"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

Things are looking up--- a little...Justin got a job --thank God. It's not anything that dreams are made of but it is work -- doing what he loves to do, which is working on cars. And it will pay some bills....we're both good with that.

I've been hard on him lately -- trying not to, but just feeling really deflated about money. I've never had a money issue, so this is new to me. He is the hardest worker I've ever met. I was raised around men who worked hard, but in a completely different line of work. I see Justin at work, filthy, sweating, and just on the ball...he comes home and Cole always states "Justin, you stiiiiiink" which I find incredibly adorable since he's never seen a man work hard. (And, that's not entirely a dig at his father -- the days his dad does work -- he comes home four hours later with a crease still in his pants...ok, ok, maybe it was a dig).... but I love that about Justin.

The other night I had a conversation with a dear friend, Melanie. She asked me what it was that I liked about Justin. I think she may have been expecting me to "hmmm and ummmm" but the answers came so easy. I need to remember that and stop being so down on things -- I need to believe that everything will work out -- because it will. It may not work out the way I thought it would, or thought it should, but it will work out...

Last night we had dinner with my cousin (second cousin to be exact).... I haven't seen her...in DECADES and was a little nervous as to how it would turn out. She was such a breath of fresh air. She found out at 34 that she had breast cancer. Since then she has completed her chemotherapy and radiation. She lost all her hair (and bought the most FABULOUS wigs...) She is a very high energy, independent woman...and this just knocked her on her tail. But seeing her last night, is proof that there is power in being positive and believing that your life's plan is already set. She is successful and beautiful and I get such a calming sense in her presence.

I'm not all religious but I do believe God has a plan, and it's up to us to grab ahold of it and make it happen. A blueprint really means nothing unless there is someone there to execute it. From time to time, you have to go back and look at the the blueprint when the pieces don't seem to fit together, but ultimately there comes a moment where you see what you did wrong, and figure out how to fix it. Justin is good at that. He has big changes in his life and he just runs with it and creates a new path. I'm trying to be proactive and see each detour in my life as simply that....a fork in the road leading to a greener pasture (so hard to do but I'm trying.) My life is already in a blueprint....and it's time to execute.

I took one of those silly online quizzes....and apparently I should live in the 30s....

You are strong and determined and have what it takes to get through life's storms. You are very helpful to those around you-- be it your friends, your family, or even a neighbor in need. You are a great leader and strong-willed person, and take challenges as a way to better yourself...But you also have a deep sense of warmth and nurturing for those you care about. You are well-rounded and tough because you have to be. You aren't a "diva" but rather a humble person with admirable character. With more hard-working, quality like you, this world would be a much better place. By being able to turn a little into a lot, you know how to make life enjoyable even if it's just through the little things

I like that! And in my best of days I do believe it is true.

Someone asked me the other day what is one word that you want the world to remember you for -- when I answered "children" he gave me a "that's lame look" (Oh, he, with no children was asking for more).... "One word to describe yourself...." and I responded quickly "resilient."

re-sil-ient   [ri-zil-yuhnt, -zil-ee-uhnt]
adjective
1. springing back; rebounding.
2. returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched.
3. recovering readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyant.

Oh, I'm not entirely there. I feel like I have the ability to be resilient in my strong moments and I suppose when I look back now I can see bits and pieces of resilience along my every changing pathway. But it's so much bigger than that. I don't want to look back and think of all the negative things in my life. I want to relish in the joy and love that I've shared.

For example, in one of my less than chipper moods, I was driving home and crying (an event that has greatly deminished as of late.) I was thinking about the happiest I've ever been. At the cabin in Nebraska. My high school graduation. College. College Graduation. Green Bay. De Pere. Having children. Buying my first house. Getting into nursing school. ....and it hit me.... most of my happy times involved my dad...or Joel. Niether of those men are in my life in that capacity anymore and I cried. And like the tears are falling now, it was crying with a multi-faceted purpose.

