have been by default, but I like to think it was because she knew I could handle it, be excited with her and maybe give her some advice. I did give her advice "don't call her -- just write her or email her" to which Kelly agreed, hung up and promptly called this woman. (see...That's how it works. LOL) It was her birth mother -- who married her birth father and went on to have 3 other daughters. Kelly had three biological sisters. Wow. Throughout the months that passed, I was amazed at the jealousy or possessiveness, I felt about her having "them." I was interested...But I always asked questions, and Kelly always had the answer I longed for, "they aren't my family like you."
phew.
Any which way -- I believe Tammy will be blessed with this child. I believe her other child (also adopted) will grow up with a brother or sister-- a true blooded, full hearted, sibling. She won't know the difference and even when they know that they were born of different parents, it won't matter anyway. Tammy is meeting with the birth parents right now -- talking about the logistics. She is hearing about her child that will be born towards the end of June and come home to her home. She is an amazing, open, beautiful mother already -- and she deserves this child -- almost as much as this child deserves her.
I am not adopted, nor have I placed a child for adoption. But I have been touched by adoption to the deepest core. I find the whole process to be amazing. There is a baby out there, growing, being nurtured by his birth mother whom loves him enough to continue the pregnancy, to reach out to an adoption agency, to admit that her child would be better suited to grow up in another home. In another home with another mother and/or father. That in itself is striking enough -- just think about it. It's an amazing thing even if you have never carried your own child -- but if you have, whether you chose to bear that child (or not), release that child to another family thru adoption or raise that child...it is almost breathtaking.
I had a friend in High School place a baby up for adoption. I was there in the delivery room and met the adoptive parents. It was an open adoption and full of beauty from the moment he was born into the world, to the moment he was named by my friend, all the way to the pictures and cards she received in the years to come... But, what affected me greater is that my sister, Kelly, is adopted.
There is no secret about that. Kelly is the third child in our family -- 2 older brothers, Kelly, and then 2 little sisters (me being the baby.) I do not remember a time when I was told she was adopted. I think we were told right away that she was chosen. I remember my sister saying that she was special because my parents had no choice in the four of us (biologically born to my parents) yet they CHOSE her... I have a vague memory of actually feeling jealous of her. I wondered who her birth parents were, and as I grew older wondered what their situation was that blessed MY life with such a sister. I quietly questioned if Kelly wondered about them, dreamt of them, even longed for them -- and if they did the same for her.
Kelly and I had a strained relationship growing up. We are hard wired differently and there is no denying that. I always questioned if there was something to the idea of "nature vs. nuture" but never once -- (I just grabbed you by the back of the head, put our foreheads together, looked in your eyes and sternly repeated in our father's greatest way --) NEVER ONCE did I feel Kelly was anything than my blood, my sister. While our relationship was challenging, I am the first to say that if I ever needed someone on my side, Kelly was there without me having to ask. She was smiling the biggest when I accomplished something (or acted like a fool)...She was there with tears in her eyes if I was hurt or if I was graduating. She was thrilled with me when I got married, or found out I was pregnant. I remember moments like that with Kelly, possibly more than my other siblings, because they just didn't happen all the time.
Anyway, fast forward to a few years back when she got an email from what was likely her birth sister. Kelly called me. Of course, it may have been by default, but I like to think it was because she knew I could handle it, be excited with her and maybe give her some advice. I did give her advice "don't call her -- just write her or email her" to which Kelly agreed, hung up and promptly called this woman. (see...That's how it works. LOL) It was her birth mother -- who married her birth father and went on to have 3 other daughters. Kelly had three biological sisters. Wow. Throughout the months that passed, I was amazed at the jealousy or possessiveness, I felt about her having "them." I was interested...But I always asked questions, and Kelly always had the answer I longed for, "they aren't my family like you."
phew.
Any which way -- I believe Tammy will be blessed with this child. I believe her other child (also adopted) will grow up with a brother or sister-- a true blooded, full hearted, sibling. She won't know the difference and even when they know that they were born of different parents, it won't matter anyway. Tammy is meeting with the birth parents right now -- talking about the logistics. She is hearing about her child that will be born towards the end of June and come home to her home. She is an amazing, open, beautiful mother already -- and she deserves this child -- almost as much as this child deserves her.
