Rebuilding -- Guilt/Rejection

In therapy the other day, we talked a lot about guilt and rejection. And then, ironically, this morning when I had a free minute and picked up the book, I literally laughed when I saw the name of the chapter. This chapter talks a lot about which role you play -- the dumper or the dumpee. I was having a hard time deciding which I was. I know that I originally told Joel I was moving forward without him. I wanted to pursue my friendship/attraction to Justin. I was open and honest with him from the very beginning. "Goodbye, I'm moving on." But, why do I feel like I was ultimately dumped? I feel like I came back -- I broke things off with Justin -- I was able to forgive what Joel was doing -- we went to counseling -- we went to the retreat -- but he wouldn't give -- he was cold as ice -- distant -- he had no love left for me. It was over.

Dumper? Dumpee? I couldn't identify....

Then, right there in black and white, it read, "Another important phenomenon in the dumper-dumpee relationship is the pain cycle. The dumper is not hurting as much when the relationship ends (months, even years before the event, the dumper is dealing with the pain of the relationship loss), but the dumpee's pain is great and motivates rapid growth and adjustment. When the dumpee is reaching a good emotional adjustment, the dumper frequently comes back and begins talking about a reconciliation. This really blows the dumpee away."...."The typical dumpee reaction is not to take the dumper back"... "At this point the dumper usually gets dumped"

There you have it -- I'm both the dumper and dumpee.... such the over-achiever -- go big or go home. Ugh.

1. I am no longer overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and/or rejection

Unsatisfactory

2. I can accept that I was a dumper or a dumpee or that we made a mutual decision.

Satisfactory (although foggy)

3. I have thought about whether I was a good/bad dumper/dumpee

Satisfactory. I believe that I fought hard for our relationship, forgiving his short comings and infidelities, but when it all came to a boil, I wasn't very good at anything I did to Joel. Or, to myself. Or, to my children.

4. I can accept that being a dumper may not necessarily mean one should feel guilty.

Unsatisfactory -- if kids are involved -- you deserve to feel every ounce of pain

5. I can accept that being a dumpee may not necessary mean one should feel rejected and unlovable.

Needs improvement. I feel very rejected. I feel very sad. I do, however, believe that I am lovable and deserving of a good love.

6. I am aware of the differences in feelings and behavior between dumpers and dumpees.

Satisfactory -- playing both roles helps out here

7. I realize that both dumpers and dumpees feel emotional pain even though it may differ in timing and intensity.

Satisfactory -- and longevity.

8. I understand that in some areas I was a dumper and in other areas I was a dumpee, since this is typical of most relationships.

Satisfactory. duh.

9. I understand the concept of dumper/dumpee is most meaningful at the the point of separation; as I grow it becomes less and less important.

Satisfactory. It all just sucks and hurts the same.

10. I have looked at my life patterns to see if rejection or guilt feelings have controlled much of my behavior.

Well, I JUST did - so satisfactory. I've oddly enough never been dumped before??....maybe that is why this is so foreign to me. I've always been the one that ended the relationship....hmmmmm

11. I am working to overcome the influence of rejection and guilt in my life.

Satisfactory...working on it.....yep, working on it.