"let us also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5

Times are tough - I hope that I am tougher.

and in my weakness I write.

It was hard from the start,
the meeting of our hearts
and we tore several lives all apart.

We vowed there and then,
we'd prove to our friends,
that this bond would last til the end.

We loved and we laughed, talked of the future and past,
decided to move forward, together at last.

It was crazy to see,
my kids love him so free,
it all seemed like it was meant to be.

And with the rise of the sun,
a proposal was done
and we vowed to forever be one.

Husband and wife,
no more doubt- no more strife,
this family of mine was for life.

Yet, it was apparent right away,
looking back to those days,
that, with him, things were a deep shade of grey.

I tried to believe, in time he could grow,
with age and with me loving him so.

Yet time and again,
it became such a trend,
mistakes he would beg to amend.

He lies with such ease,
and with each slight breeze,
depending on the face he wants to please.

A lover, a mother, a sister, a brother
the lies go on and we suffer.

Then, "I'm sorry a bunch."
"I love you so much"
"I can't lose your touch"
and I waiver.

Back and forth, forth and back
-on the road, then off track --
ups and downs, all arounds, lies not facts.

He'd push and then pull,
glass half empty/half full,
my eyes slowly being covered with wool.

I fought a hard fight,
to hold onto him tight,
but my heart sensed it wasn't quite right.

And then the end came,
with a confession of blame,
he's a cheater, a liar, a shame.

He said that he loved me,
didn't know why "it was easy"
to do the things that would force him to leave me.

And, being a coward of a man,
told me it was in my hands
and either way that I went, he'd understand.

He left as I asked, with no sign of a fight,
a weak heart that's left me with spite.

I feel defective and deflated,
undermined and understated,
and worst of all stupid and jaded.

My heart is in two,
my boys are confused
and I truly don't know what we will do.

In the blink of an eye,
he's a pompous angry guy
without an answer to "why??"

Yet, I have two boys I adore
a career to open doors
and a life with so much to live for!

I look up and I pray that maybe one day,
I'll understand why it worked out this way.
Until then, one foot will go in front of the other
and I'll accomplish my goals one after the another.

(not my best work, but shootng from the hip)

Missing him.
But knowing it's better this way.
KK+JE
1/2007 - 3/2010

Good ole Theodore Roosevelt

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

And, I'll get there....one teardrop at a time.

My phone rings and my machine picks up
How many times is that today?
That you've called me just to say hello
And I say I've been doing okay

I missed you, now I don't
I gave in, now I won't
I loved you, now I can't
put my heart through all that again

Sometimes gone is really gone
Sometimes baby people just move on
And letting go means letting go
And I did, but you won't, let go

No I haven't found somebody else
Maybe I'm not ready yet
I'm not saying that I want you back
That's a past, please understand

I missed you, now I don't
I gave in, now I won't
I loved you, now I can't
put my heart through all that again

Sometimes gone is really gone
Sometimes baby people just move on
And letting go means letting go
And I did, but you won't, no you won't

I missed you, now I don't
I gave in, now I won't
I loved you, now I can't
put my heart through all that again

God, please help me in this time of change and great need...

Your Hands: JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away.

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths and crooked lines
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine.

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When you walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands, Your hands that shaped the world
are holding me -- they hold me still
Your hands that shaped the world
are holding me -- they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave - I never leave - your hands."

And, now, all the pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place...

Big test today -- riddled with anxiety

When you don't think you have the strength to deal with all that is facing you...wear this talisman as a reminder that, deep within, you have all the resources you need to move forward.

Mom -- I don't know if you remember buying this necklace, but I'm wearing it today praying that she gives me strength and peace. (and a good grade). I love you.

