It's so scary. I don't know what is happening to the world right now....if it is pollutants, our diets, the sun, perhaps it is just an advance in medical science making detection more efficient and earlier. I suppose I could be positive about that -- more people ARE surviving cancer. But, yet so many are diagnosed and many lose the fight.
My mother-in-law had breast cancer. That's about the closest I've felt it in my immediate family. Many people have had skin cancers removed, too. But cancer always seemed to happen to someone else's family. Yet, now one of my dearest friends mother is dying of ovarian cancer. She is 52. She has been moved into hospice and they are treating her pain. I am consumed with thoughts of her -- and of whom she leaves behind -- her husband, and 3 kids... She's an amazing woman. I haven't come across many people who have NO JUDGEMENT of their neighbor. She is always smiling -- open arms. She challenges you to open yourself to possibilities and live life. My friend, her daughter, said that maybe the truly blessed people on this earth do their work quickly and then are free to leave us. It's an interesting thought. Among all the sadness her death will bring, she still brings a perfect calm and wondrous curiosity to the end.
She is a beautiful woman -- inspiring and strong -- and she is dying of cancer. She's a true patriot, proud of her country and worried about it's future -- and she is dying of cancer. She is a dignified feminist ---determined to give women strength whether they are in the workforce or buried under dirty dishes and even dirtier underwear -- and she is dying of cancer. She is a friend to every single person that she meets -- welcoming them into Harmony House for a beer, a serious talk or a jump on the trampoline -- and she is dying of cancer. She is a hippie -- fun loving, open and free -- not only is she free in her heart and mind, but her spirit soars -- and she is dying of cancer. She is a truly remarkable person, who has found her soul mate and celebrated their love with all their quirks and silly affections and she is dying of cancer. She is a mother -- a quiet and resilient backbone-- always there to help guide her children without pushing them -- and she is dying of cancer.
Cancer will eventually take Sue but her life will go on in all of us...in all she taught us...all she has given. I hate cancer for taking her life -- but I am forever grateful she touched mine.
(Sue passed away at 4:40am on November 4, 2005 with her daughter and her sister at her side)
Monday, October 31, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Questions emailed to me:
1) My uncle once: Actually looked behind my ears to see if I was washing well enough in the shower -- I was about 7. Sure, it was a silly joke....but it scared me....and the area behind my ears was rubbed raw for a year after. (really)
2) Never again in my life: Will I take the ability to reproduce for granted
3) When I was five: We moved to AZ....from NE
4) High School was: so much fun...so easy....
5) I will never forget: finding out I was pregnant each time.... or 9/11
6) I once met: Tiger Woods
7) There's this girl I know who: takes advantage of all her friends, makes horrible decisions and I still love her
8) Once, at a bar: I passed out in the bathroom -- it was the ONLY woman's bathroom....and they had to break the door down to get me out. (proud moment....NOT) I'm still scared to return to San Francisco...they might recognize me.
10) Last night I: went to one of my best friends for dinner and girl talk with a couple other long time friends.
11) If I had only: gone hiking with Aaron, maybe he'd still be alive? Maybe he would have taken a different path...or maybe I would have taken his?
12) Next time I go to church: It’ll be a Sunday. Not THIS Sunday, but a Sunday
13) What worries me most: Losing my kids or Joel
14) When I turn my head right: I see cream cheese that needs to be put away
15) When I turn my head left: I see my calendar....and a very cute picture of keegan
16) You know I'm lying when: my mom swears my cheeks get red.....I don't know what she's talking about.
17) You know what I miss most about the eighties: the music
18) If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I'd be: a mute -- who the hell can talk in Shakespeareian times?
19) By this time, next year: I'll be back in nursing school
20) A better name for me would be: Kristen the wonder dog
21) I have a hard time understanding: Depression
22) If I ever go back to school I'll: be on the road to a dream coming true.
23) You know I like you if: I give you a hard time. Really.....if I give you any time at all.
24) If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: my husband for putting up with me -- and then definitely my parents cause they deserve any amount of thanks....
25) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferarro are: famous people who should have lunch together in heaven. Well, when all of them get there.
26) Take my advice, never: stay in an abusive relationship
27) My ideal breakfast is: eggs benedict -- that someone else makes and cleans up
28) A song I love, but do not have is: "Small, shy, oh my, oh my! Won't even TRY to make something out of himself. But when you look, laugh, da da da da da, the poor little silly shy smurrrrf" (can't find it anywhere...LOL)
29) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: is Hastings my hometown? I mean being born there? If so, go to the cabin there....or visit the cemetary....that's pretty much all we ever do.
30) Why won't anyone: Move over to the slow lane on the freeway?
31) If you spend the night at my house, DO: Make yourself at home.
32) I'd stop my wedding for: ....any life threatening emergency.
33) The world could do without: Paris Hilton, or any mention of her.
34) I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: uh, lick a used condom. LOL
35) My favorite blonde is: ME! :-)
36) Paperclips are more useful than: staples, at least sometimes.
37) San Diego means: An escape....
38) And by the way: I like comments on my blog. :-)
2) Never again in my life: Will I take the ability to reproduce for granted
3) When I was five: We moved to AZ....from NE
4) High School was: so much fun...so easy....
5) I will never forget: finding out I was pregnant each time.... or 9/11
6) I once met: Tiger Woods
7) There's this girl I know who: takes advantage of all her friends, makes horrible decisions and I still love her
8) Once, at a bar: I passed out in the bathroom -- it was the ONLY woman's bathroom....and they had to break the door down to get me out. (proud moment....NOT) I'm still scared to return to San Francisco...they might recognize me.
10) Last night I: went to one of my best friends for dinner and girl talk with a couple other long time friends.
11) If I had only: gone hiking with Aaron, maybe he'd still be alive? Maybe he would have taken a different path...or maybe I would have taken his?
12) Next time I go to church: It’ll be a Sunday. Not THIS Sunday, but a Sunday
13) What worries me most: Losing my kids or Joel
14) When I turn my head right: I see cream cheese that needs to be put away
15) When I turn my head left: I see my calendar....and a very cute picture of keegan
16) You know I'm lying when: my mom swears my cheeks get red.....I don't know what she's talking about.
17) You know what I miss most about the eighties: the music
18) If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I'd be: a mute -- who the hell can talk in Shakespeareian times?
19) By this time, next year: I'll be back in nursing school
20) A better name for me would be: Kristen the wonder dog
21) I have a hard time understanding: Depression
22) If I ever go back to school I'll: be on the road to a dream coming true.
23) You know I like you if: I give you a hard time. Really.....if I give you any time at all.
24) If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: my husband for putting up with me -- and then definitely my parents cause they deserve any amount of thanks....
25) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferarro are: famous people who should have lunch together in heaven. Well, when all of them get there.
26) Take my advice, never: stay in an abusive relationship
27) My ideal breakfast is: eggs benedict -- that someone else makes and cleans up
28) A song I love, but do not have is: "Small, shy, oh my, oh my! Won't even TRY to make something out of himself. But when you look, laugh, da da da da da, the poor little silly shy smurrrrf" (can't find it anywhere...LOL)
29) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: is Hastings my hometown? I mean being born there? If so, go to the cabin there....or visit the cemetary....that's pretty much all we ever do.
30) Why won't anyone: Move over to the slow lane on the freeway?
31) If you spend the night at my house, DO: Make yourself at home.
32) I'd stop my wedding for: ....any life threatening emergency.
33) The world could do without: Paris Hilton, or any mention of her.
34) I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: uh, lick a used condom. LOL
35) My favorite blonde is: ME! :-)
36) Paperclips are more useful than: staples, at least sometimes.
37) San Diego means: An escape....
38) And by the way: I like comments on my blog. :-)
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
The Woman was just TIRED (m)
Rosa Park died yesterday -- at 92. She was my grandmother's age when she passed...which makes me wonder if 92 is a secret club for all the beautiful women in the world.
She is ya know....beautiful. But I am sure that is probably the last thing she would want to be remembered for.
