....and I'm downright weepy.
I am feeling very nostalgic today. I woke up in tears and to an anxiety attack -- pretty much full blown -- gasping for air. I'm not exactly sure what in the world would perpetuate that, but I did. I called my sister -- early as sin... 5 something...and once again, she talked me down -- had me laughing even. I am so blessed to have her in my life.
I suppose that is what this is all boiling down to...people who made it possible -- this dream of mine.
Now bear with me....
...I know that I'm not accepting an Academy Award or anything of the sort -- but there are certainly people who got me where I am today.
I have to start with my children....who by God's grace are the air I breathe and the reason I long to better my life. Those boys have suffered...sacraficed...without even really knowing it. They have lived the last 2+ years with a mom who is working full time and going to school full time.....They know that they miss me -- but they have no idea how very much I have missed. I hate that I wasn't as available as I wanted to be, but I hope that one day they really understand that I prevailed. They have a mom that is strong....and smart....and who loves them more than anything in this world. I did this for them. I will see them at graduation today and I will hold on to them tight. This is MY moment with them....to show them that it wasn't in vain...it wasn't selfish...THIS is for all of us.
And then my ex's. Strange, huh? Joel, if we were talking (ha) I would tell you how very much I still want your acceptance and praise. I would hug you tight and look deep into your eyes and SEE how proud of me that you are -- because I know you are. Even in the worst of times....I know that you know how much this means to me. All the days (and nights) that you kept the boys late and accommodated my very crazy schedule have NOT gone unnoticed. I wish things were different. I wish I could call you my friend. I wish that today -- more than any other day (besides my dad's funeral day) -- we could go have a bloody mary and cheers to the people we have become -- the dreams we have reached and revel in the lives we brought into this world. Happiness. Success. Friendship.
And, Justin, dear Justin. *sigh* What a clusterfuck our relationship turned out to be. I can say that thru all of the roller coaster dips and turns that we were in it together. And, I loved you, completely. I would NEVER have been able to be where I am today without you. Your help with the kids -- your support -- helping me study (I still hear you fumbling thru those words -- which made me giggle even in the middle of a test -- but I got the answer right!) and overall support will never never be under appreciated. Your heart is beautiful and it's core is good. I thank you for blessing me with a happiness I hadn't felt in a long time and getting me thru the worst times in my life. Literally. I wouldn't BE HERE without you.
Friends....the ones who stood by me when the going was tough. Thank you. Thank you Rentch, Joy, Amy, Debbie, Erika, Melanie, Gena, Katreen, Angela, Robin, Becky...all of you that have supported me and pushed me and held me up when I fell down (and God knows I did.) I love you. Your friendship is the life that helps sustain me and I will NEVER ever love you less.
And to my family -- oh geez. Waterworks. Mom, I love you. I love you. I love you. I look up to you and want you to know that you hold the qualities that I long for -- fortitude -- strength -- love -- devotion. My entire family has always meant the world to me -- but in this dream of mine -- I am not really sure I believed in myself as much as they did -- and that's awesome. Kerry, you are my very best friend. Thank you for being there for me -- even on the tough days when I didn't want you to be. :-) And...dad....ah, I miss my dad...so very much. I don't need to see him, nor hear him, to know that he is proud of me. But, never the less, I miss him. This was *my* dream...but it was also one of his. And, I did it.
In my lame ass white scrubs taking the oath that many people took before me and will after me -- I did it.
I finally did it.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Saturday, May 08, 2010
Thursday, May 06, 2010
My suicide song - I just played it over and over that day: How Did This Happen To Me!?
I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I'm going to make this short. I was going to kill myself.
(I know this is a dark subject -- and no one really talks about it -- but I was thinking about it a lot tonight after a patient I cared for the past 3 days thought that downing 2 bottles of tylenol would kill her -- and not just her kidneys. A lot of things were said about this woman -- I could relate, so I kept my mouth shut. I can't believe I can or did get to that point, but I was. Only, there was one major difference.......)
I don't believe in "attempting suicide..." Let me see if I can explain...
I was gone. Done. Finished. I had just ended the best thing that had ever happened in my life -- I walked away -- cheated, essentially, on a man whom I loved (I know...I can't explain it) and still do. I was watching him fall into a drug induced stupor with drugs, prostitutes/stripers and ultimately, one of my best friends. I was forced to move out of my house. I was virtually unemployed and undesirable (stay at home mom for 6+years). I was beyond broke and in constant struggle. I was drinking a ton and abusing my body. My father died during that time (after only being diagnosed for a month) of lung cancer which quickly led me with very little time to do anything other than let him down. I lost many of my "friends" and had become to hate the person I saw in the mirror -- the person, who's actions, I previously condemned. More than anything -- anything -- I had lost hope. I lost my husband, life, house, and children in a flash. I truly believed that the world -- my very own children -- would be better off without me. It was the darkest time of my life.
I had a plan. I bought the rope. I assessed the tree and picked the perfect branch. I bought the alcohol. I wrote the letters. I was convinced that the world would be better off without me -- my family would get it and my boys would eventually understand the depths of despair of love lost, mistakes made and see the anger that ensued (I was still so bitter). I prayed and truly believed that my suicide would HELP them.
It was set == the boys were at their dads -- Justin wasn't due home...I was...set.
