Rebuilding -- Denial

...what is that saying??? Something about courage.... um, something like courage is when you know something is going to hurt or be hard, but you do it anyway (clearly, I'm paraphrasing, don't be mad at me, Oprah). Well, I am in a horrible place right now. Joel and I are in a huge fight -- he's reneged on an agreement we had verbally made, putting our children in the middle of it. What hurts the most is that I simply want to hang out with my boys -- but it's "his" day, so he gets to make the decision to have them be babysat rather than hang out with their own mother. I'm hurt. I'm disgusted. I'm angry. I'm absolutely in tears...

but I picked up the book...and I read the next chapter. Baby steps...baby steps...me and Bob are taking baby steps (man I *wish* I liked my psychiatrist enough to follow her across the country to a quaint little lake town....) anyway, I digress.

Back to the book.....so I pick it up and here's what I read...really...I'm not lying!

You may be making this journey even though you don't want to, even though you are still married in your heart. The emotional pain is so great that you know you have to climb. It will benefit you to learn as much from this journey as possible, so decide to make it a positive experience, rather than a begrudging one. (pg. 41)

I am courageous! And so I read the chapter on denial (not just a river, by the way)and...I cried, I sobbed, I wanted to bash my head (or someone else's head) through a wall...I read....and I came to the statements at the end (remember the answers are satisfactory, needs improvement or unsatisfactory)....

1. I am able to accept that my love relationship is ending

I need to improve

2. I am comfortable telling my friends and relatives that my love relationship is ending.

Satisfactory

3. I have begun to understand some of the reasons why my love relationship did not work out, and this has helped me overcome the feelings of denial.

I have begun -- yes -- satisfactory. I believe the new company and the stress that brought, boredom, alcohol, lack of trying, and weakness are the leaders of "why" it ended.

4. I believe that even though divorce is painful, it can be a positive and creative experience.

Unsatisfactory

5. I am ready to invest emotionally in my own personal growth in order to become the person I would like to be.

Most definitely Satisfactory

6. I want to learn to become happy as a single person before committing myself to another love relationship.

Well, I failed that one miserably...Un-sat-is-was and will always be-factory.

7. I will continue to invest in my own personal growth even if my former love partner and I plan to get together.

Null and void.

*gulp*

I LOVE YOU COLE DANIEL!!!

Cole graduated from Preschool on Wed -- and Dane is out of school now too. Cole was so darn cute. He was for sure the best dressed little man there and sang the loudest too. Joel was there. We stood next to each other -- even took pictures for one another. We even walked out to the parking lot together -- both so happy of Cole. It felt like we were family for a moment, if only to say "yeah Bobo" and be on our way.

Anyway -- then we proceeded to have a huge blow up yesterday over a complete and utter misunderstanding. That is what happens when we can't even carry a PHONE conversation. He is so controlled by "his boyfriend" it makes me sick -- either that or he is just afraid to deal with anything that has to do with me. Sometimes I think he just doesn't feel anything but disgust for me -- other times I know that he is just scared to give a little. It all just makes me so sad....

That on top of my last appt. being a total bust. I didn't like her as much as the first time. I was all of 3 minutes late -- and she came strolling in 10 minutes after saying that she thought I wasn't coming -- then she tied it up early. I got HOME with still 5 minutes "on the clock" of my whole whoppin hour. Sure, we talked about some good things....but...well, I could do this on my own. I made another appt. She has one shot and then I'm stopping. Period. I can read the book and work thru this all without someone else. Maybe.

I hate this....all of it.

Rebuilding -- The Rebuilding Blocks

Well, I'm jumping in with both feet. I deserve to feel better about the losses I've experienced -- specifically, my divorce. In a previous blog, I wrote that I went to a new counselor and that she suggested a book, "Rebuilding" by Bruce Fisher. I got the book and started it. I've only read the first couple chapters, but I think it's going to be helpful. I'm taking my time with it -- armed with a pen to highlight certain things that stick out. It suggests journaling -- which I knew would be powerful for me, as I like to get my thoughts out on paper. It gives a group of questions at the end of each chapter -- I'm going to answer those questions on my blog. If this is too uncomfortable for you -- just skip all the "Rebuilding" blogs.

