Thursday, February 25, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
The is flying...
I need to write more often. It's crazy -- I can't explain it. It's like I have all this white noise in my head and when I write things start to get quiet and I can focus. Writing helps me. It helps my psyche and truly, it makes me a better person. Calmer. Clearer. Like the seas after a storm when the sun starts to shine and you hear the birds chirp in the saltwater filled air. Ah, the beach.
I haven't been sleeping well. I'm pretty stressed out with school -- and work -- and about money -- and the boys -- and getting them where they need to be when they need to be there. I'm relatively sure that it is impossible to be in ten places at once, yet somehow I manage to somehow make it work. I have to believe this will be no different. Anway, back to my sleeping -- so last night, I finally slept well. I had an amazing dream. It was in the future -- Justin, Dane, Cole, my "daughter" (gulp) and I were planning a family trip. It was great and I woke up totally happy. Truth be told, I hadn't had a future dream that had me wake up with a smile on my face since, oh geez, 2005? That's just too sad. But last night changed.
I woke up to rain -- and a day of lecture ahead. We're studying the heart. It's a fascinating organ that scares the shit out of me. I spent 6 hours in lecture thinking about the heart and ultimately about my cousin's dad. He has had a bad heart for quite sometime. He ended up getting a heart transplant. We thought that was the end -- a happy ending to a scary story. Well, he suffered chronic rejection. He again has a bad heart -- he's been through the ringer and really living on borrowed time. I thought about what procedures he's had and what actually was wrong with his heart this time (while learning about it, never the less.) I came home to look up my cousin's number on facebook -- ends up that he went into emergency surgery and isn't doing well. He actually coded during the surgery and her family is asking for prayers. Ugh.
So, I sat at the computer -- gazed out the window at the beautiful desert rain and decided to write....
I haven't been sleeping well. I'm pretty stressed out with school -- and work -- and about money -- and the boys -- and getting them where they need to be when they need to be there. I'm relatively sure that it is impossible to be in ten places at once, yet somehow I manage to somehow make it work. I have to believe this will be no different. Anway, back to my sleeping -- so last night, I finally slept well. I had an amazing dream. It was in the future -- Justin, Dane, Cole, my "daughter" (gulp) and I were planning a family trip. It was great and I woke up totally happy. Truth be told, I hadn't had a future dream that had me wake up with a smile on my face since, oh geez, 2005? That's just too sad. But last night changed.
I woke up to rain -- and a day of lecture ahead. We're studying the heart. It's a fascinating organ that scares the shit out of me. I spent 6 hours in lecture thinking about the heart and ultimately about my cousin's dad. He has had a bad heart for quite sometime. He ended up getting a heart transplant. We thought that was the end -- a happy ending to a scary story. Well, he suffered chronic rejection. He again has a bad heart -- he's been through the ringer and really living on borrowed time. I thought about what procedures he's had and what actually was wrong with his heart this time (while learning about it, never the less.) I came home to look up my cousin's number on facebook -- ends up that he went into emergency surgery and isn't doing well. He actually coded during the surgery and her family is asking for prayers. Ugh.
So, I sat at the computer -- gazed out the window at the beautiful desert rain and decided to write....
The rain continues to fall outside my window
It's clearing the dust and soothing my soul
From behind the cloud, the sun starts to show
It's rays are bright with a glimpse of a rainbow.
It's then that I realize the ying yang of life
And think of my problems, the struggle and strife
And then just like that, a thought of my dream
Things all in place like I've wished they would be.
Just then peace came to me, a cool breeze felt on my cheek
I realized the struggles I have had did not make me weak
But instead gave me the courage to reach for the gold
And overcome the doubters with a heart that grew bold
My life is my own, I am my own captain
My goals and my dreams are different than they have been
I've grown into a person who stands up tall and strong
I finally have the conviction that I'm doing no wrong.
Time is so short, tomorrow is no guarantee
So it's time to do what you can, be who you can be
Tell those that you love just what you're thinking of
And pray to those who've left us to be with sweet Jesus above.
So today I cherish those that stood by my side
with no judgement or doubt or any selfish pride
I realize now that so much has come from the pain
And a rebirth reoccurs with each cool desert rain
Sunday, February 14, 2010
In the spirit of a better day --
I sucked it up -- realized that I am probably just PMSing -- and made a vow that this day was not going to be a downer. It's Sunday -- the boys go back to their dad's tomorrow -- so come hell or high water, we were going to enjoy each other today.