I remember reading about Ms. Parks when I was in about 6th grade. I thought THEN what a brave woman... I admit I probably don't know enough about the woman today --although I have always thought she was remarkable. Today I find her VERY courageous...because what she did was not for anything but honor and respect of people, it wasn't about the media or selfish attention that plagues all the newsstories today....it was about justice, equality and fairness when it wasn't popular to demand them. Courage is being afraid to do something, knowing the consequences could be dire, yet doing it anyway.
Look up Courage in the dictionary and you will find Rosa Parks on Dec. 1, 1955.
She was 42 when she refused to give up her seat. She had been working all day as a seamstress and was just flat ass tired. She was sitting in the designated "colored" seats, minding her own business, obeying the laws of the time....probably thinking about what work lied ahead when she returned home... She was asked to get up and let a white man take her seat... I don't know what she was thinking. It could have simply been that she was tired after a long day...but I'm guessing she was TIRED beyond that. Tired of the way the world viewed her. Tired that they didn't see a beautiful, strong or capable woman...but that they saw a BLACK woman. She WAS the secretary of the NAACP -- which is a pretty amazing thing -- and had a supportive husband who years earlier challenged her to return to school and get a highschool degree (which she did)..she was determined and smart. She was simply not going to stand for it anymore. In a primitive sense...IT JUST DIDN'T MAKE SENSE TO HER. Slavery was suppose to have ended nearly 100 years earlier! When the busdriver told her she was going to be arrested she calmly replied, "you may go and do so." And thus ensued a movement, which started quietly, yet brought about a booming change.
Gracious. Proud. Courageous.
So, it's time to pass the torch -- hopefully the people who will continue to run with it will do it without unneccesary personal agendas or media fanfair...
yes, it's time to rest, Ms. Parks....
wherever it is you may choose.
She is ya know....beautiful. But I am sure that is probably the last thing she would want to be remembered for.
I remember reading about Ms. Parks when I was in about 6th grade. I thought THEN what a brave woman... I admit I probably don't know enough about the woman today --although I have always thought she was remarkable. Today I find her VERY courageous...because what she did was not for anything but honor and respect of people, it wasn't about the media or selfish attention that plagues all the newsstories today....it was about justice, equality and fairness when it wasn't popular to demand them. Courage is being afraid to do something, knowing the consequences could be dire, yet doing it anyway.
Look up Courage in the dictionary and you will find Rosa Parks on Dec. 1, 1955.
She was 42 when she refused to give up her seat. She had been working all day as a seamstress and was just flat ass tired. She was sitting in the designated "colored" seats, minding her own business, obeying the laws of the time....probably thinking about what work lied ahead when she returned home... She was asked to get up and let a white man take her seat... I don't know what she was thinking. It could have simply been that she was tired after a long day...but I'm guessing she was TIRED beyond that. Tired of the way the world viewed her. Tired that they didn't see a beautiful, strong or capable woman...but that they saw a BLACK woman. She WAS the secretary of the NAACP -- which is a pretty amazing thing -- and had a supportive husband who years earlier challenged her to return to school and get a highschool degree (which she did)..she was determined and smart. She was simply not going to stand for it anymore. In a primitive sense...IT JUST DIDN'T MAKE SENSE TO HER. Slavery was suppose to have ended nearly 100 years earlier! When the busdriver told her she was going to be arrested she calmly replied, "you may go and do so." And thus ensued a movement, which started quietly, yet brought about a booming change.
Gracious. Proud. Courageous.
So, it's time to pass the torch -- hopefully the people who will continue to run with it will do it without unneccesary personal agendas or media fanfair...
yes, it's time to rest, Ms. Parks....
wherever it is you may choose.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Would YOU be concerned?
The morning started out just as every morning does....we are getting ready for school...Dane's dressed, fed...as are the fish. In fact, I'm so ahead of the game that the beds are made and a load of laundry is in. Dane is waiting to be picked up and goes back into his room to play. It become awfully quiet (clearly trouble in the N****** household)...so I go and look for him and this is what I find....
