I love weekends when I don't work....and I have the boys.

Yesterday, Dane had football practice -- Justin met us there. Cole and I ended up leaving early and making dinner -- that way when they got home, we still had family dinner. It was nice. It was made even NICER by watching the Packers win. 3-0 in the preseason. Woohoo

This morning Dane has certification day -- where they have to bring in the original birth certificate, weigh in and stuff. It's silly but it's mandatory. (They just called he was 64.1 pounds and he's bummed he lost weight in these last two weeks of conditioning. LOL) Justin decided to take him -- since Cole was still sleeping. Dane has been so into Justin lately. It's been so nice. Afterwards, there is a skills camp that the coach strongly encourages the boys to go to -- well it's going to be 114 today and we are on heat advisory -- so I'm going to have to decline that not so gentle offer for the safety of my child. I know, I know -- it's a pretty far out there idea and we are likely to get shunned, but I think we can handle it. So, we are planning on having a bbq -- might just be my sister and her family -- maybe it will be more people. I'm rather undecided at 7:52am. :-)

Tomorrow we are taking the boys to the Diamondbacks game again...I LOVE Justin's work -- and free tickets! :-) I think I might go see my brother too...I talked to him for about a half an hour yesterday. He sounds good. I'm so happy that he's getting healthy. Please God make this stick!

Let's take a peek at my horoscope:

There is some tension in the air for you Pisces when it comes to finding love right now. Finding the direction that you want is going to be very difficult, as you want what you want, but you aren't even 100% sure what that is quite yet. You have been battling matters of the head over matters of the heart, and it has been more than a little frustrating. As a water sign, you are better served following your heart, and letting the practical matters work themselves out along the way. This is not a case where all of the details need to be sorted out ahead of time. The love that you are feeling is genuine, and returnable, but if you place too many restrictions on it in advance, it can not move forward. You know this is the real deal, so why are you avoiding it?

I don't know if I'm avoiding anything. I am just really scared. I am scared of losing a good thing. I know that seems ridiculous - i should just enjoy it while I have it -- but it's just the thought of losing Justin again...I don't ever want to think about it.... I just truly wish that money was more readily available....or that I had the gumption to rob a bank. I swear it's the root of 99% of our arguments. And, the wedding, well, I need more money to put the deposit down...and it's just not coming from anywhere. I'm so behind on bills -- financial aide still is a pain in my butt...We still owe my mom money and Justin's brother money... but eventually things will fall into place. I wish I was better at believing that.

Anyway -- J and D just got home -- so I'm going to go drink the slurpees they brought home and watch some Wipeout with my family. Ah, Saturdays...... xoxox

Talking with one of my very best friends and listening to Bread

It is so fully taking me back to my college days -- first to the dorms -- Coronado. The friends that I made there. The friends that I kept there. God, I'm so happy that Robin had a crazy roommate and ended up moving into Coronado...and am even grateful for that firealarm and her crush on the guy on my floor that made her come up to my room and befriend me. LOL So in her honor -- and I will always hold her honor -- I'm going to listen to Bread and make comments on the songs....I'm thrilled with our conversation...and quite frankly I don't want to be sleeping. My house is so quiet -- all three boys are sleeping. My life feels calm.

Everything I Own
This song reminds me of my dad. I made a CD after he died and this is on it. I love that man, if you haven't figured that out by now...and I'm not just saying that cause "time heals all wounds"...I'm saying it because it is true. He was an honorable, hard working, loving man and every fiber in his heart belonged to us...thank GOD for blessing me with his life for my 32 years of life.

You sheltered me from harm
Kept me warm, kept me warm
You gave my life to me
Set me free, set me free
The finest years I ever knew
Were all the years I had with you
And...

(Chorus:)
I would give anything I own
Give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give ev'rything I own
Just to have you back again

You taught me how to love
What it's of, what it's of
You never said too much
But still you showed the way
And I knew from watching you

College was so fun. I swear -- I lived so fully at that time. Robin, Tracey, Rentch -- man, I thought those girls were locks in my life. And the love of my life, Joel -- hockey and 6th street pub.... LOL... Megan, G, Dre, Sydney, Owen...a family of sorts...all going thru the same things....a true treasure..and how naive we were!

Make It With You

Dreams are for those that sleep
Life is for us to keep

2nd year we moved into Arizona Commons -- Rentch, Katy, Shannon and I...and by proxy, Robin. Fun times. Our Jenga games -- kiss the one to the right, pick up a rock...silly. Joel and I were in full bloom by Sophomore year -- I basically lived at his place with Who'dhedo? (hootiedo) and Jefe... We had so much fun on Mount Lemmon....and learning about each other -- and time management.

