New and improved blog -- feel free to join me!

CLICK HERE!! ----> The Road That Has Risen To Meet Me

I will not be posting here any longer.

Greener pastures.

A new road.

:-)

New and improved blog -- feel free to join me!

http://theroadthathasrisentomeetme.blogspot.com/

I will not be posting here any longer.

Greener pastures.

A new road.

:-)

Dane's running for Vice President -- posters go up this weekend...

His rap:

Dane Nu****m is the name – Vice President is the game!
I’m asking for your vote in the upcoming election
A simple check mark for me in the Vice President section
(Rapping is not my strong point, so bear with me please
I expect that some may still giggle, wiggle and tease)
I’ve been at ******* since my Kindergarten year
A Scorpion at heart with my loyalty showing no fear
As Student Council Treasurer, many changes I have seen
But I know there is much more to achieve our dream
Being Vice President is a step that I really want to take
To show that leadership and pride is not something you can fake
I’ll be the voice that is needed, so that all can see
That **** * ******* is the best school it can be!
My ideas are many, my opinions are strong
If we work as a team we cannot go wrong.
So get out and vote, ladies and gents
Dane Nu****m is your next Vice President!

Sometimes the world just flies right by me....

....it's always something, isn't it? I keep thinking "if I can get past this" or "finish this" it will all calm down, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Things are going well for me -- besides money -- always money. And, really...there is no way that I am going to bank my happiness on anything other than what I can control and the love in my life.

The last few nights have been spent in solitude. Just me, my dogs and my tivo. It's been nice getting caught up on me time. I just pray to God that His plan for me comes into my view sooner than later. (It's Wednesday, remember I'm always a bit melancholy after I haven't seen the boys for a while.)

I can't WAIT to see them....just simply cannot WAIT to hold them both -- eat a good dinner and cuddle on the couch. 50 bucks says that they sleep in my bed tonight. YEAH! :-)

There is so much on the horizon --- I don't want to give it away so I'll just ask for your prayers and Jesus' guidance through this time. Sifting through the old and unworthy nonsense and opening my arms to new beginnings (even with old friends).

In thought....

Nursing school graduation today -- an accumulation of a hard fought for dream and determination

....and I'm downright weepy.

I am feeling very nostalgic today. I woke up in tears and to an anxiety attack -- pretty much full blown -- gasping for air. I'm not exactly sure what in the world would perpetuate that, but I did. I called my sister -- early as sin... 5 something...and once again, she talked me down -- had me laughing even. I am so blessed to have her in my life.

I suppose that is what this is all boiling down to...people who made it possible -- this dream of mine.

Now bear with me....

...I know that I'm not accepting an Academy Award or anything of the sort -- but there are certainly people who got me where I am today.

I have to start with my children....who by God's grace are the air I breathe and the reason I long to better my life. Those boys have suffered...sacraficed...without even really knowing it. They have lived the last 2+ years with a mom who is working full time and going to school full time.....They know that they miss me -- but they have no idea how very much I have missed. I hate that I wasn't as available as I wanted to be, but I hope that one day they really understand that I prevailed. They have a mom that is strong....and smart....and who loves them more than anything in this world. I did this for them. I will see them at graduation today and I will hold on to them tight. This is MY moment with them....to show them that it wasn't in vain...it wasn't selfish...THIS is for all of us.

And then my ex's. Strange, huh? Joel, if we were talking (ha) I would tell you how very much I still want your acceptance and praise. I would hug you tight and look deep into your eyes and SEE how proud of me that you are -- because I know you are. Even in the worst of times....I know that you know how much this means to me. All the days (and nights) that you kept the boys late and accommodated my very crazy schedule have NOT gone unnoticed. I wish things were different. I wish I could call you my friend. I wish that today -- more than any other day (besides my dad's funeral day) -- we could go have a bloody mary and cheers to the people we have become -- the dreams we have reached and revel in the lives we brought into this world. Happiness. Success. Friendship.

And, Justin, dear Justin. *sigh* What a clusterfuck our relationship turned out to be. I can say that thru all of the roller coaster dips and turns that we were in it together. And, I loved you, completely. I would NEVER have been able to be where I am today without you. Your help with the kids -- your support -- helping me study (I still hear you fumbling thru those words -- which made me giggle even in the middle of a test -- but I got the answer right!) and overall support will never never be under appreciated. Your heart is beautiful and it's core is good. I thank you for blessing me with a happiness I hadn't felt in a long time and getting me thru the worst times in my life. Literally. I wouldn't BE HERE without you.

