I am having a very hard day....

Well, that's not entirely true (rule one of counseling -- lose the generalizations).... My day started out great -- I woke up after a deep and pleasant sleep. I did a little more studying for my math test today -- and headed into class. I even managed to make enough time to grab the recorder and RECORD lecture (I am going to pass this damn class...LOL)...

Math test...well...I thought I did well. And then everyone converges outside the door and talks about their answers. I HATE THAT....cause it has me second guessing everything... and now I just don't know HOW I did. That still wasn't enough to bother me much -- cause, quite frankly, I don't know how I did yet and there's no going back (rule two of counseling -- there's no going back). Lecture was boring -- but whatever, I feel good learning and being productive in class. We even got out early. I had time to stop and get the pictures printed for the frame I bought -- so I was feeling great.

Then I got home.... and got the mail. BILLS...so many late bills. Then I checked my account -- ugh...and Justin's account...ugh...and then I looked at the calendar of what bills must be paid and FUCK -- my day is gone. POOF like that....(rule 3 in counseling - react -- but don't overreact). So, I sat there and tried to work out a plan that would make sense in our money situation. It's depressing...and I hate it. So I'm on edge -- but putting together my new picture frame makes me happy...so I sit down to study and read. I'm bored. My mind is wandering.

Then I hear "you've got mail!" so I go and check it. It's Dane's team mom with an email about certification day this Sat (7:30-9:30am) and that there is a club after for $30 that would be great for the boys. Joel wants him to go. I IM Joel and say, "look it's 30 bucks -- I don't have it...so if you want him to go, you'll have to pay" which turns into an HOUR....really an HOUR IM (rule 4 - no email, IM or texting discussions that last longer than one or two replies -- really she said that.)discussion that went from touchy, to rude, to sad, to mean, to eventually me groveling and trying to get him to see that I do NOT mean to take him for granted. In the end, I didn't prove any point -- and I ended up in a ball of tears. This was at 2:30 -- I haven't stopped crying yet.

I'm not sure what the deal is with all the tears. They just keep on coming. I'm sure it's stress -- about school and money. (rule 5 - don't take out your stress on something completely unrelated -- what's that called misplaced anger -- I didn't kick the dog....well...she did shit on the floor when I went to pick up the boys...and I picked her up so fast she yelped....maybe I am angry). When I got the boys -- there were just so many comments about money -- and about "Jen said that you have to pay for school pictures" and all sorts of stuff...that have kept me in tears. I'm hiding it well though (rule 6 - don't let the boys feel your struggle, but don't make them think that it's not okay to be sad, either.) So I just sat down with them -- Dane and his scrambled eggs and Cole with his Ramen noodles and talked about their day. Now, they are getting ready for football -- I'm writing -- and then it's flying out the door for another undoubtedly ridiculous football practice (rule 7 - don't anticipate sadness, anger, frustration....breathe and wait for the moment to come....or not.) Then, I will be dropping my children off at their dad's house...(actually my house, as he has yet to refinance)...because I have to be at work bright eyed and bushy tailed tomorrow at 6am. (rule -what number am I on - appreciate what you have -- someone always has it worse....I am going to a job that I truly love -- that's impressive)....anyway....I'm coming home tonight and having a beer (don't get me started on the rules about alcohol being a depressant.)

So, as I posted on my facebook: Kristen....thinks that "killing them with kindness" may never produce the results that I am longing for. In the meantime, it is just chipping away at my core and leaving me with a pain and sadness so deep within that it seems untouchable. Who am I ...trying to kill anyway? My inner bitch is bubbling...

...(rule number whichever came after the last from counseling -- think of the consequences...for the life of me I can't tell which is more productive.)