He tells me he is getting ready for Halloween (not sure how, but that's what he says)....and his life flashes before my eyes....he's picturing trick or treating and being silly, I'm picturing a mass murderer. Come on, you've heard all about it -- these kids have patterns....it starts with torturing animals.... they never talk about what happened before THAT...perhaps it IS stuffed animal abuse?!
hehehehehehe........................
He tells me he is getting ready for Halloween (not sure how, but that's what he says)....and his life flashes before my eyes....he's picturing trick or treating and being silly, I'm picturing a mass murderer. Come on, you've heard all about it -- these kids have patterns....it starts with torturing animals.... they never talk about what happened before THAT...perhaps it IS stuffed animal abuse?!
hehehehehehe........................
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
"How can you have children, feel the miracle of it all, and call yourself Pro Choice?"
It's a real question that was posed to me this morning....I guess I don't understand why that is difficult for some people to understand.
Yes, I have had children. I have felt the miracle. But absolutely, 100%, I am pro choice and will continue to speak for, vote for and contribute to the cause.
I know that I will not change anyone's mind about whether or not a woman should have the right to abort their child...it's a deep rooted issue that strikes the very heart of many people. However, taking away a woman's right to be in charge of what happens to her body doesn't seem to be the right answer. To me...THAT is what being Pro-Choice is...it is not being pro-abortion or "kill the babies" in any sense of the word. It is being pro WOMAN, pro CHOICE and anti government and establishment. We have seperation of church and state...yet many of those same people think they have a right to push their "church and state" on a woman's private life. It seems that striking out against the abortion clinics, doctors, and women (and families) going thru this time in their life is like blowing out the candle after the whole house is on fire...(I just came up with that, come on, run with it...) Why aren't all these vigilanties fighting just as hard for sex ed -- for abstinance, for birth control, for knowledge?
Anyway back to the question at hand...and to me (my blog, I can do that...)
There was a time when I had some cells in my uterus that weren't usually there. I, lovingly, called these cells "my baby", and spent much of my time planning the future that they would have, once they finished developing into a human being. I longed for my child to enter this world and bless me with the amazement of life. yet, there were other women, at that exact same time, with similar cells, that planned how to remove those cells as quickly and painlessly as possible. I understand that is difficult for some people to think about -- even to read about -- but it's reality. To put it simply...My choice -- and, their choice.
A common pro-life argument is to seize gleefully on the similarities between the two groups of cells and demand knowing how you could possibly justify the vastly different ways of treating them. If the fetus has no value, they ask, why do pregnant women often feel a close bond with their unborn babies? If it's nothing more than a bunch of cells, then why can a miscarriage be so devastating? Tempting as it is to dismiss this as so much irrelevance, it's worth exploring the apparent contradiction for the insights it can offer into what pro-choice really means.
I truly believe that my baby, in it's primitive stage, was not yet a human being. Even with special care, it would be very unlikely to be capable of surviving on its own if it were to have been removed from my body at an early stage. It needed my bloodstream and my uterus to even have the chance of becoming a human being. Although genetically distinct from me, it is not unreasonable to view it as a part of my body. Sure, a part that could, given the right conditions and time, become a separate person...but until that happened, that child was a part of me.
We all see our bodies differently, and we all give different values to different parts. Some people welcome body hair because of the cultural value it has; others remove it for much the same reasons. A transsexual man could be delighted at the removal of his breasts; a woman with breast cancer is more likely to feel mutilated and devastated. The same body parts, but very different reactions.
The cells inside the uterus are just another example. I gave mine a very high value and watched their development with delight; other women give theirs a low value and couldn't wait to be rid of them. The belief that we both have the right to assign value to our own bodies for ourselves is the essence of being pro-choice. If a woman places a high value on her fetus, removing it against her will is just as unacceptable as forcing a woman to retain, against her will, a fetus she gives a low value to.
This is partly why miscarriage can be so devastating. I have had a miscarriage and I have felt it's affects. But see, I anticipated, with great joy the time when my fetus would become a full-fledged human being. I gave those cells a great deal of value -- they were a dream come true for my husband and I. And, when they stopped growing, I lost a part of myself that I loved and I welcomed, therefore I naturally felt a huge degree of grief.