I cried wondering if I'd ever have pure happiness again. My life is so riddled with jade -- so bewildered by backstabbing, doubt and pain -- that is hard to think of a time where pure happiness can prevail. And then I cried for the bitter person that makes me be. I am *NOT* that person. I am living a very decent life. I have figured out what is important in my life and am fully commited -- to seeing those things thru -- and to those who held me up when the ground disappeared below me. And in one *drop* of a tear -- another one followed that said "MY GOODNESS, KRISTEN -- you have figured out such a huge piece of the puzzle!" It's no longer about being the happiest, the richest, the luckiest, the smartest, the strongest -- no longer about "keeping up with the Jones' or putting up a wall or a front" -- it's about feeling each and every grain of salt or sugar that life hands me. It's about being honored to be a mother to two beautiful boys, embracing my life, loving my family, adoring my dedicated friends, being thankful for my house, grateful for my job and ultimately about being content with my life.

So, perhaps I won't have that happiness again -- the kind that innocence and purity bring. But I will be happy. I will be who it is that I am suppose to be and I will be damn proud of myself. I will revel in the pride that I see in my family and friends around me and the pride they see in me. I will look into Justin's eyes and see a future not filled of the things we have to do or the things we wish to acquire, but merely a future of being together and raising two children who have done nothing but given us love and shown us that the simple things make happiness. I will be happy because I feel like I've unlocked something that some people much older than me have yet to -- or perhaps may never -- reach. It's not about about what you have or what they think. It's about YOU. That realization and that love brings forth a lot of freedom and happiness. And this secret came to me through years of pain, doubt and tears...yet I figured it out. I figured it out with grit and determination....

...Oh, and by being resilient.

"And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others. And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about." — Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

In the world of hills and valleys -- I am definitely in a valley....

Things are incredibly difficult right now...I'm trying to keep perspective but it's all just coming down on me so hard right now. Justin has been out of a job for 3 weeks now. I know that he is looking hard, but it is just too much for me right now. We are beyond broke. Rent is due in less than a month -- and that's also Dane's 9th birthday. I have 9 dollars in my bank account right now...how am I going to figure this all out. I also just found out that I didn't get into a nursing program for fall...which means that I will have to start paying financial aide, pay back my previous scholarship and wait again to try and get in for Spring 2010. I don't know if I should just give up the dream of being a nurse. I cannot survive on my income. I could sit for my LPN -- but I'd have to leave Banner because they aren't hiring LPNs anymore. I just talked to a friend of mine who got her LPN and she can't find a job. SO, it is a possiblity that even if I took my boards and got my license (again, another issue since the DUI) that I wouldn't even be able to find a job....OR do I just look again in the social work field that my degree is in and bag nursing school and my dream all together!?

There is no easy answer -- nothing that is the right thing to do. I'm feeling very depressed. I've gained almost 40 pounds since November -- which is when I went on my antidepressant -- so I really need to call the doctor about that. I go to my GYN tomorrow on a follow up on a irregular pap (lovely)...and it's a new doctor so I have to fill out all the super fun paperwork and start anew. I'm extremely sleepy - have offers to do things with people but don't want to. I'm falling. I know it. I feel it. But, there isn't a thing that can be done about it.

In all my life....and all my love...I've never loved anyone quite like I've loved my dad.

He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
~Clarence Budington Kelland

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

*I'm Trying* by Martina McBride

She said I'm not pointing fingers,
He said yes you are,
cause you wouldn't bring it up if you weren't.
And if I'd told you I'd been walking
out in the dark night thinking
Would you take as truth this alcoholic's word?

Oh I can't change, what's done is done,
but I can tell you this
Not a day goes by that I don't curse myself and all my sins
and I need you to hold on too,
while this part of me is dying
Though I haven't kicked the demons that haunt me,
I'm trying, I'm trying.

She sat down on the floor and said I wish that I was stronger
Right now I feel as fragile as glass.
And I want to believe you,
believe what's held you has freed you,
and I hate these doubts that keep on comin' back.

My parents think I'm crazy for hangin' on this long,
but there's nothing I want more for us
than to prove to them they're wrong.
And I don't want to be afraid,
I don't wanna think you're lying,
And though I haven't found the faith that I need,
I'm trying. I'm trying.

He asks do you want me to leave?
Cause if you do you know I will,
but she says, much to his disbelief,
No, I love you still.
Oh, I love you still.

He said I don't know why I've been the fool,
but I can tell you this,
not a day goes by that I don't curse myself and all my sins.
Then he dropped down to his knees,
By now they both were crying,
He said, I haven't been the man I want to be,

But I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying, I'm trying.

