Rebuilding -- Openness

It's been a little while since I've read a chapter. I suppose that is a good thing. Maybe, it isn't? I don't know.

I am suppose to be in Mexico with Justin right now. Last week I ended things completely with him and kicked him out. We have been in the breakup process for at least 2 months -- the roller coaster of "can I" and "should I"....it finally all came to clarity... I cancelled the trip and have since had a very calming feeling come over me. A weight off my shoulders, of sorts. I have even gone on a couple dates....what fun! You know, I didn't think that I would like the whole "dating" scene...but it does have it's perks. :-)

Anyway, so I woke up this morning...the boys are at their dads and I don't have to work...it's blissfully overcast with a slight sprinkle and I began pondering life. (so mature sounding...) I decided to read another chapter. See, I don't look ahead, I simply flip the pages. It's been interesting to see the title of the chapters...sometimes they really hit on with what I'm going thru at that moment. Today's chapter is on openness...my first reaction was "I'm an open book" but as I read further about the masks we put on, I began to realize that perhaps the masks is what made this divorce so damn difficult to begin with...not only for Joel and I -- but the mask we portrayed to all of our family and friends....hmmmmmmm

things that make you go................

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Questions:

1. I'm beginning to recognize the masks I've been wearing.

Satisfactory. I am. I am realizing the masks that I wore in the marriage "happy homemaker and wife" and then the masks that I had on during the divorce "I'm happy and in love and screw everyone else" to the mask that I perhaps carry today "I am guarded, wounded, alone"...

2. I'd like to be more open with the people I care about.

Neither satisfactory or unsatisfactory. I have chosen the people I care about very closely -- I do in fact feel close to those few people.

3. I'm willing to face the fears behind my masks, even though it's scary.

Satisfactory. I'm happy to say counseling is so beneficial for that. I literally cry for the whole hour I'm there. It's crazy. I don't FEEL like crying -- but then I do. I cry when I'm happy, when I've had a breakthrough, when I'm sad, when I'm angry....but it really does help me get things off my chest.

4. I've risked sharing with a trusted friend a fear I've been hiding.

Satisfactory -- my sister knows everything -- my counselor too....and I've met a new friend, Harlan, that for some odd reason, I find it very easy to let know my fears...

5. I've asked a trusted friend for some honest feedback about myself.

Satisfactory. My counselor isn't' easy on me....ever. And my sister...well...I've wanted to punch her in the face too. :-) That said, I think they have both told me how far I've come and how different I am....which is also just as nice to hear.

6. I'm beginning to understand the value of openness in relationships.

Satisfactory. This goes back to the masks worn during the marriage....if I would have been honest with everyone -- if WE would have (Joel and I) our separation wouldn't have come as such a shock. Through that shock, we lost a lot of people...I don't know if that would have been different....and maybe it all turned out the way it was suppose to be, but I can't help but wonder. Therefore, in my new relationships and friendships...I am slow to let them in...but when trust is gained...the openness begins...tit for tat and a bond is formed.

7. Openness is becoming more natural for me.

Unsatisfactory. It's not overly natural for me. I see the necessity though, so I work at it.

8. I can choose to wear an appropriate mask when it's important

Satisfactory. Yes.... at work I choose to answer certain questions without divulging all the ugliness I want to say.... "how are things with your ex husband and the divorce" (oddly I get asked that all the time) and I always say, "he is a great dad...the boys are adjusting well and it's really just working out one day at a time" when I really want to say that he is too much of a ........ anyway, I digress..... but truth be told...people ask, but they don't want to know.

9. My masks don't control me anymore.

Needs improvement. I think part of the healthy piece of moving on is becoming the person that you want to be...I also believe in the secret mantra of life that if you will it -- and believe it -- it will come. So, I very much portray myself as a put together, fun, mom of 2 boys who can manage school full time and work full time with a smile on my face.... perhaps one day I'll be able to take the mask off and truly believe that all to be true...but until then...that mask protects me...and keeps me from getting knocked on my butt....

I chopped my hair off...and added some pink for sassiness...LOVE IT

There's only one person I know with an ass like that....

LMAO...couldn't resist....

Happy Birthday, Justin

I don't know what's going on with me -- I'm quite sure it's just this time of year coupled up with that time of the month but I'm all fidgety, itchy, anxious. I'm leaving in 10 minutes to go and get my xanax....that should help.

I had a panic attack yesterday -- it's the worst feeling -- just out of the blue I can't breathe and feel all trapped. Then, I couldn't frickin sleep -- and the itches began. I tossed and turned -- hot and cold -- and finally gave up and got up...

I read a chapter of my Rebuilding book....it was titled "Transition" about the baggage we bring to a relationship from our youth and our parents relationship. It was the lamest chapter to date. :-) My parents had a great relationship -- and so did Joel's. Other than making Joel feel less than adequate growing up on occasion (mainly having to do with sports or oddly his work habits), our parents raised us well and we would have been LUCKY to have a relationship that either of them are blessed enough to possess. So, it was all kind of "hypothetical" -- to a point I don't want to do the homework.

