Well, the boys are back in school....

Cole started Kindergarten! YEAH!!!

If you remember, I don't have the boys today -- so I had to meet them at school. I didn't get a chance to see Dane -- but I did see Cole.

He is so handsome.

He got a little teary eyed when it was time to go in though - I chalk it up to the same tears he always cries after he hasn't seen me for the weekend and not to school jitters. He is so darn sweet.

My bobo..... in REAL SCHOOL!

Rebuilding -- Letting Go

"The goal of working through this rebuilding block is to emotionally invest in your own personal growth instead of in the dead relationship. There is no return on an investment in the relationship's emotional corpse. The greatest possible return comes from investment in yourself."




...I like that. I think that I am doing a lot to make myself a better person.

*I am throwing myself into my work -- into the hospital and it's paying off. The people that I work with see that I have motivation and drive and they are providing me with all sorts of opportunities to further my education and career in health care.

*Nursing school starts in less than a month. I went thru so much in my last block, I want to prove that I am there, present, 100%. I am an intelligent woman achieving a goal. I feel like I am going to have to prove myself to several of them. I let my personal life change my studying habits and my attendance. I was on medication that made me sleep all day -- even in class. That is all embarrassing. I will be so different in block 2.

*I have opened up my heart to allow myself to love again. (I almost put "fully" after 'love' -- unfortunately I'm not quite *there*). I have put myself out there to meet new friends. I have opened up my heart and committed (Dane wants me to write that he saw a black dog. LOL) to my relationship with Justin. I have started taking care of my emotions, my heart. I truly believe I am worthy of happiness, love and true, unwavering, friendships. My eyes are open.

*I have tried to cut off conversation with Joel unless it is about the boys. He just keeps coming at me about the silliest things: the house, my relationship with JHo, the quad, threats of lawsuits, the company, my family, etc. I understand his anger and constant badgering are because he hasn't let go completely yet. I trust we will both get there, I do.

I haven't mastered letting go -- but I'm really working on it....let's do the questions and see my progress, shall we?

1. I think of my former love partner only occasionally now.

Unsatisfactory

2. I rarely fantasize about being with my former love partner.

Satisfactory

3. I no longer become emotionally upset when I think about my former love partner.

Needs improvement. The thing is that I am just disgusted that our relationship has come to this. I laugh at most of the stuff he emails or texts me about simply because it is ridiculous...but I could cry at the drop of the hat at what we have done to our kids -- and what we have done to each other. I also can get extremely upset when I think about his relationship with JHo...

4. I have stopped trying to please my former love partner.

Satisfactory -- but I'm not sure that's a good thing. I think part of "moving on" is actually respecting each other to actually attempt TO please each other...or at least respect each other.

5. I have accepted that my former love partner and I will not get back together.

Satisfactory.

6. I have stopped finding excuses to talk to my former love partner.

Satisfactory.

7. I rarely talk about my former love partner with friends.

Needs improvement. The thing is -- there is always some drama happening. In general, my sister hears it all. He still works with my brothers -- and so everytime I see or talk to them, they tell me how worthless of a worker he is...they tell me how little he works -- or how much he's taken from the company...I think they are saying it in a way to try and show me that they "support" me...but noone does anything to stand up to Joel. They let him treat me with the utmost disrespect, so those words are all hollow. And then when I hang out with friends that I haven't seen in a while, conversations always wind up talking about the grossness of the relationship choices that Joel and Jho made. People who haven't dealt with it day in and day out are always very vocal about how inappropriate it is (or was) -- and while I appreciate the "support" it also feels counterproductive. I've been dealing with their relationship for about a year now -- so the "shock" is no longer there for me....and all this talking ends up making me feel badly about everything all over again. Kicked in the stomach. Angry. Sad.

8. I have outgrown any feelings of romantic love for my former love partner.

Satisfactory. (well, I suppose I still *miss* the romantic love that we once had -- but those feelings are very very distant now and I certainly do not wish for romantic love with him now)

9. I no longer wish to continue a sexual relationship with my former love partner.

Satisfactory -- my God....definitely.