Last night, we settled in for Pizza and "Bride Wars" -- (m)

We happen to have an infatuation with "The Red Box" movie rentals, as of late. We've seen pretty much all the movies we really wanted to see so now we are going back in time to those that I wanted to see, but wouldn't pay in a theater.

Bride Wars. It's a movie about two best friends who grew up together (Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway) who both get engaged at the same time and both hold the same dream of getting married in June at the Plaza. Yep, Justin, Dane and Cole also watched it with me. See, I LOVE Kate Hudson. I think she's adorable...and I think she seems like she would be a cool chick to hang out with. I love that she married (and divorced) a totally ugly hippie (LOL) and her relationship with Ryder, her son, seems cute and fun. Anyway, I generally enjoy the movies that she makes....so I figured I'd like this one...

...but I REALLY LIKED IT. I laughed and I cried. While the plot is extremely predictable - it really struck a cord with me. There is a line at the end of the movie, that (with tears falling down my cheeks) I quickly grabbed a pen and paper and wrote down the quote:

"Sometimes in life there really are bonds that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person that will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime is the one person that knows you, sometimes better than yourself, is the same person that has been standing beside you all along"

I love that.

In one way, I love that because I have some people who I share that bond with (I love you -- you know who you are) but also, it makes me sad. Many of the people that I thought those bonds had been created with, clearly weren't the relationships that I believed them to be. Obviously I am speaking about my marriage -- to a man that I still have no problem saying I loved whole heartily and was my world at one point in time. But also to many of the friendships that weren't strong enough to last the breakup of my marriage or the struggle that my life, at least a year, post marriage turned out to be. "A crisis" as the movie puts it.

It's really noone's fault. But it proves that in this world you have to hold on tightly to those that you love, you trust and who, in a pinch, would give up feeling uneasy to ensure your happiness, friendship, growth and love.

Friendship and love should be a very selfless thing and sometimes may take pure strength and determination to hold that relationship bigger than the individual act/actions that caused the crisis. And sometimes we all slip, LORD KNOWS I HAVE, but in the the long run, if it's not the absolute end, all things can be repaired, if the love is strong enough, the desire is real enough and the friendship means enough.

....even in a drag out fight on your wedding day. LOL

...and that gives me such hope.

Who knew!?

I've had a great weekend....

We had the boys 2 weekends in a row -- Joel headed out of town and we had a Beiriger picnic-- so it's been really nice having them partake in the fun. I just love the boys to pieces. Their dad gets home tomorrow -- and I'm already sad thinking about them getting picked up.

Other than that -- I'm doing OK. Money is such a stressor. Justin is looking hard for a job -- but it is terrifying thinking about living on my salary alone. We had to borrow money (again) to be able to go grocery shopping. It will work out -- I do believe that it will, but I am scared right now. There is just nothing for sure. Joel claimed he mailed a check -- however -- I haven't received anything....never ever thought that he would stop paying child support...never. I know I shouldn't bank on him coming thru, but never the less, I do...and it's scary.

This week I will have a little overtime on my check which will be nice...and hopefully something comes thru for Justin.

Counseling -- well...I've been asked to sit out of the next session so she can focus solely on Justin. I know she is going to ask him point blank, "do you really want to be with her" because he completely tries to sabotage things when things are really going well. I'd like to believe the answer is "yes" but I seriously don't know what the next step is. He makes my blood boil sometimes...and then other times, when the stress of money isn't weighing us down (like this weekend) we truly understand and love our time together and each other. I don't want to live my life without him. I know that much. I guess time will tell.

Time...will...tell.

*sigh*

But today is Sunday -- and we have nothing to do but play with the boys -- and go grocery shopping. I'm sure we will be in the pool...or sprinklers or both. And there will be a lot of laughter...because Dane, Cole and Justin are guaranteed to make that happen.

-Limbaugh Nailed This One-

And, I personally LOATHE that man...

By Rush Limbaugh:

I think the vast differences in compensation between victims of the September 11 casualty and those who die serving our country in Uniform are profound. No one is really talking about it either, because you just don't criticize anything having to do with September 11. Well, I can't let the numbers pass by
because it says something really disturbing about the entitlement mentality of
this country. If you lost a family member in the September 11 attack, you're
going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of
$250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.

