Saturday, June 28, 2008
I love Arizona....
a fantastically beautiful heavenly day -- girlfriends, cold beer, cold water -- we solved all the problems of the world...thank you, Deb....thank you, Kerry....I needed that and love you to pieces.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Rebuilding -- Guilt/Rejection
In therapy the other day, we talked a lot about guilt and rejection. And then, ironically, this morning when I had a free minute and picked up the book, I literally laughed when I saw the name of the chapter. This chapter talks a lot about which role you play -- the dumper or the dumpee. I was having a hard time deciding which I was. I know that I originally told Joel I was moving forward without him. I wanted to pursue my friendship/attraction to Justin. I was open and honest with him from the very beginning. "Goodbye, I'm moving on." But, why do I feel like I was ultimately dumped? I feel like I came back -- I broke things off with Justin -- I was able to forgive what Joel was doing -- we went to counseling -- we went to the retreat -- but he wouldn't give -- he was cold as ice -- distant -- he had no love left for me. It was over.
Dumper? Dumpee? I couldn't identify....
Then, right there in black and white, it read, "Another important phenomenon in the dumper-dumpee relationship is the pain cycle. The dumper is not hurting as much when the relationship ends (months, even years before the event, the dumper is dealing with the pain of the relationship loss), but the dumpee's pain is great and motivates rapid growth and adjustment. When the dumpee is reaching a good emotional adjustment, the dumper frequently comes back and begins talking about a reconciliation. This really blows the dumpee away."...."The typical dumpee reaction is not to take the dumper back"... "At this point the dumper usually gets dumped"
There you have it -- I'm both the dumper and dumpee.... such the over-achiever -- go big or go home. Ugh.
1. I am no longer overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and/or rejection
Unsatisfactory
2. I can accept that I was a dumper or a dumpee or that we made a mutual decision.
Satisfactory (although foggy)
3. I have thought about whether I was a good/bad dumper/dumpee
Satisfactory. I believe that I fought hard for our relationship, forgiving his short comings and infidelities, but when it all came to a boil, I wasn't very good at anything I did to Joel. Or, to myself. Or, to my children.
4. I can accept that being a dumper may not necessarily mean one should feel guilty.
Unsatisfactory -- if kids are involved -- you deserve to feel every ounce of pain
5. I can accept that being a dumpee may not necessary mean one should feel rejected and unlovable.
Needs improvement. I feel very rejected. I feel very sad. I do, however, believe that I am lovable and deserving of a good love.
6. I am aware of the differences in feelings and behavior between dumpers and dumpees.
Satisfactory -- playing both roles helps out here
7. I realize that both dumpers and dumpees feel emotional pain even though it may differ in timing and intensity.
Satisfactory -- and longevity.
8. I understand that in some areas I was a dumper and in other areas I was a dumpee, since this is typical of most relationships.
Satisfactory. duh.
9. I understand the concept of dumper/dumpee is most meaningful at the the point of separation; as I grow it becomes less and less important.
Satisfactory. It all just sucks and hurts the same.
10. I have looked at my life patterns to see if rejection or guilt feelings have controlled much of my behavior.
Well, I JUST did - so satisfactory. I've oddly enough never been dumped before??....maybe that is why this is so foreign to me. I've always been the one that ended the relationship....hmmmmm
11. I am working to overcome the influence of rejection and guilt in my life.
Satisfactory...working on it.....yep, working on it.
Dumper? Dumpee? I couldn't identify....
Then, right there in black and white, it read, "Another important phenomenon in the dumper-dumpee relationship is the pain cycle. The dumper is not hurting as much when the relationship ends (months, even years before the event, the dumper is dealing with the pain of the relationship loss), but the dumpee's pain is great and motivates rapid growth and adjustment. When the dumpee is reaching a good emotional adjustment, the dumper frequently comes back and begins talking about a reconciliation. This really blows the dumpee away."...."The typical dumpee reaction is not to take the dumper back"... "At this point the dumper usually gets dumped"
There you have it -- I'm both the dumper and dumpee.... such the over-achiever -- go big or go home. Ugh.
1. I am no longer overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and/or rejection
Unsatisfactory
2. I can accept that I was a dumper or a dumpee or that we made a mutual decision.
Satisfactory (although foggy)
3. I have thought about whether I was a good/bad dumper/dumpee
Satisfactory. I believe that I fought hard for our relationship, forgiving his short comings and infidelities, but when it all came to a boil, I wasn't very good at anything I did to Joel. Or, to myself. Or, to my children.
4. I can accept that being a dumper may not necessarily mean one should feel guilty.
Unsatisfactory -- if kids are involved -- you deserve to feel every ounce of pain
5. I can accept that being a dumpee may not necessary mean one should feel rejected and unlovable.
Needs improvement. I feel very rejected. I feel very sad. I do, however, believe that I am lovable and deserving of a good love.
