Dane and Cole....this is for you....

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

~Rascal Flatts

Relief. The worst is over and you can put it behind you. Beginning of a new cycle soon. A gift from a distance. You are able to focus on yourself. Take what you have learned and bring about a new goal and plan. You got through something unscathed. A bit of luck has come your way, use it to your full advantage. You may receive news that you have won something.

I won't lie....I don't see the ten of swords card and think of "hope." I mean look at it -- it looks pathetic...like the end of the road...I've been thinking about it all morning, actually (slow day, cleaning, laundry and waiting for my boys to get home)...but really....maybe it DOES mean saying goodbye to the old ways and hello to new possibilities. A new me. A better me. It DOES MEAN RESILIENCE.

And that's how I wish to be known. Resilient. Not necessarily "unscathed" but perhaps better for the scrapes along the way. Emerging. And, not even emerging from a place of darkness back to where I was before -- but truly emerging and transforming into a better "me."

Justin and I had a very good talk last night. I don't think there are two people in this world more excited to see 2009 end and 2010 begin. 2010 is OUR year... We talked about our wedding. We talked about how far we've come. It's an amazing story with many bumps and bruises but where we are NOW is together and happy. We both have been married before -- and both understand that marriages are work. You hear people say it all the time -- but I truly believe that unless you have been thru the throws of a divorce, you don't understand. We NEVER want to have to do that again. (It's much like explaining labor to a woman who is pregnant -- they are "sure they get it" until they've done it...LOL). We talked about me finishing school and the job I hope I land (gives me butterflies). We talked about him taking over his shop -- new responsibilities but so much promise. We talked about paying off bills. We talked about the boys. We talked about the possibility of having another child. We talked about fostering children - opening our lives and our situations to children who need stability. We are stable. (THAT is how far we've come.)

And so yes....new hope and new promises are on the horizon. I can't wait. Really and truly.

Resilient. Emerging. Transforming.

That is the life I've always dreamt about.

"HI DAD!"

My mom had her Christmas party this past weekend. It was a great turnout -- my entire family was there -- all the kids had a ball -- food was delicious..... I was the sober driver and enjoyed the singing, giggles and stories by the fireplace far more than I expected.... It was an important tradition to start up again -- the soup dinner at my parent's house. Holdiays are still hard. Like I mentioned before, my dad just lived and breathed Christmas spirit -- as the years pass by, the holidays almost seem to get harder. My uncle, too has passed away. And, being with my cousins and Aunt was really special as we all know very much what family means and also, what is missing. It was a very cheerful evening that turned into a LATE evening as evidenced by:



LMAO...but even more strange....

My sister sent me this picture -- Dane -- my 9 1/2 year old still crawls in my lap when he is ready to fall asleep. It is super sweet -- he is such a cuddler. My sister took a couple pictures....most of them normal. This one...slightly eerie...hard to figure out why the normal white Christmas lights were so blurred -- was it the wind -- did she move....



but there...in the back of the picture -- in front of the kitchen windows...in the tall chairs...I see a silhouette of a person looking our way -- wearing glasses.

Call me Crazy.

I call that my dad

Merry Christmas, Dad.

A great Christmas Memory --

I miss my dad --

And, I can almost hear him singing -- and my Uncle Joe -- and especially my Uncle Jim (wow,I don't even know if I should call him that anymore).... I just remember being a kid a trying so hard to keep up with the harmony....they were so good...

...and, now.... so missed....

I'm imagining Christmas Caroling being really superb this year in heaven.

xoxo



Don't think for one second "My Wild Irish Rose" or "Christmas in Washington Square" or

Adeste Fideles
Laeti triumphantes
Venite, venite in Bethlehem
Natum videte
Regem angelorum
Venite adoremus
Dominum
Cantet nunc io
Chorus angelorum
Cantet nunc aula caelestium
Gloria, gloria
In excelsis Deo
Venite adoremus
Dominum
Ergo qui natus
Die hodierna
Jesu, tibi sit gloria
Patris aeterni
Verbum caro factus
Venite adoremus
Dominum

isn't coming up next........I know Latin, damnit.... :-)

Block 3 is behind me! YEAH!!!!!