Life can be short or long
Love can be right or wrong

That summer, Joel moved back to Wisconsin and Robin and I lived together. Trudy. Hot Damn 100. Tracey. Mitch. Hutch. Hands. Summer School. Spanish. O'Malleys. sigh.

Diary
This song always killed me -- was probably the first time I really fell in love with Bread -- I was in California with Robin and Rentch...and we played this CD over and over and over....

When she confronted with the writing there, simply pretended not to care. I passed it off as just in keeping with her total disconcerting air and though she tried to hide the love that she denied

hm.... this song means something entirely different to me now

IF
This was one of Joel and my songs...was going to be the song we danced to for our wedding. My wedding was awesome -- Robin, Rentch, Tracey and my sisters standing by my side as I married a man I truly loved.

If a man could be two places at one time
I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today
Beside you all the way

Those words are still true in some ways....heartache. How sad to think of where we are today...and even more sad to see the man that he has become.

Look What You've Done

You have taken the heart of me
And left just a part of me

I use to wonder what true love lost would feel like -- I get it now. And I get why it's so hard to NOT be jaded when the next thing comes along. I guess you just learn to enjoy the day -- and not take it for granted. I guess that's a hard lesson learned...but one that I treasure.

The Last Time

This is the last time that I will say goodbye
You said it doesn't mean a thing
Let's see what the future brings

This reminds me of leaving U of A -- Joel and I were in this 36 foot Uhaul with a crashed up Neon trailing it -- and we were flooring it at 45 when there goes Robin FLYING BY in her new infinity -- honking, dancing, laughing and waving as she veers left towards California -- and we were off to Wisconsin. Sigh. Such an emotion...a goodbye of sorts, but such a new beginning.

Well our conversation ended -- it's almost midnight -- and I should goto bed...that was a fun trip down memory lane though.

Thanks Robin -- for the conversation tonight -- and especially for always being one of my very best friends. xoxoxo...wishing you the best...just hope it all FITTS. :-)
(pun intended!)

I am having a very hard day....

Well, that's not entirely true (rule one of counseling -- lose the generalizations).... My day started out great -- I woke up after a deep and pleasant sleep. I did a little more studying for my math test today -- and headed into class. I even managed to make enough time to grab the recorder and RECORD lecture (I am going to pass this damn class...LOL)...

Math test...well...I thought I did well. And then everyone converges outside the door and talks about their answers. I HATE THAT....cause it has me second guessing everything... and now I just don't know HOW I did. That still wasn't enough to bother me much -- cause, quite frankly, I don't know how I did yet and there's no going back (rule two of counseling -- there's no going back). Lecture was boring -- but whatever, I feel good learning and being productive in class. We even got out early. I had time to stop and get the pictures printed for the frame I bought -- so I was feeling great.

Then I got home.... and got the mail. BILLS...so many late bills. Then I checked my account -- ugh...and Justin's account...ugh...and then I looked at the calendar of what bills must be paid and FUCK -- my day is gone. POOF like that....(rule 3 in counseling - react -- but don't overreact). So, I sat there and tried to work out a plan that would make sense in our money situation. It's depressing...and I hate it. So I'm on edge -- but putting together my new picture frame makes me happy...so I sit down to study and read. I'm bored. My mind is wandering.

Then I hear "you've got mail!" so I go and check it. It's Dane's team mom with an email about certification day this Sat (7:30-9:30am) and that there is a club after for $30 that would be great for the boys. Joel wants him to go. I IM Joel and say, "look it's 30 bucks -- I don't have it...so if you want him to go, you'll have to pay" which turns into an HOUR....really an HOUR IM (rule 4 - no email, IM or texting discussions that last longer than one or two replies -- really she said that.)discussion that went from touchy, to rude, to sad, to mean, to eventually me groveling and trying to get him to see that I do NOT mean to take him for granted. In the end, I didn't prove any point -- and I ended up in a ball of tears. This was at 2:30 -- I haven't stopped crying yet.

I'm not sure what the deal is with all the tears. They just keep on coming. I'm sure it's stress -- about school and money. (rule 5 - don't take out your stress on something completely unrelated -- what's that called misplaced anger -- I didn't kick the dog....well...she did shit on the floor when I went to pick up the boys...and I picked her up so fast she yelped....maybe I am angry). When I got the boys -- there were just so many comments about money -- and about "Jen said that you have to pay for school pictures" and all sorts of stuff...that have kept me in tears. I'm hiding it well though (rule 6 - don't let the boys feel your struggle, but don't make them think that it's not okay to be sad, either.) So I just sat down with them -- Dane and his scrambled eggs and Cole with his Ramen noodles and talked about their day. Now, they are getting ready for football -- I'm writing -- and then it's flying out the door for another undoubtedly ridiculous football practice (rule 7 - don't anticipate sadness, anger, frustration....breathe and wait for the moment to come....or not.) Then, I will be dropping my children off at their dad's house...(actually my house, as he has yet to refinance)...because I have to be at work bright eyed and bushy tailed tomorrow at 6am. (rule -what number am I on - appreciate what you have -- someone always has it worse....I am going to a job that I truly love -- that's impressive)....anyway....I'm coming home tonight and having a beer (don't get me started on the rules about alcohol being a depressant.)