I went and checked out the boards that I write on -- and read up about a friend of mine going thru the beginnings of a (what will probably be nasty) divorce and my heart just BREAKS for her. In one way, I feel so happy "that" time is behind me -- but I also know it just never ends. You just can't ever walk away when you have children together...or, I suppose you could...but then you deserve hell's wrath and fury. Joel is a good dad. It's a fact. The boys love him. And, there it ends. (by the way, I'm swimming with the dolphins in Cancun -- not ONE bad thing since I came up with my plan.....not that I don't THINK of it occasionally).

Then, I got an email from my friend from childhood mentioned in previous blogs. It was nice to hear from her, and I *think* we are starting to work towards the process of healing our hurts. We will see. The email still came packaged with a lot of "us" vs. "you" undertones (in my opinion) but her heart is pure and I know that letter was hard for her to write. To take that further -- I appreciate her -- and love her. I wrote her back addressing her bullet points -- and now I just feel exhausted....deflated almost.

But alas, it's Justin's 28th birthday -- getting old....so I'm going to suck it up and go do the things that need to get done this morning -- so I can goto lunch with the birthday boy -- hit the dentist and have a nice night with him.

Move Forward

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad...

...and you know, it doesn't matter one bit that my Father is not here in the physical sense to celebrate this day because *we* are all here.

Mom, I am sure this day is hard on you -- the memories and the pain of not having your soulmate here day in and day out -- but Dad is here in you -- and your nightly dreams of him as of late are proof. He is here in Johnny, Rick, Kelly, Kerry and me. He is here in Thomas, Dane, Keegan, Cole and Connor. He is pumping in and out of all our veins -- every day -- every minute. His undying love for you and for all of us was the greatest life lesson that he could have ever left us. He is the man we all strive to be -- proud, emotional and loyal -- and your relationship is held in a higher regard than you will probably ever know. I love you, mom....and so does "Dad", "Johnny," "John," "Jet," and "grampa..." forever. I hope you feel that EVERYDAY -- but especially today, as we all celebrate YOUR ANNIVERSARY.

*cheers*

OH...and that IS NOT A RUDE COMMENT....

simply stating the facts....

LOL...

It issssssssssss...........

LMAO

Despite every reason not too -- I have TWO stars....in TWO days

I'm about to earn myself a massage!!! :-)

Oh, and side note...Justin and I went and saw Mamma Mia....gotta love the boy who does that for his woman... We both enjoyed it -- minus...Pierce Brosnan.... "singing???" well, not such a fan, but it was a real nice break from society....

...and that beach ---- Good Lord...

We can't WAIT to goto Cancun....



17 days....baby...17 frickin Starred days -- and I'm treating us BOTH in Mexico....massages or swims with dolphins...sigh....

kinda makes me love exdick all over again. :-)

I awoke this morning oddly satisfied and at peace

and am just tired of the roller coaster ups and downs that have plagued my life. I'm tired of fighting with Joel.... my life is just too good to spend any time on his negativity. In the chapter yesterday there was a part that discussed making a specific change in your behavior that will make you feel successful. It said "Perhaps you'll want to mark a check on the calendar to reward yourself a little each day. At the end of the week you can look back and say , "I accomplished it! I've changed something! I'm different in this particular area of my personality." I'm going to take that literally...and while it's probably slightly ridiculous to you, I am going to give myself a little check on the calendar for every day I succeed in my goal...and after ten check marks -- I'm going to do something special for myself.

What is my goal, you are just dying to ask!?

are you ready for this....

....here it is....my behavior to change....my reward depends on....my goal is....

I WILL NOT TALK RUDELY TO OR ABOUT JOEL.

Rebuiding -- Self Worth

I wasn't as afraid of this chapter as I have been with some of the others. I have always had a very strong meaning of "self." I have said it many times before. I don't know if it is because my parents were so GOOD at loving us unconditionally while pushing us...or if it was as simple as being a girl that could run fast in first grade, but someone deemed me "cool" or "popular" at a very young age and it carried thru my entire life to date. I don't really like the title of "popular" but I always felt that people were drawn to me and if given time, they surely would love me. LOL... It hasn't entirely changed since the divorce. Now, please don't misunderstand what I just said. ***I*** have changed significantly -- but my ***view*** of myself has not...in some ways, perhaps, maybe I am MORE proud of myself than I ever have been before.