The contradiction turns out to be no contradiction at all. I cared passionately about my babies; every sign of movement and further growth brought me a little extra joy. But it simply doesn't bring that joy to every woman, and those for whom it would mean nothing but discomfort should be able to make a different choice.
"A world full of wanted children can make a world of difference."
Yes, I have had children. I have felt the miracle. But absolutely, 100%, I am pro choice and will continue to speak for, vote for and contribute to the cause.
I know that I will not change anyone's mind about whether or not a woman should have the right to abort their child...it's a deep rooted issue that strikes the very heart of many people. However, taking away a woman's right to be in charge of what happens to her body doesn't seem to be the right answer. To me...THAT is what being Pro-Choice is...it is not being pro-abortion or "kill the babies" in any sense of the word. It is being pro WOMAN, pro CHOICE and anti government and establishment. We have seperation of church and state...yet many of those same people think they have a right to push their "church and state" on a woman's private life. It seems that striking out against the abortion clinics, doctors, and women (and families) going thru this time in their life is like blowing out the candle after the whole house is on fire...(I just came up with that, come on, run with it...) Why aren't all these vigilanties fighting just as hard for sex ed -- for abstinance, for birth control, for knowledge?
Anyway back to the question at hand...and to me (my blog, I can do that...)
There was a time when I had some cells in my uterus that weren't usually there. I, lovingly, called these cells "my baby", and spent much of my time planning the future that they would have, once they finished developing into a human being. I longed for my child to enter this world and bless me with the amazement of life. yet, there were other women, at that exact same time, with similar cells, that planned how to remove those cells as quickly and painlessly as possible. I understand that is difficult for some people to think about -- even to read about -- but it's reality. To put it simply...My choice -- and, their choice.
A common pro-life argument is to seize gleefully on the similarities between the two groups of cells and demand knowing how you could possibly justify the vastly different ways of treating them. If the fetus has no value, they ask, why do pregnant women often feel a close bond with their unborn babies? If it's nothing more than a bunch of cells, then why can a miscarriage be so devastating? Tempting as it is to dismiss this as so much irrelevance, it's worth exploring the apparent contradiction for the insights it can offer into what pro-choice really means.
I truly believe that my baby, in it's primitive stage, was not yet a human being. Even with special care, it would be very unlikely to be capable of surviving on its own if it were to have been removed from my body at an early stage. It needed my bloodstream and my uterus to even have the chance of becoming a human being. Although genetically distinct from me, it is not unreasonable to view it as a part of my body. Sure, a part that could, given the right conditions and time, become a separate person...but until that happened, that child was a part of me.
We all see our bodies differently, and we all give different values to different parts. Some people welcome body hair because of the cultural value it has; others remove it for much the same reasons. A transsexual man could be delighted at the removal of his breasts; a woman with breast cancer is more likely to feel mutilated and devastated. The same body parts, but very different reactions.
The cells inside the uterus are just another example. I gave mine a very high value and watched their development with delight; other women give theirs a low value and couldn't wait to be rid of them. The belief that we both have the right to assign value to our own bodies for ourselves is the essence of being pro-choice. If a woman places a high value on her fetus, removing it against her will is just as unacceptable as forcing a woman to retain, against her will, a fetus she gives a low value to.
This is partly why miscarriage can be so devastating. I have had a miscarriage and I have felt it's affects. But see, I anticipated, with great joy the time when my fetus would become a full-fledged human being. I gave those cells a great deal of value -- they were a dream come true for my husband and I. And, when they stopped growing, I lost a part of myself that I loved and I welcomed, therefore I naturally felt a huge degree of grief.
The contradiction turns out to be no contradiction at all. I cared passionately about my babies; every sign of movement and further growth brought me a little extra joy. But it simply doesn't bring that joy to every woman, and those for whom it would mean nothing but discomfort should be able to make a different choice.
"A world full of wanted children can make a world of difference."
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
A Bike Ride Beauty...