We showered and took the boys to the dollar store. Santa Claus sure knew what he was doing when he got them gift cards there. They feel so free buying whatever they want and they both learned how to slide their own "credit cards" in the machine. I was still pretty grumpy -- you know, the bitchy one word answers. I wanted to be happier but it was going to take a significant amount of work on my part.
Then, we went to church. Ah, church. I get this very calm feeling when the four of us are in church -- like all is well in the world and we really are becoming the family I have always wanted. I looked down the aisle during one of the songs and all three of them (Justin, Dane and Cole) were singing -- fully engaged in the song and the moment. I felt lighter. Seriously. Strange, perhaps, but so refreshing. After church, Dane, Cole and Justin jumped on the trampoline while I made lunch. We all had a great lunch together chit chatting about menial life events.
Afterward, the boys went outside to play fetch with the dogs and a little football while Justin and I talked. We agreed that we have both been short with one another and he apologized for buying me flowers. (OK, I know...that sounds SO stupid...but really, I told him last year -- and time and time again -- I am not a flower person -- especially on Valentines Day when they sky rocket the prices for crappy flowers that quickly die. Still, I acknowledge that sounds very trite. I should be grateful that he at least attempted to buy me something -- and the card he got, well, when I read it again, it was incredibly sweet and sappy and truly did bring tears to my eyes) We agreed to try harder and be kinder. (In the back of my mind, I remember the statement, "God promises to get you through the storms, not around them" and I believe.) Anyway, then we napped -- probably another thing that has aided in my bitchiness. I just haven't been able to sleep well. Dane and I cuddled up on the couch -- it was heavenly.
After we woke up, we decided that we were going to have a datenight and rent a movie (redbox) but couldn't find one we all agreed on. The boys went to the movie closet and came running out with what, apparently, was pure gold. They haven't seen it (totally shocked!)-- and it's a movie, Justin and I would happily watch again and again.
And so tonight, the plan for our Valentine's date night is as follows:
Chicken pot pies and broccoli (the boys request) and Top Gun. Then we are setting up camp on the trampoline -- having a fire and sleeping under the stars. Brrrr.
Once again, all is bright in this world.
Thank you, Jesus.
Literally.
We showered and took the boys to the dollar store. Santa Claus sure knew what he was doing when he got them gift cards there. They feel so free buying whatever they want and they both learned how to slide their own "credit cards" in the machine. I was still pretty grumpy -- you know, the bitchy one word answers. I wanted to be happier but it was going to take a significant amount of work on my part.
Then, we went to church. Ah, church. I get this very calm feeling when the four of us are in church -- like all is well in the world and we really are becoming the family I have always wanted. I looked down the aisle during one of the songs and all three of them (Justin, Dane and Cole) were singing -- fully engaged in the song and the moment. I felt lighter. Seriously. Strange, perhaps, but so refreshing. After church, Dane, Cole and Justin jumped on the trampoline while I made lunch. We all had a great lunch together chit chatting about menial life events.
Afterward, the boys went outside to play fetch with the dogs and a little football while Justin and I talked. We agreed that we have both been short with one another and he apologized for buying me flowers. (OK, I know...that sounds SO stupid...but really, I told him last year -- and time and time again -- I am not a flower person -- especially on Valentines Day when they sky rocket the prices for crappy flowers that quickly die. Still, I acknowledge that sounds very trite. I should be grateful that he at least attempted to buy me something -- and the card he got, well, when I read it again, it was incredibly sweet and sappy and truly did bring tears to my eyes) We agreed to try harder and be kinder. (In the back of my mind, I remember the statement, "God promises to get you through the storms, not around them" and I believe.) Anyway, then we napped -- probably another thing that has aided in my bitchiness. I just haven't been able to sleep well. Dane and I cuddled up on the couch -- it was heavenly.
After we woke up, we decided that we were going to have a datenight and rent a movie (redbox) but couldn't find one we all agreed on. The boys went to the movie closet and came running out with what, apparently, was pure gold. They haven't seen it (totally shocked!)-- and it's a movie, Justin and I would happily watch again and again.
And so tonight, the plan for our Valentine's date night is as follows:
Chicken pot pies and broccoli (the boys request) and Top Gun. Then we are setting up camp on the trampoline -- having a fire and sleeping under the stars. Brrrr.