Blowing out the candles
on another birthday cake
Old enough to look back and laugh at my mistakes
Young enough to look at the future and like what I see
My best days are ahead of me

Life hasn't always been a party
but mostly it's been good
There's only one or two things that I'd change if I could
I dont get lost in the past or get stuck in some sad memory yah
My best days are ahead of me

Age is nothing but a number
Sometimes I have to wonder
What does it really mean
But heeeey im still putting it together
I keep getting better
if I keep getting better
I can be whatever I want to be
My best days are ahead of me

Age is nothing but a number
Sometimes I have to wonder
What does it really mean
But heeeey im still putting it together
I keep getting better
if I keep getting better
I can be whatever I want to be
My best days are ahead of me

I've got sunsets to witness
dreams to dance with
beaches to walk on
and lovers to kiss
there's a whole lot of world out there
that I can't wait to see
My best days are ahead of me
My best days are ahead of me

Mr. Danny Gokey performed this song last night on American Idol. Apparently, I was living under a rock and had never heard it before -- I don't listen to the radio. He was so damn cute on American Idol -- first, when he was actually a contestant and then also, last night. OOooooh my crush continues.

His story is a pretty sad one, actually. He auditioned for AI 4 weeks after his wife passed away. She was having a surgery for a congenital heart defect. (I'm growing to really love the heart -- hope it helps me on my test, Monday.) He was great on that show. But, you couldn't help but wonder if some of the love was due to the tragedy he had gone through. Last night was a completely different Gokey. Ha. But he was saying that this song was an anthem for him now -- because he has gone through the rain and sees bright light ahead.

I feel very much the same way. Divorce is very much like a death, in my opinion. In some ways, more difficult (cause you are still hurt so deeply -- and if you have children -- have to maintain contact with them regardless of what they did or continue to do for you.) I also know that it is very different. When my dad passed away, I saw my Mom grieve in a way that just is SO DIFFERENT than what I went through with the divorce. I am lucky that the boys still HAVE Joel. I don't know where I'm going with all of that....

....Justin's Umpa (mom's dad) passed away 20 minutes ago...smack dab in the middle of this post. I'm worried about Justin. He handles death so differently than I do. I see death as a light of some sort -- probably because I see it as an end to this world but only the beginning of an eternal life. It's hard to see Justin take it so so hard. I told him that his Grandpa is at peace now -- but that doesn't make it easier for those left behind. Truth is: we are selfish people and want those that we love to be alive and around forever.

Forever....

....I have trouble with that word.

I am going to go listen to Danny Gokey once again -- I celebrate the life of Justin's Grandfather -- because without him -- I wouldn't have Justin. And without Justin, I wouldn't have "the best days ahead of me....."

POSITIVE THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Even amidst great challenges, my intention is to grow as a human being.

WEEKLY FOCUS: I N T E N T I O N

Few people avoid pain and suffering in this life. Those who do probably
aren't really avoiding them, just escaping them instead. I can choose to escape the negativity and pain and focus on the end prize. Remember from earlier post, my pastor at church said that, "It's not just intention, but direction." I will step up my game and not only INTEND to be a happier, more whole person but I will take the steps to get us there. When difficult circumstances arise in my life, I can choose to see them as opportunities to grow, no matter how difficult it may seem. AN OPPORTUNITY TO GROW! Despite the pain and misery that accompany those circumstances, I can respond to them with a strong belief in myself that I can be better and it will be better, not bitter, when the storm passes.

Better -- not bitter.

And I'll leave you with this thought:

"As long as you keep a person down, some part of you has to be down there to hold him down, so it means you cannot soar as you otherwise might." ~Marian Anderson

Flapping my wings...I really truly WANT to SOAR!!!

My birthday card from Dane: The boy is growing up...long gone are the cheesy bright colored sprinkled with fairy dust cards:

On one hand it makes me sad -- he needs to slow down and be a kid -- on the other hand it's awfully thoughtful. And then I read it and think of my *own* mom and this card is SO true. So Mom, if you're reading this....this is for you, too. I love you.

Moms
Make Everything Better!

You've had a bad day, or a terrible night,
And you don't have the strength to stand up and fight.
You want to give up. Life is awful, all right.
But who really cares?
It's your mom.

Your heart just got broken. You're feeling alone,
with more angst and sadness than you've ever known,
So you take a deep breath and pick up the phone.
Who's always there? It's your mom.

You're so overwhelmed. There's just too much to do
It feels like the whole world is leaning on you.
You can't even imagine how you'll ever get through.
Who's by your side?
It's your mom.