I studied my butt off for that final -- and when I walked out I still wasn't overly confidant. See, the thing with nursing school is that it isn't just memorizing...I mean, you have to memorize the crap, but the tests are all application. It's the "they are all right answers, but pick the BEST answer" kind of crap. Those kinds of tests always leave you wondering if you did well or not. The anticipation of waiting to see my grade posted was far too much so my friends Julie, Marcia and Jeanie all went to have lunch. Lunch turned into a beer or two -- and then I got the text from another friend that grades were up. I cannot tell you the amount of anxiety we all felt. It turns out -- I was the only one that passed. And it sucked. I love those girls. There was in instant friendship bond with them and I am sad that I'm progressing without them. It was more of a sad evening for me -- hard to celebrate when I truly was just sad for them.

...and then today I woke up! A NEW DAY! And, it hit me! I passed block 3! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I am absolutely 100% thrilled. I am SO PROUD OF MYSELF. I have over a month before block 4 starts -- quality time with my family. I love it. I have one more block to go -- and then, take the NCLEX. At that point I will have accomplished a dream that many people believed I would never accomplish. I literally have tears in my eyes thinking about that day.

Today has been a really great day. I started off with a bit of a migraine, but after that subsided, I ended up getting most of my christmas shopping done. It was peaceful shopping by myself. In addition to that, Joel made a payment today (now he's only $2000 in arrears) and I could shop a little guilt free. There are still some things that I want to pick up, but for the most part, I am done, which is a good thing. I also got to see Cole run in his jingle jog/fun run and he was so happy to have me there. I picked them up straight from school and we've been just hanging out together since we got home. It's so nice. I love them so much. I work tomorrow. We have the Kealy Christmas Soup Dinner" Saturday and then Justin's work party is Sunday. I, then, have to work M, Tu, and Wed...and holy man, Christmas is amongst us. Wow. I love Christmas time. And then the new year is right around the corner. 2010. My year. Just watch.

My horoscope and other morning rambles....

You need to take a little time for yourself today, Pisces, and look into the opportunities available for upgrading your skills or expanding your education, so that you can increase your income in the future. Someone may be wearing on your self-confidence or self-esteem by bringing up old issues that have, in the past, held you back. Well, you can't change where you've come from, but you can certainly change where you are headed. Instead of focusing on the past, focus on what you want, and what you are doing about getting it.

This couldn't be so dead on....I have 2 more days of studying before I take my final for Block 3. I am not prepared, as of yet....however I know I will be by Wednesday. I read and re read -- man, I do know this stuff. I just don't know if I know it the way the ask the questions. It's HARD to be in nursing school -- and those that aren't in it -- or haven't been in it -- just don't get it. Family, close friends, children, ya, well they are experiencing it -- but they still do not get it. It's been rumoured that nursing school is more difficult to medical school. I will never know if this is true or not (LOL) but I do feel like there is nothing that can push your mind so far -- your wits so far and your time and energy to a place where you aren't sure they will ever return.

...and they probably won't. I will NOT be the same person I was when nursing school began (for a number of reasons). And, there is nothing in this world I am more sure of at this moment in time. My life feels really GOOD right now though. Let's ignore the money issues -- Justin and I are doing great. The boys are still as beautiful and loving as ever and smart as whips. We are both getting out of school for break about the same time. I cannot wait for the next month and a half of just hanging out with the boys (in between working, of course.) Joel and I had a civil email conversation. I am sure it's because he wants me to have the boys over New Years Eve -- little does he know that is really a blessing to me! He also commented on being late with child support. He said, "I'll figure out the money soon" -- at least he acknowledged it. Times are tough -- Christmas and money is so unbelievable stressful. My mom and my sister have been there for me so much. Kerry let me borrow some money so the boys can have some gifts -- I get my scholarship money at the end of the month, so she knows I'm good for it.

And, in a paragraph deserving of her own. Joy Amy Martin Nichter -- I know that what you do is not because of the desire for praise or acknowledgment. I know that you are a person of God and serving is blessing to you. But i will tell you -- what you have done for my family is absolutely unbelievably full of love. I have always treasured our friendship, but when I turned to you on the darkest day, you and Zach, offered me your hands and held me up. Thank you for everything you have done -- Dane especially thanks you that he is warm and stylish! :-) Joy...you have done more for me than offered your heart and friendship and helped me with Christmas and the boys. But, you have talked to me at length about your life (struggles and successes!) and your relationship with Zach and, ulitimately, with Christ. Like I have said to you before, you have touched me more than you know. You are filled with Grace. Grace is what you get when you are met with imperfection -- yet you have turned my difficulties into love, power and beauty. You've done that for me. I thank you.

