At the risk of COMPLETELY cheesing out....for Justin

Happy March

Today is a new day....

Guess this means you're sorry
You're standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
All you said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you'd never come back
But here you are again

(Chorus)
Cuz we belong together now, yea
Forever united here somehow, yea
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Maybe I was stupid
For telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong
For tryin' to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way I found out I'm nothing without you

(Chorus)

Being with you is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn't miss you,
But I can't let you go,
Oh yeah

Cuz we belong together now, yea yea
Forever united here somehow, yea
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

Cuz we belong (yeah) together now (together now), (yeah)
Forever united here somehow, yea
You got a piece of Me And honestly
My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

****************************************************

That is such a great song -- it reminds me greatly of Justin and I... LOL....we have our issues...dysfunction....but we make it work...and he makes me happy....I am scared to give him my all...but slowly, we are getting there.

*******************************************************

Last night I went out with Justin, Debbie and Erika...and it was great. We danced. We laughed. We toasted. We hugged. It was REALLY fun. We met a couple through Deb...they ended up taking us home. She ended up calling me today. It's scary making new friends. I've had the same friends for my entire life...I am very happy to meet new people that I have a connection with...and she was fun....so we will see...I have changed so much. Life is new. Full of promise and hope.

...

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you are on the edge of a panic attack all day? That's how I feel today. I'm a bit overwhelmed right now.

Tonight Cole is having some classmates for a party at Peter Piper Pizza...which is fine and dandy except i really don't know how many kids are coming. My phone has been out of order for a while now (grrrrrrrrr Vonage)........... so it will be interesting to see. Also, money is extremely tight -- so I have to wait for Justin to get home to go out and get decorations -- and buy a gift from Dane to Cole....which brings me to the cake that you have to order 24 hours in advance and, well, we didn't. Right now, Cole's at Grandma's shopping for his birthday -- he was very excited to be spending time with her. I have to go and pick him up -- which leads me to the frickin Interlock on my car that somehow is now registering -2 days instead of the 16 that should be one there....THEREFORE Justin has to bring my car in -- cause I work the next four days in a row. Wahhhhhhhhhhh Oh, and Dane apparently had football practice last night -- which I didn't know the day changed, and he didn't make it -- which led to a lovely email from his coach and a futher buttplug from my dear exhusband. I'm constantly hungry -- have a period right now that is challenging medical knowhow on whether or not you actually can die from blood loss during *that* time of the month. And, I am SO emotional...needy as all GET out for Justin....can't get enough...I literally wish he could live inside me (not...what I mean, perverts)....and I know that isn't healthy...and what IS IT with me crying thru the entire show of American Idol... Hi, I'm an emotional wreck....and school is going to start again -- I had such big plans of getting my reading caught up and my paper written over Spring Break-- none of which I've done....Oh vey....

Xanax...here comes Mama!

My brother just told me that as he was driving the boys home the other night (he was babysitting while I was at class).... he pulled up and my American flag was blowing in the wind....he said,

"Oh look, you are American"

and Dane responded, proudly, "Yes"

and Cole said, "NO...My mom's a DEMOCRAT"

Dane said "Cole we are ALL American...."

....and Cole said, "MOM is a DEMOCRAT!"

I think that is funny -- no matter which way you look at it....LOL

Q&A with Cole (almost 6) and Dane (8)...asked individually....

1. What is something mom always says to you?
C: "i love you"
D: "i love you" (Yippeeeee, I succeed!)

2. What makes mom happy?
C: "when I do nice things for you"
D: "us being good"

3. What makes mom sad?
C: "when we're gone and you don't get to see us in a long time" (*tears*)
D: "when we are really mean to you"

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
C: "if we surprise you and you scream like "ahhhh"-- like on your birthday -- remember?"
D: "tickle me"

5. What was your mom like as a child?
C: "I do not know!"
D: "um, a great kid" (definitely, totally, gonna take that one and run with it!)

6. How old is your mom?
C: "34"
D: "33" (Dane forgot it was just my birthday)

7. How tall is your mom?
C: "6?" (lol)
D: "5'9" (my spirit is tall)

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
C: "spending time with us"
D: "love us" (AGAIN SUCCESSS!!!!!!!!!!!)