6. I am aware of the differences in feelings and behavior between dumpers and dumpees.
Satisfactory -- playing both roles helps out here
7. I realize that both dumpers and dumpees feel emotional pain even though it may differ in timing and intensity.
Satisfactory -- and longevity.
8. I understand that in some areas I was a dumper and in other areas I was a dumpee, since this is typical of most relationships.
Satisfactory. duh.
9. I understand the concept of dumper/dumpee is most meaningful at the the point of separation; as I grow it becomes less and less important.
Satisfactory. It all just sucks and hurts the same.
10. I have looked at my life patterns to see if rejection or guilt feelings have controlled much of my behavior.
Well, I JUST did - so satisfactory. I've oddly enough never been dumped before??....maybe that is why this is so foreign to me. I've always been the one that ended the relationship....hmmmmm
11. I am working to overcome the influence of rejection and guilt in my life.
Satisfactory...working on it.....yep, working on it.
Monday, June 23, 2008
I'm really struggling with being a better person...
a wise person once said "divorce can make you a better person -- or a bitter person." Right at this moment, I'm fading towards the bitter side. Joel just told me that he wants to do a walk thru of the house on Wednesday -- no, correction, "we want to do a walk thru". I am absolutely apalled that (s)HE would want to step foot in my house at ALL much less move into it -- and even more come "walk thru" when I my children and I are sitting there. Everytime I see her face, I want to punch it. I want to pull the knife out of my back and simply throw up. I don't understand it. I've sat in that very kitchen sobbing with her about how difficult it was going to be leaving Joel -- and she pushed "you will be happier,Kristen". We hung out all the time -- she was my goto divorce pro. She was Justin's biggest advocate. "Do what makes you happy" "Get a restraining order on Joel" "Use my divorce attorney" "Let's go out and find some new guys" She was the one that hooked up with anyone who was taken -- I should have known. She was the one that constantly told me to look elsewhere -- find someone who would make me happy....
...do you think she was interested in Joel the whole time?
But that said, he was so not interested in her. He use to say the ugliest things about her. He always called her a slut -- with a big ass....LOL He was right too. He was afraid of me going out with her because she had no morals. She would just find someone to make her life comfortable -- someone to take care of her and her boys (cause her first two husbands didn't do it) He said that she was manly -- which cracks me up -- cause that's the first thing that gets under his skin. (reality...reality).
They spent the weekend up at my family cabin -- yet again... how ridiculously pathetic. And for some reason they think it's OKAY to take down all my family pictures... Guess it's easier to sleep at night -- or **** -- without my family portraits staring at you?
A weak moment for me today -- I can't even IMAGINE feeling good about what they are doing -- to me -- to the boys. I can fake it and talk myself out of it most of the time. But this is just disgusting.
...do you think she was interested in Joel the whole time?
But that said, he was so not interested in her. He use to say the ugliest things about her. He always called her a slut -- with a big ass....LOL He was right too. He was afraid of me going out with her because she had no morals. She would just find someone to make her life comfortable -- someone to take care of her and her boys (cause her first two husbands didn't do it) He said that she was manly -- which cracks me up -- cause that's the first thing that gets under his skin. (reality...reality).
They spent the weekend up at my family cabin -- yet again... how ridiculously pathetic. And for some reason they think it's OKAY to take down all my family pictures... Guess it's easier to sleep at night -- or **** -- without my family portraits staring at you?
A weak moment for me today -- I can't even IMAGINE feeling good about what they are doing -- to me -- to the boys. I can fake it and talk myself out of it most of the time. But this is just disgusting.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Rebuilding -- Friendship
I was so scared to read this chapter -- because quite frankly, it's very painful for me to discuss.
When I was married, Joel and I had a large circle of friends...
It's interesting, however, looking back at now -- when we were happiest as a couple was when we really didn't need the friendships as much. The times when Joel called in the "family weekends" or "family trips" where we didn't talk to anyone but each other...
Hmmm, maybe I should restate the beginning....
Towards the end of our marriage, when things were rocky already, Joel and I became part of a large circle of friends... Some of these friends I had known virtually my entire life, however, Joel was just "allowed" to break in to the guy group. We were always out with our friends -- and frequently hosted parties, BBQs, get togethers. I was part of a Bunco group; Joel played poker. It was fun and yet quite superficial. My marriage was never perfect -- however, perhaps due to their faults or ours, our group of friends thought we were. When it all came to a head, I truly believe it rocked everyone for different reasons. I don't claim to know what they are -- (although I'm sure anonymous posts will enlighten me) -- I was left to wonder "Where has everyone gone?"