I know I've discussed that I have returned to church. I've gone for a month now. This past week just Justin and I went. He was raised Mormon and learned to really hate the doctorines (and time) of the religion and swore that he would never participate in organized religion again. Well, he's gone the last two weeks with me (and the boys). We are going to a Christian church. I have learned more about the bible in the past month than I have in the past 34 years in a Catholic church. (Don't get me wrong, I loved the idea of church with my parents -- and the rituals are still comforting to me simply because I know I am spending an hour with God -- filling my spiritual cup as my mom puts it -- but I'm not really FEELING it-- or learning it.) "Christianity is not a religion nor is it the abscence of religious devotion." I love that. Religions, in my opinion, are generally there to scare you with discussions of penalty, power and punishment of sin. Christianity is learning about God and accepting the fact that we are already saved, that none of us are perfect, we aren't judged and we don't have to climb the proverbial ladder to "make it into God's kingdom." That's powerful stuff. I am excited about this walk with God and with the boys and Justin. I feel held up in his hands (I can't explain it.)

So, I've gotten way off topic. I have two days til I finish block 3 (God willing when I pass this test) -- the boys are at their dad's. I have no reason but to study all day. I planned on sleeping in today -- HA -- sleep? But according to my outline, studying starts at 9:00am after a healthy breakfast. It's only 7:30am and writing gets my nerves out and makes me feel better, so give me a break. And, when I pass that test -- I have over a month off of school. We will celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ and marvel in the lives that God chose my body to birth. This is a season of love and family. I simply can't wait to get past this test and be able to really focus on the reason for the season.

(Keep the prayers coming -- luck -- positive vibes -- postitive juju -- whatever you call it.... LOL)

Beautiful words -- I will likely use some of them for my vows. Less than 10 months....TEN! :-D

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."

— Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I should probably be mortified...but I really think it's so funny...

I'm at work, so I have to make this short -- but.... I was at my nephews baseball game (in which he won -- it was the first playoff game -- and so they continue...yeah!) but anyway-- I got a text message from dear Irish Leprechan friend stating that she received my Christmas card and loved the pictures.... but...that I apparently had signed the card, Love, Kristen, JOEL, Dane and Cole -- HA. Come on and laugh. Apparently that's what I get for signing Kristen and Joel for almost 15 years of my life -- that's also what I get for partaking in a heated email discussion with said ex-husband while signing my Christmas Cards.... that's also what I get for dating a guy who's name starts with J (who, by the way, finds this very comical as well.) And definitely what I get for being so incredibly busy and brain fried with work and school and life....I even thought, for a brief moment, if I had signed a card that way -- and then thought -- to the hell with it -- who pays attention to the signature when there are pictures of cute children involved (and really, if you need to check and see who the people in the picture are, you shouldn't be getting a Christmas card from them anyway....)

But leave it to Heather and her keen eye....what a great laugh I had at my own expense...the mere thought of Joel seeing a card with a picture of Justin, the boys and me -- with his name on it wishing JOY this holiday season.

What a hoot!

What the last two years has graciously, yet painfully, taught me....

"Comes The Dawn
After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
with every goodbye you learn...
"
— Veronica Shoffstall

Well...awaiting insurance approval to be sliced on yet again

....Liked the new Doctor....he doesn't seem too alarmed...though i told him that -- while it was reassuring -- it wasn't his back. He laughed. I did, too, in fact. I feel okay about this. I mean...on one hand, this waiting is just ridiculous, but if you look at it a different way, it means that *they* aren't that concerned. So, I will be patient and wait for my insurance to okay the new doc to cut a 2x2 area off my back and hopefully suture it up well enough that it will be incorporated into my new tattoo one day (he said he will go exactly to the lines of the existing tattoos -- so I think that's good news too.).....