Once again, all is bright in this world.
Thank you, Jesus.
Literally.
3 out of the last 4 days I've gotten the Sun tarot card reveresed....
that's pretty powerful, if I do say so myself.
I think that I have to sit out and take some time to really reflect which direction I am going. I have been incredibly on edge lately -- and taking it out on those that I love the most. I guess I just don't feel very satisfied in my life right now -- it's a recurring theme in my world. I've been trying hard to stop the cycle. I seem to have landed straight in the middle of it. Again.
Work is work. Banner is fantastic to me. They are very accomodating to my school schedule. I truly enjoy most of the people that I work with and I treasure my director -- because she has a way of saying, "I have been there and I understand" without sounding condescending yet making you feel comfortable enough to talk to her about anything. That, I know, is very rare. But the truth is, I don't really want to work on my floor when school is done. I don't like the population. I am disappointed that I got "telemetry" for my internship. I've always said I'm not a fan of the heart. I don't like to learn the rhythms and even cardiac meds scare me. Sounds like a perfect fit, right!? On the other hand, I'm thinking that maybe this is exactly what I do need. I need to learn this stuff to do the very best job on the floor (my floor) that I am going to be working on. In this market, it isn't easy to find a job either -- and I'm blessed that I have been pretty much guaranteed one. I should be more grateful about that.
School is school. I'm doing okay so far in block four. I don't know how to explain it to anyone who hasn't gone through nursing school, though. You live in constant fear. The tests are very difficult. It's the kind of test where all of the answers are right but you have to pick the BEST answer. It seems rather arbitruary to me since each person, each situation in nursing is different. Yet on a test, there is a set answer. It doesn't matter if you know the information inside and out -- it's not about memorizing the details, it's about learning how to answer the questions. I'm hoping to get caught up a bit on school tomorrow. I have two case studies to do today. Happy Valentines Day, to me.
And home life? Well, I'm blessed in so many ways. I have the boys this weekend -- and they made me the sweetest cards. Cole made me a "gift" of a heart jewel and put in it some cotton he made (?) and 2 dollars and 21 cents. LOL :-) I got huge hugs and kisses from Dane. They are absolutey the loves of my life. Full of love. Full of happiness. Yet, lately I have grown extrememly saddened by the way my relationship with Justin is going. Stages and phases and I know that. But my patience is so short. I am sure I've set up my household where I am the one the does everyting and makes every decision, (a complete opposite of the relationship I had with Joel) and I'm tired of it. It feels like mothering to me -- and there is nothing worse than mothering your mate. I don't need to go into it much -- and like i said, I do believe this too shall pass. But really, I've said a million times that flowers on Valentines Day are the dumbest thing ever. They die and they are marked up 100%. Yet this morning, after Dane, Cole and I swapped cards, Justin had to "run out" for dogfood. Funny, at the pet store there are roses and Valentines Cards!" Puke.
I'd rather him just hug me tight and tell me he loved me. I'd rather he told me that we will get through this and that he will never back off, no matter how hard I push.
Instead I have $$$$ roses still in the packaging -- and a card left unopened on my counter -- while I have the boys getting cleaned up -- laundry going and Justin deciding to "help" and vacuum the carpets. We've said maybe 5 words to each other.
Not the Valentines Morning I ever dreamed of -- actually not any morning I ever want...and here, I sit. My heart hurts. And, you all know how much I hate the heart.
I think that I have to sit out and take some time to really reflect which direction I am going. I have been incredibly on edge lately -- and taking it out on those that I love the most. I guess I just don't feel very satisfied in my life right now -- it's a recurring theme in my world. I've been trying hard to stop the cycle. I seem to have landed straight in the middle of it. Again.
Work is work. Banner is fantastic to me. They are very accomodating to my school schedule. I truly enjoy most of the people that I work with and I treasure my director -- because she has a way of saying, "I have been there and I understand" without sounding condescending yet making you feel comfortable enough to talk to her about anything. That, I know, is very rare. But the truth is, I don't really want to work on my floor when school is done. I don't like the population. I am disappointed that I got "telemetry" for my internship. I've always said I'm not a fan of the heart. I don't like to learn the rhythms and even cardiac meds scare me. Sounds like a perfect fit, right!? On the other hand, I'm thinking that maybe this is exactly what I do need. I need to learn this stuff to do the very best job on the floor (my floor) that I am going to be working on. In this market, it isn't easy to find a job either -- and I'm blessed that I have been pretty much guaranteed one. I should be more grateful about that.