10. I have given up my emotional commitment to my former love partner.

Unsatisfactory -- how can you -- with children? And really, should you?

11. I can accept my former love partner having a love relationship with another person.

I don't know how to answer this. If Joel was with ANYONE other than MY friends or family....I would be accepting of it. I will never accept his relationship with JHo. I won't. I don't have to respect her. I don't have to like it. So take that and run with it.....

12. I feel like a single person rather than a person in a committed love relationship with my former love partner.

Satisfactory. I feel like we are parents. And, that's where it ends.

13. I am no longer angry at my former love partner.

Unsatisfactory. Most definitely.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I'm meeting with the boys teachers in about an hour

I have to work tomorrow so I am going to be missing the "meet the teacher night." Luckily, I know people. HA. My sister, Kerry, arranged a pre-meeting. I'm excited. I'm also sad. Divorces are ugly -- mine in particular. So, I have to go into the whole thing -- who is who in the boys life. (remember JHo works at the school too, which always confuses the hell out of people). I also am going to need to ask them to try and do the best to keep both parents informed simply because we aren't on speaking terms. That doesn't say much for our maturity level. I'm disappointed in both of us.

But that said, my baby is starting Kindergarten on Monday -- Dane will be in third grade. *gulp* It feels like yesterday that Dane started kindergarten. I remember chronicling it with pictures and love in this very blog -- Monday will be so different. Cole won't wake up at my house. He won't get ready with me, eat breakfast with me and I won't drive him to school. I don't work, however, so I'll be there. I'll get to love on him...but it certainly won't be the same. I asked Joel if he'd take some pictures of the boys that morning. Apparently, by the rude response I got back, that is asking too much and "he's not doing any favors for me."

Pictures of our children...a favor?!

Times like these....

Cole crawled into bed with us around 3 this morning. Just cuddled all in. He jumps in the middle hugs me with his hands, puts his feet over Justin and says "I love you, mom."

awwwwww, "I love you too, bobo"

....and then we fall back to sleep.

I wake up, look at the still unplugged clock and say, "babe, any idea what time it is" to which I get no reply. So, I look at the phone. "Honey, it's 7:30." Justin says, "what day is it?" Ha. "It's Thursday" and up he jumps... "damn, I thought it was the weekend, wishful thinking."

...and Cole rolls over with a big smile on his face, and in the sweetest voice, "Um, mom, I love this new house" and proceeds to get kisses all over from Piper and ends up in a fit of laughter.

I look up at Justin, he's looking at me... a moment.

"I love you."

"I love you too, baby girl."

Pure bliss. *smile*

Rebuilding -- Anger

I've been moving the last week and a half. It was suppose to be over on Monday -- but in true Nusbaum form -- ex-dick needed to make it difficult. It's been a hellish war since then to which I finally conceded this morning...simply to tell him to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. No one wins in this constant battling -- and frankly, my life is too busy to deal with his issues too. I made an emergency counseling appt too. All this on top of not feeling well....could be the flu, could just be nerves. I feel a lot like I did in the days post-retreat. I managed to only throw up once at my therapist's office though....nothing quite like paying someone while you puke. Lovely

Anyway -- back to anger -- which is so apropos on a day like today. I am ENRAGED by anger. I'm giving myself room to be pissed off at the situation, the ugliness, the ultimate death of a man I loved more than life for 14+ years of my life. I haven't a clue who he is and wonder truly if it's even human. I am justified to be TICKED off that he always gets his damn way. I've been doing it our whole lives though -- setting him up -- and taking his fall. I guess I don't know why it surprises me now. *sigh*

Ok, so to the questions -- (sidebar requested....) Okay, hi there. This is just you and me here... when I read books like this one -- or political such books, I underline, highlight, and write notes all over it.... YOU SHOULD SEE THIS CHAPTER...all sorts of profanity and underlines and colorful little comments...clearly I'm one ANGRY person....) So, ya....I'm definitely NOT past this anger building block.

