Romanticizing the past?

I've been thinking a lot lately about my past -- the things that I have done -- the people that I have done them with. I guess about 2 or 3 times a year I get all reflective like this. I tend to question all that I've done -- all the "what if" questions surface. What if I had made a better decision? Studied more? Took a different turn? Moved? Not moved? Married him? Not married him? Did this better? Did that differently? I'm haven't been able to put my finger on what brings it on -- a true conflict between happiness and security and restlessness and boredom, I would suppose...But never the less, here I am, in that place.

I was emailing back and forth with two of my very best girlfriends from way back in the day. You know the kind of girlfriends that know every little secret about you? The ones that truly are, as that saying goes, not necessarily who you would call to bail you out of jail, but are next to you, saying "damn that was fun?!" Anyway, so as the email conversations continued I started talking about choices I've made -- particularly relationships I've been involved with and how in the world I landed on the ground with a peaceful and beautiful relationship. Friend C wrote me back a rather insightful, albeit brutally honest, response in which she stated I was "romanticizing the past."

Romanticizing the past.....
Romanticizing the past.....
Romanticizing the past.....

I can't stop thinking about that -- romanticizing the past -- and this is what I have come to conclude... She's full of malarkey.

Ok, ok, said Friend C is one of my friends that says things with a deeper meaning. I adore that about her -- she says something that sits with me and makes me think. She has a way of making me still learn about myself without probably even really knowing it -- THAT is why I cherish her so much. It's rare to find that in a person, much less in a person that has been around much of your life. But this time she is wrong.

I would argue that I am almost the opposite. I have a freakish memory. I remember every little thing, every little feeling, every touch, everything. I do believe that may be why I get in this reflective place -- I can GO BACK THERE and almost watch myself react and respond therefore leaving me to question it. But in this case, talking about a previous relationship, I honestly think I remember the BAD way way more than the GOOD. And, thus I question something....

Are people really Glass is Half Full or Glass is Half Empty people?

I think I remember the bad stuff...the tears, the pain, the sorrow. I think about that relationship -- abusive, mean, vicious, addicting, powerful -- and I can't get away from it. I think about the child I miscarried all the time -- the sorrow, the pity, the deep black hole. I think about my friends that have died all the time...wonder what they would have been like, why they had to do whatever it was that got them killed (accidents, drug overdoses, you name it). It's just SO MUCH EASIER for me to go back to the painful things in my life.

So in her normal and amazing way -- Friend C has yet again taught me something about myself. I learned that while I remember pain before happiness, I am also able to really be grateful for what I have in front of me today. I am able to just let myself get in these moods -- and here's the kicker....

I have learned that when this "reflective" mood strikes -- it's probably because I AM HAPPY, secure, content, loved and without drama. It's not like I want to be anything different, but it's almost like my mind goes back to the bad crap to remind me that bad stuff DOES happen. Does that make me "half empty?" I am not sure -- but what it does make me is someone who is unable to "romanticize".

Um, bartender...drink's getting low....time to order another!