The is flying...

I need to write more often. It's crazy -- I can't explain it. It's like I have all this white noise in my head and when I write things start to get quiet and I can focus. Writing helps me. It helps my psyche and truly, it makes me a better person. Calmer. Clearer. Like the seas after a storm when the sun starts to shine and you hear the birds chirp in the saltwater filled air. Ah, the beach.

I haven't been sleeping well. I'm pretty stressed out with school -- and work -- and about money -- and the boys -- and getting them where they need to be when they need to be there. I'm relatively sure that it is impossible to be in ten places at once, yet somehow I manage to somehow make it work. I have to believe this will be no different. Anway, back to my sleeping -- so last night, I finally slept well. I had an amazing dream. It was in the future -- Justin, Dane, Cole, my "daughter" (gulp) and I were planning a family trip. It was great and I woke up totally happy. Truth be told, I hadn't had a future dream that had me wake up with a smile on my face since, oh geez, 2005? That's just too sad. But last night changed.

I woke up to rain -- and a day of lecture ahead. We're studying the heart. It's a fascinating organ that scares the shit out of me. I spent 6 hours in lecture thinking about the heart and ultimately about my cousin's dad. He has had a bad heart for quite sometime. He ended up getting a heart transplant. We thought that was the end -- a happy ending to a scary story. Well, he suffered chronic rejection. He again has a bad heart -- he's been through the ringer and really living on borrowed time. I thought about what procedures he's had and what actually was wrong with his heart this time (while learning about it, never the less.) I came home to look up my cousin's number on facebook -- ends up that he went into emergency surgery and isn't doing well. He actually coded during the surgery and her family is asking for prayers. Ugh.

So, I sat at the computer -- gazed out the window at the beautiful desert rain and decided to write....

The rain continues to fall outside my window
It's clearing the dust and soothing my soul
From behind the cloud, the sun starts to show
It's rays are bright with a glimpse of a rainbow.

It's then that I realize the ying yang of life
And think of my problems, the struggle and strife
And then just like that, a thought of my dream
Things all in place like I've wished they would be.

Just then peace came to me, a cool breeze felt on my cheek
I realized the struggles I have had did not make me weak
But instead gave me the courage to reach for the gold
And overcome the doubters with a heart that grew bold

My life is my own, I am my own captain
My goals and my dreams are different than they have been
I've grown into a person who stands up tall and strong
I finally have the conviction that I'm doing no wrong.

Time is so short, tomorrow is no guarantee
So it's time to do what you can, be who you can be
Tell those that you love just what you're thinking of
And pray to those who've left us to be with sweet Jesus above.

So today I cherish those that stood by my side
with no judgement or doubt or any selfish pride
I realize now that so much has come from the pain
And a rebirth reoccurs with each cool desert rain