Happy Birthday to my very best friend and love of my life -- 29! It's all uphill from here...LOL

I'm feeling sad today though-- maybe it's just that kind of day -- cause I have a ton that I'd love to do before Justin gets home (which includes bringing my car to his shop for a free oil change...LOL)...and none of it includes being sad on my baby's birthday.... *sigh*

but for now, I'm thinking about divorce....and about how incredibly terrible it is..... I'm not saying that because I am unhappy with my life -- or that I was happier with the life I led with Joel. I'm saying it because there is just so much that is UNTAPPED and UNKNOWN about divorce until you actually live it -- I'm thinking there may be a book deal in the works -- so I can't give away all my details. LOL

But really....divorce is practical for some -- necessary for some -- and really productive for others. NO ONE should live in a loveless marriage -- no one should live with pain -- NO ONE should live with abuse of any kind.

...but what about those of us that had love -- no pain -- and really, no abuse. What about those that just "grew apart".... what a crock of shit "growing apart is..." but how very true it was for me. Joel and I started dating at 17 -- our lives simply were not headed the same directions from 30- 32 when I asked for the divorce... yet you heard it here first folks, (except those of you that are divorced, who may have learned this already).... it doesn't heal any pain. It doesn't make you closer (some very twisted hope of mine) and it certainly doesn't make it easier (especially with kiddos involved.) I miss him. I miss the easier times. I miss the relationship that he had with my family and that I had with his.

His grandma died a few months ago -- I didn't find out until my children told me. It was an extremely painful time for me. I loved that woman. I made a specific purpose in my life to let her know it too -- I sent (uhhum, "we") flowers for no reason at all...pictures all the time and little mementos that let her know we were thinking of her. See, I didn't have any grandparents left -- my grandmother died when Dane was still a baby....and she was all I had left. SO, I sort of clung onto a hope that Joel's grandmother would fill a void. I never really heard much of my frugal attempts. When we called on her birthday, mother's day, Christmas -- she said "thank you" and left it at that. I know it mattered, though, so I didn't mind. But when she died...and I didn't hear a word, it just plain ass stung. I deserved a common courtesy call to let me know. She was my children's great grandmother -- outside of what she meant to me.

See....here's the rule....when you divorce -- you leave the life you knew. Sure, we all knew THAT...but you don't just divorce the man (or woman) you divorce the whole family. You divorce all your friends that can't be "loyal" to you both or who just can't face the fact that divorce happens and it may happen to them. I guess I just wasn't suppose to care when Grandma Mary died. I didn't hear a word from the Nusbaum family after Joel and I seperated. Even when my father died, and Joel was a big support to me, I still didn't hear A WORD from his family minus a phone call from my (to be ex) mother in law suggesting the funeral would be too painful for my children because I "couldn't hold it together."

I guess I have to retract... I got a few people in the divorce -- his cousin, Becky, is one of my nearest and dearest best friends. I love her and her OPENNESS with every fiber in my body. She is able to support both Joel and I and for that, man, for her even trying, is such a testament to her beautiful soul. I also have kept in touch with one aunt and 4 cousins. I'm blessed with their continuous love and support for a fulfilling life that I'm pursuing, and I hope they know that I love them, regardless of what my last name is today.

Well, this time, Joel's cousin Allie told me that his uncle is in grave health circumstances....and I've cried thousands of tears over it. I wasn't overly close with Jackson -- but we got along. He was sort of the black sheep of the family -- first for his learning disabilities (as a child) that continued into his sexual orientation and his eventual move away from Wisconsin (who blames the man). But, I've always really liked the man...and he's always shown me nothing but true blue caring and love. I don't know what his fate is -- but I pray that it's peaceful and that the bitterness in that family transcends his situation and surrounds him with support and love...

...and I will not be a part of it. I am no longer in that family. I grieve the loss of my relationship -- the relationship my children deserved and I grieve for the many members of his family that no longer are my right to care about.

And, I sit here in silence, waiting for some sort of word about his prognosis...wondering if I'll get any more details than that which was already shared with me. And I pray for God's grace and love to blanket the Nusbaum family -- as, in my heart, they will always be my family -- if only thru my childrens' heritage...

and I cry -- tears that no one will understand cause I am not sure I understand them myself.

Lesson 770 of Divorce 101: Love transcends divorce papers and, much like arms on an octopus, extends to everyone that was in your world when you were married (family and friends).... everyone is affected and every relationship changes. Many, if not most, go away...and there's just nothing you can do about it.

*sigh*