Without further ado (man, that's fun to say...)

How are you doing? Respond with satisfactory, I need to improve, or unsatisfactory.

1. I have identified the rebuilding blocks that I need to work on.

I need to improve. Well, I did star a few of them that I know will be struggles for me. I starred "Fear: I have Lots of It!," "Friendship: "Where Has Everybody Gone?," "Grief: "There's This Terrible Feeling of Loss," "Transition: "I'm Waking Up and Putting Away my Leftovers" and I put a large question mark over "Relatedness: "Growing Relationships Help Me Rebuild."

2. I understand the adjustment process.

Unsatisfactory

3. I want to begin working thru the adjustment process.

Satisfactory

4. I want to use the pain of this crisis to learn about myself

I need to improve (I'm so scared)

5. I want to use the pain of this crisis as motivation to experience personal growth.Satisfactory

6. If I am reluctant to grow, I will try to understand what feelings are keeping me from growing.

Satisfactory

7. I will keep my thoughts and feelings open to discover any rebuilding blocks that I may be stuck in at the present time.

I need to improve (I'm scared I'll hurt those around me)

8. I have hope and faith that I can rebuild from this crisis and make it into a creative learning experience.

I need to improve (I undoubtedly will grow...I hope it's for the better)

9. I have discussed the rebuilding blocks model of adjustment with friend in order to better understand where I am in the process.

I need to improve. Obviously, I'm getting professional help -- and she led me to this book (I meet with her later today as well)... Interestingly enough, I had a wonderful meaningful talk with my friend Robin this weekend, where I touched on several of the blocks without even knowing it. But, I don't' really have many friends to really talk to about this.

10. I am committed to understanding some of the reasons why my relationship ended.100% Satisfactory

11. If I have children of any age, I will attempt to help them work through their own adjustment process.

I promise to try....I definitely promise to try.

Happy Memorial Day

Today is a day to remember those that we have lost -- specifically in a war defending our beautiful country -- but really any sort of loss.

I feel blessed today for being engaged to a man who fought for our country. Justin is a gorgeous soul who is uber patriotic. I could listen to his military stories forever. He fought in Iraq for 14 months -- front line kind of business. He came back and changed person. The things he's seen and the people he has lost pale in comparison to the lives he truly believes that he has helped -- a nation he believes is better because of the the United States involvement. That is the stuff that matters. He KNOWS that he's made a difference.

I feel blessed today remembering his service -- and that of several dear friends -- Brian, Wally, Timmy (specifically)... that they are all home now and safe. Thank you GOD for giving them back.

And, yet, I also am sad -- I miss my father on this Memorial Day. He may not have served in a war, but he was so proud of our country. He was an honorable and proud voting man. He fought for his own beliefs (some I disagree with vehemently, however respect...) in his own way. He hit the pavement day in and day out with dedication and faith. He worked hard. He was loyal to his God, his values, his work and his family. That's a code worth fighting for.

I will remember many people today...for their service....of any kind

Dear D, K, A, T, J...to name a few

I just have to write. I probably shouldn't, but I have to. After shedding a thousand tears last night -- and perhaps a million more in the last year, I owe it to myself to give myself a voice.

I am not quite sure you think that you have the right to judge me. I am not quite sure why you think that divorce may be contagious. I am not quite sure why *I* thought our friendship was strong enough to withhold the bad times. I have learned a valuable lesson.

I have learned that in the hardest times, friends walk away. I have learned that in the darkest times -- a divorce, deception, death -- people whom said they loved me, are too "uncomfortable" to ask me how I am. I have learned that the "how are you" and "I miss you" email and phone calls (wait, correction...email...and phone call) are only to make you feel better. You know what....save it.