This chapter did come at an interesting time, however. My brain is rather consumed with thoughts of my friends -- with those that I chose to work on my relationship with and those that I haven't. This very morning, I awoke to find myself in deep thoughts about my very best girlfriend (not related) that I've ever had in this world. We have resumed conversations via email lately after a bit of a falling out. We are both very hurt, upset, mad. I am not sure we will ever be able to be the friends we once were, but I adore her with everything in my very being. I also understand that she is coming from a place of never being in my shoes... and it's practically impossible to support someone when you haven't a clue what they are going thru -- even more impossible when you try to remain "bipartisan." I completely understand and accept that.

I remember when my friends divorced in Wisconsin. Joel and I were so torn and tried hard to be friends with them both. The fact is that we all kind of slipped away from each other. I didn't understand it then -- and it really hurt my feelings -- but I sure do now. I've been emailing with one person in that couple as of late -- and it's almost freaky how much our lack of desire to fight for our friendship hurt him. I can say, unfortunately, I understand it so much now and I apologized 100% whole heartidly. I also explained how very difficult it was for me at the time -- I really was such good friends with both of them... we all ended up hurt.

Isn't it ironic?

So anyway -- it's a timing thing...not so much of a "self worth" thing, perhaps. This chapter talks about getting rid of negativity (Joy -- it was like you were speaking to me...LOL)....

Step four: Re-examine your relationship with others, and make changes which will help you break destructive patterns and develop the "new you." If you see that some of your relationships with other people are destructive to your self-concept, choose either to end those relationships or to make them more productive and positive for you

I have been successful thus far at purging the emptiness and coldness from my world....I'm proud of myself for that.

To the questions:

1. I am willing to work hard to improve my self-concept.
Satisfactory

2. I want to improve my self-concept even though I understand that it will change many aspects of my life.
Satisfactory - I want to improve on everything

3. I like being the person I am.
Satisfactory

4. I feel I am an attractive person.
Satisfactory

5. I like my body.
Satisfactory

6. I feel attractive and sexually desirable.
Satisfactory

7. I feel confident most of the time.
Satisfactory

8. I know and understand myself.
Needs Improvement -- I am learning more about the person I am and the person I am going to be...I'm going to really like her, by the way. :-D

9. I feel good being a woman/man.
I'm not a woman/man...LOL, but
Satisfactory --

10. I no longer feel like a failure because my love relationship ended.
Unsatisfactory. And, I probably feel like more of a piece of shit cause my father had to experience a horrible year of our divorce in his last year of life...and he hated it all...and was disappointed in his daughter and that kills me.

11. I feel capable of building deep and meaningful relationships.
Satisfactory

12. I am the type of person I would like to have for a friend.
Satisfactory

13. I'm attempting to imporve my self-concept by using the 11 steps listed in this chapter.
Satisfactory

14. I feel what I have to say is important to others.
Satisfactory

15. I feel I have an identity of my own.
Satisfactory - now more than ever, acutally

16. I have hope and faith that I can improve my self-concept.
Satisfactory

17. I am confident that I can solve the problems facing me.
Needs Improvement...one problem is the absolutely ugly torture that my exdick puts me thru -- I don't see much of that improving -- which will always be a problem.

18. I am confident that I can adjust to this crisis.
Satisfactory. One day...if not today

19. I can listen to criticism with becoming angry and defensive.
Needs Improvement. I still am very hurt by certain people and their judgements. I haven't been with Joel for a year and a half and it's still raw to other people. I just want to say GET OVER IT LIKE WE HAVE (or are trying to do). Sometimes it seems like other people are more hooked up on it than we are -- and while I understand that is their own issues with their own lives...it just ticks me off. I still get really angry when people have no clue what they are talking about -- whether it's how the timeline occurred, how we felt, or why we did what we did. I can't hear "your divorce was hard on me" without wanting to bash someone's head in. I can't hear "I didn't approve of what you were doing" without bashing my own head in. Um, well...let's say Unsatisfactory to that one....

shalllllllllllllll we? (church lady, LOL)

I'm a Survivor....rings so true

Survivor (Destiny's Child)

Now that you're out of my life
I'm so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without you
But I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without you
But I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without you
I laugh harder
You thought I wouldn't grow without you
Now I'm wiser
Though that I'd be helpless without you
But I'm smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without you
But I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without you
Sold 9 million

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

Thought I couldn't breathe without
I'm inhaling
You thought I couldn't see without you
Perfect vision
You thought I couldn't last without you
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without you
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without you
But I'm on top
Thought it would be over by now
But it won't stop
Thought that I would self destruct
But I'm still here
Even in my years to come
I'm still gon be here

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

I'm wishin' you the best
Pray that you are blessed
Bring much success, no stress, and lots of happiness
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon lie on you and your family
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon hate on you in the magazines
('m better than that)
I'm not gon compromise my Christianity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gon diss you on the internet
Cause my mama taught me better than that

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

(Beyonce)
Oh (oh) oh (oh)...

After of all of the darkness and sadness
Soon comes happiness
If I surround my self with positive things
I'll gain prosperity

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)