You never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about. If you get in a fight with that someone, your always trying to fix things with them because you hate it when they are mad at you. You probably hurt people's feelings but end up feeling horrible for it and so you try to make up with them as soon as possible. You have a good heart.

According to a quiz on facebook, this is my life quote. I must admit it struck me today.

My brother is back in the hospital. To avoid all sidestepping -- he's a full blown raging alcoholic. And, I'm pissed. I know that sounds harsh -- but my family has been dealing with his addiction for the better part of 20 years. As of late, it is just out of control. He moved back to Arizona in September and has been in and out of the hospital and detox centers ~10 times since. We get him back for a couple days -- maybe a week or two and then he falls again. It breaks my heart time and time again. Usually I am right there for him - and for Cliff. And, I admit that I have had drinks with him before, but this time -- seeing what he has done to his body -- and to my family -- I just can't do it anymore. I love him more than anything in the world. We are very close. He is sick. This is a disease.
Yet.........I can't get myself to care. I don't know what to do about that. Right now he is in ICU completely out of it because the withdrawl is so terrible. He isn't himself. He is restrained and saying terribly ugly things. His body is completely revolting against the lack of alcohol. I should feel terrible about this. But, all I want to do is video him. If he ONLY KNEW, if he could SEE how terrible it was, I believe he would be mortified...but that's just the thing...he won't remember any of this....

So, when I got my quote I thought about it. And, in some ways I think that you have GOT to give up. I feel that way about my brother right now. This is completely out of my hands. I have GOT to give up and consider THAT a victory. I will think about him daily - mulitiple times. I will not ever stop loving my brother and praying for him to get treatment (a treatment that will stick). But, I can't do this anymore. My family can't either. I've done everything I possibly could for him. I give up.

As Nemo says, "First Day of School! First Day of School!!"

Only time will tell....

The boys spent the weekend at their Dad's. I won't lie. One of the few benefits to divorce is the "break" that it occasionally grants you. We tend to fill those weekends up with adult activities. This weekend wasn't any different. We celebrated a dear friend's 30th birthday over several adult beverages. We went to a Diamondbacks game with friends. We cleaned the house, the fish tank and did other things that sometimes are just easier sans children. I had a great weekend, but I missed my children terribly. I missed them more than usual. I wondered what they were doing -- how they were -- and if they were thinking of me.

In an attempt to arrange a breakfast with my boys this morning, I ended up in another fight with their dad. He says and does the absolute ugliest things in the world to me. I wondered how much the boys heard. I wondered if it hurts their feelings. I wondered if his yelling scared them. I wondered if they were learning that this is okay behavior to the mother of your children. I wondered if the "close proximity" of my house and his house and the incredible entanglement of our lives was actually causing harm to my children. This sent me into a 2 hour crying bender (at least.) Poor Justin. We agreed that something needs to change. Something needs to calm the anger beast that lives inside their Dad. I can't live like this -- and I fear that the boys can't either. I went to bed knowing that something needs to change, and wondering how I was going to do it.

See,the boys started school today. With the start of a new year, there is the "school shopping" that accompanies it. Well, I have less than no money so I asked Joel if he would be willing to split the cost. Rudely and in a way that makes me feel like a complete loser, he said he'd handle it all. I worried about it all weekend. I should be doing back to school shopping with my children. I was able to take them to "Meet the Teacher" on Thursday -- which was nice. I do know that the boys are excited and they are ready for school to start. But selfishly, I just am not so ready for them to grow up -- and I longed to tuck them in last night, pray and blow them a kiss. I wanted to watch them get ready for school today. They are old enough now that they act brave, but you can practically SEE the butterflies dancing in their bellies. It's adorable....and I missed that.

But this morning I woke up -- got ready to head into their school and surprise them. I got there about 30 minutes early and called my sister (who teaches at the school) as I was pulling in -- she called over to where the boys were (their dad's girlfriend teaches there as well) and had them come to her room. I had tears in my eyes when I saw them! They were SO handsome. They had new clothes on, new shoes, new backpacks and haircuts.... I spent the morning with them until recess and then watched them explore the playground with old friends. Man, I love those boys with ever fiber in my body. I am so blessed and honored to be their Mom. I was so grateful to be with them this morning and simply for their love that I came home and decided to email Joel. I sent the pictures I had taken this morning and thanked him for doing such a fabulous job getting them ready for school. He responded with a "Thank you for the pictures. I'm glad you got to see them, but it wasn't just me that got them ready. Jen did a lot to get them ready for today. We'll be home tonight if you want to talk to them about their first day." So, with a lump in my throat, I forwarded it to her and said, "Thank you, as well."