I am very saddened by the lack of unconditional love and support by a few of my girlfriends (again that I have known literally 25+). This chapter offered several reasons why they walked away. I suppose it doesn't really matter where they have gone or why. What matters is that I need to grow new friendships and continue to honor and respect the friends that are walking this walk with me. What that says about their character!!! And, so I have to branch out -- and try hard not to look back and ache again. It's been said that people come into your life for a reason and a season -- and change is ever happening, so I will work to embrace it. I need to learn to not be afraid. I need to learn to risk love and friendship again. I simply need to.
1. I am relating with friends in many new ways since my crisis.
Oh absolutely satisfactory. Everything about me has changed therefore every relationship I have had has too. Some decided to learn to get to know me again and love me for who I am and accept the faults I've made, and others haven't. As for my new friendships, it's refreshing and fun to allow them to know the person I am now. I am divorced. I have two children. I am independent and gaining strength. I am finding my way. I am damaged, perhaps, but still fun...and funny...and worth getting to know.
2. I have at least one life-line friend of the same sex.
Satisfactory.
Kerry. Joy. Robin. Cassidy. Heather. Gina. Becky. Amy. Debbie.
3. I have at least one life-line friend of the opposite sex.
Satisfactory.
Billy. Mike. (and via email, thank you, Darrell)
4. I am satisfied with my present social relationships.
Needs improvement. I'm working on it.
5. I have close friends who know and understand me.
Satisfactory.
6. People seem to enjoy being with me.
Satisfactory. People are still drawn to me, I still have it. LOL
7. I have both single and married friends.
Satisfactory.
8. I have discussed ideas from this book with an important friend.
Satisfactory.
Gina.
Well, and YOU.... if you are reading this blog....unless, well, you are pathetically reading this in an attempt to tell me yet again that you don't care about my life, yet continue to read about it. :-)
9. I communicate frequently about important concerns with a close friend.
Satisfactory.
Kerry.
When I was married, Joel and I had a large circle of friends...
It's interesting, however, looking back at now -- when we were happiest as a couple was when we really didn't need the friendships as much. The times when Joel called in the "family weekends" or "family trips" where we didn't talk to anyone but each other...
Hmmm, maybe I should restate the beginning....
Towards the end of our marriage, when things were rocky already, Joel and I became part of a large circle of friends... Some of these friends I had known virtually my entire life, however, Joel was just "allowed" to break in to the guy group. We were always out with our friends -- and frequently hosted parties, BBQs, get togethers. I was part of a Bunco group; Joel played poker. It was fun and yet quite superficial. My marriage was never perfect -- however, perhaps due to their faults or ours, our group of friends thought we were. When it all came to a head, I truly believe it rocked everyone for different reasons. I don't claim to know what they are -- (although I'm sure anonymous posts will enlighten me) -- I was left to wonder "Where has everyone gone?"
I am very saddened by the lack of unconditional love and support by a few of my girlfriends (again that I have known literally 25+). This chapter offered several reasons why they walked away. I suppose it doesn't really matter where they have gone or why. What matters is that I need to grow new friendships and continue to honor and respect the friends that are walking this walk with me. What that says about their character!!! And, so I have to branch out -- and try hard not to look back and ache again. It's been said that people come into your life for a reason and a season -- and change is ever happening, so I will work to embrace it. I need to learn to not be afraid. I need to learn to risk love and friendship again. I simply need to.
1. I am relating with friends in many new ways since my crisis.
Oh absolutely satisfactory. Everything about me has changed therefore every relationship I have had has too. Some decided to learn to get to know me again and love me for who I am and accept the faults I've made, and others haven't. As for my new friendships, it's refreshing and fun to allow them to know the person I am now. I am divorced. I have two children. I am independent and gaining strength. I am finding my way. I am damaged, perhaps, but still fun...and funny...and worth getting to know.
2. I have at least one life-line friend of the same sex.
Satisfactory.
Kerry. Joy. Robin. Cassidy. Heather. Gina. Becky. Amy. Debbie.
3. I have at least one life-line friend of the opposite sex.
Satisfactory.
Billy. Mike. (and via email, thank you, Darrell)
4. I am satisfied with my present social relationships.
Needs improvement. I'm working on it.
5. I have close friends who know and understand me.
Satisfactory.
6. People seem to enjoy being with me.
Satisfactory. People are still drawn to me, I still have it. LOL
7. I have both single and married friends.
Satisfactory.
8. I have discussed ideas from this book with an important friend.
Satisfactory.
Gina.
Well, and YOU.... if you are reading this blog....unless, well, you are pathetically reading this in an attempt to tell me yet again that you don't care about my life, yet continue to read about it. :-)
9. I communicate frequently about important concerns with a close friend.
Satisfactory.
Kerry.