School is school. I'm doing okay so far in block four. I don't know how to explain it to anyone who hasn't gone through nursing school, though. You live in constant fear. The tests are very difficult. It's the kind of test where all of the answers are right but you have to pick the BEST answer. It seems rather arbitruary to me since each person, each situation in nursing is different. Yet on a test, there is a set answer. It doesn't matter if you know the information inside and out -- it's not about memorizing the details, it's about learning how to answer the questions. I'm hoping to get caught up a bit on school tomorrow. I have two case studies to do today. Happy Valentines Day, to me.
And home life? Well, I'm blessed in so many ways. I have the boys this weekend -- and they made me the sweetest cards. Cole made me a "gift" of a heart jewel and put in it some cotton he made (?) and 2 dollars and 21 cents. LOL :-) I got huge hugs and kisses from Dane. They are absolutey the loves of my life. Full of love. Full of happiness. Yet, lately I have grown extrememly saddened by the way my relationship with Justin is going. Stages and phases and I know that. But my patience is so short. I am sure I've set up my household where I am the one the does everyting and makes every decision, (a complete opposite of the relationship I had with Joel) and I'm tired of it. It feels like mothering to me -- and there is nothing worse than mothering your mate. I don't need to go into it much -- and like i said, I do believe this too shall pass. But really, I've said a million times that flowers on Valentines Day are the dumbest thing ever. They die and they are marked up 100%. Yet this morning, after Dane, Cole and I swapped cards, Justin had to "run out" for dogfood. Funny, at the pet store there are roses and Valentines Cards!" Puke.
I'd rather him just hug me tight and tell me he loved me. I'd rather he told me that we will get through this and that he will never back off, no matter how hard I push.
Instead I have $$$$ roses still in the packaging -- and a card left unopened on my counter -- while I have the boys getting cleaned up -- laundry going and Justin deciding to "help" and vacuum the carpets. We've said maybe 5 words to each other.
Not the Valentines Morning I ever dreamed of -- actually not any morning I ever want...and here, I sit. My heart hurts. And, you all know how much I hate the heart.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Clouds may be obscuring truth. Not as bright as things could be, but not dark either. A mitigating of circumstances. Possible sadness. Burn out from a job or relationship. Time to sit this one out until bright sun returns. Positive energies dampened, but not completely gone. Focus on good still at hand until time passes. Confusion and concealment. Truth is still there, but may be hidden. A slower than expected recovery from illness. Relationship in some trouble but still salvageable.
Sometimes it's truly amazing how "on" my tarot reading is each day. I know that a lot of credence isn't really placed on the power of the tarot, horoscopes, or what not -- but I like to read them and interpret them into my life. Somedays are much easier than others -- like today for instance.
Yesterday was a really hard day. I am going to mainly leave it at that. I will also say that I had a panic attack which really really sucks. I kept trying to stay positive, but when the puppy pooped in the house and then both boys stepped in it (in their shoes) and walked all around the house, I really lost it. I just cried and cried. I guess after that -- I felt better. Odd, how crying can release so many pent up feelings.
I'm so stressed out - it's crazy. School is so much. I'm doing okay but I always feel behind the 8 ball. There are so many things on my perpetual "to do" list and I have so little time to really get anything done. Today I have off. I have to go to school and get some things taken care of...I'm going to study some too. I have a tax appointment today that is freaking me out - I am ammending my taxes last year to appease Joel -- and then from now on out we are each claiming one child and HOH. I am just so afraid that it's going to fuck me over majorly. *sigh* I'm trying not to worry about it until there is reason to worry about it. (Ya, I suck at that.) Then I have to pick up the boys from school so I can spend some time with them before I have to drop them off with my sister so I can goto a Shared Leadership meeting at work...only to go hang out with them for a couple more hours before I let them sleep over there -- because I have to work bright and early on Friday and neither Justin nor I can take them to school. *sigh* I'm training some new guy (I hate training) so I have to be there early. I'll do what I can. I'm very much looking forward to this weekend.
