A dear friend of mine (going thru a divorce) made a comment that I just can't get out of my mind.

It was about cheating. Her situation is awfully tough. She found out that her husband had been having an affair -- and even had a child with this woman. It gets deeper and more complicated but I just wanted to lay the groundwork. I love my friend. She is witty and spunky. She is brave in the face of adversity and a tough cookie who stands firm in her beliefs. In a "discussion" another friend commented that she knew this woman who's husband just up and left her after 10 years of marriage and 3 kids -- more so, he wiped out the bank account and is nowhere to be found. In response to her, my dear friend, commented that she didn't understand cheaters -- how they could cheat on their spouse but on their children too....

...how they could cheat on their spouse but on their children too....

and I felt the unexplainable urge to write. :-) I'm not making excuses or hoping for a reprieve...everyone has a different situation, but I wanted to explain something to her. I am not very eloquent in my writing, especially when my emotions are on my sleeve, but I want to try.

...how they could cheat on their spouse but on their children too....

Ouch..... (breeeeeeeeathe)

OK, I do feel like I cheated on my relationship. Correction: I did cheat (ownership...) I started talking to Justin while Joel and I were still in our facade of a perfect relationship. I didn't physically betray my husband until he left the house, however, I was very emotionally interested in Justin, so why split hairs. And, of course, I was-- as Joel was -- in a sexual/emotional relationship long before the divorce was final.

I, however, do NOT feel like I cheated on my children. I may have cheated them out of a 2 parent household, perhaps, but also may have blessed them with 2 - 2 parent households filled with real love, honor and happiness. I can't vouch for Joel's house -- although they have been together 2 and a half years -- but I can say that I am HAPPY in my relationship now and my boys see it. My life is far more difficult -- but I want to walk this road with Justin by my side until we make this life of ours easier. I would rather be in a 1 bedroom apartment, taking the bus to work knowing that I was coming home to Justin's arms of love than be where I was before. See, before there was a lot of being happy "for them" -- for my children, my parents, my friends, my family, etc... and it left me in tears almost nightly in the end.

Joel was NOT a bad person but we fell out of love. Something so simple and yet so complicated. WE both gave up at least a year before we separated, maybe even two years before. Should we have stuck it out -- oh who really cares now? It's not worth questioning that when we are nowhere near the same people we were back then. The fact is when I get home I am truly happy to be in Justin's arms. And when I see my boys bounce through those doors, I know they are happy too. And, when we tuck them into bed at night and they tell Justin and I that they love us...it all makes sense to me.

It's difficult not being with them day in and day out -- but I hope that their lives are full of love and happiness over there as well. Someday my children will figure out the timeline of things....and understand that Justin and Jen came into our lives pre-divorce, under some sticky circumstances and I hope that they ask me about it. It was never about the sneaky, cheating, affair type of thing in either of our situations -- but it was sad. And difficult. I want them to know that our relationship wasn't always bad, too -- and, more than anything, I want to teach them that they need to work on the relationships they are in so they don't find themselves in the situation we were. WORK on it...everyday. Every minute. And lose the ego. There is no room for pigheadedness in a marriage. Ever.

There were a lot of hurt feelings and confusion. A lot of pain and tears. But I like to hope that Joel and I carried the majority of that burden and that my children escaped as unharmed as they could have in that situation. We both love those boys more than anything in the world. And I really want the world to know that simply because I fell out of love with their father -- we made a different kind of vow in our marriage -- and that was to be the best parents we could be to our two boys. We promised to love them and respect them. We promised to teach them, learn from them, and overall love them. And, in that case, we are winners. Joel and I -- forever together, in a strange way -- if only for the love of our children. And we NEVER will stop working at that.

A great song -- The Last 10 Years -- Kenny Rogers

Oh, the last ten years, it's been quite trip
Over thirty-six-hundred spins around without a cosmic slip
But within the realm of our atmosphere
We're 'bout as out of whack as we've ever been in a million years
We watched the Y2K scare in a panic
An' we watched as time proved Nostrodamus wrong
An' we watched as Mother Nature shook the planet
An' cellular replaced the telephone
We lost Charlie Brown, Ray Charles an' Johnny Cash
We even lost Superman, mhm.

Well, the last ten years, look at the hills we've climbed
The best golfer's black, the best rapper's white an' it's about damn time
But we best beware, there's a brand new fight, you see
An' I hate to say we might be our own worst enemy
We watched Oklahoma sifting through the damage
An' we watched a US President get caught
We watched shareholders watch their savings vanish
We all cried when we watched those towers fall
We lost Minnie Pearl, Ron Reagan and Sam I Am
We even lost Superman, mhm.

Expensive gas an' free downloads
The dot-com boom, an' reality shows
What's gonna happen next is anybody's guess
Satellite radio and hybrid cars
Hand-held computers an' a trip to Mars
It's all become a part of who we are
In the last ten years.

In the last ten years
We lost George Harrison, John Paul and June Carter-Cash
Hell, we even lost Superman
Gonna miss you, Chris...