The Perfect Heart
(This was the first thing that I read this morning. It was a very poignant read for me today -- for so many reasons. Today, is my dad's birthday and I grieve...I, also grieve for my mom today and am so saddened that she is without her soul mate. I grieve for all my losses, so many to name.... yet I rejoice that I ever HAD those relationships, people and things -- all of them -- in my life. I have been so blessed in my 33 years and believe in my heart that I will continue to be. After all, it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all, right? Anyway, please enjoy....)
One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen.
The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.
Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine."
The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.
The people stared -- how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought?
The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears." "Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you.
You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me.
These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"
The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges.
The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.
How sad it must be to go through life with a whole heart...
One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen.
The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.
Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine."
The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.
The people stared -- how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought?
The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears." "Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you.
You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me.
These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"
The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges.
The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.
How sad it must be to go through life with a whole heart...
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I am picturing living in this house....
of my own, in a new place. Making pancakes, listening to mellow music, with laundry going and the dogs resting peacefully. I hear the boys in the background laughing belly laughs, taking peaceful turns at the game they are making up. I imagine paying my bills with room to spare in my bank account. I feel inner peace and happiness at my new start....
Cross your fingers -- apparently I'm not the only one with that picture in their head...
Cross your fingers -- apparently I'm not the only one with that picture in their head...
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Has anyone read the Secret?
I never really believed in it -- sure it was a cool idea that I wished were true. I mean if I wake up every morning and visualize my bank account with millions, I would love for money to miraculously appear, but reality proves otherwise. The other day when I was watching Oprah they were talking about The Secret again...and I had to watch. I figured I'd start acknowledging the book. I bought that book for a dear friend of mine at the time. She was in as much deep need of some spiritual guidance and support as I was. She had experienced a parental loss like mine, was stuck in a doomed relationship with little education and a job record that would make most employers laugh. We talked so much about how we both needed to stand on our own two feet. I hoped the book could give us both some insight.
Since that time, I have taken steps to change my life and change is occurring all around me. I dreamed of returning to nursing to school to achieve my dream job in nursing -- and as I sit, I am fulfilling that dream with nothing but my own sweat, hard work and tears to credit. I wanted a time of financial independence from anyone other than myself and while I have $143 a month in child support (for both boys) until Cole is 18 -- and I do recieve alimony until 2010, I am going to be able to do it on my own eventually. (I am grateful for Joel's support, I do not, in any way wish to sound any different) But, I longed of a better time. Here I sit on the cusp of a better time. I wished to be surrounded by the non judgmental, and when I really look past the hurt of late, I realize, I am actually succeeding in that.
Some of you have been asking me why I have kept my journal public. I am doing it because each time I hear negativity about my own thoughts and my own life, it actually is helping me gain strength. I know that the things that made me sad about the changes in my life have actually proved to be just what the doctor ordered. A funny ironic note, I got another nasty email regarding my life from someone who clearly has as much knowledge as he has the ability to spell check or have his girlfriend check his grammar. It is so powerful to me. I can't quite understand why someone who apparently has so much disrespect for me reads my blog perhaps as my most faithful reader.
So in light of The Secret -- thank you. Thank you for showing me that I am on the right path. A path of healing and strength. Thank you for showing me that the life I had wasn't all that Joel and I faked it to be. Thank you for having me acknowledge that the life we had was far better when we focused on the two of us and didn't worry about entertaining our friends. Thank you for the lesson that you have taught me and continue to show me because it could easily save my relationships in the future. Your ugliness is a pat on the back in my growth. In the meantime, I'll keep my blog public because maybe someone needs to read it as much as I need to journal it-- That maybe someone will change their meanness -- or reevaluate their life or their relationship -- maybe someone will even avoid losing their relationship and maybe, just maybe, we will all become better people by it.
And that, folks, just might be the secret.
Since that time, I have taken steps to change my life and change is occurring all around me. I dreamed of returning to nursing to school to achieve my dream job in nursing -- and as I sit, I am fulfilling that dream with nothing but my own sweat, hard work and tears to credit. I wanted a time of financial independence from anyone other than myself and while I have $143 a month in child support (for both boys) until Cole is 18 -- and I do recieve alimony until 2010, I am going to be able to do it on my own eventually. (I am grateful for Joel's support, I do not, in any way wish to sound any different) But, I longed of a better time. Here I sit on the cusp of a better time. I wished to be surrounded by the non judgmental, and when I really look past the hurt of late, I realize, I am actually succeeding in that.
Some of you have been asking me why I have kept my journal public. I am doing it because each time I hear negativity about my own thoughts and my own life, it actually is helping me gain strength. I know that the things that made me sad about the changes in my life have actually proved to be just what the doctor ordered. A funny ironic note, I got another nasty email regarding my life from someone who clearly has as much knowledge as he has the ability to spell check or have his girlfriend check his grammar. It is so powerful to me. I can't quite understand why someone who apparently has so much disrespect for me reads my blog perhaps as my most faithful reader.
