Rebuilding -- Loneliness

I'm choosing to wake up and be happy today -- I am of the thinking that if you wish something enough, perhaps it will come true.

Surprisingly, I had a really great weekend. I generally have very sad weekends when Joel has the boys -- either that or I drink myself silly. I made a valiant attempt at staying sober and not sad. I was 50% successful. I house hunted this weekend. You know, I was dreading it -- but it actually turned out sort of fun. There is a newness coming my direction -- a new house, even a rental, can just add to the freshness that is on my horizon. I *think* I have maybe found the place -- sending in my application today. Then there was Father's Day. *sigh* I miss my father. I miss Joel. I miss them -- I went to the store and bought both of them cards. I even hand delivered it to Joel. That was a step in the right direction. I am going to choose to honor him and respect him when the situation arises -- so with a gulp in my throat and tears in my eyes, I handed him a card thanking him for our children, acknowledged that he is a great dad and I walked away. Then, I drove to the cemetery...where I paid tribute to the greatest dad there ever was....

Today, I woke up and decided to read a chapter...it was on loneliness. Divorce is so lonely. It's just like someone waves a wand over your life and everyone changes. You change. It was an interesting read. The main point is to accept loneliness. People generally do one of two things -- they retreat inside their loneliness, thus creating even more loneliness...or they become uber busy in an attempt to not feel the loneliness. I suppose I have done both. That, and the fact that I jumped right into a relationship again.... there is some statistic out there that like 90% of relationships started within one year (ONE YEAR) of a divorce are doomed. That's depressing. Anyway, it's hard to embrace being alone. I am not sure that I ever want to. It's an interesting thought though. It's not that I don't enjoy my alone time -- it's more so that I just like to think that someone is thinking of me.

1. I am taking time for myself rather than keeping too busy.

Satisfactory -- busy is overrated

2. I am not working such long hours that I have no time for myself.

I work long hours -- but only 3 days a week -- I have plenty of time by myself.

3. I am not hiding from loneliness by being with people that I don't enjoy being with.

Satisfactory -- well unless you count Justin -- but I really do enjoy being with him -- although he does make it easy to avoid loneliness.... maybe I need improvement....

4. I have begun to fill up my time with activities important to me.

Needs improvement

5. I have stopped hiding and withdrawing into my home

Needs improvement

6. I have stopped trying to find another love relationship just to avoid being lonely

Unsatisfactory

7. I am content doing activities by myself

Satisfactory

8. I have stopped running from loneliness

Needs improvement

9. I am not letting the feelings of loneliness control my behavior.

Needs improvement

10. I am comfortable being alone and having aloneness time.

Needs improvement