Yep, this is Fall in Arizona...

Fall is here. If you look closely or drive up north you can find one or two trees with leaves changing colors and falling. I miss that part of the seasons -- when they change. Fall in Arizona simply means that the temperature has dipped to below 90 in the evening hours. You can now go for a walk either early in the morning or evening and not swelter. In fact, you can even open up the house -- and get the some fresh polluted air blowing thru your house. For those of us that plant winter grass (a concept foreign to the non-Arizona peeps), my house quickly fills with the smell of manure that has been sprinkled delicately on my new lawn seed in, what apparently is, an unsuccessful attempt to keep the birds from eating the new seed. I'm looking out back now and just counted 16 birds. In addition, I've counted 2 dogs -- one laying out in the nice Arizona fall day and the other munching on a delicacy in the middle of the yard (I really think it was bird 17, but I can't bare to find out for certain and am left to wonder where Scout is going to be sleeping tonight). What is certain is that neither dog cares the slightest bit about the birds that are on the lawn. These darn dogs are as unphased as the birds are of the manure in the first place. Unsure of the point -- I believe this is awesome!

Why did we go away from calling the season Autumn -- that is a much prettier word. I mean, really, did someone just forget what to call the season and look up just as a leaf fell on his head (undoubtedly a he) and claim the season was "fall" for lack of any real knowledge. Perhaps he even "fell" which would possibly have made the season called "Here's a Fall, there's a fall - everywhere a fall fall?" Lord, I must be sleep deprived. From now on, I'm going back to calling it Autumn...that 'ought to get 'em! (I'm pretty sure I'll be the only one getting that joke.)

Anyway, I must note that I lived in Nebraska for the first of my 5 years of life and also have lived in Wisconsin for close to that amount of time as well. I have never seen a more beautiful season as Autumn. For those of you lucky enough to visit Door County, Wisconsin during this time of year-- you know how amazingly beautiful it is. Door County is full of huge rolling trees that have been there since before dinosaurs fell (ha) -- They are full bright colors -- vibrant -- breathtaking really. It is also football season. The sound of a football game on a cold day is stuff that I dream about. Yet then again, it's almost hard to fully enjoy Autumn in the Midwest, simply because you know winter is around the corner. Surely by now they've already had a snowfall. Guess nowhere is perfect.

Anyway -- for me, it means my semester is halfway over, football is in full swing, Halloween is around the corner, my nephew's birthday is here and I get to buy pumpkins for the sheer purpose of making the most delicious warm, cooked, salted homemade pumpkin seeds ever. They are a true joy of mine since I've mastered the practice. I'm out of school for the day -- and have a couple hours before I get to pick up the boys from school. So, if you don't mind, I'm going to sit here and eat my pumpkin seeds in peace and quiet and enjoy the light manure filled breeze ruminating from my back yard.

Happy Fall Ya'll! A batch just for me!!!

How does the song go....accentuate the positives, eliminate the negatives?

I actually slept really well -- which probably makes all the difference in the world. I am going to get some studying done today and play with the boys. They go to their dad's tomorrow for the weekend, so I gotta get it in while I can. We are all feeling better. I still have a pretty nasty cough -- but the Tamiflu and cough medicine are really helping. I should be cleared by the doctor tomorrow to return to work on MONDAY and then the ball just keeps on rolling. I'm deeply concerned about our financial situation however -- as my PTO time is all gone. Yuck. And time is just FLYING....so I am going to really enjoy today -- it's beautiful out and my boys are here. Sucks that I had to smooch a pig to have me home all week, but the time with my children is priceless.

Heard back from the dermatologist....not good news. My margins still aren't clear --therefore I'll be going back in. Damnit. She seems mildly concerned. I am for sure concerned. But, it is what it is -- so one step at a time. THAT said -- WEAR SUNSCREEN and GET FULL BODY MOLE CHECKS (if you have them, that is). Thank God for my Primary Care Physician. I was doing a simple follow up on a medication modification that we had made and we talked about this chronic back issue I've been dealing with. When he looked at my shoulder/back -- he noticed the mole. He said "see a dermatologist sooner than later, I don't like the looks of that one." And, so I did....and here I am -- with skin cancer -- hopefully caught early enough to cut out and not worry about. Thank you, Dr. Baker.

Anyway, I'm going to head off to my day -- and I'll leave you with these deeply moving and beautiful words by none other than the great Bob Marley: I'm fairly sure that I'm going to use some of these words when I write my vows (less than a year!!!YEAH!)

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

Got Swine Flu!?

Or is my family special?

Fever!
Chills!
Cough!
Headache!
Aches/Pains!
Misery!
Oh so tired!

At least it is happening now --when the boys are on break and my school schedule has calmed down for a week or two....

OINK OINK!! ACHOO!

Words to Live By

Never argue with an idiot. The people watching might not know the difference.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

When you're lying in bed at night looking up at the stars, don't panic when you suddenly wonder "Where the Hell is the ceiling?!"