So, as I posted on my facebook: Kristen....thinks that "killing them with kindness" may never produce the results that I am longing for. In the meantime, it is just chipping away at my core and leaving me with a pain and sadness so deep within that it seems untouchable. Who am I ...trying to kill anyway? My inner bitch is bubbling...

...(rule number whichever came after the last from counseling -- think of the consequences...for the life of me I can't tell which is more productive.)

I want to write -- but having trouble with what to write

I've read my daily POSITIVE THINKING EVERYDAY quote -- not too impressive. I've read thru some of my favorite quotes (I have a VERY LONG list....) and nothing is really grabbing me, either...so I'll just ramble...you know that old game of random thoughts...here goes nothing

1. I started Block 3 (take 2) of my RN program. This time I'm a lot closer to school - it's 4 miles, in fact. I was so nervous this morning. You know that kind of nervous you got right before you snuck BACK IN to your house when you were a rebellious school girl? I wasn't sure I'd fit in. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to wear my scrubs? It's all new! What if I fail? What if i hate it? But you know what -- I did great. We had lab -- practical next week already on IV starts -- Piggy back IVs -- stat lock and existing lines - reconstituting medication, etc. I frickin knew it today....might have been the xanax I took, but I was surprisingly calm. (Funny side bar: The instructor gave us sheets of all the steps we have to go thru on the graded practicum and she said "you don't have to do F and G -- then she shouts YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO F AND G" and we all start cracking up -- I mean -- really 30 adults laughing cause it sounds like our teacher was just yelling at us that we didn't have to do F'ing G...sometimes you just need to be there) We will see how I am next week. Tomorrow I have a test on the math from Block 1 and 2....we'll see. I'm trying to remain positive. I cannot think of one thing in this world that I would rather be successful at (well, other than being a great mom)....so there's that....

2. I miss the boys. I hate it when he has them over the weekend and then Monday and Tuesdays....Tuesday is always so long...and generally a sad day for me. If you go back and look at my hardest/saddest days, they generally fall on a Tuesday. I need to be aware of that.

3. Dane had his first student council meeting -- I can't believe my son is the school Treasurer. He had to hurry to football after that. I worry we are putting too much on his plate. Then I look at mine and realize it's probably just our nature.

4. Rick went into rehab on Monday. I wish there was some way to guarantee success -- like the sober bug just bites down on him hard. I can't imagine losing him -- my family simply can't lose someone else. I'm so proud of him -- finally...and I would be lying if I said it's NOT COMFORTING knowing where he is...and that he is SOBER -- no need to worry.

5. While taking a break, I wandered around to my frequent blog check ins -- I love blogs. I simply think that being able to write and get your audience to actually FEEL like they are with you is more than cathartic -- it's impressive...and I love my friends that write. I wish I could write every one of them and tell them "HELLO! I'm READING THIS".... and then it makes me wonder who reads mine....so hey, leave me a message! :-)

6. LMAO....one of the blogs is written by a dear friend of mine from a long time ago. Our friendship has transformed over the years into one I do treasure. We have never crossed a friendship boundary -- and quite frankly, I don't have many friends like that...I don't see him often -- well unless you go to his page -- then you see him....all of him...often....lol.... but he actually referred to me in a post....let's see if I can get this right... he called me a "drop dead gorgeous antarctic porcelain snow bunny of sex, death, and destruction" I can't tell if I should love that or kick him in the balls. LOL...either way -- it's surely something I've never been called before nor will I again...so that's fun. :-)

7. I was just looking at my calendar -- holy hell...I'm busy. I was writing down my clinical schedule for October....and I noticed that we are having a BBQ on 10/10. Everyone's welcome to come. LOL... That will be one year from the day that I marry Justin Andrew.... and we are going to be introducing the families to each other. It will be comic relief at it's best. Picture it -- loud, Irish Catholic drinking close family meets quiet, non-drinking, Mormon family who barely speak with each other. It'll be a hoot....and there will surely be sneak away shots of Jaeger for my groom to be and myself. LOL

8. Today is a friend's birthday. Odd, if I can really even call her that. I don't know if having a past with someone gives you the right to call them your friend. We certainly don't have any relationship anymore. I emailed, however, and wished her well -- because I do. I did it also to let her know that I do still love her -- and also, perhaps, because I remembered how much my feelings were hurt when I didn't hear from her on my birthday. I guess I just don't say "goodbye" well -- (as evidenced by the last 2 years of posts, I suppose).

