"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow."

(quote by Helen Keller -- which is both ironic, comical and enlightening all in the same breath. LOL)

Rebuilding -- Love

I was pretty excited to read this chapter -- only because I know I have a hook up on "love." I really want to feel "in love" because to me, there is no other feeling in the world. I long for the companionship. I always have. It can be viewed as a weakness, perhaps, or not. I'm pretty comfortable with my desire to walk this path of life with a life partner. I just don't want to HAVE to -- so much that my judgement gets clouded.

At the beginning of the chapter it asks you to define love...my brain is pretty fried right now (I should be studying)but... I wrote "Love is unending. Powerful. Often silent but it's power screams from the rooftops. At It's best it is safe and confidant, peaceful and unwavering. True love never dies."

The chapter didn't really say anything that I wasn't expecting. I know that the love I had for Joel was real, and is still real. I also know that the love I feel for Justin, while real, is based on some very immature needs and therefore could never grow further -- to no fault of his or mine, just is fact.

Here was my favorite part: my "ah ha" moment:

The growth you have achieved is something that no one has done for you, so no one can take it away from you. Your life is in your control, through knowledge of yourself and others. To that extent, you are not at the mercy of others anymore. Let the good feelings of your growth soak into your body, and let yourself feel the warmth of what you have achieved. Let yourself feel love for yourself for a while. It is okay to love yourself. No -- it's more than okay -- it is the way life is meant to be!

Questions:

1. I feel I am lovable.

Satisfactory. Absolutely. I feel I am still pretty jaded and on guard, but once you get past that, I am absolutely loveable.

2. I am not afraid of being loved.

Satisfactory.

3. I am not afraid of loving another.

Needs improvement. I am not sure I am able to give myself fully like I did with Joel -- I'm not sure I ever will. I don't know if it's a divorce phenomenon or simply that I haven't let go enough. I want to be in love -- but I'm pretty guarded.

4. I have an understanding of what I believe love is.

Satisfactory.

5. I am living a lifestyle that is congruent with my definition of love.

Unsatisfactory.

6. I feel comfortable meeting my own needs rather than feeling selfish.

Needs improvement.

7. I am able to accept love from others.

Satisfactory.

8. I am able to express love to others in a way that makes them feel loved.

Satisfactory -- I am a master in this -- and therfore, I think it might be based a little on manipulation. I need to look at this closely.

9. I am able to love myself.

Satisfactory. I do believe it is due to the amount of unconditional love my family has given me.

10. I have experienced a great deal of personal growth since my crisis began.

Satisfactory.

11. I am trying to develop my immature, needy, dependent parts of love into a more mature style of loving.

Needs improvement. That's the goal, but it's not quite so easy.

I'm just busy -- really really busy --

between school, work, the boys and trying to maintain some sort of dating life, I'm absolutely worn out....

I'll post soon....this weekend...I have a breather.

LOVE to all!!!

This was hard....a letter to Joel....

My therapist told me to do it (and for the record this was written 6/20/08 before the Justin debaucle, before any drama and on my father's birthday)....and rip it up...or not....so here it is...

Hi Joel,

just want to write you....for so many reasons.

I need you to know I still absolutely love you... will always love you. I don't believe for one second we should have gotten divorced. We let life happen...shit happen. I know that we let our relationship go...took it for granted...we both did a lot of things that were just horrible to the other. I made a lot of painful mistakes. I know you still loved me and I actually think some of the things I did were just a PRAYER for you to react. I know you know I still loved you. We simply quit. Pride. Anger. I don't know. It was almost like an undertow...we were swept away quickly -- and forgot we actually KNEW how to swim.

Joel, I am so.............................. sorry.

Goodbye to you now...with love...and hope for your continued happiness....cause I don't want to be angry or vindictive... or hell, even sad....

I am SO happy you are the father to my children....and I believe that you will help me teach them how to love....and how to fight for what they want in this world......especially in light of the fact that we didn't.

May God bless you to be the father you can be -- the father you have been....

and may we all look on.....

~me