I had a full blown panic attack right before I went in. It's funny -- stress causes me to itch. I can tell when I am starting to lose control cause I itch all over...and then that horrible feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest takes over. Lucky for me (and really for her) I keep my xanax in the car.
It's daunting, though, seeing a new therapist -- where do you begin? I sat down and was shaking. I said straight out, "I'm really full of anxiety" Somehow saying it made me calm down (and, perhaps, the xanax was kicking in.) Well, an hour later and a box of tissues in the trash, I exited a better woman than I was when I walked in. I really liked her. She gave me the titles of a couple books to read -- I'm very excited to get them (I rushed home and ordered them). One of them is about rebuilding after the end of a relationship, appropriately titled "Rebuilding". I'm most interested in that one. I have a lot of unresolved emotions about my divorce. I have a feeling this book is really going to help me. The other one is "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye" and is a book about the sudden loss of a parent. When she said the title I let out a sob. I miss my dad tremendously. I think that book may be a hard read.
What it all boils down to is I have experienced great losses. I lost my marriage -- I lost the dream of living happily ever after with the love of my life and our children. I lost a several friendships -- including one that meant a lot to me in a devastating, back stabbing, painful way. I lost my dad. I lost my financial stability. I lost my identity. I need to deal with those losses. I need to take ownership for what I am responsible for -- and learn to walk away from that which I can't control.
I have so much work to do...but I'm going to do it.
Thank God that first appointment is over.
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1 comment:
You have suffered tremendous losses, all in such a short time, personally, I think it's amazing you can get out of bed everyday. Your resiliency and strength amaze and inspire me.
I've had some rough times in the last couple of years myself. The love and support of my brother and cousins has helped me immensely, as have two other things. One is the book, "The Secret". Whether you believe in the philosophy or not, there are some very helpful things in that book. The other was when my doctor prescribed Cymbalta. Both have been a godsend to me.
Good to see you blogging again dear.
I've missed you.
Hugs,
Laurie
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