9. Do you remember the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" -- I have always craved a relationship with a woman of wisdom that only comes from years and tears -- miles and smiles...Jessica Tandy was so kick ass in that movie. I had this patient the other day (I was a "companion" because she was so utterly confused in a way that only a cruel beast like Alzheimers (I think there is a T in that word, but I...ba dum dum dum, CAN'T REMEMBER...ha...sick.) can do to you. Well, I was with her for 12 and a half hours. There were moments that she was RIGHT with me...and giving me advice. A lot of her advice involved being sure to not buy into the old adage of "keeping up with the Jonses' -- In fact, she said (and I quote) The Jones' that I knew were all crazy whoopdedoop and sad...and between you and me, they are ugly. Just ugly." I laughed but really....it's probably true. LOL Think about that -- it went deep in my mind, anyway.

10. I guess I should sign off....Justin will be home soon...I told him I need one more hour of homework and then we are going to rent "Definitely, Maybe" and have grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. This movie was suggested to us last night by a couple we met at Blue 32. I told him he resembled Ryan Reynolds -- he did -- but not nearly as yummilicious (hence the "resemble" word)... See, I LOVE Ryan Reynolds -- it started with the TV show he was on "Two men and a Pizza place" or something like that. He has a clumsy charm, and plays a sarcastic dry humour role perfectly. Anyway, the guy -- his name was John -- said this was actually a great movie -- and when he found out that I was divorced with kids said that it is a must. Then we started talking about how often the average male masturbates, how often the average couple partake in anal sex, and the characters of Scooby Doo.

That's good stuff right there.

Over and out....

I'll Pray For You....Sara Evans

Sometimes I wish I could run home to mama's lovin' arms
In the springtime, when the weather's fine
Sittin' with her on the porch, glass of tea and nothin' more
Than her smile, for just a little while
And when I don't know where to go
I think of home and how you use to sing to me, she sang

---Chorus---
Que sera, sera, life goes on
Whatever's meant to be will always be
And baby what don't kill you, will make you strong
Just love the journey that your on
In all you do, I'll pray for you

Wild horses and fairy tales sometimes turn into somethin' else
That you never saw comin' at you at all
So I guess I'm callin' just because he wasnt who I thought he was
And I can't believe he stopped lovin' me
So, when I'm feelin' all alone
I think of home and how you used to sing to me

---Repeat Chorus---
Que sera, sera, life goes on
Whatever's meant to be will always be
And baby what don't kill you, will make you strong
Just love the journey that your on
In all you do, I'll pray for you

I got babies of my own
And I'm the one that they're countin' on to be here
For every little tear, and I'll sing

---Repeat Chorus---
Que sera, sera, life goes on
Whatever's meant to be will always be
And baby what don't kill you, will make you strong
Just love the journey that your on
In all you do, I'll pray for you

I have a lot on my plate. I am, first and foremost, a mother to two adorable, yet crazy boys. Both boys are in football -- this is Dane's first year in tackle -- which is WAY WAY WAY involved. He's in practice every day this week -- 2 hours from 5:30-7:30. It's prime family, dinner, homework time....it finds us all very frantic. Dane was complaining about his cleats (that he wore last year) so we went to get him new one's after school. THE KID WEARS A SIZE THREE...and I had him jammed into a size 1.5. Fifty bucks later -- he looks like a walking Adidas ad (although much cuter.) Their team will probably be good but their coaches are SO OVER THE TOP -- SCREAMING at these boys like drill seargants... 7, 8 and 9 year olds...yuck. I happen to be able to sit with the team mom's last night -- and they are just as whacky, if you ask me. They brought out their yoga mats and did the last HOUR of conditioning with all the boys....and by conditioning I mean ... I saw at least two kids throw up. Lucky for me -- Dane's in tip top shape (thanks to hours spent on the wii fit...LMAO)....

...mother of the year I tell ya. It will be intersting to see how Dane handles this pressure -- and if he starts to crack, if Joel can be the dad that I know he can be -- or be the dad I know him to be.... (follow that....just try). I pray that we don't end up in spats this season over me protecting my son's heart and spirit while he protects his competitive nature and overall badass manly manhood. puke.

Also, nursing school starts next week. Again. Block 3, take 2. I could just throw up. It's at a new school and so the fresh start is welcome -- but it's also nerve wrecking. We have a math quiz on the first day. So, I spent some time today going over math problems. I'm going to try to get all the reading done by the first day of school too...we'll see. I promise that I am 100% dedicated to getting this done. If work suffers, it suffers. If my relationship suffers, it suffers....I don't know what else I can do. This has GOT TO END. I can't wait to wear navy blue -- and get paid what I truly believe I'm worth...oh, and help people....I'm in this to help people....(I am...really.) It's my calling -- and it's been an absolute ride getting here, but I just have to do it. Anyway, the song I posted is on my "nursing school" CD and it's also on my "divorce" CD - the CD is a gentle reminder that there are mountains to climb and valleys to crawl thru. Bumps. Bruises. I needed to hear it today.