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
C: "just sit around and do homework"
D: "study" (ugh)

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
C: "Movie"
D: "Um, wait what?" "Oh, famous, ummmmm....I dont' have an answer for that -- being the most loving mom?" (cutie pie)

11. What is your mom really good at?
C: "loving us"
D: "you're good at loving" (SUCCESS!!! AGAIN! YEAH ME!)

12. What is your mom not very good at?
C: "playing sports"
D: "um, playing football" (What the heck! Don't they know I was all point girl at Hopi?!)

13. What does your mom do for her job?
C: "you like work and do like, you just like sit around and do stuff"" (yup)
D: "nurse" (almost, baby....almost)

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
C: "crab"
D: "ha! Hey! I think it's stroganoff" (Hamburger helper....it's more like THEIR fav!)

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
C: "When you do nice things for us"
D: "You make me proud by doing good on your nursing tests" (Nothin like pressure from your 8 year old)

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
C: "Cartoon network" (i'm the biggest of the big the best of the best)
D: "Daffy" LMAO

17. What do you and your mom do together?
C: "spend time and do stuff that's fun"
D: "go out to dinner"

18. How are you and your mom the same?
C: "our hair kind of looks the same" (lol - not even, but ok)
D: "you and me? we love each other" (mushy alert!)

19. How are you and your mom different?
C: "um, youre a girl and I'm a boy"
D: "um, cause you are older than me"

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
C: "it's because, um, um, I'm your, like, son and you always love me."
D: "cause you always say so!" (S-U-C-C-E-S-S)

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
C: "to my birthday"
D: "home" (you have no idea how true that is)

Final quote from Cole:"I play sports"
Final quote from Dane: "i love you so much"

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Pray big; God will grant big things if you ask for them and are big enough to receive them"

I decided to fix the oh so empty looking book holder on my desk left deserted by the "Rebuilding" book....and bought a new book.... Positive Thinking Every Day by Normal Vincent Peale.

This was today's quote.

I am a prayer. I pray in good times, happy times, scary times and most definitely in sad times. WHO I pray to changes frequently. I do believe in God -- I was raised Catholic and still hold many of those sacred fundamentals in my heart -- but I also pray to my dad -- to Aaron -- and often, to Mary.

I'm thinking this Mary chick may have the key to my happiness. She's one tough lady -- and I am hoping that she sees a struggling mother trying to make a better way for herself, her children and her man. If I work hard enough and be the best person I know how to be, she might sneak in a good word with the Big One himself on merit alone. Who knows?

For today -- my big prayers, as the quote suggests, are about happiness. Please let me be happy. Let me pass my test tomorrow (which translates into make me get off the computer and study). Let Justin and I work thru the stupid things -- realize not to sweat the small stuff. Let the boys know how much I love them...and that all the time I spend in class, at work, in alcohol classes, etc is going to eventually come to a point where it is much more manageable. Please make me see that the top of the mountain, or at least this peak, is not far at all...let my family continue to be healthy -- and supportive of me. I literally could not do it without them all...

So...today -- I do have big prayers....and I believe God can grant them..."if I'm big enough" well hell, the scale told me I've got that handled!

Oof!

My gift on my 34th birthday

How To Make A Beautiful Life
*Reflections for a daughter on her birthday*

Love yourself.
MAKE PEACE with who you are
and where you are
at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.
If you can't hear what it's saying
in this noisy world,
MAKE TIME for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.
Take chances.
MAKE MISTAKES.
Life can be messy
and confusing at times,
but it's also full of surprises.
The next rock in your path
might be your stepping-stone.

Be happy.
When you don't have what you want,
want what you have.
MAKE DO.
That's a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.
To know where you're going
is only part of it.
You need to know where you've been, too.
And if you ever get lost, don't worry.
The people who love you will find you.
Count on it.

Life isn't days and years.
It's what you do with time
and with all the goodness and grace
that's inside you.
MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE...
The kind of life you deserve.

I love you, babygirl!
Your Momma