You're upset and confused - big deicsions to make.
With path to pursue? Which chances to take?
Would it be a smart move or an awful mistake?
Who'll be your guide?
It's your mom.

Yes, all through your life, whatever you need
To make you feel better or help you succeed...
Some advice or a hug or a kind thoughtful deed
It's always one hundred percent guaranteed:
Who loves you most?
It's your mom.

Happy Birthday to the best mom in the world. Thanks!
Dane

Sometimes It's a Bitch -- Stevie Nicks (my song for the week)

Well I've run thru rainbows and castles of candy
And I've cried a river of tears from the pain
I try to dance with what life has to hand me
My partner's been pleasure, my partner's been pain


There are days when I swear I could fly like an eagle
and dark, desperate hours that nobody sees
My arms stretched triumphant on top of the mountain
My head in my hands, down on my knees

Chorus:
Sometimes it's a bitch, sometimes it's a breeze
Sometimes love's blind and sometimes it sees
Sometimes it's roses, but sometimes it's weeds
Sometimes it's a bitch...but sometimes...it's a breeze

I've reached in darkness and come out with treasures
I've laid down with love and I've woke up with lies
What's it all worth? - Only the heart can measure
It's not what's in the mirror, but what's left inside

you've gotta take it as it comes......
Sometimes it don't come easy.......

Well I've run thru rainbows and castles of candy
I've cried a river of tears from the pain
I've tried to dance with what life had to hand me
And if I could, I'd do it all over again

Sometimes it's a bitch, sometimes it's a breeze
Sometimes the picture just ain't what it seems
you get what you want but it's not what you need
Sometimes it's a bitch and sometimes....it's a breeze

Sometimes it's a breeze

March 1, 2010 -- Down and out in Gilbert, Arizona...

Do you ever have moments when you feel like you are on the verge of something big -- not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing, but more of a life altering thing? I'm feeling like that today.

I had a fantatic weekend. I was surrounded by love -- friends and family -- and couldn't have asked for more. I turned 35 years old. I love getting older, I do. Dane, Cole, Justin and I participated in the Heart and Stroke walk, then we had a birthday BBQ. Yesterday we went out to the Phoenix Open (people watching at it's best.) It was great. Today, is Monday which means that the boys go back to their dad's today. I know myself well enough to know that these days always have me feeling really down. My house seems too quiet. I do their laundry and pick up what remains of their toys and feel like they will never be home soon enough. I cry every other Monday. It's not a wailing sad cry -- more of a somber bittersweet feeling. I've come to accept it.

Anyway, Monday's also tend to have me reassess my situation - and undoubtedly freak out about how much I have going on. I have ONE week to stdy for this bitch of a test. I realized I didn't remember to do my case study for the week. I'm feeling so out of control at school. There are clinicals --where we have to do a write up and a care plan -- and then there is class where there are case studies and tests. Friday I have to do a teaching booth on smoking cessation, so I'm working on the materials for that and I'm just overwhelmed. I don't know how I'm going to get any of this done...and I work Thursday and Saturday. ARGH!!!!! I know that I want to be a nurse, but I am afraid that I will never get there. I think nursing school is killing the drive I have had in the past. It scares me how much I think of throwing in the towel.

In addition to that -- the boys both have started football. There is just no way that I can get them to practice (or Justin can get them to practice.) I don't know what I'm going to do. I emailed Joel to see if he can help -- if not, I'm wondering if I should just pull Cole (practices are at 5 at a park 20 minutes away...on Wed when I'm in clinicals until 6:30 and Thursdays when I work until 7:30.) It all makes my heart beat too fast and anxiety to start to rule my world.

Then there is the wedding -- and trying to plan that. We are supposed to be going to Rocky Point in a couple weeks and the boys passports still aren't here. How in the world am I going to plan for and pay for a wedding, anyway? And, then of course a flood of questions and scenarios flood my already over processed brain and I question far too much which leaves me again in a bundle of nerves and scared of the future, instead of anticipating it. What does *that* say about me?

Ahhh CALGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to get control of my life. I know I need to simplify, but I really don't know what can be simplified at this point. Can I make it? Really, can I?