I took one of those silly online quizzes....and apparently I should live in the 30s....

You are strong and determined and have what it takes to get through life's storms. You are very helpful to those around you-- be it your friends, your family, or even a neighbor in need. You are a great leader and strong-willed person, and take challenges as a way to better yourself...But you also have a deep sense of warmth and nurturing for those you care about. You are well-rounded and tough because you have to be. You aren't a "diva" but rather a humble person with admirable character. With more hard-working, quality like you, this world would be a much better place. By being able to turn a little into a lot, you know how to make life enjoyable even if it's just through the little things

I like that! And in my best of days I do believe it is true.

Someone asked me the other day what is one word that you want the world to remember you for -- when I answered "children" he gave me a "that's lame look" (Oh, he, with no children was asking for more).... "One word to describe yourself...." and I responded quickly "resilient."

re-sil-ient   [ri-zil-yuhnt, -zil-ee-uhnt]
adjective
1. springing back; rebounding.
2. returning to the original form or position after being bent, compressed, or stretched.
3. recovering readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyant.

Oh, I'm not entirely there. I feel like I have the ability to be resilient in my strong moments and I suppose when I look back now I can see bits and pieces of resilience along my every changing pathway. But it's so much bigger than that. I don't want to look back and think of all the negative things in my life. I want to relish in the joy and love that I've shared.

For example, in one of my less than chipper moods, I was driving home and crying (an event that has greatly deminished as of late.) I was thinking about the happiest I've ever been. At the cabin in Nebraska. My high school graduation. College. College Graduation. Green Bay. De Pere. Having children. Buying my first house. Getting into nursing school. ....and it hit me.... most of my happy times involved my dad...or Joel. Niether of those men are in my life in that capacity anymore and I cried. And like the tears are falling now, it was crying with a multi-faceted purpose.

I cried wondering if I'd ever have pure happiness again. My life is so riddled with jade -- so bewildered by backstabbing, doubt and pain -- that is hard to think of a time where pure happiness can prevail. And then I cried for the bitter person that makes me be. I am *NOT* that person. I am living a very decent life. I have figured out what is important in my life and am fully commited -- to seeing those things thru -- and to those who held me up when the ground disappeared below me. And in one *drop* of a tear -- another one followed that said "MY GOODNESS, KRISTEN -- you have figured out such a huge piece of the puzzle!" It's no longer about being the happiest, the richest, the luckiest, the smartest, the strongest -- no longer about "keeping up with the Jones' or putting up a wall or a front" -- it's about feeling each and every grain of salt or sugar that life hands me. It's about being honored to be a mother to two beautiful boys, embracing my life, loving my family, adoring my dedicated friends, being thankful for my house, grateful for my job and ultimately about being content with my life.

So, perhaps I won't have that happiness again -- the kind that innocence and purity bring. But I will be happy. I will be who it is that I am suppose to be and I will be damn proud of myself. I will revel in the pride that I see in my family and friends around me and the pride they see in me. I will look into Justin's eyes and see a future not filled of the things we have to do or the things we wish to acquire, but merely a future of being together and raising two children who have done nothing but given us love and shown us that the simple things make happiness. I will be happy because I feel like I've unlocked something that some people much older than me have yet to -- or perhaps may never -- reach. It's not about about what you have or what they think. It's about YOU. That realization and that love brings forth a lot of freedom and happiness. And this secret came to me through years of pain, doubt and tears...yet I figured it out. I figured it out with grit and determination....

...Oh, and by being resilient.