Friday, May 19, 2006
United 93 -- the movie
Joel and I had date night last night -- which consisted of a quick bite to eat and a movie. We decided to see United 93. I had listened to some of the family members of those that died speak about the movie and state their desire for the people to see it. When the movie was in the beginning stages. I was unaware that all the family had been contacted and given their blessing -- I actually thought it was the other way around and that was the only reason I did NOT want to see it...The idea of making money on something that was so tragic...But after I learned differently,(read Article written by Todd Beamers Father) we decided it was time to see it.
Many people say that it is too early for a movie about 9/11. Many say that they already know what happens, why watch it and go thru that again. I would say to those people THAT is WHY you should watch it.
It WAS painful and I WAS nervous. From the very beginning I was antsy --It was definitely one of the harder things I have ever had to watch. There were only 6 of us in the theater (which speaks volumes to me) so it seemed like it was our own private showing. The men and women aboard that flight were amazing. Ya, ya ya, I understand that it is one view of what probably happened -- but amazing still stands. I was devastated by the phone calls. I was paralyzed by their fear. I felt almost empowered by their courage.
I also learned some things about our government and our military and our air flight control and the FAA that anger me. It makes me want to learn more about the breakdown of procedures. I'm hopeful the necessary steps have been taken to change our policy. Our military didn't officially declare United 93 was hijacked until 4 minutes after it had crashed. The closest fighter jets were 100 miles away. Just think about that -- I was an average citizen. I was a 26 year old, stay at home mom to a 1 year old, sitting in Gilbert, Arizona and *I* was hearing about hijacked United flight 93 before it crashed. *I* knew about it -- millions of other Americans knew -- and yet our military didn't acknowledge it or do anything about it.
I guess my point of watching it -- while painful -- is to remember what happened. I know that sounds silly, OF COURSE we all remember --but to actually FEEL the FEAR that I felt back then. Perhaps I wanted to get angry again -- stop feeling so complacent -- and hope for change bigger and faster than we are getting.
I can't help but wonder if we were closer into proximity to 9/11 -- or if we all just saw this movie to zap us back -- would there still be so many people upset about the steps taken to secure our borders? Would Zacarias Moussaoui still have only gotten life in prison or would the United States go back to biblical times "an eye for an eye" and send him to meet his maker? Would our people still be so up in arms about the wiretapping of suspected phone calls between terrorists? If 9/11 happened again, on our soil to our innocent men and women, would people still be so dedicated on their stance against the war? The President?
Oh I don't have those answers -- all I know is that the American people have an uncanny ability to have life "go on" and forget the past. I'm angered that we (myself included) forget the feeling of the devastation and the anger. I am of the thinking that everyone should watch this movie and remember that while we are strong and powerful, we are targets. In the name of religious gods, they are constantly trying to come up with a way to kill us. I'm not talking about killing our men and women who courageously volunteer to make up our military. I'm talking about killing you and me -- a 31 year old, stay at home mom to a 5 and 3 year old in Gilbert, Arizona.
I think we need to remember that.
A million tears fell down, yet my heart swelled up, I honor those men and women and their courage.
I give this movie two thumbs up.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
May 17th, 1999 -- it's been Seven years...
since we lost our first baby. We found out that our baby's heart was no longer beating on May 14th, and then had a D&C on the 17th after it was apparent my body was going to hold on as long as it could.
This day has always been really sad for me. It's just been a time to remember where I was back then. The devastation that followed the loss of a child, the crushing of a dream, the reality that *I* wasn't able to be in charge of my own reproduction.
But today, I feel differently. Time has passed and I have healed. I have 2 beautiful children on this earth that are true treasures. I know that God had a plan and it all seems to be pretty great today. But, mostly I feel differently because of my friend Heather.
Heather is my beautiful friend. I call her my "Irish leprechaun Friend" because she is straight from Ireland, drinks with me, and makes me laugh like few others. This day is meaningful to Heather too. She lost her first born son on May 17th. Six years ago. Her son was born into this world with beautiful brown curls and a perfect face. She held her son, loved her son, and lost her son. This morning she wrote the most beautiful tribute to her son -- not negating the sadness that she is feeling, but accepting the emotion. Her way to get back, to get even, is to think about all the blessings she has in her life. Her family, her friends, the experience, the love. I was truly moved. Truly, truly moved...
and so today -- in a way of "paying it forward" I too will think of all the good things in my life...and I will do so in honor of Callum and his very very cool mum.