And I'm a girlfriend -- a uh, fiance. I just haven't been feeling so lovey dovey lately. We dont' see each other much -- and sometimes I just wonder what we have in common. It's just a low -- and it will be fine, but I just feel like it's "another person" to have to answer to and help take care of...I don't have enough of me to go around, and I'm afraid Justin will get the raw end of the deal. I love you, baby...if you even know how to read this....and I apologize in advance for the lack of quality time we will spend together.

And, somewhere in there I'm a daughter, sister and friend. All of which I suck at right now. I have to. Tonight my family is meeting to discuss Rick's expectations in order for him to go to rehab...his demands...on my family...for him to goto rehab. Baffles me. I told him, too. "It just makes me want to become and alcoholic, check into a 4-6 month rehab -- get paid while I'm there and get promised a job -- more than I will ever make, mind you -- when I get out"... Are you kidding me? If we're giving handouts I know a mother of two, who is working full time for pennies and going to school who really needs a hand out. ugh...lol....kind of. And, yet...my family loves. My family will give....they will give thousands of dollars to a man who has proven time and time again that his word is worthless. They are hard words to hear -- hard to even type -- but it's the truth. I pray for my family -- and that we all make it thru this...cause this crack is running really really deep.

So, there you have it....and I'm left with nothing left to say but

Que sera, sera, life goes on
Whatever's meant to be will always be
And baby what don't kill you, will make you strong
Just love the journey that your on
In all you do, I'll pray for you

Our weekend!

Took the boys to go visit the cemetery to honor my dad...

...it's always touching -- Cole said all sorts of things that ranged from wishing Grandpa never died to yelling at the ants for being on Grandpa's stone. Dane was very curious about why Grandpa got lung cancer even if he quit smoking and was worried about seeing me cry. We all gave him a penny -- and said something special... Cole said, "I wish you were still alive" I said, "I love you Dad and hope I am making you proud" and Dane said, "I miss you Grandpa and love you, too"

...and up next -- all the FUN things that we did this weekend.....no more Debbie downer for me! LOL

John Francis Kealy Sr. (June 20, 1944 - August 16, 2007)

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things." — Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid)

Unbelievable to me really, that it's been 2 years since I had my dad. My life has continued in many ways, after all, "Life goes on." I know that he is still with me -- still watched over me and my children. But I wish he was here -- I wish he was there to help give me much sought out advice and love. He did it in a way that no one else has ever been able to. He was rational and smart, yet he loved deeper than any man I've ever known.

My life since his death has been a learning curve. I fall, and I get up again. I celebrate, and I get kicked in the stomach. I have cried more tears in the last 2 years than any I have cried in the entire 32 years before. "My dad's gone. My marriage is over. My life is full of uncertainty. What is going to happen to my family now?" I remember walking out of the hospital that morning in such a daze..."and then there were 6". *heart wrenching.* Would my life be different if he wouldn't have died? There's no way in telling....

I was talking to a friend the other day and he said "when do you miss him most?" I got huge tears in my eyes and said seeing the boys accomplishments. I don't know how to explain it except to say that my parents were SO PROUD of my kids - and knowing how excited they get about my children, made me even more proud than I originally was.... Walking up to Dane's football game -- or Cole's soccer game -- I'd always be able to spot out my dad -- sitting on his little chair, his hat on, spitting out sunflower seeds and drinking his frozen water filled mostly of lemon juice. He never missed a game. He was always there.

But one thing my Dad taught me was that I AM CAPABLE -- and that I AM WORTH IT. My parents instilled an inner strength is us to take what comes, dust yourself off and move forward. My Dad especially was perfect at being able to take the bad with the good -- and when it was good -- it was the best.

I will never forget my feelings the day that my dad died. I won't forget how he looked, how he smelled and how my family surrounded him with love and prayer. But, more so, I will always remember the life we had together -- when I was a little girl with chicken pox and he brought me a home a HUGE koala bear (with a baby koala). When I was a teenager in angst and he was with me through it all. He brought me to get my driver's license. He cried at my graduations. He walked me down the aisle. He hurt with the loss of my first child and cried tears of happiness with the birth of my two children. He was there for me...He loved me. I know that....and for that, I'm truly blessed.

I miss you, Dad. I love you.

Tonight was a great night --

We have the boys this weekend -- and I just LOVE our time spent together. I woke up happy, as did the boys, that I would be able to pick them up from school ("school" is a word Cole got right on his 12/12 spelling test) and spend the weekend doing nothing but having fun. I LOVE MY WORK SCHEDULE right now....and I know it's changing -- with school and all -- so perhaps, I love it more than usual. And I'm going to swim in the free time....