Friends....the ones who stood by me when the going was tough. Thank you. Thank you Rentch, Joy, Amy, Debbie, Erika, Melanie, Gena, Katreen, Angela, Robin, Becky...all of you that have supported me and pushed me and held me up when I fell down (and God knows I did.) I love you. Your friendship is the life that helps sustain me and I will NEVER ever love you less.

And to my family -- oh geez. Waterworks. Mom, I love you. I love you. I love you. I look up to you and want you to know that you hold the qualities that I long for -- fortitude -- strength -- love -- devotion. My entire family has always meant the world to me -- but in this dream of mine -- I am not really sure I believed in myself as much as they did -- and that's awesome. Kerry, you are my very best friend. Thank you for being there for me -- even on the tough days when I didn't want you to be. :-) And...dad....ah, I miss my dad...so very much. I don't need to see him, nor hear him, to know that he is proud of me. But, never the less, I miss him. This was *my* dream...but it was also one of his. And, I did it.

In my lame ass white scrubs taking the oath that many people took before me and will after me -- I did it.

I finally did it.

My suicide song - I just played it over and over that day: How Did This Happen To Me!?

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I'm going to make this short. I was going to kill myself.

(I know this is a dark subject -- and no one really talks about it -- but I was thinking about it a lot tonight after a patient I cared for the past 3 days thought that downing 2 bottles of tylenol would kill her -- and not just her kidneys. A lot of things were said about this woman -- I could relate, so I kept my mouth shut. I can't believe I can or did get to that point, but I was. Only, there was one major difference.......)

I don't believe in "attempting suicide..." Let me see if I can explain...

I was gone. Done. Finished. I had just ended the best thing that had ever happened in my life -- I walked away -- cheated, essentially, on a man whom I loved (I know...I can't explain it) and still do. I was watching him fall into a drug induced stupor with drugs, prostitutes/stripers and ultimately, one of my best friends. I was forced to move out of my house. I was virtually unemployed and undesirable (stay at home mom for 6+years). I was beyond broke and in constant struggle. I was drinking a ton and abusing my body. My father died during that time (after only being diagnosed for a month) of lung cancer which quickly led me with very little time to do anything other than let him down. I lost many of my "friends" and had become to hate the person I saw in the mirror -- the person, who's actions, I previously condemned. More than anything -- anything -- I had lost hope. I lost my husband, life, house, and children in a flash. I truly believed that the world -- my very own children -- would be better off without me. It was the darkest time of my life.

I had a plan. I bought the rope. I assessed the tree and picked the perfect branch. I bought the alcohol. I wrote the letters. I was convinced that the world would be better off without me -- my family would get it and my boys would eventually understand the depths of despair of love lost, mistakes made and see the anger that ensued (I was still so bitter). I prayed and truly believed that my suicide would HELP them.

It was set == the boys were at their dads -- Justin wasn't due home...I was...set.

... and he fucking came home early.

let's say that again...he came home early.

Looking back now I believe Jesus Christ accompanied Justin home that day-- made him have a clue (when I really gave NONE, other than being depressed). I believe now that I wasn't suppose to die. Suppose to LIVE, in fact. I was fucking PISSED OFF that he came home, though. Noone knows what we went thru that night. I hated him. Cursed him. Freaked out and cried while he begged me, pleaded with me -- even called JOEL to help me -- and eventually, I called my sister.

S..........O...........S

...and my ass was committed for a week+....

In that time...well, I didn't think I was crazy. I thought that life had failed me -- and in turn, I responded by failing it. I still don't think I would call myself "crazy" but I know now that chemically something altered my normal brain pattern. I cannot BELIEVE I felt those feelings when I look back on it today. I wish there was a way to tell everyone in that place that now -- one day, you very well may be able to look back at this point in your life and truely not understand HOW you felt so down. Maybe one day, you will look back and be so GRATEFUL that you lived. Then again, maybe you won't.

So there are the facts: I was planning on killing myself in October 2007. And, bet your bottom dollar, I was going to be successful. There was never going to be a "suicide attempt" in my chart...and there still won't be.

And, yet I lived. Not my time.

Justin. Ah, Justin....I don't even talk to you, now -- but I loved you fiercely and I will NEVER be mad at you. Instead, perhaps, I will be forever grateful that you stepped up and SAVED MY LIFE and believed in me when I felt all my family and friends knew that I had: NO HOPE.