1. I can communicate with my former love partner in a calm and rational manner.

Generally, satisfactory -- however not this week. He, however, is always mad when he talks to me. I'm usually trying to tame the wild beast

2. I am comfortable seeing and talking to my former love partner.

Satisfactory

3. I no longer feel like unloading my feelings of anger and hurt on my former love partner.

Needs Improvement

4. I have stopped hoping that my former love partner is feeling as much emotional pain as I am.

Unsatisfactory -- I hope that bastard hurts.

5. I no longer feel so angry at my former love partner.

Unsatisfactory

6. It is not important any more that my family, friends, and associates be on my side rather than on my former love partner's side.

Needs improvement. I will always want my family on my side --

7. I have outgrown the need to get even with my former love partner for hurting me.

Satisfactory. Never been a tit for tat kind of person -- wish he wasn't.

8. I no longer blame my former love partner for the failure of our love relationship.

Not sure how to answer this. The breakdown of our marriage was or either was not any one's individual fault. 50/50

9. I have stopped trying to hurt my former love partner by letting him know how much I hurt emotionally.

Satisfactory

10. I have overcome my anger and have begun to accept the things my former love partner has been doing.

Unsatisfactory

11. I am expressing my anger in a positive manner that is not destructive to me or to those around me.

Needs improvement. Thank God for Justin...and Kerry. Their strong backs are carrying me through the tough times....and sometimes those times aren't so pretty -- or kind.

12. I am able to admit it when I feel angry rather than denying my angry feelings.

Satisfactory

13. I understand the emotional blocks that have kept me from expressing anger in a positive manner.

Satisfactory

14. I am able to express my anger constructively rather than venting it inappropriately.

Needs improvement.....some days are better than others.

15. I am reaching a stage of forgiveness rather than remaining angry.

Unsatisfactory.

Time to ramble......

We've had the keys to the new place for a few days now and are submerged in packing hell. It's been a roller coaster of emotions. I hate moving. I always seem to move in the frickin' summer in Arizona's 110+ heat. Then there is the fact that I am leaving the home that I have lived in for the past 5 years. I am as sad about it as I am excited about it, though, I suppose. I do know that there is such room for growth with this new beginning. I'm ready for new.

"MOVE FORWARD" is the saying that Justin and I say to one another every time we get hung up on something. It holds special powers for us. After one intense and ridiculous fight about God knows what on Monday (if I recall it was something about calling a "rug" a "carpet" -- I'm not kidding), we decided that we simply were going to make a decision to stop making each other miserable, and in turn making our own lives equally as miserable. We both love each other and want to be with one another. We are moving into a new home together. The boys are really excited about the new house and the community pool. This is really going to be OUR home. He didn't just "move in with us". And that is really very exciting. So yes, it's true. This is definitely a MOVE FORWARD. And it was as simple as an attitude adjustment. Things began to fall into place.

Anyway, so Tuesday comes and the song that wakes us up on the alarm is one that we promised each other that if it ever wakes us up, we'll call into work and spend the day intertwined in each other's naked bodies emerging only for food and to use the restroom....well.... it's on the radio... and Justin busts out in perfect country tune...

"You don't have to go now honey
Call and tell them you won't be in today
Baby there ain't nothing
At the office so important it can't wait
I'm thankful for the weekend
But 2 days in heaven just ain't gonna do
This is going to take forever darling,
Girl I just got started loving you

What's the point in fighting what we're feeling
We both know we'll never win
Ain't this what we're missing
Lets just stop all this resisting and give in
Let me wrap my arms around you
You know you don't want to leave this room
Come back and let me hold you darling,
Girl I just got started loving you

What can I say I've never felt this way
Girl you're like a dream come true
After all the love we've made
It sure would be a shame
If we let this moment end so soon
So won't you lay back down beside me girl
Just like I know you want to
Trust me when I tell you darling,
Girl I just got started loving you

What can I say I've never felt this way
Girl you're like a dream come true
After all the love we've made
It sure would be a shame
If we let this moment end so soon

I'm thankful for the weekend
But 2 days in heaven just ain't gonna do
This is going to take forever darling,
Girl I just got started loving you.
Come back and let me hold you
girl i just got started loving you

...and we start Tuesday in a fit of loving laughter. What a beautiful way to wake up. Well, unfortunately, our responsible and broke alter egos took over and we both parted ways to go on to work. We told each other that "when the money's in the bank" we will always stick to that plan.