Anyway -- I went and got my oil changed at Justin's shop and brought him lunch today -- which was nice. Then I went to the mall, only to discover that "as seen on TV" and "The Discovery Store" both closed down (I was looking for dinosaurs for the twin's b-day party tomorrow...) Anyway, I picked the boys up right after school (which they were thrilled) and our night began.

We rode bikes, rode skateboards (I can still do all sorts of tricks, thank you very much), ripsticked, sang songs and ate a great dinner all together. I claimed I wanted a girls night -- with my boys. LOL...which quickly turned into a family night --

the boys both showered and it was on...I made us all put on facial masks (go Arbonne), and while they were drying my boys (Justin Dane and Cole) fought over which color to paint my nails (ended up with one red foot, one black foot, both sparkles, and all happy) while we watched the movie of my choice "The Outsiders" It's a great movie...but the cast is just to DIE FOR (even makes me wanna like Tom Cruise again -- say wah~?) 5 minutes into the movie...Dane is out....10 minutes....Cole's out... and at the end of the movie, I asked a sleeping Justin to take Cole to bed (a treat we promised Cole after we told Dane that he could sleep on the couch)...and here I sit....

with proof... A heart full of love and the need to join them in their slumbers. Good night!










...

There was no drama linked to my closing my blog -- and it will be reopened probably sooner than later...

...but I noticed that people from my work were reading it -- and well, I'm not overly sure that is appropriate. Depends who they are -- and what the intentions are, ya know?

I guess that is what it all comes down to in this extra large world of ours -- intentions.

Intention: in⋅ten⋅tion  /ɪnˈtɛnʃən/

–noun 1. an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result.
2. the end or object intended; purpose.
3. intentions, a. purpose or attitude toward the effect of one's actions or conduct: a bungler with good intentions.
b. purpose or attitude with respect to marriage: Our friends are beginning to ask what our intentions are.
4. the act or fact of intending.

With that knowledge -- I really think that is how the whole world should look at things...cause if someone's intentions are good, but somehow you get hurt in the hubbub, perhaps it isn't as detrimental as it initially feels. I need to remember that. I was pretty harsh with several of my friends post divorce -- feeling very unsupported and even ignored. I would say at least half of those people just truly didn't know what to do -- never intending to hurt me, even if that ultimately was the case. That's rather eye opening. I've also forgiven many who, looking back, may not have the best intentions for my life or for my success. Intentions. hm.

My intentions today are to be happy. I intend to get my beautiful children to school, my house clean, my laundry done and gifts bought for my cousins birthday parties tomorrow. I intend to be pleasant to everyone, whether I'm hot and annoyed. I think the mere idea of starting my day with good intentions feels really good.

You should try it.

And for the weekend -- in which I don't have to work -- I intend to not sweat the small things. The boys are going to LOVE the birthday party. Then we will go to my mom's to swim -- because my intention is to let her know how much I love and respect her. I haven't been visiting with her nearly enough. Then I am going to see my dad -- I haven't been in a long time. I intend to cry the tears that I need to cry for him. It will be 2 years since I lost my dad...and I miss him so much that certain days it still HURTS. And then it will be my intention to treat the boys to the Dbacks game on Sunday -- full of popcorn, peanuts and hot dogs - because they certainly deserve it. And, I intend to be kind and loving to Justin -- a man,who has given so much of himself to add me and my children into his family. I intend to make him feel as blessed as I do.

And, while I'm thinking about it -- thank you so much for all the very kind words on Justin's birthday. We had a really nice dinner at home with Dane and Cole -- then all cuddled up and watched TV. It was uneventful, but just what the Dr. ordered. I bought him a card -- I wish I could give him more than that....but he knows. The boys decorated the house and made him cards....enough that brought tears to *both* of our eyes. I intend that love will last a very long time.

Cole's card to Justin:

The front:


The inside: with NO prompting from me -- Honestly



And Dane used light colors so you can't really see it -- but here's the inside..that just cracks me up:



On the top right it says "have a great day! I love you -Dane in the middle he put "Mess around it's your birthday!" and on the left it's a picture of Justin and Dane that says "There's strong - then there's ARMY strong!" LOL

Happy Birthday to my very best friend and love of my life -- 29! It's all uphill from here...LOL

I'm feeling sad today though-- maybe it's just that kind of day -- cause I have a ton that I'd love to do before Justin gets home (which includes bringing my car to his shop for a free oil change...LOL)...and none of it includes being sad on my baby's birthday.... *sigh*

but for now, I'm thinking about divorce....and about how incredibly terrible it is..... I'm not saying that because I am unhappy with my life -- or that I was happier with the life I led with Joel. I'm saying it because there is just so much that is UNTAPPED and UNKNOWN about divorce until you actually live it -- I'm thinking there may be a book deal in the works -- so I can't give away all my details. LOL

But really....divorce is practical for some -- necessary for some -- and really productive for others. NO ONE should live in a loveless marriage -- no one should live with pain -- NO ONE should live with abuse of any kind.