... and he fucking came home early.
let's say that again...he came home early.
Looking back now I believe Jesus Christ accompanied Justin home that day-- made him have a clue (when I really gave NONE, other than being depressed). I believe now that I wasn't suppose to die. Suppose to LIVE, in fact. I was fucking PISSED OFF that he came home, though. Noone knows what we went thru that night. I hated him. Cursed him. Freaked out and cried while he begged me, pleaded with me -- even called JOEL to help me -- and eventually, I called my sister.
S..........O...........S
...and my ass was committed for a week+....
In that time...well, I didn't think I was crazy. I thought that life had failed me -- and in turn, I responded by failing it. I still don't think I would call myself "crazy" but I know now that chemically something altered my normal brain pattern. I cannot BELIEVE I felt those feelings when I look back on it today. I wish there was a way to tell everyone in that place that now -- one day, you very well may be able to look back at this point in your life and truely not understand HOW you felt so down. Maybe one day, you will look back and be so GRATEFUL that you lived. Then again, maybe you won't.
So there are the facts: I was planning on killing myself in October 2007. And, bet your bottom dollar, I was going to be successful. There was never going to be a "suicide attempt" in my chart...and there still won't be.
And, yet I lived. Not my time.
Justin. Ah, Justin....I don't even talk to you, now -- but I loved you fiercely and I will NEVER be mad at you. Instead, perhaps, I will be forever grateful that you stepped up and SAVED MY LIFE and believed in me when I felt all my family and friends knew that I had: NO HOPE.
It is what it is...and I've become a person that I enjoy. I still have to work out the kinks -- Lord knows we all do. But I've managed to finish nursing school -- a lifelong dream -- raise beautiful children and become a fantastic mother (even moreso, time permitting.) I do still think about death more than the average person -- but no longer am in that place. It was lonely and cold. Yep, I have my own plans made for my funeral one day --- but it isn't going to be a day that leaves people questioning me...and I've got a long life to live beforehand.
sigh
I don't believe in "attempting suicide..." Let me see if I can explain...
I was gone. Done. Finished. I had just ended the best thing that had ever happened in my life -- I walked away -- cheated, essentially, on a man whom I loved (I know...I can't explain it) and still do. I was watching him fall into a drug induced stupor with drugs, prostitutes/stripers and ultimately, one of my best friends. I was forced to move out of my house. I was virtually unemployed and undesirable (stay at home mom for 6+years). I was beyond broke and in constant struggle. I was drinking a ton and abusing my body. My father died during that time (after only being diagnosed for a month) of lung cancer which quickly led me with very little time to do anything other than let him down. I lost many of my "friends" and had become to hate the person I saw in the mirror -- the person, who's actions, I previously condemned. More than anything -- anything -- I had lost hope. I lost my husband, life, house, and children in a flash. I truly believed that the world -- my very own children -- would be better off without me. It was the darkest time of my life.
I had a plan. I bought the rope. I assessed the tree and picked the perfect branch. I bought the alcohol. I wrote the letters. I was convinced that the world would be better off without me -- my family would get it and my boys would eventually understand the depths of despair of love lost, mistakes made and see the anger that ensued (I was still so bitter). I prayed and truly believed that my suicide would HELP them.
It was set == the boys were at their dads -- Justin wasn't due home...I was...set.
... and he fucking came home early.
let's say that again...he came home early.
Looking back now I believe Jesus Christ accompanied Justin home that day-- made him have a clue (when I really gave NONE, other than being depressed). I believe now that I wasn't suppose to die. Suppose to LIVE, in fact. I was fucking PISSED OFF that he came home, though. Noone knows what we went thru that night. I hated him. Cursed him. Freaked out and cried while he begged me, pleaded with me -- even called JOEL to help me -- and eventually, I called my sister.
S..........O...........S
...and my ass was committed for a week+....
In that time...well, I didn't think I was crazy. I thought that life had failed me -- and in turn, I responded by failing it. I still don't think I would call myself "crazy" but I know now that chemically something altered my normal brain pattern. I cannot BELIEVE I felt those feelings when I look back on it today. I wish there was a way to tell everyone in that place that now -- one day, you very well may be able to look back at this point in your life and truely not understand HOW you felt so down. Maybe one day, you will look back and be so GRATEFUL that you lived. Then again, maybe you won't.
So there are the facts: I was planning on killing myself in October 2007. And, bet your bottom dollar, I was going to be successful. There was never going to be a "suicide attempt" in my chart...and there still won't be.
And, yet I lived. Not my time.
Justin. Ah, Justin....I don't even talk to you, now -- but I loved you fiercely and I will NEVER be mad at you. Instead, perhaps, I will be forever grateful that you stepped up and SAVED MY LIFE and believed in me when I felt all my family and friends knew that I had: NO HOPE.
It is what it is...and I've become a person that I enjoy. I still have to work out the kinks -- Lord knows we all do. But I've managed to finish nursing school -- a lifelong dream -- raise beautiful children and become a fantastic mother (even moreso, time permitting.) I do still think about death more than the average person -- but no longer am in that place. It was lonely and cold. Yep, I have my own plans made for my funeral one day --- but it isn't going to be a day that leaves people questioning me...and I've got a long life to live beforehand.
sigh
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