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and SMACK the asshole upside the head.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Just remember........if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but giggle when you see one tumble down the stairs.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is buy a replacement.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole!

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you've just made it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Your mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

Sometimes you'll think you understand everything, then you'll regain consciousness.

A day without sunshine is like.................well, night.

Seen it all, done it all...........can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword..........get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof.............to a sufficiently talented fool.

Everybody lies........but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who think there are two kinds of people in this world and those who don’t.

~Author unknown

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness month...

I don't really think we need a month to make us aware of breast cancer. I don't know a single person who doesn't know someone who has had breast cancer. It has touched us all in one way or another.

My first encounter with breast cancer was when my mother in law was diagnosed. I will never forget going with her to the doctor's appointment. I will NEVER forget how scared we all were, how devastated we all were -- and how calm she was. I vividly remember her eyes -- tinted with tears -- absorbing it all. She was sitting there quietly taking it all in. What do we do next? Which road will we go? She was a lucky one. She had yearly mammograms and they caught her cancer very early. Mere cells growing in her breast that changed all of our lives that day. It's crazy to think about. She underwent a lumpectomy, subsequent radiation and luckily she is cancer free today. Modern medicine brushed hands with her fate and we all came out winners. Thank the good Lord.

Last week I had the honor of taking care of a patient who was dying....her body was becoming overrun by cancer. It had such an intense hold on her that her time was fading quickly. She tried to fight. She was a young mother of two beautiful girls. Her husband was loyal and strong -- their relationship was awesome. Humour. They still laughed. Man, I love that. Here she was, dying...diagnosed only a year earlier with a stage four cancer that had already metastasized thru her body -- taking ownership of her liver, her bones and her colon. And they still laughed.

Yet, she was tired of fighting. I will never forget her. Luckily, as a student, I could spend more time with her than is usual. When her husband left, she wanted company -- and we talked about so much. Mostly she wanted to know about my life. I told her the gory details. LOL.... I told her about my beautiful children. We talked about the blessing of being a parent. I told her about my parents -- that my dad had died of lung cancer. She asked me if he fought it. I told her what I truly believe....he didn't need to fight. It wouldn't have mattered. And I told her that his faith in God was literally what made it all okay. I don't believe as strongly as he did -- but even today, when I get to missing him terribly, I try to remember that he fully believed we would be together again....and that gives me comfort. We got quiet. I thought perhaps I said too much.

She looked up at me. A bald head, pale face and big beautiful brown eyes tinted with tears and she spoke. She told me she was tired of the chemotherapy. She just didn't want to do it anymore. She didn't even recognize herself. She hurt. Every breath this woman took was sheer determination because she was in so much pain. But, she said, "they won't give up.....and it just kills me to think that one day my girls will say 'my mom was a quitter'" and her tears fell.

There it is.

A mother's love.

Raw.

I don't know what happened to her and I won't know-- I left my clinicals that day and told her that she would be one lady that I would always remember and I called her a tough cookie. We laughed. She told me some very kind words that will always be in my heart as my nursing career unfolds. I don't know if she decided to continue with the chemo or if she came to a place of peace and let her body rest. But I do know that I will never forget her -- or her brave spirit. Breast cancer....I hate it. And I certainly don't need a month to remind me of that.....all I need is the memory of looking into a another woman's eyes as her life flashes in front of her.

Living.

Dying.

The eyes.

You've suffered a loss or defeat but can now regroup. New confidence and verve. Ideas have changed, so you must adjust the plan. Be a little more sure of yourself and others will join you. You don't need anyone's approval in the way you live your life. You have been a little too giving. New friendships can be formed. People are willing to trust you.

I'm loving that card today.

Ideas have changed, so you must adjust the plan.

Really. It's that simple.

I like that.

I was going to just post the lyrics to this new song that I heard, but that tarot card reading was just too good to leave out. :-) So, here are the lyrics that I love so very much....It's a song by Radney Foster.

Half of my mistakes, I made stone-cold sober
Half of my mistakes, I made at closing time
Half the time, I never saw it coming till it was over
Oh, half of my mistakes, I've made with love on the line

Half of my mistakes, I swear, I shoulda known better
Half of my mistakes, were just amongst friends
You get a little distance on it, the truth is clearer
Oh, half of my mistakes, I'd probably make em again

And if I had it all to do over
Sure I'd win and lose just as much
But spend less time on right and wrong
And a lot more time on love

Half of my mistakes, I made cause I was moving too quickly
Half of them were made cause my heart was moving too slow
Nobody can tell you a damn thing if you ain't listening
Oh, half of my mistakes, I've made cause I couldn't let go
(Let it go)

And if I had it all to do over
Sure I'd win and lose just as much
But spend less time on right and wrong
And a lot more time on love

Half of my mistakes, I'd give anything to change how it ended
Half of my mistakes, God, I wouldn't change a thing
You can lean too hard on a thread, but I don't recommend it
Cause half the good things in my life came from half my mistakes
Yeah, a lot of good things in my life came from half my mistakes

....now if that ain't the truth, I don't know what is......