...but what about those of us that had love -- no pain -- and really, no abuse. What about those that just "grew apart".... what a crock of shit "growing apart is..." but how very true it was for me. Joel and I started dating at 17 -- our lives simply were not headed the same directions from 30- 32 when I asked for the divorce... yet you heard it here first folks, (except those of you that are divorced, who may have learned this already).... it doesn't heal any pain. It doesn't make you closer (some very twisted hope of mine) and it certainly doesn't make it easier (especially with kiddos involved.) I miss him. I miss the easier times. I miss the relationship that he had with my family and that I had with his.

His grandma died a few months ago -- I didn't find out until my children told me. It was an extremely painful time for me. I loved that woman. I made a specific purpose in my life to let her know it too -- I sent (uhhum, "we") flowers for no reason at all...pictures all the time and little mementos that let her know we were thinking of her. See, I didn't have any grandparents left -- my grandmother died when Dane was still a baby....and she was all I had left. SO, I sort of clung onto a hope that Joel's grandmother would fill a void. I never really heard much of my frugal attempts. When we called on her birthday, mother's day, Christmas -- she said "thank you" and left it at that. I know it mattered, though, so I didn't mind. But when she died...and I didn't hear a word, it just plain ass stung. I deserved a common courtesy call to let me know. She was my children's great grandmother -- outside of what she meant to me.

See....here's the rule....when you divorce -- you leave the life you knew. Sure, we all knew THAT...but you don't just divorce the man (or woman) you divorce the whole family. You divorce all your friends that can't be "loyal" to you both or who just can't face the fact that divorce happens and it may happen to them. I guess I just wasn't suppose to care when Grandma Mary died. I didn't hear a word from the Nusbaum family after Joel and I seperated. Even when my father died, and Joel was a big support to me, I still didn't hear A WORD from his family minus a phone call from my (to be ex) mother in law suggesting the funeral would be too painful for my children because I "couldn't hold it together."

I guess I have to retract... I got a few people in the divorce -- his cousin, Becky, is one of my nearest and dearest best friends. I love her and her OPENNESS with every fiber in my body. She is able to support both Joel and I and for that, man, for her even trying, is such a testament to her beautiful soul. I also have kept in touch with one aunt and 4 cousins. I'm blessed with their continuous love and support for a fulfilling life that I'm pursuing, and I hope they know that I love them, regardless of what my last name is today.

Well, this time, Joel's cousin Allie told me that his uncle is in grave health circumstances....and I've cried thousands of tears over it. I wasn't overly close with Jackson -- but we got along. He was sort of the black sheep of the family -- first for his learning disabilities (as a child) that continued into his sexual orientation and his eventual move away from Wisconsin (who blames the man). But, I've always really liked the man...and he's always shown me nothing but true blue caring and love. I don't know what his fate is -- but I pray that it's peaceful and that the bitterness in that family transcends his situation and surrounds him with support and love...

...and I will not be a part of it. I am no longer in that family. I grieve the loss of my relationship -- the relationship my children deserved and I grieve for the many members of his family that no longer are my right to care about.

And, I sit here in silence, waiting for some sort of word about his prognosis...wondering if I'll get any more details than that which was already shared with me. And I pray for God's grace and love to blanket the Nusbaum family -- as, in my heart, they will always be my family -- if only thru my childrens' heritage...

and I cry -- tears that no one will understand cause I am not sure I understand them myself.

Lesson 770 of Divorce 101: Love transcends divorce papers and, much like arms on an octopus, extends to everyone that was in your world when you were married (family and friends).... everyone is affected and every relationship changes. Many, if not most, go away...and there's just nothing you can do about it.

*sigh*

Yesterday, I had a retreat for work -- right about at the end

I see there is a missed call on my cell phone from the school nurse and from Joel... *sinking feeling* Well, it ends up Dane's ears just hurt. I called and my ever so wonderful pediatrician got him in at 4:50 -- problem was Cole had a dentist appt at 4:30. I need help...I need another car...another set of hands. Dare I ask Joel for help?! It's "my" day -- and he's VERY particular about not messing with our set days...but alas, I call....and we agree. WOAH! So we met at school, Joel took Cole (got sealants on his teeth) and I took Dane. (there was a little ugliness via text about money -- but eventually Joel gave me the money for the co-pay. After the appt, I went and got Cole from Joel's house. No Drama. Are the planets aligning -- or was this just a fluke... (take note -- no girlfriend was ever present...see a pattern?)