The boys are doing okay. I think I finally got their insurance worked out. I got $700 from their dad -- which is at least something. I paid a bunch of bills and made the boys dentist appointments. I've bent over backwards for Joel lately -- and I am disappointed that he is stalling at helping me get the boys their passports. I have learned time and time again that he is NOT the man I married -- nor is he the man I divorced. It still hurts though. As far as getting the boys into counseling -- well, I'm going to start looking into that as well. I got a great list of references from some friends and so I'll start there. I have befriended Jen (yep, JHO) and she's on board trying to get Joel to understand that counseling has a benefit. We will see. Dane would like to go. We also started a journal for Dane. He writes in it daily and then Joel and I (whichever house he is at) responds and the journal travels back and fourth. It is meant to show Dane that he can say whatever and that Joel and I (and our significant others) are all on the same page. Only Dane, Joel, and I can read it -- not Cole, not Jen, not her children, and not Justin. It's suppose to be about how he's feeling -- and we can't judge but just say how we feel back. We will see how it goes. It's interesting reading Joel's responses. He is trying to be a better Dad -- and for that, I guess he is worth the pain in my heart.
Today is a new day....I will try to breathe and get some stuff done. Being productive -- staying prepared is the only way I'll get out of this alive.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Thursday, February 04, 2010
I've been very disturbed and uneasy as of late
My poor kids. Divorce is so hard. OUR divorce seems to be harder than most.
I can't quite tell you how much work I have done on my own psyche to get to a place of peace and calm in my heart. I no longer "hate" Joel -- I never did. I loved him, missed him and grieved that he never fought for our relationship. I no longer "hate" Jen -- I never did. I was angry with the choice that she made and especially at the time she did it. I was jealous that she was reaping the benefits that came along with Joel (monetary stuff, mostly) and I was resentful that she seemed to step so effortlessly into my shoes, living my life and into my relationship with Joel. She just picked right up where I left off -- especially in Joel's eyes. I was sad that it was simply about "filling the role" and not about the 15 years we had spent together. I no longer hate myself or am disappointed in myself. I acknowledge the mistakes that I have made, the sins I have committed and understand that those actions hurt many that I love the most. But I am who I am today because of each one of those things. Now, my concentration focuses on my own personal happiness. That includes seeing my children happy, falling more in love with Justin everyday, working towards a lifelong goal of becoming a nurse and working with dedication and confidence.
But, I can't help my boys any longer. I can't make them feel better about the separation between their father and me. I'm not just talking about the fact that we are divorced (a fact that they still tell me they wish wasn't the case) but additionally the fact that their dad still talks down about my life -- my boyfriend -- my house -- my pets. You name it. And my children are extremely torn. They have been acting out a lot lately. Dane is sensitive with me --asks for one on one conversations often and cries frequently. Cole is an angry little spud. When he gets upset there are very little ways to control him. He says words that aren't allowed in this household "I hate you" "you're stupid" etc and hits things and pretends he is going to hit people (correction -- he has up and layed out Dane, but the kid kind of deserved that one. LOL) I've mentioned it in peaceful times with Joel to which I get a polite "you are overreacting" and off we go on our merry way.
Well, yesterday was different. Two separate things happened that I believe God is hurling a brick at my head saying "GET THESE BOYS THERAPY!!!" My children are 9 and 6 -- (7 next month.) We separated when they were 6 and 3. Divorce finalized at 7 and 4. The boys decorated Valentine's cards yesterday in Kids Express (the after school program that they attend). They were all excited to show me them when they got home and have me hang them up until Valentines day. They were cute -- the typical cut out heart and construction paper stuff. Dane is my philosopher -- always thinking -- and of course the "do well on your exams" part makes me both so PROUD of him and also SAD that I am preoccupied with school and he knows it....but any which way...here are my happy cards.
This was my card from Cole. It says Happy Valentines Day, Mom and that he wishes he could be with me longer. He signs it with a beautiful, I love you, Cole. I love his fingerprints around the heart and of course all the Xs and Os. So sweet.