The whole day had a different feel to it. It's kind of the "Secret" mantra. We put our positive energy into the universe and I literally felt a warmth of "it's going to be okay" come over me. I must say, I got home so very excited to see my boyfriend and head to our new home. When I walked in the door Justin was beaming. Turns out that the Army came thru and got my boy service connected for the rest of his life. The REST OF HIS LIFE. What does that mean, you may ask? Well, it means that Justin is going to be able to get the medical attention he needs and deserves at no cost. It means that we are going to be just fine....better than fine. There is a monetary monthly award as well as every kind of insurance that he will ever need. But what's also so very exciting -- is that they are back dating it to his discharge date -- which was LAST Jan...so in a couple weeks, we will be OUT OF DEBT. Justin, as well as many military men and women (their families too) did a great service for our country. He came out of it a very changed man and has issues to deal with because of it. (I have trouble calling him disabled). Well, our country proves to be great -- and is acknowledging Justin, thanking him, and helping him for helping Her.

And it shouldn't go without saying that next time that song wakes us up....we're calling in and sticking to the original plan.

Pieces...falling....into.....place....












and, I'm all mushy inside....

"One step back does not mean defeated. It just means that you will take the same step forward again but wiser."
~Jossie Estrella

Happy Fourth of July!!

This blog of mine has changed substantially since I began it. It's interesting to go back to years prior. Last fourth of July...sigh. My dad was still alive, although not feeling well. We almost started their house on fire. It's kind of funny now, but most certainly wasn't at the time. Joel and I had just finished the marriage retreat where ultimately I decided our relationship was over. (Gosh, that was only a year ago?!) That evening -- well -- suffice to say, this year is 100% better in that realm. So I grow....

I know that this blog is deep -- often depressing, as of late. I am learning and writing helps me. But for today, I want to show who I really am because 90% of the time, I am really happy. I am so grateful for the blessings life has given me lately. I've received such grace the last month or so. I suppose that comes with the acceptance of where I am, what I'm doing and what I am headed towards.

Yesterday, I worked all day. For those of you that don't know, I work in the hospital. I work 3 12.5 hour shifts. During those shifts you really get to know your patients and their families at some often dire times. It's really neat. We have a "comment" wall in our hallway. I, by far, am best represented on that board. Apparently, my patients think that I am doing my job very well. I have an ability to adapt to different people - some may call it the Kealy gift of bullshit - but I've always been honored to have it. I'm very proud of my work. I also was approached by my director about cross training as the HUS on our floor. I'm very excited about that as I will learn yet another major part of the hospital world, dealing with the doctors, orders, labs, etc. She went on and on about how bright I am and how lucky Banner is to have me. They are going to work with my schedule when school starts and that they will do anything to keep me. I'm going to be uber busy. Busy for me is good.

So today, we all have the day off to celebrate this fantastic (although in big trouble) country of ours. Justin, the boys and I are headed to my mom's for yet another Fourth of July in the pool. He wasn't allowed there last year. We are going to be hanging out with my brother, Rick and Cliff (also not allowed there last year). So very much has changed in the past year and my family has all grown together...and on mornings like this, when my world feels calm and my children climb on me to get love and tell me how much they love me - when my boyfriend reaches across the bed and tells me that I'm beautiful - when on the horizon is a move into a great house and a future in a great and honorable line of work -- it all makes SENSE to me.

It's actually starting to make sense.

Rebuilding -- ?s on Grief

1. I have given myself permission to grieve if I need to.

Satisfactory -- although I don't let myself dwell on it anymore. I've noticed that I literally can talk myself out of falling into the black hole of depression

2. I am not burying the grief sadness but am trying to express it.

Satisfactory -- like I said, sometimes I just need to pull it into check though.

3. I now have physical and emotional energy from morning until night.

Satisfactory

4. I have stopped feeling depressed most of the time.

Satisfactory

5. I have no trouble concentrating.

Satisfactory

6. I no longer feel like crying most of the time.

Satisfactory -- but that said, there are still things that when I talk about them, or think about them (J) still can (O) make me (E) cry my eyes out (L).