An olive branch....

I just need to do what I can to try and make this situation better. I don't want my children to believe that I hate their dad or believe that we will never get along. My goodness, they were created out of a deep love. These beautiful children hold the DNA of both their father and me. And there isn't one thing I don't love about Dane and Cole, therefore I will always love their dad, if only for that fact alone.

Time will tell...

I had a productive day today -

I won't bore you with all the details, but I will tell you this...I went to my annual pap smear appt today, finally (a wee bit -- months --late). I get all antsy come this time of the year. I mean, really, I would question any woman who genuinely enjoys this invasion...but alas, it needs to be done.

Today....was oddly not unpleasant. My OB/GYN works in my hospital and people rant and rave about him. He's got a real "straight shooter" type of demeanor that seems to fit his small in stature, but large as life attitude that blazes as bright as his bleach blonde hair. For those in AZ, he was on the cover of the newspaper a few months back -- not for being a Doctor Extraordinaire -- but, for embracing the environment and choosing to forgo the usual MD mega gas guzzling SUV and, instead, ride his Segway to and from work. (Segway... if you don't know what that is, it's the cool gadget that Paul Blart the Mall Cop drives around -- and if you don't know who that is...well, I've got nothin' for ya.)

Sure, it makes it a little odd around the hospital when I see him and I know he has *seen* me, but never the less....he's my choice and I got it done... We sat and talked about all the different medications that I have been on and he seemed to genuinely care. He brought up my weight (TABOO TABOO) and I actually agreed...something must be done. Since I have been on my anti-depressants/anxiety meds I've gained just short of 40 pig pounds...that's since NOVEMBER! Yikes. That's almost enough to forget the anti depressants....the weight will depress me anyway!

....so here it is folks, I'm making a change...I'm not going to say I'm dieting -- or I'm joining a gym -- or that I'm going to undergo some amazing altered lifestyle, I'm just simply going to say that I'm going to care. I'm going to care what goes inside this body of mine -- and I'm going to care to get my health to a place where I know I should be around for the lives of my children and their children. I'm going to get to a place where I look in the mirror again and feel really good about myself. And, I'm most certainly going to get to a point where Dr. Bleach Blonde Segway Rider doesn't feel the need to bring my weight up while looking at my ookadook.

TAWANDA!

Fight like a Girl -- Bomshel

Little girl alone on the playground
Tired of gettin' teased and gettin' pushed around
Wishin' she was invisible
To them

She ran home cryin'
"Why do they hate me?"
And Mama wiped the tears and said
"Baby, you're brave and you're beautiful.
So, hold your head high.
Don't ever let 'em define
The light in your eyes.
Love yourself, give them Hell.
You can take on this world.
You just stand and be strong
And then fight
Like a girl."

At 31 she was wheelin' and dealin'
Kept on hittin' that same glass ceilin'
She was never gonna one of the boys, no
She coulda gave up on her ambition
And spent the rest of her life just wishin'
Instead she listened to her mama's voice sayin'

"Hold your head high.
Don't ever let 'em define
The light in your eyes.
Love yourself, give them Hell.
You can take on this world.
You just stand and be strong
And then fight
Like a girl."

Oh, with style and grace
Kick ass and take names

Ten years of climbin' that ladder
Oh, but money and power don't matter
When the doctor said "the cancer spread"
She holds on tight to her husband and babies
And says "this is just another test God gave me.
And I know just how to handle this"

I'll hold my head high
I'll never let this define
The light in my eyes
Love myself, give it Hell
I'll take on this world
If I stand and be strong
No, I'll never give up
I will conquer with love
And I'll fight
Like a girl
Ooh

The Long Journey Home

Killed in action the week before, the body of Staff Sergeant First Class John C. Beale was returned to Falcon Field in Peachtree City, Georgia, just south of Atlanta, on June 11, 2009. The Henry County Police Department escorted the procession to the funeral home in McDonough, Georgia. A simple notice in local papers indicated the road route to be taken and the approximate time.