Then Dane's Card:
His card says Dear Mom,
Hope you have a GREAT Valentines Day, thanks for the note on the race. You have done a lot for me. I wish I could always be with you. Hope you do great on your exams - Dane -- (then below it he puts "Haste makes Waste" ~ Ben Franklin. LOL)
So we ate dinner last night and went around the table in our usual fashion (Good things, Bad things, Things we can work on, things we want to talk about). Conversation turned to Joel. Quickly both boys escalated into a bunch of stuff about being pushed around at their dad's house and Dane started crying when he said everyone at that house calls him an "idiot." Later that night, when Dane was in the bath -- he asked to speak to me privately. He started crying. He said, "I'm scared to play football cause dad gets so mad at me." I responded, "then don't! there are a million other things to do or play" and he went on "mom, he is so mean to me. He pushes me in my room. He tells me I can't do anything right. I can't play basketball on my door. (?) and he always calls me names and calls me an idiot." He then asked if he could stay at my house. *sigh* Now, I know that this may very well be just words and probably blown out of proportion as kids do. I understand that. I told him that his dad would be very sad if he didn't get to see him though and I asked him if he'd like to talk to someone...someone outside of this circle....a doctor of sorts who deals with kids going through divorce. "That way you won't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings and can get stuff off your chest." he nodded. I also said, "maybe you can get tips to control your frustrations, too!" and he said he'd like that. Now. I've brought up counseling to Joel before and he told me I was being ridiculous.
Of more concern: I walked out and started cleaning out their backpacks. I said, "Oh Cole, you made another card....is that for your dad!?" He said "yes" and ran up to show me. Please look at it -- and tell me how you feel.
It says "I love you Dad" on the front -- and then inside it says "if you don't love love me, you hate me." "I love you. To Dad From Cole" *gulp*
I took it out of his backpack before school today (somehow) embarrassed for anyone to see it, but I will put it back in there tomorrow so he can give it to Joel when he goes to his house for the weekend. :-( My first reaction was to protect Joel's feelings and throw it away. I decided that wasn't fair since Cole did take time and make it for him -- and maybe Joel will see that these boys are struggling and do need help. Maybe, he won't. Somehow I'm afraid he'll say I'm overreacting and to move on. I feel strongly that we need to deal with this.
I emailed Jen. Mother to Mother. With a picture of the card and a recap of the conversation that I had with Dane. See, I've tried to get the boys into therapy before and Joel told me it was ridiculous. I'm begging that her heart -- a mother's heart -- which I know loves my children and Joel -- will get him to see that they need an outlet. I haven't received anything back from her. I asked for her confidnance with what I told her. I don't expect her to keep it from Joel, and said such. But, I'm hoping she can sit on it and figure out a way to get through to Joel in a way that will maintain his dignity and not make him mad (which I surely would do if I mentioned it) or break his heart (which I would imagine getting this card is going to do to him without some sort of warning. I don't think he's a "bad dad" but I really want to get to the bottom of this. Joel parents much like his own father -- and he hated it. He help (perhaps still holds) a great deal of anger toward his father -- I don't want my boys to harbor any ill will toward him -- or me. I'm not naive either, and am guessing that they have negative things to say about this household from time to time, as well. And, maybe the boys are just getting things highly misconstrued because their minds and hearts are torn and confused. They don't deserve this angst and saddness. None of us do.
I can't quite tell you how much work I have done on my own psyche to get to a place of peace and calm in my heart. I no longer "hate" Joel -- I never did. I loved him, missed him and grieved that he never fought for our relationship. I no longer "hate" Jen -- I never did. I was angry with the choice that she made and especially at the time she did it. I was jealous that she was reaping the benefits that came along with Joel (monetary stuff, mostly) and I was resentful that she seemed to step so effortlessly into my shoes, living my life and into my relationship with Joel. She just picked right up where I left off -- especially in Joel's eyes. I was sad that it was simply about "filling the role" and not about the 15 years we had spent together. I no longer hate myself or am disappointed in myself. I acknowledge the mistakes that I have made, the sins I have committed and understand that those actions hurt many that I love the most. But I am who I am today because of each one of those things. Now, my concentration focuses on my own personal happiness. That includes seeing my children happy, falling more in love with Justin everyday, working towards a lifelong goal of becoming a nurse and working with dedication and confidence.
But, I can't help my boys any longer. I can't make them feel better about the separation between their father and me. I'm not just talking about the fact that we are divorced (a fact that they still tell me they wish wasn't the case) but additionally the fact that their dad still talks down about my life -- my boyfriend -- my house -- my pets. You name it. And my children are extremely torn. They have been acting out a lot lately. Dane is sensitive with me --asks for one on one conversations often and cries frequently. Cole is an angry little spud. When he gets upset there are very little ways to control him. He says words that aren't allowed in this household "I hate you" "you're stupid" etc and hits things and pretends he is going to hit people (correction -- he has up and layed out Dane, but the kid kind of deserved that one. LOL) I've mentioned it in peaceful times with Joel to which I get a polite "you are overreacting" and off we go on our merry way.