So in light of The Secret -- thank you. Thank you for showing me that I am on the right path. A path of healing and strength. Thank you for showing me that the life I had wasn't all that Joel and I faked it to be. Thank you for having me acknowledge that the life we had was far better when we focused on the two of us and didn't worry about entertaining our friends. Thank you for the lesson that you have taught me and continue to show me because it could easily save my relationships in the future. Your ugliness is a pat on the back in my growth. In the meantime, I'll keep my blog public because maybe someone needs to read it as much as I need to journal it-- That maybe someone will change their meanness -- or reevaluate their life or their relationship -- maybe someone will even avoid losing their relationship and maybe, just maybe, we will all become better people by it.
And that, folks, just might be the secret.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Rebuilding -- Loneliness
I'm choosing to wake up and be happy today -- I am of the thinking that if you wish something enough, perhaps it will come true.
Surprisingly, I had a really great weekend. I generally have very sad weekends when Joel has the boys -- either that or I drink myself silly. I made a valiant attempt at staying sober and not sad. I was 50% successful. I house hunted this weekend. You know, I was dreading it -- but it actually turned out sort of fun. There is a newness coming my direction -- a new house, even a rental, can just add to the freshness that is on my horizon. I *think* I have maybe found the place -- sending in my application today. Then there was Father's Day. *sigh* I miss my father. I miss Joel. I miss them -- I went to the store and bought both of them cards. I even hand delivered it to Joel. That was a step in the right direction. I am going to choose to honor him and respect him when the situation arises -- so with a gulp in my throat and tears in my eyes, I handed him a card thanking him for our children, acknowledged that he is a great dad and I walked away. Then, I drove to the cemetery...where I paid tribute to the greatest dad there ever was....
Today, I woke up and decided to read a chapter...it was on loneliness. Divorce is so lonely. It's just like someone waves a wand over your life and everyone changes. You change. It was an interesting read. The main point is to accept loneliness. People generally do one of two things -- they retreat inside their loneliness, thus creating even more loneliness...or they become uber busy in an attempt to not feel the loneliness. I suppose I have done both. That, and the fact that I jumped right into a relationship again.... there is some statistic out there that like 90% of relationships started within one year (ONE YEAR) of a divorce are doomed. That's depressing. Anyway, it's hard to embrace being alone. I am not sure that I ever want to. It's an interesting thought though. It's not that I don't enjoy my alone time -- it's more so that I just like to think that someone is thinking of me.
1. I am taking time for myself rather than keeping too busy.
Satisfactory -- busy is overrated
2. I am not working such long hours that I have no time for myself.
I work long hours -- but only 3 days a week -- I have plenty of time by myself.
3. I am not hiding from loneliness by being with people that I don't enjoy being with.
Satisfactory -- well unless you count Justin -- but I really do enjoy being with him -- although he does make it easy to avoid loneliness.... maybe I need improvement....
4. I have begun to fill up my time with activities important to me.
Needs improvement
5. I have stopped hiding and withdrawing into my home
Needs improvement
6. I have stopped trying to find another love relationship just to avoid being lonely
Unsatisfactory
7. I am content doing activities by myself
Satisfactory
8. I have stopped running from loneliness
Needs improvement
9. I am not letting the feelings of loneliness control my behavior.
Needs improvement
10. I am comfortable being alone and having aloneness time.
Needs improvement
Surprisingly, I had a really great weekend. I generally have very sad weekends when Joel has the boys -- either that or I drink myself silly. I made a valiant attempt at staying sober and not sad. I was 50% successful. I house hunted this weekend. You know, I was dreading it -- but it actually turned out sort of fun. There is a newness coming my direction -- a new house, even a rental, can just add to the freshness that is on my horizon. I *think* I have maybe found the place -- sending in my application today. Then there was Father's Day. *sigh* I miss my father. I miss Joel. I miss them -- I went to the store and bought both of them cards. I even hand delivered it to Joel. That was a step in the right direction. I am going to choose to honor him and respect him when the situation arises -- so with a gulp in my throat and tears in my eyes, I handed him a card thanking him for our children, acknowledged that he is a great dad and I walked away. Then, I drove to the cemetery...where I paid tribute to the greatest dad there ever was....
Today, I woke up and decided to read a chapter...it was on loneliness. Divorce is so lonely. It's just like someone waves a wand over your life and everyone changes. You change. It was an interesting read. The main point is to accept loneliness. People generally do one of two things -- they retreat inside their loneliness, thus creating even more loneliness...or they become uber busy in an attempt to not feel the loneliness. I suppose I have done both. That, and the fact that I jumped right into a relationship again.... there is some statistic out there that like 90% of relationships started within one year (ONE YEAR) of a divorce are doomed. That's depressing. Anyway, it's hard to embrace being alone. I am not sure that I ever want to. It's an interesting thought though. It's not that I don't enjoy my alone time -- it's more so that I just like to think that someone is thinking of me.