.........I am grateful for Heather...and the laughter she always provides. I feel like she was brought into my life for a reason. We are so similar. There are too many coincidences in our lives. She had my OB. She named her 3 year old Cole, just as I did (before we knew each other), we know some of the same people, we experience saddness on the same day....it's hokey, but I'm glad our paths have now crossed. I am so happy that I have such amazing friends -- some of which I've had since I was a little girl yet those friendships continue to grow as we learn more about each other. I am also so happy for the new friends I've met especially in the last few years. Friends that, while we don't have the history to fall back on, make it so fun to look forward to the future and making memories.
I am so lucky to have the family I have...the husband that is constant and safe and funny...the children that are healthy and crazy and keep me on my toes. I am honored to have their unconditional love. I feel blessed that I even got to hold that child in my belly -- and as time goes by, I can say that I honestly feel good that I experienced a miscarriage. I feel blessed to be able to share compassion, even sorrow, with those that have also miscarried, or those that will.
I am grateful my parents are still here to see me raise my children, to help me, to guide me without pushing their agenda. I love that they are my children's grandparents. I am so lucky that I am friends with my siblings -- best friends in fact -- we all really enjoy spending time together.
I am grateful for being born into this country -- making me a citizen to a beautiful nation. I am full of love and honor for those that went before me and stand beside me and work to keep this country free.
I am happy for my health -- for my independence -- for my ability to learn. I am thankful that my rebellious streak was nurtured to make me a woman who speaks her mind, doesn't take any crap and truly feels good about herself.
I am happy to be me --with all the bumps and bruises that come along with life -- if I didn't have those, would I really appreciate the good times??
I am happy.
This day has always been really sad for me. It's just been a time to remember where I was back then. The devastation that followed the loss of a child, the crushing of a dream, the reality that *I* wasn't able to be in charge of my own reproduction.
But today, I feel differently. Time has passed and I have healed. I have 2 beautiful children on this earth that are true treasures. I know that God had a plan and it all seems to be pretty great today. But, mostly I feel differently because of my friend Heather.
Heather is my beautiful friend. I call her my "Irish leprechaun Friend" because she is straight from Ireland, drinks with me, and makes me laugh like few others. This day is meaningful to Heather too. She lost her first born son on May 17th. Six years ago. Her son was born into this world with beautiful brown curls and a perfect face. She held her son, loved her son, and lost her son. This morning she wrote the most beautiful tribute to her son -- not negating the sadness that she is feeling, but accepting the emotion. Her way to get back, to get even, is to think about all the blessings she has in her life. Her family, her friends, the experience, the love. I was truly moved. Truly, truly moved...
and so today -- in a way of "paying it forward" I too will think of all the good things in my life...and I will do so in honor of Callum and his very very cool mum.
.........I am grateful for Heather...and the laughter she always provides. I feel like she was brought into my life for a reason. We are so similar. There are too many coincidences in our lives. She had my OB. She named her 3 year old Cole, just as I did (before we knew each other), we know some of the same people, we experience saddness on the same day....it's hokey, but I'm glad our paths have now crossed. I am so happy that I have such amazing friends -- some of which I've had since I was a little girl yet those friendships continue to grow as we learn more about each other. I am also so happy for the new friends I've met especially in the last few years. Friends that, while we don't have the history to fall back on, make it so fun to look forward to the future and making memories.
I am so lucky to have the family I have...the husband that is constant and safe and funny...the children that are healthy and crazy and keep me on my toes. I am honored to have their unconditional love. I feel blessed that I even got to hold that child in my belly -- and as time goes by, I can say that I honestly feel good that I experienced a miscarriage. I feel blessed to be able to share compassion, even sorrow, with those that have also miscarried, or those that will.
I am grateful my parents are still here to see me raise my children, to help me, to guide me without pushing their agenda. I love that they are my children's grandparents. I am so lucky that I am friends with my siblings -- best friends in fact -- we all really enjoy spending time together.
I am grateful for being born into this country -- making me a citizen to a beautiful nation. I am full of love and honor for those that went before me and stand beside me and work to keep this country free.
I am happy for my health -- for my independence -- for my ability to learn. I am thankful that my rebellious streak was nurtured to make me a woman who speaks her mind, doesn't take any crap and truly feels good about herself.
I am happy to be me --with all the bumps and bruises that come along with life -- if I didn't have those, would I really appreciate the good times??
I am happy.
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