7. I have overcome the feeling that I am in a daze.

Satisfactory

8. My emotions and moods are back in my control.

Satisfactory -- I'm beginning to notice that I may be a bit of a control freak which is why I felt SO BAD for SO LONG.

9. I have no trouble going to sleep and sleeping all night long.

Needs Improvement. I have no problem falling asleep -- but I haven't remained asleep all night -- for at least 2 years.

10. I rarely sigh now.

I haven't paid attention really until today -- but I'd have to say I NEED IMPROVEMENT there...who knew that sighing really is "an indication to others that the person is grieving a great deal. Not only does the sigh itself release body tension, but also the deep breathing of the sigh seems to carry feelings from the gut that need release." (pg. 101)

11. I notice my body weight has stabilized.

Satisfactory -- to my dissatisfaction. LOL

12. My appetite is good.

Unsatisfactory -- really not so much.

13. I no longer feel mechanical in my daily living habits.

Needs Improvement

14. I have outgrown the feeling that I am losing my mind.

Needs Improvement

15. I have stopped talking continuously about my crisis.

Needs improvement. I don't talk to anyone and everyone about it like I use to -- I suppose I was looking for empathy, sympathy, or else validation. But there are certain people that I talk about it with probably too much (Kerry, Justin, Becky, Deb, Robin, Joy) but I need that release too.

16. I have no thoughts of attempting suicide.

Um, I don't know how to answer this. When Justin had his run in with the law a month and a half ago I fell hard. I got in a fight with my mom -- and just felt like I had no one. I didn't have the boys and Joel was being an ass and not even letting me talk to them on the phone -- I drank far too much. I wrote letters to my mom, my sister, Joel and my boys.... it seemed like a good idea at the time... but Kerry came over.... we talked, I sobered up...and I realize that was really really stupid (big sigh here....) but I won't go there again.....to any place of it....

17. I have no more lump in my throat.

Unsatisfactory

18. My stomach feels relaxed and at ease.

Unsatisfactory

19. I am beginning to be emotionally close to people again.

Satisfactory

20. I feel emotionally alive rather than emotionally dead.

Satisfactory

21. I understand the grief process.

Satisfactory. I've taken far too many Sociology and Family studies classes to not understand Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. You know....denial, anger, bargaining, letting go, and acceptance.

22. I have identified which of the five stages of grief I am in.

Satisfactory. When it comes to the divorce and my dad's death I am "letting go." When it comes to my friends -- in particular Jen being with Joel -- I am angry...angry...angry...angry

23. I have identified any past grief that I have not experienced and worked through.

Unsatisfactory. All my grief that I have to deal with hit at once. I don't have any unresolved sadness or pain from my past. I use to. I use to think about an old boyfriend all the time. But since then we've hung out -- we've talked -- we've even gone on a couple dates post-divorce and I was really able to let that all go and walk away.

24. I have identified what I need to grieve (person, relationship, future).

Satisfactory. Oh yes. Joel. Divorce. Dad. Friendship loss. Life status. Personal identity.

25. I am comfortable talking about my feelings of grief with a friend.

Satisfactory. The few I named above -- especially my sister and Justin. Justin is great -- my boyfriend, yet really looks at things as my "friend." It's an interesting dichotomy. But I thank God daily -- actually more than daily -- for my sister, Kerry. I love you.

26. I have written a letter of good-bye to the loss I am experiencing now.

Satisfactory...and maybe at some point I'll write another to my dad (sigh, gulp) and another to my "friends" especially J Ho. (sigh, gulp, sigh sigh)

Dane Patrick -- my EIGHT year old....

Rebuilding -- Grief

In the words of Charlie himself...

"Good Grief"



That was another trying chapter. It's taken me a few days to deal with it. I am fully entrenched in the grief stage of moving on...from so many things -- my dad, my house, my divorce, my friends. I am a smart woman; I know that grief is healthy and necessary. It just doesn't make it easier. The book suggested writing a good bye letter....so by following their outline, I'll try...