Nowadays one can be led to believe that America no longer respects honor and no longer honors sacrifice outside the military. Be it known that there are many places in this land where people still recognize the courage and impact of total self-sacrifice. Georgia remains one of those graceful places. The link below is a short travelogue of that day's remarkable and painful journey. But only watch this if you wish to have some of your faith in people restored. Please share widely.

And NEVER forget our soldiers - past and present.

One of my projects from yesterday....

We have this huge map of the world. I love it. I don't really know where the love comes from for a MAP, but alas I truly find pleasure in looking at it. When Dane was little, we would try and have him learn 2 countries a night -- the kid has skills. He knows that map well. I quizzed him just last night and he did pretty well -- but reminded me that I should keep up the quizzing.

Growing up, we just didn't learn Geography. I don't think any of the Scottsdale schools taught us jack about it, frankly. English. Yes. Math. Yes. Science. Minimally -- I learned probably more from Mr. Wallace in 6th grade then in my years to follow (Mr. McIntyre taught me the art of blue slips...and "cut it"....oh and "I said to myself, "self"...anyway I digress.) But never Geography.

The map...the beautiful world map. It has been neglected and suffering lately. The move kinda had it tattered and torn in a corner (GASP!) I quickly tacked it up on the wall in Cole's room simply because there was space. Since then, one year has passed and the poor little world map has become even further neglected and proves it by continually falling off the wall sending me into a minor tizzy each time.

Sooooooooooo...what's all this mumbo jumbo about? Yesterday Justin went and bought wood and built Mr. World Map an INDUSTRIAL frame. This thing is NOT coming down. Already seeing Mr. Map fluff his tail feathers, Dane, Cole and I painted the frame. It was good....but something was missing.

All of the sudden it came to me.... *IDEA* So I hurried to my arts and crafts, set up the paints and had the boys paint the letters I gave them....then when it was all dry, I hung up the words...





ISN'T IT JUST PERFECT!? :-D

A new day breaths new life....

I have to just roll with what life hands me...after the boys got home yesterday -- at the time that we had originally set up but still fought about -- I made a conscious decision to relax and breathe.

We went outside and threw water balloons at each other -- I almost couldn't make them fast enough -- and then in the midst of giggling and laughter, the sprinklers came on! Brrrr -- so we all frolicked in the sprinklers until they went off and the water balloon war could continue. Justin was cleaning the jacuzzi and if there was a leak in the balloon those were "bombs" that meant "throw those at Justin." Poor guy -- sweating and working -- almost getting it completely cleaned out and dry when "KABLAMO." I couldn't help but laugh. Then we came inside -- made dinner and went and rented two movies via Redbox. It ended up being a nice family evening.

And, today -- is CLEAN day....I mean really...I just got done vacuuming under the couch and throw rugs. (It still amazes me that so much ick can accumulate under a couch IN ONE YEAR.) Next on the docket -- shampoo the carpets...make a frame for our map, put the laundry away...and then probably go for a swim. This summer has gone all too fast. Next week the teachers report back to school....the boys start the following Monday. woah.

Just simply too short and too fast to waste my energy on negativity.

...besides I do believe in karma.

""you can't deny they ever happened. You can't deny you ever loved them, love them still, even if loving them causes you pain"" — Judy Blume

For today I hate Joel....and hate everything he does to me and says to the boys. All the games he play. The attitude he pulls. Period. Enough said.

"Thank God--every morning when you get up--that you have something to do which must be done, whether you like it or not. Being forced to work, and forced to do your best, will breed in you a hundred virtues which the idle never know." ~ Charles Kingsley ~

I woke up this morning dreading the day ahead. I was warm and cuddled in with Justin intertwined around me, piper on my shoulder and Scout on my left. My body was warm, my face cool. The music was lightly playing perfect music and the hummmm of the ceiling fan made me want to stop time. And, yet....up I went, in the cold reality of the shower than out into the heat and humidity on my way to work.

"I'm a sitter?!" "ooooh, maaaaaaaaaaan"............

Being a sitter simply means that you sit and watch ("babysit") one patient whom, for whatever reason, has been deemed unsuitable to be alone. Most of the time, these patients are suicidal or at least have voiced some sort of suicidal idealization. I generally find "sitting" an utter and complete bore. After doing my usual work of getting the vitals, the patient cleaned up (the room too) -- the bed changed, the person fed, etc. etc. I am generally so out of things to do that I either strike up conversation with such patient or I end up sitting on the computer. I read the Banner Website, azcentral for the obits and news, pay bills or something of the like (all the while being sure my patient's needs are met and my paperwork/charting up to par, undoubtedly. LOL) (And don't worry -- Facebook *and Farmland*, myspace, or any celeberty websites are clearly banned, however blogspot isn't...yet). Anyway, today set up to be one of those days. So with a hmm and a humph, I headed into the room for report.

