My life is very good

You know...I've come a long way.

I'm proud of myself.

I am nowhere near where I'm GOING to be be -- but I'm slowly making progress.

It's one of those things, you have to look back to see how far you have come. I just spend some time reading back in my blog to this time a year ago...and longer. woah. I started this blog in 2005 - just think of that. It was kind of fun to go back and read about my life then. I'm finding satisfaction in the fact that I have led a very good life. I completely and utterly love my children (as evidenced by *if you were in nursing school you would get that* the tears falling down my cheeks reading about them) There was a blog entry about Dane starting first grade. Here I sit...Dane's going into FOURTH grade and *Cole* is starting first grade... I literally just can't believe it.

I also am pleased to say that I had a good marriage. Weird, huh? Well, maybe weird isn't the word....but it was a "ahha" Oprah moment for me when it dawned on me that my MARRIAGE was good....my DIVORCE has been terrible. Joel and I let things go. We dropped the ball. We both neglected each other and allowed space to silently move us further and further away from each other. I know that he loved me. I know that I loved him. It makes me actually feel BETTER about things....we were NOT one of those couples that "never should have gotten married"...you don't need to look farther than Dane and Cole to prove that. I will always love Joel...and be grateful for our times together. It makes me almost want to write him a letter and beg that the grossness just stops...I said ALMOST...I'm not there yet....lol.

And yet, I read my blog about my life in the throws of the ugliness...the utter devastation and depression that my divorce and my dad's death threw me into, and I'm not *there* at all either. I read about who and what got me thru that time...and my goodness, they are all RIGHT HERE with me today.

I am very into my relationship right now -- loving Justin with something fierce inside my heart and belly. I didn't know I could feel that way about anyone other than Dane and Cole. I read about where we were -- and look now at how far we've come. It just blows me away. I'm so proud of us...and the work we have put into this. It's not easy being in a relationship with an ex husband and children. Justin takes it all in stride. Time. Trust. Faith. Dane has always loved Justin. They wrestle together and watch (lame) shows together about haunted stuff or war stuff...Dane looks at Justin with complete admiration when he talks about the Army and the war that he fought so courageously in. Cole has really come around. The other day, they were getting picked up and Cole ran back in SPECIFICALLY to hug Justin and say "I love you". *heart melt*

I simply am not filled with hate or disgust anymore. I do long for a time of ease -- but I love my life right now. There will never be enough time (or money) for me to do everything I want to do and I'm okay with that today. I am sitting here today so damn content and peaceful. I have the day off with nothing to do. I love this blog -- and being able to look back.

What a ride!