If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action,
the first check you get is a $6,000 direct death benefit, half of which is taxable.
Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs. If you are the surviving spouse, you get
$833 a month until you remarry. And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those payments come to a screeching halt.

Keep in mind that some of the people who are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's not enough. Their deaths were tragic, but for most, they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Soldiers put themselves in harms way FOR ALL OF US, and they and their families know the dangers. (Actually, soldiers are put in harms way by politicians and commanding
officers.)

We also learned over the weekend that some of the victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11 families are getting. In addition to that, some of the families of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation as well.

You see where this is going, don't you? Folks, this is part and parcel of over 50 years of entitlement politics in this country. It's just really sad. Every time a pay raise comes up for the military, they usually receive next to nothing of a raise. Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle East while their families have to survive on food stamps and live in low-rent housing. Make sense?

However, our own US Congress voted themselves a raise. Many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress one time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per month. And most are now equal to being millionaires plus. They do not receive Social Security on retirement because they didn't have to pay into the system. If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out as an
E-7, they may receive a pension of $1,000 per month, and the very people who placed them in harm's way receives a pension of $15,000 per month.

I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and join ranks before they start cutting out benefits and lowering pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting.

Today is June 10...

Other than the fact that it is my ex-mother-in-laws birthday -- I tend to believe that 10 is my lucky number. My name is KrisTEN, afterall...I plan on marrying my love on 10/10/10...and I just all around enjoy the look of the number 10 -- the even number 10. I didn't have to work today -- got the boys back and was hopeful.

Then life struck.

After careful consideration of my Income to Debt ratio and the inconsistency of my exhusband to be up to date on child support (currently 2, or is it 3, payments behind)...I officially filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy (I've been telling people the number 7 was unlucky for years, now I have proof) I left the office feeling slightly relieved, slightly terrified and mostly unsure. I called up my one and only to find out he was just fired from his job... a family of four on my $11+ and hour salary...stellar. Then I had to HURRY get the kids from Kerry's (which they love) to get them to grandma's house (which they just MIGHT love more). Now, they don't get to spend nearly enough time with their grandma -- whom they love probably more than they like me most days, so this was a real treat. (I miss my mom too...wish she'd move closer...Scottsdale isn't far but, in gas terms, is almost equal to working a full 12 hour shift). Then I hurried back to my side of town just so Justin and I could have what was the most unproductive and annoying counseling sessions yet...It ended up with a drive home in tears

that have morphed into tears in my beers....

In the game of life:

Life - 2,019

Kristen - 2

Too funny not to share....

Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

People are often unreasonable, irrational and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you;
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight;
Create anyway.

If you find serentiy and happiness, some may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten;
Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

~Mother Teresa (1910-1997)

*A New Earth * Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. Echart Tolle

This reminds of being post-divorce

"Whenever tragic loss occurs, you either rest or you yield. Some people become bitter and deeply resentful; others become compassionate, wise and loving. Yielding means inner acceptance of what is. You are open to life.
Resistance is an inner contraction, a hardening of the shell of the ego. You are closed. Whatever action you take in a state of inner resistance (which we could also call negativity) will create more outer resistance,and the universe will not be on your side; life will not be helpful.

***If the shutters are closed, the sunlight cannot come in.***

When you you yield internally, when you surrender, a new dimention of consciousness opens up. If action is possible or necessary, your action will be inlightnment with the whole and supported by creative intelligence, the unconditioned consciousness which in a state of inner openness you become one with. Circumstances and people then become helpful, cooperative. Coincidences happen. If no acton is possible, you rest in the peace and inner stillness that come with surrender.

You rest in God."

(pg. 57/58)

Rambling thoughts about Justin...

I don't know if my life will make much sense to anyone -- why I do the things I do --and why I chose the people that I do. The simple answer is that I do not need any one's approval -- but the more complex answer lies in weighing the pros and cons.