1. I am taking time for myself rather than keeping too busy.
Satisfactory -- busy is overrated
2. I am not working such long hours that I have no time for myself.
I work long hours -- but only 3 days a week -- I have plenty of time by myself.
3. I am not hiding from loneliness by being with people that I don't enjoy being with.
Satisfactory -- well unless you count Justin -- but I really do enjoy being with him -- although he does make it easy to avoid loneliness.... maybe I need improvement....
4. I have begun to fill up my time with activities important to me.
Needs improvement
5. I have stopped hiding and withdrawing into my home
Needs improvement
6. I have stopped trying to find another love relationship just to avoid being lonely
Unsatisfactory
7. I am content doing activities by myself
Satisfactory
8. I have stopped running from loneliness
Needs improvement
9. I am not letting the feelings of loneliness control my behavior.
Needs improvement
10. I am comfortable being alone and having aloneness time.
Needs improvement
Saturday, June 14, 2008
So I've decided I'm going to move.....and they are moving in here....
I distinctively remember 3 years ago -- sitting with Jen and she was complaining about her life. That her boyfriend beat her up while driving -- (and then she later married him, and divorced him -- 2nd divorce...) but anyway -- at the time she said, "I just wish I had your life, it's so good".....
And there you have it folks...she now has my husband, my house and my kids half the time...they got the exact same dog that we had...they go up to my family cabin...he works with my brothers, she works with my sister....
Good for you man-Jen -- you are a success...
funny thing is -- clearly Joel loved me, right? cause he has just created a clone of me....
Weird science...
And there you have it folks...she now has my husband, my house and my kids half the time...they got the exact same dog that we had...they go up to my family cabin...he works with my brothers, she works with my sister....
Good for you man-Jen -- you are a success...
funny thing is -- clearly Joel loved me, right? cause he has just created a clone of me....
Weird science...
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Rebuilding -- Adaption
For the record, I'm not sure I should have picked up the book today. Joel and I are in deep discussions about the future -- the house. He proposed that he and Jen (w 4 kids in tow) move into the the house. My house. It completely bewilders me that she would even want to. She has been to this house, as MY friend, MY guest 100s of times....birthday parties, play dates, bunco, girls dinner, baby showers, etc. I don't know why it shocks me -- they have no issue going up to my family cabin or working with my brothers (him) and my sister and brother in law (her.) I just am a little grossed out by it all....
but that said....I really do think his heart is kind in this case. He is offering me a payout that will help me out tremendously. I am ridiculously broke. It also will insure that his credit doesn't take a hit if I for some reason can't pay our joint bills (for the record, I haven't missed one yet)...It also will render me homeless...and relatively soon...YIKES.... Their lease is coming up in July so they are talking about this moving FAST. I will find a place to live, sure, but I won't OWN anything. There are such pluses and minuses to that....it's terrifying. Then there are start up fees and all that stuff....but it IS a new start....and I would again be close to debt free. Ugh. I wish my dad were alive. I would like to crunch numbers with him --have a voice of reason from someone who loves me best. Heck, I just wish he were alive PERIOD....but that's a different blog for a different blog day....
Back to the book....
So I pick it up -- and read. It was an okay read. A lot of identifiers that I'm not sure that I really identify with....but more so, I was like a tick tock clock. I went back and forth between Joel and Justin -- tick, tock, tick, tock. It is becoming apparent to me that the kind of person I was in the relationship with Joel (a taker, "under-responsible" is the label the book gives) is actually the dead opposite of where I am in my relationship with Justin (I'm a definite giver, a provider, "over-responsible," motherly - take your pick). I think that is probably something that I will have to explore further in the future.
Oh, not entirely newsworthy -- but worthy of mention -- I broke off the engagement...perhaps completely broke up with Justin. I told him to find another place to live (a tad bit ironic in light of the recent "house" discussions). I know that breaking up with him is the thing to do -- (again, another blog another blog day) but I am finding out that I am ridiculously co-dependent with his cute self. I really feel like I can't do it without him and his help -- money, time, love...that and I'm fairly certain I'm addicted to him physically....there's always that....
probably what got me into this in the first place. *sigh*
OK, so ... the book....
1. I have become aware of my adaptive behavior part(s)
As I mentioned earlier -- they are different based on which relationship, but oddly direct opposite...
Needs Improvement... difficult for me to "label" myself.
2. I am committed to becoming more flexible and balanced by doing self-nurturing
Satisfactory -- although I'm not sure starting drinking by noon on my day off is what Mr. Fisher had in mind by "self-nurturing" but it works for me.