Well, yesterday was different. Two separate things happened that I believe God is hurling a brick at my head saying "GET THESE BOYS THERAPY!!!" My children are 9 and 6 -- (7 next month.) We separated when they were 6 and 3. Divorce finalized at 7 and 4. The boys decorated Valentine's cards yesterday in Kids Express (the after school program that they attend). They were all excited to show me them when they got home and have me hang them up until Valentines day. They were cute -- the typical cut out heart and construction paper stuff. Dane is my philosopher -- always thinking -- and of course the "do well on your exams" part makes me both so PROUD of him and also SAD that I am preoccupied with school and he knows it....but any which way...here are my happy cards.
This was my card from Cole. It says Happy Valentines Day, Mom and that he wishes he could be with me longer. He signs it with a beautiful, I love you, Cole. I love his fingerprints around the heart and of course all the Xs and Os. So sweet.
Then Dane's Card:
His card says Dear Mom,
Hope you have a GREAT Valentines Day, thanks for the note on the race. You have done a lot for me. I wish I could always be with you. Hope you do great on your exams - Dane -- (then below it he puts "Haste makes Waste" ~ Ben Franklin. LOL)
So we ate dinner last night and went around the table in our usual fashion (Good things, Bad things, Things we can work on, things we want to talk about). Conversation turned to Joel. Quickly both boys escalated into a bunch of stuff about being pushed around at their dad's house and Dane started crying when he said everyone at that house calls him an "idiot." Later that night, when Dane was in the bath -- he asked to speak to me privately. He started crying. He said, "I'm scared to play football cause dad gets so mad at me." I responded, "then don't! there are a million other things to do or play" and he went on "mom, he is so mean to me. He pushes me in my room. He tells me I can't do anything right. I can't play basketball on my door. (?) and he always calls me names and calls me an idiot." He then asked if he could stay at my house. *sigh* Now, I know that this may very well be just words and probably blown out of proportion as kids do. I understand that. I told him that his dad would be very sad if he didn't get to see him though and I asked him if he'd like to talk to someone...someone outside of this circle....a doctor of sorts who deals with kids going through divorce. "That way you won't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings and can get stuff off your chest." he nodded. I also said, "maybe you can get tips to control your frustrations, too!" and he said he'd like that. Now. I've brought up counseling to Joel before and he told me I was being ridiculous.
Of more concern: I walked out and started cleaning out their backpacks. I said, "Oh Cole, you made another card....is that for your dad!?" He said "yes" and ran up to show me. Please look at it -- and tell me how you feel.
It says "I love you Dad" on the front -- and then inside it says "if you don't love love me, you hate me." "I love you. To Dad From Cole" *gulp*
I took it out of his backpack before school today (somehow) embarrassed for anyone to see it, but I will put it back in there tomorrow so he can give it to Joel when he goes to his house for the weekend. :-( My first reaction was to protect Joel's feelings and throw it away. I decided that wasn't fair since Cole did take time and make it for him -- and maybe Joel will see that these boys are struggling and do need help. Maybe, he won't. Somehow I'm afraid he'll say I'm overreacting and to move on. I feel strongly that we need to deal with this.
I emailed Jen. Mother to Mother. With a picture of the card and a recap of the conversation that I had with Dane. See, I've tried to get the boys into therapy before and Joel told me it was ridiculous. I'm begging that her heart -- a mother's heart -- which I know loves my children and Joel -- will get him to see that they need an outlet. I haven't received anything back from her. I asked for her confidnance with what I told her. I don't expect her to keep it from Joel, and said such. But, I'm hoping she can sit on it and figure out a way to get through to Joel in a way that will maintain his dignity and not make him mad (which I surely would do if I mentioned it) or break his heart (which I would imagine getting this card is going to do to him without some sort of warning. I don't think he's a "bad dad" but I really want to get to the bottom of this. Joel parents much like his own father -- and he hated it. He help (perhaps still holds) a great deal of anger toward his father -- I don't want my boys to harbor any ill will toward him -- or me. I'm not naive either, and am guessing that they have negative things to say about this household from time to time, as well. And, maybe the boys are just getting things highly misconstrued because their minds and hearts are torn and confused. They don't deserve this angst and saddness. None of us do.
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