It is what it is...and I've become a person that I enjoy. I still have to work out the kinks -- Lord knows we all do. But I've managed to finish nursing school -- a lifelong dream -- raise beautiful children and become a fantastic mother (even moreso, time permitting.) I do still think about death more than the average person -- but no longer am in that place. It was lonely and cold. Yep, I have my own plans made for my funeral one day --- but it isn't going to be a day that leaves people questioning me...and I've got a long life to live beforehand.

sigh

And....the perfect Joel song..........**sigh**

"No Love"

Staring out into the world across the street
You hate the way your life turned out to be
He's pulling up in the driveway and you don't make a sound
Cause you always learn to hold the things you want to say
You're always going to be afraid

[Chorus:]
There's only hate
There's only tears
There's only pain
There is no love here
Oh so what will you do?
There's only lies
There's only fears
There's only pain
There is no love here

Broken down like a mirror smashed to pieces
You learned the hard way to shut your mouth and smile
If these walls could talk they would have so much to say
Cause everytime you fight the scars are gonna heal but they're never gonna go away

[Chorus:]
There's only hate
There's only tears
There's only pain
There is no love here
Oh so what will you do?
There's only lies
There's only fears
There's only pain
There is no love here
Oh no So what will you do?

You're falling, you're screaming
You're stuck in the same old nightmare
He's lying, you're crying
There's nothing left to salvage
Kick the door cause this is over
Get me out of here

(Kick the door)

[Chorus:]
There's only hate
There's only tears
There's only pain
There is no love here
Oh so what will you do?
There's only lies
There's only fears
There's only pain
There is no love here
Tell me what will you do?
There's only hate
There's only tears
There's only pain
There is no love here.

Over a week since I've even talked to the idiot...my motto song but still knocks me on my ass...but that's ok...Better off dead!

Time To Say Goodbye lyrics

I just don't want to waste another day
I'm trying to make things right
But you shove it in my face
And all those things you've done to me I can't erase
And I can't keep this inside
It's time to say goodbye

On the first day that I met you
I should have known to walk away
I should have told you you were crazy
And disappear without a trace
But instead I stood there waiting
Hoping you would come around
But you always found a way to let me down

[Chorus]
It's time to say goodbye
(I just don't want to waste another day)
It's time to say goodbye
(Cause things will never be the same)
It's time to say goodbye
(You make me think I need to walk away)
It's time to say goodbye
It's time to say goodbye

After all the things I've done for you
You never tried to do the same
It's like you always play the victim
And I'm the one you always blame
When you need someone to save you
When you think you're going to drown
(Think you're going to drown)
You just grab your arms around me and pull me down

[Chorus]
It's time to say goodbye
(I just don't want to waste another day)
It's time to say goodbye
(Cause things will never be the same)
It's time to say goodbye
(You make me think I need to walk away)
It's time to say goodbye
It's time to say goodbye

Now I'm gone
It's too late
You can't fix
Your mistakes
I was trying to save you from you
So you scream
So you cry
I can see
Through your lies
You're just trying to change me
(Trying to change me)

Somewhere in the distance
There's a place for me to go
I don't want you to hate me
But I think you need to know
You're weighing on my shoulders
And I'm sick of feeling down
So I guess it's time for me to say goodbye

So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you've had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all

When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it

CHORUS
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Love, it weather any storm
Bring you back to being born again
Oh, it's a helping hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shinning on the coast
That never goes dim

When your heart is full of doubt
Rascal Flatts Unstoppable lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com.com/rascal-flatts-unstoppable-lyrics.html
And you think that there's no way out

CHORUS
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Like a river keeps on rolling
Like the north wind blowing
Don't it feel good knowing
Yeah

CHORUS
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Love is unstoppale
So you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Love, love is unstoppable

I know...I mean I really KNOW that I have to start writing again

(this was written last night ~10:50pm)

I feel it in my bones....it's like I have a million jumbled things in my head and it all seems so overwhelming and massive. There is school and work, and money and rent and bills and the boys and my schedule and bills and money and relationships and friendships and my health and my sanity....I know that when I write I tend to put things into perspective. Even when I just post a poem -- or a song -- or lyrics -- it all means something very powerful to me. I hope you all know that even when I do something like that -- I'm doing ok....feeling ok...a little in control of a life that is so so so teetering on being so far out of control.

I'm on the final countdown of nursing school. I have my final on Monday. I am nervous as hell. I feel that my emotions surrounding school have masked some of my emotions about how my life has literally fallen apart again right out from under my nose. I'm scared that when I am done (well then I have my preceptorship and studying for the NCLEX, but nevertheless)that I am going to have to face some scary things.