3. I have identified and completed the homework designed to help me take charge of my unhealthy adaptive behavior
Needs Improvement -- I did say NO to Justin when I normally wouldn't have regarding giving him a ride home. But the part about calling someone and asking for help -- well other than my sister (which I do that all the time with) I'm uncomfortable doing it to any of my other friends.
4. I have become aware of the feeling or feelings underneath my adaptive behavior.
Needs Improvement... I am fairly convinced fear is the ultimate feeling underneath most of my behaviors....guilt, perhaps.
5. I have made a list of healthy parts that I would like to encourage within myself.
Unsatisfactory -- I happen to think that the Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde thing that I have going on in my relationships both prove to be both positive and negative at the same time, thus cancelling each other out (read as COP OUT)
6. I have a better understanding of why my love relationship ended.
Unsatisfactory -- I'm right where I was before Chapter 4....nothing more, nothing less....
Off to crunch more numbers.
but that said....I really do think his heart is kind in this case. He is offering me a payout that will help me out tremendously. I am ridiculously broke. It also will insure that his credit doesn't take a hit if I for some reason can't pay our joint bills (for the record, I haven't missed one yet)...It also will render me homeless...and relatively soon...YIKES.... Their lease is coming up in July so they are talking about this moving FAST. I will find a place to live, sure, but I won't OWN anything. There are such pluses and minuses to that....it's terrifying. Then there are start up fees and all that stuff....but it IS a new start....and I would again be close to debt free. Ugh. I wish my dad were alive. I would like to crunch numbers with him --have a voice of reason from someone who loves me best. Heck, I just wish he were alive PERIOD....but that's a different blog for a different blog day....
Back to the book....
So I pick it up -- and read. It was an okay read. A lot of identifiers that I'm not sure that I really identify with....but more so, I was like a tick tock clock. I went back and forth between Joel and Justin -- tick, tock, tick, tock. It is becoming apparent to me that the kind of person I was in the relationship with Joel (a taker, "under-responsible" is the label the book gives) is actually the dead opposite of where I am in my relationship with Justin (I'm a definite giver, a provider, "over-responsible," motherly - take your pick). I think that is probably something that I will have to explore further in the future.
Oh, not entirely newsworthy -- but worthy of mention -- I broke off the engagement...perhaps completely broke up with Justin. I told him to find another place to live (a tad bit ironic in light of the recent "house" discussions). I know that breaking up with him is the thing to do -- (again, another blog another blog day) but I am finding out that I am ridiculously co-dependent with his cute self. I really feel like I can't do it without him and his help -- money, time, love...that and I'm fairly certain I'm addicted to him physically....there's always that....
probably what got me into this in the first place. *sigh*
OK, so ... the book....
1. I have become aware of my adaptive behavior part(s)
As I mentioned earlier -- they are different based on which relationship, but oddly direct opposite...
Needs Improvement... difficult for me to "label" myself.
2. I am committed to becoming more flexible and balanced by doing self-nurturing
Satisfactory -- although I'm not sure starting drinking by noon on my day off is what Mr. Fisher had in mind by "self-nurturing" but it works for me.
3. I have identified and completed the homework designed to help me take charge of my unhealthy adaptive behavior
Needs Improvement -- I did say NO to Justin when I normally wouldn't have regarding giving him a ride home. But the part about calling someone and asking for help -- well other than my sister (which I do that all the time with) I'm uncomfortable doing it to any of my other friends.
4. I have become aware of the feeling or feelings underneath my adaptive behavior.
Needs Improvement... I am fairly convinced fear is the ultimate feeling underneath most of my behaviors....guilt, perhaps.
5. I have made a list of healthy parts that I would like to encourage within myself.
Unsatisfactory -- I happen to think that the Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde thing that I have going on in my relationships both prove to be both positive and negative at the same time, thus cancelling each other out (read as COP OUT)
6. I have a better understanding of why my love relationship ended.
Unsatisfactory -- I'm right where I was before Chapter 4....nothing more, nothing less....
Off to crunch more numbers.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Rebuilding -- Fear
The third chapter is about dealing with fear.
Joel and I started dating in Feburary of 1994. I was 18. I was 32 when we got divorced. I didn't know how to live a life without him. I depended so greatly on him for my happiness, my safety, my security, my love, my life that I gave up so much of "me." Even the idea of getting to know "me" again scared the shit out of me, much less the knowledge that Joel would no longer be in my life. It felt, and continues to feel, like a death. I spent almost 7 years being a homemaker, raising our family and caring for others. I had the security and comfort of upper-middle class living. When I got a divorced, I had to change everything about my life which brought about a ton of fear. I had to give up having my children 100% of the time -- something that continues to destroy me. I had to support myself financially. (Truth be told though, I always thought that I would have my parents to help me if I was in a crunch...and then my dad died. His death literally paralyzed me with fear. It all seemed extremely overwhelming. I no longer had a fall back -- only the reflection in the mirror.) Fear was all around me back then-- encompassing the very core of me...now it's not quite so terrifying. I still have moments where I collapse in the unknowns, but I'm hoping with some work and some time I will get to a better place.