Anyway -- it's Joel's weekend with the boys... I got extra hugs and kisses from the boys this morning -- which makes every day worth it. They are just really really good children. I am so blessed.

Anyway -- for today, I'll leave you with this (cause I have a really busy day ahead and love this) -- I got this from my Aunt Bub after Dane was born...It's been proudly on my refrigerator since --

Parents Prayer

Most loving Father, the example of parenthood,
Teach us what to give and what to withhold.
Show us when to reprove and when to praise.
Make us gentle and considerate yet firm and watchful.
Keep us from weak indulgence, or from great severity.
Give us the courage to be disliked sometimes by our children,
when we must do necessary things which are displeasing in their eyes.
Give us the imagination to enter into their world in order to understand
and guide them.
Give us all the virtues we need to lead them by word and example
in the path of righteousness.
Amen!

"Still I Rise" by Maya Angelou

"You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise."

The Chariot is the representation of victory and a reminder that, through dedication and perseverance, great obstacles can be overcome. This card indicates that you are in control of your destiny and that your will is strong. Your refusal to surrender is your great attribute at this time. You will soon find yourself in a difficult situation that requires you to be in complete control of your actions and confident in your abilities.

I've been reading my tarot reading everyday for the past year or so -- and, ironically, I have never gotten the last two cards. I'm going to take that as a good sign...I'm loving this!

The World represents the completion of a cycle and the attainment of inner peace and contentment. It is time to celebrate all that you have accomplished and bask in your successes. You have achieved a heightened sense of self awareness and a new appreciation for your surroundings. While this card does not rule out discomfort in your life, it does indicate that many of your trials and tribulations will soon be overcome. Everything is finally starting to come together!

Finally. :-)

You know, for today, I am going to brag about myself. I am going to celebrate my accomplishments and my successes. I love that I got this card today...really...so I'm going to run with it.

I love being a mom and knowing that I am a great one. My children aren't perfect by any set standard, but they are perfect to me. I have raised (with the help of many) two very loving and considerate children. I love that they both love to cuddle with me. I am honored when people comment on their nature and when they say that they look like me. :-) Being a mom is hard -- there never seems to be enough time or enough hands, but I know that my children absolutely 100% are sure of my love for them. I know they think I'm fun. They think I'm pretty, too. And, I know that they can talk to me. I pray that open communication lasts.

I love the girlfriend/fiance (hate that word) that I am. Justin and I have been thru hell and back together. Our relationship started out with controversy and we pushed the limits on several issues, but when I think of our relationship now, I see promise. I am so proud that I am with a man that makes me laugh like I've never laughed before. I am with a man who is the hardest worker that I've ever met. He never complains about it, either. He loves to keep the house clean, too. If I'm working, he will work all day, pick up the boys, cook dinner, help them with their homework while he cleans the house and does the laundry. I will get home to happy children who are fed, bathed and ready for bed...and he even offers ME a massage! :-) I love that I met a man that is a complete patriot. Justin loves our country fiercely and proves it not only by serving our country in the Army but also with silly things like telling people to pick up their litter. LOL But mostly, I am so happy that my children ADORE Justin. He gets down and plays with them - talks to them - loves them like they are his own. He respects their father, however, and would never cross that boundary. He speaks highly of their dad to the boys, even if he would rather not. :-) (He's better at it than I am...sigh) Yet, he taught them both how to ride a bike. He is kidlike with them (as evidenced by him rolling down the windows DURING THE CARWASH today -- they thought that was the best.) I just am thrilled that we have come so far and I cannot wait to see what the world has in store for us.

And, lastly, I am proud of how far I have come. I experienced several very difficult transitions in the past few years and I am proud of the person I see when I look in the mirror. I have taken the best of the "old" me and morphed into the new me. And, believe me, I am so different. I have learned a great deal about friendships, family, loyalty and love. I also have learned that it's not the number of friends you have, or the amount of money you have in your bank account that makes lasting memories and good times. I have learned who my true friends are and have been able to accept that some of the people who I thought would be lifelong friends, simply aren't going to be. I've closed doors, and opened new ones. I've met great new friends. I have a great job with a hospital that treasures their employees and proves it with loyalty, education and opportunity. I am amazed that I am in nursing school -- a lifelong dream of mine. It isn't' easy. I am going to school full time, working full time, and trying to keep the home fires burning for my children and Justin, but I AM GOING TO DO THIS. I have grown stronger and braver. I love my family with everything inside of me. I am grateful for their help and devotion to me during the hard times.

I love me. I've simply got everything I need...and I've created this life for myself. This is the first time that I've ever been in the driver seat of my own future. The road is curvy and bumpy but there's a straight shot ahead...and I'm headed there going 150mph! swwiiiiiiiiiiiiiish!