I'm so scared of failure ...

...it's time to just admit it.... ready for this.....really...ready?

I've never failed...until I failed Joel and our marriage....I failed our children -- the two people in this world I couldn't love more if I really wanted to.....I've changed their course of fate....divorce, doubt, anger, saddness.....they will forever associate those terms with love -- and I suck for that.

and now....all sorts of crazy doubts surround me....

I'm having nightmares -- really scary stuff...people dying -- and me falling down the stairs a lot....I wake up at least 10 times a night....and those times I jump straight up and gasp -- like I'm on my last breath -- and I'm in a full sweat. It scares me something silly....and Justin holds on to me...and asks me if I'm OK....and I just try to go back to sleep -- I lay still, I don't want to keep him up....but my mind runs and runs....my dad.....over and over again - I miss him so much --- I think so much about how I've failed my children -- made them a statistic. I think so much about how I'm 32...and in school AGAIN and serving tables AGAIN, like I went back 15 years...I worry about my mom -- and my brothers.... I get angry then I cry -- all in one night -- and then I finally fall asleep only to wake up abruptly to a horrible nightmare...I'm losing someone...I'm failing... I can't help you...I'm desperate...I'm drowning...I am crying, screaming, yet no one hears me...doesn't take a genius to know what these dreams mean..... but then again, I don't get it. I'm following my dream. I am SO HAPPY that my life is MINE and I am doing what needs to be done.... I'm really truly PROUD of myself.......and I think I may have fallen in love again -- which is terrifying and beautiful all at once. He takes my faults and welcomes them. His family adores me almost as much as I adore them. I always wondered what it would be like to be LOVED unconditionally by the "in laws" -- and while we aren't married, they adore me 100%. Maybe it's because I'm older and I might not care as much -- maybe it's cause I am more educated -- have more of a promise for the future then some of their other "sons and daughters in law" but Justin's family makes me feel the way MY family makes me feel. Loved. Treasured. Worth it. I never, never, never thought I'd feel that way.

Nursing school is great -- busy -- but so great....and then now that I"m working -- I don't see Justin hardly ever....but I came home to a house that was cleaned head to toe -- I mean vacuumed, mopped, toilets clean, mirrors washed, laundry done....and there he is saying, "I love you and i just want to make this easier on you".

I adore him.

I absolutely 100% adore him.

My essay for a nursing scholarship

And our prompt was: Our founder, Doug Ulman, often says that cancer is the best and worst thing that ever happened to him. What do you think when you read that statement? Frame your answer in the context of your educational, professional and personal goals.

My dream is already coming true. My dream is my life. My life and the person I am today is due in large part because my father died from Squamous Cell Cancer. Irony. Reality. Truth.

My name is Kristen Kealy and I am a 32 year old mother of two wonderful boys (7 and 4). I graduated from the University of Arizona with a Social Work and Family Studies degree. I regret that I didn't stick with my first major of "nursing" but I was just a kid trying to graduate. Then, I moved to Wisconsin, got a great job which I loved, got married, bought a house, had my first son and quit my job to be home with him. We moved back to Arizona to be closer to family. We had another son, bought a bigger house, started a company. Hope. Happiness. Safety.

The year 2007 had different plans for me. It included a nasty divorce, losing a best friend, selling my home, putting my boys in daycare for the first time, getting a job starting at the bottom, even the death of my dog. Anger. Sadness. Betrayal. In July, my father was diagnosed with “pneumonia”. After a few days in the hospital he was sent home with antibiotics. About a week later, he still was not improving. I begged him to go back to the hospital. They decided to go in and do a lung biopsy. On July 15, 2007 we were told my father had stage 4 cancer. We spent one month fighting, however, my father passed away after only a ONE month battle with cancer on August 16, 2007. It was the worst day of my life. Devastated. Deflated. Depressed.

I am the youngest of five children. My parents are still married. We were all there when dad died – one came from North Carolina – one from California. The last words my dad and I exchanged were “I love you.” What a true gift. A little time has passed now and even when I look back to that last day, I remember looking around the room and thinking “we are all together.” My dad died, sure, but he died doing what he loved the most – being with his family. I find tremendous happiness in that. Strength. Pride. Loyalty.

The next few months were spent in a blur of depression and feeling lost. It eventually became time to reevaluate my life. During this process, I just KNEW I had to follow my dream and become a nurse. I truly believe that my father had his hand on my back when I was accepted into nursing school. My dad loved that I wanted to be a nurse. We talked about it often. I do believe he said, “Here you go baby girl, I believe in you.” It was time for me to be brave. It was time for me to look ahead and believe. Anxiousness. Happiness. Determination.

I quit my job (same hours as school) and began to search for a way to survive the next 2 years. I have to figure out how to support myself and my beautiful children. I have taken on a part time job as a waitress. I have taken all the necessary steps with the government as far as loans go and now I am searching for grant/scholarships. Excitement. Fear. Focus.

I didn't ever think that such a devastating 2007 would end only to begin 2008 with such promise. I know that my life is not necessarily easy, but I also KNOW that this is what I am meant to do. I KNOW I will continue to be a great student. I know that my Dad taught me about compassion, not simply for the patient, but for their family as well. I know when I walk across that stage and get my nursing pin, my dad will be up front and center. No one else will know it, but I know he wouldn't miss it for anything. Laughter. Tears. Pride.

In conclusion, I agree with Mr. Doug Ulman with all my heart. Cancer took away a faithful man – to his God, his wife and his family -- which is terribly sad and I will never understand why. But Dad gave me his fighting Irish spirit and courage to dream. Yes, my dream has already begun and I cannot wait to complete it. Success. Knowledge. Strength. Love.