1. I hate being alone. Wait. That's not really the case. I hate going to bed alone -- most especially when the boys are at their dad's. I end up crying every night. Every single night. Do you have any idea how totally and utterly exhausting that is? And then to have that exhaustion and not be able to sleep -- it is brutal. I sleep MAYBE 3 hours when the boys aren't here...just up ...pacing...wondering...crying...on the verge of a panic attack...every single night. No one seems to get it. And I'm tired of trying to explain it.

2. Justin. Ah, Justin. I miss Justin fiercly. I keep questioning what it is I miss about him. I miss his friendship. I miss the way he made me laugh. I started a journal to him....he'll never get it or read it but it's tear stained, gut wrenching, angry and just all around devastating that he is out of my life. I know we will never be able to be together. He is a liar and a cheater. It's not just with me either -- I knew this going INTO the relationship. He's never -- NEVER -- been faithful or honest in his life. He admits no male in his family has. Ugh. We've tried...or I guess we are trying to have him still be a part (minimal) of the boys life -- it was almost as hard for them as it was on me for him to move out and move on. He's come to their games the last two weeks...said he might goto church with me tomorrow. He won't. He tells me a lot -- but never shows up. He doesn't need to anymore. He doesn't have to do a damn thing for me and the boys...He texts me how much he loves me -- misses me -- he texts radio stations when "our" songs are playing -- he texts how he's destroyed, crying -- and then nada. He's out. He's better. I KNOW he's dragging me along. I KNOW it and I let those texts continue. I'm so fucked up.

3. And then there are other options -- one in particular -- that I just am amazed by daily. Yet I know that I'm not entirely available -- and he knows it too. We've been friends for our entire life...he knows me so well. There isn't any of the awkward silences or nerves. But man, he's put his heart out there quick. I don't know what to do with this information. I don't know if timing is perfect or terrible. His words are pure and they are beautiful. I don't deserved them. I am brutually honest with him. I tell him I'm flattered on one hand and feel like throwing up on the other. God bless him, really for just being there for me right now. I know what you all are thinking -- I'm thinking it too -- so please indulge me and just shut the fuck up. :-)

4. My dad. I can't help but feel like I am an ultimate failure in his eyes....the divorce, my life...where it's all gone (to hell in a handbasket). If I don't pass this damn class, I might as well call it a day...and forever go down in the books as the ultimate failure as a daughter.

Cutting this short -- apparently I have a great friend who is in need........

"let us also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5

Times are tough - I hope that I am tougher.

and in my weakness I write.

It was hard from the start,
the meeting of our hearts
and we tore several lives all apart.

We vowed there and then,
we'd prove to our friends,
that this bond would last til the end.

We loved and we laughed, talked of the future and past,
decided to move forward, together at last.

It was crazy to see,
my kids love him so free,
it all seemed like it was meant to be.

And with the rise of the sun,
a proposal was done
and we vowed to forever be one.

Husband and wife,
no more doubt- no more strife,
this family of mine was for life.

Yet, it was apparent right away,
looking back to those days,
that, with him, things were a deep shade of grey.

I tried to believe, in time he could grow,
with age and with me loving him so.

Yet time and again,
it became such a trend,
mistakes he would beg to amend.

He lies with such ease,
and with each slight breeze,
depending on the face he wants to please.

A lover, a mother, a sister, a brother
the lies go on and we suffer.

Then, "I'm sorry a bunch."
"I love you so much"
"I can't lose your touch"
and I waiver.

Back and forth, forth and back
-on the road, then off track --
ups and downs, all arounds, lies not facts.

He'd push and then pull,
glass half empty/half full,
my eyes slowly being covered with wool.

I fought a hard fight,
to hold onto him tight,
but my heart sensed it wasn't quite right.

And then the end came,
with a confession of blame,
he's a cheater, a liar, a shame.

He said that he loved me,
didn't know why "it was easy"
to do the things that would force him to leave me.

And, being a coward of a man,
told me it was in my hands
and either way that I went, he'd understand.

He left as I asked, with no sign of a fight,
a weak heart that's left me with spite.

I feel defective and deflated,
undermined and understated,
and worst of all stupid and jaded.

My heart is in two,
my boys are confused
and I truly don't know what we will do.

In the blink of an eye,
he's a pompous angry guy
without an answer to "why??"