It's finally starting to cool off -- finally. I just got back from taking my kiddos on a long bike ride...
And, there they were, donning their safety gear...smiles on their faces, a cool 73 degree breeze on their faces, giggling... the birds were chirping, otherwise it was silent...just me and my boys, not a care in the world.
Sounds like heaven, huh?
UGH! It was a NIGHTMARE!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Ok, so Dane is on a new big boy bike....and he is scared that the training wheels won't hold up. He continuously is telling me, "I think I'm falling"...I tell him gently that he won't...the first 50 times...pretty soon it turned into a harsh, "Oh who cares...you are fully decked out in safety gear...just FALL then, it might be a thrill!!!" (clearly, mother of the year)....then there is Cole...OH MY GOSH....well, he's 2 1/2....clearly not ready for the Tour de France. First of all, I think that the seat was a bit too high...but that would have required me to bust out the tools to lower it....so what the hell....I figure he'd make do....NOT! So instead of pushing the pedals FORWARD, he keeps pushing them backwards......if you recall, from the days of yonder, pushing the pedals backward makes the BRAKES work....so, after about 20 minutes, I found that if I gently pushed on his back, the pedals usually just continue forward and we can at least make the damn thing go..........Oh, but wait! You must STEER this thing!! Interesting fact: if you are looking down at your feet, you logistically cannot look ahead. This is a big lesson in design, direction and kinetic motion for a 2 year old. An hour later...yes an HOUR...I end up just dragging him down the road...see, he won't get off the thing. When I physically remove him from his Harley Davidson (yep, it's a Harley...) he proceeds to throw the hugest, loudest, fit any two year old can throw...surely waking up all the neighborhood and even providing comedy for the grounds keeping crew. So there I am....in a full blown sweat...cursing under my breath (perhaps above it too) dragging a two year old down the street on his bike...occasionally running ahead to remove whatever sidewalk barrier Dane thinks is dooming his fate...and SWEARING to NEVER be a nice mommy and take my kids on a bike ride again.
It's 9:30 am......is it too early for a cocktail?????????????
And, there they were, donning their safety gear...smiles on their faces, a cool 73 degree breeze on their faces, giggling... the birds were chirping, otherwise it was silent...just me and my boys, not a care in the world.
Sounds like heaven, huh?
UGH! It was a NIGHTMARE!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Ok, so Dane is on a new big boy bike....and he is scared that the training wheels won't hold up. He continuously is telling me, "I think I'm falling"...I tell him gently that he won't...the first 50 times...pretty soon it turned into a harsh, "Oh who cares...you are fully decked out in safety gear...just FALL then, it might be a thrill!!!" (clearly, mother of the year)....then there is Cole...OH MY GOSH....well, he's 2 1/2....clearly not ready for the Tour de France. First of all, I think that the seat was a bit too high...but that would have required me to bust out the tools to lower it....so what the hell....I figure he'd make do....NOT! So instead of pushing the pedals FORWARD, he keeps pushing them backwards......if you recall, from the days of yonder, pushing the pedals backward makes the BRAKES work....so, after about 20 minutes, I found that if I gently pushed on his back, the pedals usually just continue forward and we can at least make the damn thing go..........Oh, but wait! You must STEER this thing!! Interesting fact: if you are looking down at your feet, you logistically cannot look ahead. This is a big lesson in design, direction and kinetic motion for a 2 year old. An hour later...yes an HOUR...I end up just dragging him down the road...see, he won't get off the thing. When I physically remove him from his Harley Davidson (yep, it's a Harley...) he proceeds to throw the hugest, loudest, fit any two year old can throw...surely waking up all the neighborhood and even providing comedy for the grounds keeping crew. So there I am....in a full blown sweat...cursing under my breath (perhaps above it too) dragging a two year old down the street on his bike...occasionally running ahead to remove whatever sidewalk barrier Dane thinks is dooming his fate...and SWEARING to NEVER be a nice mommy and take my kids on a bike ride again.
It's 9:30 am......is it too early for a cocktail?????????????
Monday, October 10, 2005
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