Justin - PROs --he loves me, he loves my kids, he loves our country. I adore the fact that he fought for our liberties. He makes me laugh more than anyone else. We have all the same likes and interests (he likes to camp,sing karaoke, play board games, play in the backyard, etc.) He comes from a big family that have mastered a non judging "go with the flow" attitude. And, they love me. His nieces and nephews adore "Uncle J" cause he gets down and plays with them. He works harder than anyone I know -- he actually enjoys getting filthy under a car or dripping sweat working in the backyard, only to come in and help clean the house (we are both semi-clean freaks). His favorite part of almost everyday is our dinners where we sit down as a family, pray, eat and talk about the best and worst part of our days. He is gorgeous -- when I see him walk towards me, I get chills. He is downright goofy, too. He has the ability to walk in the room/restaurant and somehow we end up knowing everyone that works there, who owns the place and get discounts. He makes me feel safe. He gives me a backrub every night. He isn't afraid of showing me his emotions. He tells me he loves the boys and me for life. Last night, the boys both told Justin they loved him (Dane has for a long time -- but he's finally won Cole over.)He helps me out with contributing money -- I couldn't live where I live if it weren't for him... he watches the boys when I have to work. He allows me and my children to remain in our house with stability.

Justin - NEG -- He seems to overcompensate his love for me == making me feel a little worried, like either he's trying to talk himself into it or cover up something. He is impulsive and young. He doesn't know how to pay bills. He brings with him a tremendous amount of bills. He wants a baby -- he is a compulsive liar -- about some dumb stuff...and some not quite so dumb. He gets himself into situations where I am left to pick up the pieces. I start acting like his mom (figuratively) and I hate that. My family will never fully accept him -- or understand him. He's not going to be going anywhere career wise -- tapped out as a mechanic. And he hurts my heart...makes me cry...more than anyone.

So the question lies, "which is better?" or as Melanie asked me, "can you live with those things that are negative forever?" Very good question....cause in many cases I don't see him changing.

But, what I do know is that people are people. Men are men. I plan on sticking it out with Justin -- maybe in part because I am not going to have another relationship fail, possibly because the boys have stability, but mainly because I love him very much. Our counseling with help...but I do believe that you are what you are. I firmly agree that bringing 2 people into the equation will cause friction as some point. I have learned that relationships are never easy -- and you will run into the same problems with everyone....guys and girls alike. I also know that I haven't been very upfront with him either about the people I am talking to -- or more so, where those conversations go...How can I judge him when I'm doing the same thing? I'm living in a glass house with nothing but rocks....

"You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not"

Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)

When you think you are down for good, simply start affirming: "What an advantage to have hit bottom. The bottom is as far down as I can go. The only direction from here is up. And up I am going."

(Postive Thinking Every Day by Norma Vincent Peale)

I've received many emails after my last blog asking simply, "So you believe in late term abortions?" I needed to respond before I head out the door

Unfortunately -- that is the question everyone asks. I do not think that should be the main focus or question asked in the wake of his death. I believe that Dr. Tiller was a strong American citizen with a family and friends that loved him dearly. I believe that he made a reputable reputation in his practice for other things in addition to providing women with a safe "late term abortion". I also believe that he did nothing but worked hard in a profession doing something that was deemed (and voted!) legal in our country and he died ultimately paying the price of doing just that.

But your questions to me of "do I believe in late term abortions?" It's hard to say black and white simply because I believe that every situation is extremely different and to blanket it with a "yes" or a "no" is too pigeon holed. No, I don't think women in general should have late term abortions for flippant reasons but I also know that late term abortions are legal in 2009 and that they will continue with or without the safety and precautions that legality provide.

I also know many women who have been placed in very difficult situations and learn that their fetus is not ever going to be capable of life -- some of these women choose to not continue the pregnancy. Maybe it's the verbiage -- "not continue this pregnancy" that seems so much more peaceful, loving and, well, frankly, accepted. But these families have been faced with an extremely difficult decision. They deserve a decision.

And folks, abortions *ARE NOT GOING TO STOP* by killing the Doctor that provides them. So, in my opinion, unless you've been there -- and there is NO WAY ANY OF US CAN BE IN EVERY SITUATION -- there is no way you can take away this liberty (and remember most states, if not all, have very strict restrictions on who, what, when, where, why and how this such termination can be completed.)

In conclusion, I simply believe that this man worked hard at upholding a woman's liberties and to be shot down (in his place of worship, no less) is absolutely inexcusable and disgusting to me. Period.