You are such a hypocrite.
Thanks for the invite.
Thanks for the consideration.
You are judgemental,
You are rude.
You are mean and awful.
Stop saying that you are a person of God
We've been friends so long - what a JOKE
I hope that you never fall upon hard times
You are ugly.
You are hurtful.

I will never forget the hurt you have caused me -- the salt you have rubbed in my wounds. Perhaps it is better to know now... you don't deserve my tears

Tell that to my broken heart.

I met with a new therapist yesterday...

I had a full blown panic attack right before I went in. It's funny -- stress causes me to itch. I can tell when I am starting to lose control cause I itch all over...and then that horrible feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest takes over. Lucky for me (and really for her) I keep my xanax in the car.

It's daunting, though, seeing a new therapist -- where do you begin? I sat down and was shaking. I said straight out, "I'm really full of anxiety" Somehow saying it made me calm down (and, perhaps, the xanax was kicking in.) Well, an hour later and a box of tissues in the trash, I exited a better woman than I was when I walked in. I really liked her. She gave me the titles of a couple books to read -- I'm very excited to get them (I rushed home and ordered them). One of them is about rebuilding after the end of a relationship, appropriately titled "Rebuilding". I'm most interested in that one. I have a lot of unresolved emotions about my divorce. I have a feeling this book is really going to help me. The other one is "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye" and is a book about the sudden loss of a parent. When she said the title I let out a sob. I miss my dad tremendously. I think that book may be a hard read.

What it all boils down to is I have experienced great losses. I lost my marriage -- I lost the dream of living happily ever after with the love of my life and our children. I lost a several friendships -- including one that meant a lot to me in a devastating, back stabbing, painful way. I lost my dad. I lost my financial stability. I lost my identity. I need to deal with those losses. I need to take ownership for what I am responsible for -- and learn to walk away from that which I can't control.

I have so much work to do...but I'm going to do it.

Thank God that first appointment is over.

I am going to start blogging again.....

I have to.

I have too many things that are tossing around inside of my head to not get some thoughts out on paper.

100 things....to clear out some space.

1. It's been 9 years since i lost my first baby
2. I'm alone in that saddness
3. Money sucks
4. I am scared
5. I have very few loyal friends
6. But, who needs more than that?
7. My sister is the best.
8. My family loves me.
9. I want to goto North Carolina
10. I miss Kelly and her family
11. I owe her -- she helped so much
12. I can't afford it.
13. I can't afford anything.
14. I think I'm going to like my work
15. There is so much to learn
16. People trust me with their health
17. They expect me to know.
18. I'm excited for Block 2
19. I can't wait to work OB and Peds.
20. I will be a better student this block
21. I love my mom.
22. I miss my dad.
23. I am grateful for Justin
24. I love my children
25. I don't think there is anything better than children
26. My doctor doesn't think it's very wise to think about having another.
27. I will never be as good of a parent as my parents were.
28. That's depressing.
29. My children are the product of divorce
30. Correction: They are a product of love -- affected later by divorce
31. I was so in love with Joel
32. I'm scared to love that deeply again
33. I love Justin -- it's just different
34. Different, better? Different, worse? Really...just different.
35. I cry each and every time I think about my divorce.
36. .....If I let myself.
37. I need to pick myself and dust myself off.
38. My life is starting to perk up
39. I feel like a tulip budding thru the snow after an extremely hard winter
40. I want to be yellow.
41. Yellow is light -- laughter --happiness
42. I have stained cheeks -- I've cried a lot today.
43. Wonder what color that is?
44. I feel punched in the stomach
45. I need to move on.
46. My life will never be perfect
47. But it can be damn good.
48. I should go back to therapy
49. I have to pay my insurance bill
50. I have no money
51. I hate that I'm working this weekend.
52. I can't wait to see Robin
53. The garbage smells...I should take it out
54. The house is clean -- I love that.
55. I get the boys back today
56. Interesting, I think I cry every Monday and Tuesday after Joel has had the boys for the weekend
57. I want my children 100%
58. I'm sure Joel does too.
59. LOSE/LOSE/LOSE

.......................................lose

this is too depressing.....

Well, I tried.