Without giving many details, my patient is very different than those that went before him. He has had a closed brain injury as a result of a Harley Davidson motorcycle accident. To look at him...he appears perfectly "normal" -- in my book "normal" consists of all extremities, average build, and tattoos -- lots and lots of tattoos. Thing is...the brain is a crazy organ. He appears perfectly normal (although naked...ALLLL DAY) yet his brain simply doesn't function the way it is supposed to. He has no sense of reality (thinking he was a porn star for most of the day) and is very inappropriate with what he says (HYPER sexual). He has lost all ability to take care of himself, feeding has become way of a feeding tube, he can't keep his thoughts or words clear and he has become very very violent. Looking at this gentleman in four point restraints, naked, dependent on others; I, instantly, become a bit sad. In addition....

Grateful.

I rode on the back of a Harley for several years -- absolutely loving the creature and power of those bikes since I was literally a pre-teen. I appreciate the freedom AND the danger a motorcycle allows you. In general, I always wear a helmet. Well, my Harley days have diminished -- when the ex got it in the divorce -- but occasionally Justin and I will rent a bike for the weekend. Today, I think about our rides...and the rides my ex takes and am more terrified than anything. I don't know ONE Harley owner who has had the bike more than 5-10 years that hasn't crashed it. Scary stuff. Not one.

Yet, oddly, I'm so grateful -- to date, my family has all been safe. To date, we all look at Harley's with admiration and awe. I am grateful that I have the life I have. I am so happy that Justin and I are here for my boys...to watch them grow up. I am grateful that my children's father is a walking, talking, teaching, loving dad and that my children have grandparents and an aunt and uncle who can love them the way they do. Because, folks, we never know when that can be taken away from us --in a million different ways and for a million different reasons. For this man, it was simply running to the store on his Harley Davidson and having a car veer into his lane. Virtually unavoidable. Ugh. I don't know, today, if owning a Harley again should be on my list of things to do before I die. I know that this is just one person...but I've spent the day with a man virtually imprisoned in a damaged mind, angry, spitting, in restraints, refusing clothing, tubes in his belly and in his penis, drooling and dry humping the air and think, perhaps, a motorcycle is a risk that may not be worth it.

And I'm grateful that my mind is strong -- my heart is stronger -- and my will is the strongest. The same goes for the people who surround me. Justin got a new job today -- thank God -- something has come threw for us. Now, if we can just get thru the next couple weeks, there will be a wee little light at the end of the tunnel. Oh who am I kidding, my life is surrounded by light -- I just need to open my eyes to it's possibilities. *eyes open*

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

...perfectly enough in my peaceful zen-like utopia feeling of today...my tarot card reading for the day

Like the Justice card, Temperance represents balance and harmony in your life. It signifies the need to find common ground in current situations and to bring opposing sides together. It is time to find a happy median between what you want in life and what you really need. By avoiding confrontation, you can give yourself the opportunity to thrive in a healthy environment free of negative influences.

My life is very good

You know...I've come a long way.

I'm proud of myself.

I am nowhere near where I'm GOING to be be -- but I'm slowly making progress.

It's one of those things, you have to look back to see how far you have come. I just spend some time reading back in my blog to this time a year ago...and longer. woah. I started this blog in 2005 - just think of that. It was kind of fun to go back and read about my life then. I'm finding satisfaction in the fact that I have led a very good life. I completely and utterly love my children (as evidenced by *if you were in nursing school you would get that* the tears falling down my cheeks reading about them) There was a blog entry about Dane starting first grade. Here I sit...Dane's going into FOURTH grade and *Cole* is starting first grade... I literally just can't believe it.