....my head was spinning when I left. I am trying desperately to feel the holy spirit in my life carefully leading me and assuring me that I am on the right path. I thought about a very dear friend of mine who is going thru a divorce and I actually started crying for her. I am so devastated for her. It's not like I thought that they had a relationship that was untouchable -- God, I've learned better than that -- but I truly believed SHE was untouchable. She was such a voice of reason and calmness in my divorce storm. I treasured her ability to see all sides of the issue and be able to make me see them too (sometimes when it was so painful to do so.) And, you know, maybe that is WHY this divorce is happening. Because she CAN see that it is better for her -- and definitely for her kids. And all the sudden, I felt grateful. I felt grateful that I had children with a man that loves his children-- wants his children. WE made the choice to have them together -- raise them together and that has never waivered in our divorce. Joel is not from here -- he moved back to Arizona to be by my family. He easily could have up and moved back to Wisconsin. Maybe, him meeting -- or well, deciding to date -- Jen (who is from here and has all ties to here) was another blessing in a huge ugly disguise. I know he is here -- and we will raise our children together --in seperate households -- but merely miles from each other... My friend, unfortunately, doesn't have this blessing in her life. She married and had children with a cowardless asshole who is flippant about seeing his kids again. He merely wants her to accept a lowered amount of money and he'll basically step out of their lives, living states away from them and apparently not caring much about it. Ugh.

...and so I took a nap. I guess I was just wiped out from the little mouse running circles in my brain. I woke up and started studying. I'm stressed like no other for the next week. I have 3 tests still out -- a lot of points...and I need to pass this block. I have no other shot. This is my life on the line. But you know what...I swear I know this stuff. I just want it over. I have to believe in myself and believe that I will do well on this test tomorrow. ONE DAY AT A TIME.

And on a different note, my bug guy came today. I don't have the money to pay him so I "accidentally" forgot to leave a check. "No worries he said, just mail me a check the address is on the slip." He's been our bug guy since i was a little girl. 28 bucks....but I don't have it. I am terrified about money. Justin and I have 26 dollars between us after my appt. today. TOTAL. He gets paid on Friday -- so there are just some things that will have to wait. We are out of dog food. My poor dogs...so I made them some dog food... a couple freezer burned hamburgers, two eggs, the butt of two loafs of bread and a little milk.... (one day I'll laugh about this.).... Joel still hasn't paid -- he owes from mid October. I hope he's getting a kick out of this. But you know what...we'll make it. It's not comfortable...especially in this busy holiday season -- but we do both have jobs...and a roof over our heads with all the ammenities.... and I have an AMAZING sister who let me borrow some money to get the boys some gifts (I love you and thank you endlessly). So, we just have to go without for awhile... I believe that God has a plan for me -- and I believe I am on the right path finally. I'm circled in love --by an amazing family...beautiful children and a man that has been by my side in the worst of days making me laugh and loving me thru and thru-- I just can't wait until the tide turns and we see the best of days...

In the words of Dolly Parton herself...

I'll be fine and dandy,
Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'll barely make it thru tomorrow
but still I won't let sorrow bring me way down!

There are a million other things that I should be doing...

but when I'm anxious --- I have to write. Today I have my doctor's appt. about my back...again. New doctor... I don't know what today is going to bring. I'm pretty sure it's just a consultation and that nothing having to do with a scalpel is going to take place, but I'm still overly anxious.

I have a test tomorrow on medsurg...I have 3 tests in one week. WE have MORE points still OUT than we have in and that is almost enough to kill me. Tomorrow the focus is on liver failure, chronic kidney disease, diabetes, hepatitis and Gastrointestinal bleeds. I've studied....but probably not enough...and my mind is so all over the place that I'm not sure I'll even be able to study after I get home and that scares me.

I have 50 bucks in my account -- Justin has 3 in his account. I am pretty sure my copay is going to be 30 today -- but it very well could be 50 -- and then I'm screwed. Justin gets paid Friday -- but I'm not sure how we'll make it until then. I emailed Joel about the boys schedule and asked when he thought he might be able to get caught up with child support (last payment brought him up to mid October). That was almost a week ago and I haven't heard a word.

Absolutely filled with anxiety and angst. I've been trying hard to remain positive. I've done very well with my plan of change. It's not that difficult actually to love on the boys without drinking! That sounds gross...but you just never know until you try it. We had a really great weekend -- Dane had a sleep over birthday party so Justin and I made a Cole Night. We went to church and then went to Justin's sister, Mandy's, Christmas party. Cole, Justin and I sat on Santa's lap! :-)



Then Cole wanted sushi...so we went to Blue Wasabi.... then he got to sleep in my bed, which he just loves to do. In the morning we woke up and got him an apple bagel (his favorite.) It was truly special. I was so sad to see them go off to school on Monday -- will be nice to have them home again tomorrow night.

Anxiety...what a killer. I'll update soon.