The Checklist:
1. I have identified and made a list of my fears
Satisfactory
Fears not yet identified can be the most powerful. Therefore, I will give my fears a name:
a. The unknown future
b. Money Trouble -- losing the house
c. The "stigma" of divorce
d. The affects the divorce has on my boys
e. Losing the kids somehow
f. Feeling crazy
g. Being angry
h. Getting hurt even more than I already have been
i. Loneliness
j. Having one more person walk away
2. I have found a friend or a helping person with whom I can share my list of fears.
Satisfactory -- thank you, Kerry, Joy, Robin and Cassidy
3. I am learning that fear can be one of my friends
Unsatisfactory -- I fear I've lost all control
4. I am changing fear from a paralyzing into a motivating feeling
Need improvement -- I don't have much of an option other than to dust off and move on -- there is no one around to do it for me (but I sure wish there was.)
5. I am learning more about myself by facing my fears directly.
Need improvement. I definitely have learned a ton about myself in the last year or so. There has been so much self evaluation and change...still so much more room for positive change though.
6. I am practicing deep relaxation regularly as a way to help deal with my fears and with everyday stress.
HAHAHAHA unsatisfactory.
Joel and I started dating in Feburary of 1994. I was 18. I was 32 when we got divorced. I didn't know how to live a life without him. I depended so greatly on him for my happiness, my safety, my security, my love, my life that I gave up so much of "me." Even the idea of getting to know "me" again scared the shit out of me, much less the knowledge that Joel would no longer be in my life. It felt, and continues to feel, like a death. I spent almost 7 years being a homemaker, raising our family and caring for others. I had the security and comfort of upper-middle class living. When I got a divorced, I had to change everything about my life which brought about a ton of fear. I had to give up having my children 100% of the time -- something that continues to destroy me. I had to support myself financially. (Truth be told though, I always thought that I would have my parents to help me if I was in a crunch...and then my dad died. His death literally paralyzed me with fear. It all seemed extremely overwhelming. I no longer had a fall back -- only the reflection in the mirror.) Fear was all around me back then-- encompassing the very core of me...now it's not quite so terrifying. I still have moments where I collapse in the unknowns, but I'm hoping with some work and some time I will get to a better place.
The Checklist:
1. I have identified and made a list of my fears
Satisfactory
Fears not yet identified can be the most powerful. Therefore, I will give my fears a name:
a. The unknown future
b. Money Trouble -- losing the house
c. The "stigma" of divorce
d. The affects the divorce has on my boys
e. Losing the kids somehow
f. Feeling crazy
g. Being angry
h. Getting hurt even more than I already have been
i. Loneliness
j. Having one more person walk away
2. I have found a friend or a helping person with whom I can share my list of fears.
Satisfactory -- thank you, Kerry, Joy, Robin and Cassidy
3. I am learning that fear can be one of my friends
Unsatisfactory -- I fear I've lost all control
4. I am changing fear from a paralyzing into a motivating feeling
Need improvement -- I don't have much of an option other than to dust off and move on -- there is no one around to do it for me (but I sure wish there was.)
5. I am learning more about myself by facing my fears directly.
Need improvement. I definitely have learned a ton about myself in the last year or so. There has been so much self evaluation and change...still so much more room for positive change though.
6. I am practicing deep relaxation regularly as a way to help deal with my fears and with everyday stress.
HAHAHAHA unsatisfactory.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
You know who you are
and I'm disgusted -- that while I've walked away from your backstabbing, gossip, evil self, you still come and read my blog and post negative messages.
Ya, you are too holy, too non judgemental....oh wait...you are OVER me, right?
But you read my "journal"
and tell me **I** need a life?
.....and further more.... after the another lovely response to my journal entry that I wrote in May that apparently hit the gossip circle yesterday (LOL), please face up to your "disgust." Why are you anonymous? Clearly, I am the author of this blog, why can't you say who you are? I also think that it's comical that you are all so upset, cause some of the people I was referring to in that journal entry I worked with and they never KNEW I even HAD a blog. I am left to wonder why you are so angry? Guilty, perhaps?
Ya, you are too holy, too non judgemental....oh wait...you are OVER me, right?
But you read my "journal"
and tell me **I** need a life?
.....and further more.... after the another lovely response to my journal entry that I wrote in May that apparently hit the gossip circle yesterday (LOL), please face up to your "disgust." Why are you anonymous? Clearly, I am the author of this blog, why can't you say who you are? I also think that it's comical that you are all so upset, cause some of the people I was referring to in that journal entry I worked with and they never KNEW I even HAD a blog. I am left to wonder why you are so angry? Guilty, perhaps?
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