I also am pleased to say that I had a good marriage. Weird, huh? Well, maybe weird isn't the word....but it was a "ahha" Oprah moment for me when it dawned on me that my MARRIAGE was good....my DIVORCE has been terrible. Joel and I let things go. We dropped the ball. We both neglected each other and allowed space to silently move us further and further away from each other. I know that he loved me. I know that I loved him. It makes me actually feel BETTER about things....we were NOT one of those couples that "never should have gotten married"...you don't need to look farther than Dane and Cole to prove that. I will always love Joel...and be grateful for our times together. It makes me almost want to write him a letter and beg that the grossness just stops...I said ALMOST...I'm not there yet....lol.

And yet, I read my blog about my life in the throws of the ugliness...the utter devastation and depression that my divorce and my dad's death threw me into, and I'm not *there* at all either. I read about who and what got me thru that time...and my goodness, they are all RIGHT HERE with me today.

I am very into my relationship right now -- loving Justin with something fierce inside my heart and belly. I didn't know I could feel that way about anyone other than Dane and Cole. I read about where we were -- and look now at how far we've come. It just blows me away. I'm so proud of us...and the work we have put into this. It's not easy being in a relationship with an ex husband and children. Justin takes it all in stride. Time. Trust. Faith. Dane has always loved Justin. They wrestle together and watch (lame) shows together about haunted stuff or war stuff...Dane looks at Justin with complete admiration when he talks about the Army and the war that he fought so courageously in. Cole has really come around. The other day, they were getting picked up and Cole ran back in SPECIFICALLY to hug Justin and say "I love you". *heart melt*

I simply am not filled with hate or disgust anymore. I do long for a time of ease -- but I love my life right now. There will never be enough time (or money) for me to do everything I want to do and I'm okay with that today. I am sitting here today so damn content and peaceful. I have the day off with nothing to do. I love this blog -- and being able to look back.

What a ride!

My daily Tarot reading

The Moon represents those unknown forces and cycles that are out of your control. While aware of its presence, you are unable to comprehend the influence the Moon has on your life. While this is a time full of mystery and uncertainty, it is also a time of great imagination and creativity. You must be prepared to venture into the unknown and follow uncharted paths

Perfect for me these days....

So, I still am uncertain of my future -- I know, I know, we all are...but I mean immediate future. I did not get back into Block 3 at Gateway for the next sememster. I still have an inkling of a chance at Chandler-Gilbert, but I'm not feeling very positive about it. I registered for the EMT course in Scottsdale. I'm oddly very excited about it -- and about the prospect of possibly being an EMT -- and maybe even furthering that to becoming a paramedic. I know that they don't make shit for money though. I just don't know how it's really going to fit into my life. I can't take out financial aide, so I'm a little confused how I'm going to pay for school. I'm hoping (perhaps ignorantly) that I will be able to work at the hospital AND get a job as an EMT...I certainly need the dual income. The medical field is DEFINITELY where I want to be. I will finish my nursing degree...but I just don't HAVE THE CHOICE to do it NOW....so I have to think about my alternatives.

I'm just terrified about money. The bankruptcy will be such a relief...but I'm not there yet (I have to pay them almost 2k before they file) -- so the phone calls and such are a little unnerving. We just do not have the money to make it work. Justin got a job but it sucks...if work is slow, he gets called off. We can't live like that. He is testing for a GREAT job in the aviation field (working on the helicopters -- which is what he did in the Army) at the end of this month ---PLEASE PRAY for us that he gets it. It would be FABULOUS for us -- and for him, in general. He is such a good man and hard worker -- this would be great for his self esteem. I want that more than anything for him....truly, even more than just for the money.

So what to do - what to do... one day at a time...one day at a time...and just believe that God's plan for me works out sooner than later.

"Destiny is what you are supposed to do in life. Fate is what kicks you in the ass to make you do it."
— Henry Miller

!!!!MIGHTY FINE, DANE IS NINE!!!!

Nine super fast and fun years have passed with Dane on this Earth and there is nothing to say short of the fact that he makes the world a better place. I KNOW, for one, that this kid is destined for BIG things. I feel truly blessed to be his mother and to be able to watch him grow up into just a really cool kid and eventually a respectable man. We are headed to my Mom's for a little shindig tonight-- swimming, pizza, presents and a mint chocolate chip cake that he picked out (and I'm almost certain to forget in the freezer...LOL).... I'm just filled with love and pride. I'm *his* mom....and *HE IS NINE!*



"God warns us not to love any earthly thing above Himself, and yet He sets in a mother's heart such a fierce passion for her babes that I do not comprehend how He can test us so."
— Geraldine Brooks (Year of Wonders)