Yet, I have two boys I adore
a career to open doors
and a life with so much to live for!

I look up and I pray that maybe one day,
I'll understand why it worked out this way.
Until then, one foot will go in front of the other
and I'll accomplish my goals one after the another.

(not my best work, but shootng from the hip)

Missing him.
But knowing it's better this way.
KK+JE
1/2007 - 3/2010

Good ole Theodore Roosevelt

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

And, I'll get there....one teardrop at a time.

My phone rings and my machine picks up
How many times is that today?
That you've called me just to say hello
And I say I've been doing okay

I missed you, now I don't
I gave in, now I won't
I loved you, now I can't
put my heart through all that again

Sometimes gone is really gone
Sometimes baby people just move on
And letting go means letting go
And I did, but you won't, let go

No I haven't found somebody else
Maybe I'm not ready yet
I'm not saying that I want you back
That's a past, please understand

I missed you, now I don't
I gave in, now I won't
I loved you, now I can't
put my heart through all that again

Sometimes gone is really gone
Sometimes baby people just move on
And letting go means letting go
And I did, but you won't, no you won't

I missed you, now I don't
I gave in, now I won't
I loved you, now I can't
put my heart through all that again

God, please help me in this time of change and great need...

Your Hands: JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away.

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths and crooked lines
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine.

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When you walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands, Your hands that shaped the world
are holding me -- they hold me still
Your hands that shaped the world
are holding me -- they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave - I never leave - your hands."

And, now, all the pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place...

Big test today -- riddled with anxiety

When you don't think you have the strength to deal with all that is facing you...wear this talisman as a reminder that, deep within, you have all the resources you need to move forward.

Mom -- I don't know if you remember buying this necklace, but I'm wearing it today praying that she gives me strength and peace. (and a good grade). I love you.

Blowing out the candles
on another birthday cake
Old enough to look back and laugh at my mistakes
Young enough to look at the future and like what I see
My best days are ahead of me

Life hasn't always been a party
but mostly it's been good
There's only one or two things that I'd change if I could
I dont get lost in the past or get stuck in some sad memory yah
My best days are ahead of me

Age is nothing but a number
Sometimes I have to wonder
What does it really mean
But heeeey im still putting it together
I keep getting better
if I keep getting better
I can be whatever I want to be
My best days are ahead of me

Age is nothing but a number
Sometimes I have to wonder
What does it really mean
But heeeey im still putting it together
I keep getting better
if I keep getting better
I can be whatever I want to be
My best days are ahead of me

I've got sunsets to witness
dreams to dance with
beaches to walk on
and lovers to kiss
there's a whole lot of world out there
that I can't wait to see
My best days are ahead of me
My best days are ahead of me

Mr. Danny Gokey performed this song last night on American Idol. Apparently, I was living under a rock and had never heard it before -- I don't listen to the radio. He was so damn cute on American Idol -- first, when he was actually a contestant and then also, last night. OOooooh my crush continues.

His story is a pretty sad one, actually. He auditioned for AI 4 weeks after his wife passed away. She was having a surgery for a congenital heart defect. (I'm growing to really love the heart -- hope it helps me on my test, Monday.) He was great on that show. But, you couldn't help but wonder if some of the love was due to the tragedy he had gone through. Last night was a completely different Gokey. Ha. But he was saying that this song was an anthem for him now -- because he has gone through the rain and sees bright light ahead.

I feel very much the same way. Divorce is very much like a death, in my opinion. In some ways, more difficult (cause you are still hurt so deeply -- and if you have children -- have to maintain contact with them regardless of what they did or continue to do for you.) I also know that it is very different. When my dad passed away, I saw my Mom grieve in a way that just is SO DIFFERENT than what I went through with the divorce. I am lucky that the boys still HAVE Joel. I don't know where I'm going with all of that....

....Justin's Umpa (mom's dad) passed away 20 minutes ago...smack dab in the middle of this post. I'm worried about Justin. He handles death so differently than I do. I see death as a light of some sort -- probably because I see it as an end to this world but only the beginning of an eternal life. It's hard to see Justin take it so so hard. I told him that his Grandpa is at peace now -- but that doesn't make it easier for those left behind. Truth is: we are selfish people and want those that we love to be alive and around forever.

Forever....

....I have trouble with that word.

I am going to go listen to Danny Gokey once again -- I celebrate the life of Justin's Grandfather -- because without him -- I wouldn't have Justin. And without Justin, I wouldn't have "the best days ahead of me....."