Goodbye. Goodbye to you Joel David,

Goodbye to the man you use to be. Goodbye to the man I dreamed you would become. Goodbye to the person that I use to be. Goodbye to the person I really thought I'd morph into. Goodbye to the friends that thought they knew me. Goodbye to the support I thought I had. Goodbye to the man that I thought I would grow old with. Goodbye to the dream that went along with being married to you. Goodbye to my financial support. Goodbye to simply fitting in -- married with kids. Goodbye to our future. Goodbye to comfort and support. Goodbye to "hubba hubba." Goodbye to "loving you with all of me." Goodbye to our home. Goodbye to the happy memories of finding this house -- thinking about how we were going to make it ours and spend years and years full of love in it. Goodbye to the stones that we made as a family -- all our names and handprints etched in the concrete. Goodbye to the memories of the vacations we had and longed to have again. Goodbye to my wedding ring. Goodbye to all that potential we had. Goodbye to the safety and confience I felt being "your wife" Good bye to the well defined roles we had and knowing what was expected of me. Goodbye to being there 100% for our children. Goodbye to being "room mom" or on the PLT board and goodbye to being a stay at home mother.

I've wanted so badly to say goodbye. To let go of you. To push you swiftly and completely from my life as you have done with me.

What is it that I've been holding onto?

Promises

The good old "as soon as we" promises...

...graduate....
...move...
...get married....
...buy a house...
...get better jobs...
...get away from your family...
...have children....
...have our 10th anniversary...
...travel...
...make more money...
...get past this next year...
...graduate nursing school...

(funny how they have changed to "as soon as I" promises....)

I loved you because you were a good, decent man who was the father of my children and provider. I loved you because we loved all the same things. I loved that we both loved the Packers and that I talked you into loving Harley Davidson's and now you are passionate about them. I loved you because we fell in love so young and grew up together. I loved you because you loved me. I loved you because you were always there. I loved you because you made me laugh. I loved you because I needed you and you made me feel needed.

I guess I've already said goodbye in more ways than I would have thought possible. You have been gone for a year and a half. Today, on our son's birthday, I remember one year ago is when I walked out of the retreat and we've never looked back. And today, I signed over our home that we built a life in to you and your new family. If you would have told me then that you would be moving into our home with her -- and I'd still be with Justin and we would be moving out-- and that my dad would be dead - all within a year - I would have NEVER believed it. I am not saying that I am less of a person that I was back then, I am simply saying that I am not 100% and I'm trying to say goodbye to my need for your credibility stamp on those feelings in order to make the valid. I'm trying to say goodbye to the role you took in my life -- the person that made it all okay. Goodbye to you. Goodbye to running ideas or thoughts by you for your opinions. Goodbye.

The last goodbyes are the positive ones. For they are goodbyes to the negatives....pesty dislikes (cause I always seem to romanticize the past)

Goodbye to the feelings of belittlement and feeling stuck.
Goodbye to letting you pull back and retreat.
Goodbye to the disgust you showed to our children simply for being kids.
Goodbye to the picky little dislikes: your bad breath, balding head, hairy back, fiber pills, allergy pills, your short and fat big toe.
Goodbye to your maritinis with garlic stuffed olives or moreso mushrooms.
Goodbye to your family. Goodbye to your weakness when it comes to them. Goodbye to taking care of your heart when they let you down yet again or judged you or called you a bad man.
Goodbye to your greed. Goodbye to new cars every year and new gadgets even more often than that.
Goodbye to your monetary fascination but ultimate lack of drive.
Goodbye to you always having everything handed to you.
Goodbye to your lack of creativity, your lack of appreciation and your lack of sensitivity.
Goodbye to your opinions on my friends -- especially when they were far from the truth (I still agree that your boyfriend is manly, has a large ass and zero morals -- yep, i'll give you that).
Goodbye to caring that my family still works with you, when they think you are worthless.

Goodbye to feeling guilty of getting angry and showing it, feeling embarrasseed for being silly, feeling ashamed that I still feel so strongly about you -- about the decisions you made. Goodbye to the saddness and self doubt that you continue to bring to my life.

Goodbye

_____________________________________________________________________________

I can't do the questions thru the tears right now -- check back later, if you'd like....